February 2016 Moms

I just need to vent...

My son will be four weeks old tomorrow, and this mommying thing is so, so much harder than I ever thought it would be (he's my first). Our "Sprout" sleeps most of the day, and most of the time when he's awake, he's crying. If I've changed him and fed him and he's still crying, I start to break down and burst into tears, because I don't know what else to do. I decided when I was pregnant that I wanted to leave my job and stay home with him full time, and it's already so difficult - I have a hard time putting him down without his fussing or crying, so I wind up being able to get very little done during the day. 

Last night was one of the hardest I've had since we brought him home. My husband is in the military and has a duty weekend once a month, and I suggested that he sleep in the guest room this weekend so that he wouldn't be woken up in the middle of the night by Sprout's crying, since he has to get up pretty early to go to the base. He slept in there on Friday, but decided to sleep in our room last night, and said, "I'm just going to ask that you be the first one to respond when he wakes up, if you don't mind." I agreed to it, hoping that maybe once he'd get up to prep a bottle while I changed the diaper. Instead, what I didn't realize was that "first one" meant "only one." When I first put him to bed, he was fussing up a storm, so I took him into the other room to rock him in our rocking chair. For some reason the chair started creaking like crazy, so I ended up having to sit still and just rock back and forth on my own. Then during one of the feedings in the wee hours, I went down the two steps into our living room to get the Boppy pillow, and as I was coming back up I tripped and jammed my toe. The minute he heard my cry of pain, my husband got up and asked if I was okay. I said, "I stubbed my toe," and he replied, "Oh, I'm sorry," and went back to bed. I'd been hoping he'd at least help me while he was up, but no such luck. I suppose the way he sees it, I have the opportunity to nap during the day if I want to, but in all honesty, I really can't, because half the time Sprout doesn't want to be put down, and even when he does, I have a hard time getting to sleep because I'm on pins and needles waiting for him to wake up.

Then today he had an episode where he just would not stop crying. I changed him (twice) and offered him the breast because he was rooting like crazy even though I'd just fed him about a half hour earlier. He'd latch for a few seconds, then detach and start crying again, and he'd repeat this over and over. It got to the point where I knew he wasn't getting milk and was just sucking for comfort and my nipples were starting to get sore from the constant nursing, and he refused the pacifier. The more he fussed, the more frustrated I got, and I was in tears and crying, "What do you want?" over and over. Finally, I fed him a bottle and he fell asleep. I never yelled or even raised my voice, but looking at his sweet, (finally) peaceful face, I felt horrible for losing my patience with him. 

I'm the sort of person who used to shower and do my hair and makeup every day, even if I wasn't planning on leaving the house, because it just makes me feel more put together. Now my showers are happening roughly every other day, I can rarely do anything with my hair (it's usually just in a messy bun), and the makeup never happens. I look in the mirror and can't stand the sight of myself, partly because I have no time for grooming, and partly because of my puffy eyes and tear-streaked face. I can count on one hand the number of days in the past month that I haven't broken down crying at some point. I don't know if I'm experiencing post-partum depression or not, because there are definitely reasons why I end up frustrated and in tears. I feel like I've given up my whole life, like what I want or need isn't at all important anymore, like I don't exist except as a human pacifier and diaper changer. I love my son more than anything, and on the couple of occasions when my husband and I have gone out and left him with someone for a couple of hours, I've missed him like crazy. I don't want a break from him, I just want a break from the diaper changes, the crying, the constant breastfeeding, pumping, and washing bottles. My husband still works on his hobbies when he's at home, but I feel like I haven't done anything just for fun since the baby was born. I don't know if I could even relax to the point where I could do it, because my mind is so preoccupied with worrying about and caring for him. Part of me is angry and resentful toward my husband that he can do it, even though it's not entirely his fault. I knew having a baby would be a huge amount of work, but I guess I underestimated exactly how much work it would be. Even so, I thought that it'd all be worth it for the cuddles and the smiles and the bonding. But he's obviously not smiling yet, and I have a hard time bonding with him because I feel like when he's in my arms, all he does is sleep or cry.  :'(

Re: I just need to vent...

  • Hugs mama I promise it does get better !!!! 
  • Oh. I'm so sorry! This is my first baby, too, so I don't have any advice, but I'm so, so sorry it's been so rough! I totally relate to feeling like you're no longer yourself and only exist in the context of the baby. 
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  • Hang in there!! I'm a FTM as well and my goodness I agree it is so much harder than I thought it would be. I cry all the time, and feel like such a failure when I can't figure out what he needs especially during his fussy hours in the evening. I just keep reminding myself that it will get better and soon he'll be walking and talking and I'll be wondering where time went. You aren't alone in these feelings at all, I told my husband today I feel like I'm attached to the couch. Hopefully we can get in more of a routine soon!
  • Hang in there! Our baby also spends much of his awake time crying or fussing so I can feel your frustration - I just want to make my baby happy! I hope for both of us this is just a phase (I'm sure it is even when it feels like it'll go on forever) and just know that you're being the best mommy you can be right now! Also, try to get some rest and don't be afraid to tell your husband you need some help - a little bit of sleep can go a long way when you're exhausted! 
  • vinocencio8vinocencio8 member
    edited March 2016
    You're not alone, I swear I could have written this myself! I'm a FTM also and I've had those nights where my 3 and a half week old just cries til she's red in the face and I can't figure out what's wrong! It's definitely frustrating and I find myself crying right along with her. Once I've gone down the list of possible culprits (check diaper, make sure she's not too hot/cold, etc...) I always end up offering a breast, even if it's just so she can comfort nurse. Just like you, once she's calmed down, I feel bad for losing my patience with baby. Being a mom is so much harder than I expected it to be, not that I thought it was a walk in the park haha.

    You're doing a great job and obviously care so much about your little one. Maybe, when you're having a particularly rough time with your little one, daddy can take him for a few minutes? Just so you can take a quick breather and come back a little more calm. I don't think you should be the only one taking care of little one in the middle of the night. But that's just my opinion. My husband also works and I'm a SAHM, but he will at least get up to change baby's diaper and get her ready for her late night feedings. (I realize you said your hubby has weekend duty once a month so I'm hoping the other nights go a little better with hubby's help?)

    Hang in there! Everyone keeps telling me "it gets easier," which always makes me roll my eyes, but I'm really hoping for that light at the end of the tunnel!

    ETA: I recently got a little electric swing thing for my daughter and it's REALLY helped calm her down when she's super fussy. She even passes out in it and stays asleep for her 2-3 hour day naps. Maybe you could invest in a swing or something similar?
  • Oh goodness, so many of your words hit home with me also. One thing I've learned with my husband is that I have to ask for help and express how I'm feeling. He goes back to work tomorrow and also expects me to take care of LO through the night shift. Have you tried taking a "power hour" where you can pump, shower, do your makeup and anything else you want to prioritize before jumping back into your mom roll? I know that absolutely always makes me feel better when I'm having a rough time. You're not alone, it's hard to not feel like super mom 24/7 when that's all you want to be. Hang in there, I'm waiting for the "it gets better" portion of parenthood myself!
  • I'm so sorry it's going rough for you Mama. My advice is to communicate everything you told us to your husband. You are not the only parent and do not allow Mommy Guilt to get in the way of asking for his help. Even a half hour for just you will help you feel like a new person. And I know it's been said and it doesn't feel like it now, but it really does get better. A lot sooner than you think. And I also strongly second the swing idea. Life saver.



  • Hugs mama. I remember feelingsimilar feelings with my first. It's hard to adjust to your needs being put on the back burner. It will get easier though I promise. Take pleasure in little things.... Take a bath by yourself, read a book/magazine, paint your nails, run to Starbucks alone while dad watches baby  etc. These little things may make me  you feel more like yourself and give you a break. 

    Also, as others have said, you have to communicate how you're feeling to others including your husband. Ask for and take help when you need it. 
  • ((HUGS))
  • I'm a FTM as well and I could have written this post myself during LO's first 3 weeks, I felt like I was always crying. DD is 6 weeks old now and things have really improved so there's a light at the end of the tunnel I promise! One thing that helped us was co-sleeping, I bought a lulyboo bassinet to put in bed with me so LO is right beside me when I put her down and am able to easily reach over if she fusses or needs anything. It's been a godsend, DD sleeps better and longer and so do I! Since I'm a SAHM as well DH relies on me to do the night shift all week (helps on weekends). You have to do whatever works to get some rest, I can't tell you what a difference some consistent sleep will make to your entire outlook. Also I second what PPs said about communicating what you need to your DH. I spent a lot of time thinking he should just know what I need and how to help, but he really had no clue a lot of the time and once I expressed how he could help me he was more than happy to do whatever he could and it's been much better since. 

  • Do you have a carrier you can baby wear with? I'm using woven wraps and it's a great way to get some skin to skin time with baby. He falls asleep almost instantaneously and I can get some stuff done around the house while he feels safe and comfortable on me. To be  honest, I wouldn't get much done otherwise. 

    I also second the suggestion of some sort of cosleeping arrangement. If baby needs to be close to you for you all to get some sleep then just oblige him. You'll feel so much better. 
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  • The newborn stage is the hardest. I'm a STM and try to remind myself that this period will pass sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about how you feel. And like others said communicate to your husband or someone else that you need a break. If you are alone and baby is crying it's ok to put them down till you can recollect yourself. My first son was much more of a crier and remember a time or two where I put on headphones and blasted a song for a few minutes to get back into a calmer frame of mind when he wouldn't stop crying for hours on end. Consider taking a night when your husband gets home just to get out of the house---go to Starbucks, walk around the grocery store or just take a walk around the block alone. Do you have a local mall? With my first child when we started to get out it helped us both a ton. We would go to the mall twice a week and just walk around with him in the stroller. Around four weeks this time around I started to try and keep DS2 awake more during the day. This helped him get his days and nights straight and now at six weeks he just am started sleeping for six hours at night. DH and I are also using our old system of I go to bed after DS 8 pm feeding and then he feeds him at midnight before he goes to sleep then I wake up between 4-6 am when he wakes to feed again. This gets both of us some uninterrupted sleep. DH is working but always would stay up later than me anyway most nights.  Know that it does get better and how stressed you feel too will pass. 
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  • 4N6s4N6s member
    Communication is key. Let your husband know what's going on and what you need from him!
  • I feel just like this. FTM to our almost 1 month old and I'm exhausted. I only shower every other day now and I only wear makeup if I'm going to see someone I know (even then it's honestly just mascara). I'm going to be staying home for another 2 months until my FML is up and DH went back to work after 1 week. It's so hard not to get a real break because during the week, he really doesn't help at night. The other day he literally said "I'm not getting up to help tonight." I understand he works early but most days I don't get a nap so I'm running on just a few hours of sleep and working all day too. Just know you're not alone and we all lose our patience and literally beg our babies to tell us what's wrong so we can fix it
  • Big hugs to you! As others have said you are not alone in your feelings and you words could have been written by so many of us. 
  • My lo had similar fussiness at the breast and it turns out he has reflux. Keeping his head elevated above his stomach and cutting dairy out of my diet has made a big difference. Have you tried talking to your pediatrician to rule out any medical issues? So sorry you aren't getting the snuggles you wanted. This really is the hardest job. We'll have smiles before we know it! 

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    Married to DH June 2013
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  • Lurking from Dec.  You sound just like I did when DD was 4 weeks.  She still prefers being held now at 3 months. I wasn't sleeping because I was so worried she'd need me and I wouldn't know.  I wasn't doing anything for myself. I also felt like my H and I were not connecting at all.  I talked to my H.  He's always been a big help when he's home, but we decided on a few things.  We have friends who now come over to help with some chores so he can take the babe and I can have some time without her in my arms.  We started bed sharing (not for everyone but works for us).  The biggest thing I did though, was get help for me.  I reached out to my OB who connected me with a psychologist. If you're still crying for no reason (which you have NOT indicated),cannot enjoy other things because you're worried about LO, or have felt consistently sad after 2 weeks pp something might be wrong that you have no control over. I've been diagnosed with PPD and PPA.  I've started taking Zoloft and seeing a therapist.  I now enjoy time with my daughter and can stay calm when she cries.  I also feel human again.  Don't be afraid to get the help you need. Talk to your H.  There is nothing wrong with you or the way you're feeling.  This new mothering thing is very hard. It will get better.  Your LO will start sleeping more, allow you to put him down more, and smiling.  You're not alone.  
  • Ugh so much of what you said is resonating with me. My LO is actually pretty good  (for a newborn) but I'm the only one who gets up with him throughout the night. I know a big part of that is because I'm breastfeeding, but I've started pumping and have a little stash of milk now. This morning at 7 (after feedings /changes at 10, 2, 4, and 5) I asked DH if he would just give LO a bottle so I could keep sleeping. He said no because he thought LO was going to be too fussy. So I nursed in bed off and on until 9:30 when I finally got up. Then tonight I finally got LO down at 10:30 after singing and rocking for an hour and a half  and went downstairs to wash my pump stuff to use in the night. DH starts yelling for me a few minutes in, amazed that I couldn't hear that LO had woken back up and was crying over the water running, a closed door, and a flight of stairs. Also didn't believe that LO was asleep when I put him down. Yeah . . . ok. Another breastfeeding session and a half hour later I finally got him down again and felt the need to come on here and vent. I love my DH but I think he thinks he's doing a lot more than he actually is. I change almost every diaper too, and I wouldn't mind as much but out of the 5+ weeks of my leave he's only worked 2 days (one of which was today), so it's not like he isn't around to help out. I might have to make him take one night all on his own to see what it's like. I'm just tired and cranky.
  • It's so brutal! I honestly thought I had some magical perfect newborn for the first 2 or 3 weeks. She was only waking to feed once at night and was generally happy all of the time. Now at 5 weeks as she's going through growth spurts and developmental changes I feel like I'm losing it. My husband is in the military as well and is deployed so I only have help when my mom comes over. Having a baby who only wants to sleep in your arms is just flat out exhausting and I've had numerous tearful breakdowns. Something that worked for me last night was putting her in her rnp and rolling a blanket up at the bottom. I think it made her feel more secure. I actually got a few hours of consistent sleep which felt amazing. 

    I hope you're able to communicate your needs to your husband. Often times I don't think men realize what it takes or the anxiety we feel as moms. Couldn't agree more though..this is much harder than I ever anticipated. 
  • I'm a first time mom too and it's been tough. My LOL just turned 4 weeks today. Although hubby works from home, I get little help with our LO. The first few weeks he had trouble getting her to latch, and all she wanted to do was cry while awake and didn't want to be put down. I have  literally had to force him to take care of the LO just so I could have a few minutes to shower or take a two hour catnap. It's gotten a little better where she doesn't cry all the time now and is starting to coour when I talk to her.  I hope it gets better for you.
     
  • A couple things. Your husband needs to help more. You're losing your mind from lack of sleep so he needs to step in and give you a break! Even if it's during the day on the weekend so you can get a 2 to 3 hr nap. Also, are you certain your baby is getting enough to eat? Is he gaining weight appropriately?  Just so you can rule that out as an issue of him continuously crying. Crying at the breast could be a gas or reflux issue. The hard part is it could just be fussiness too. It definitely does get better. Four weeks is still a tough time. I personally feel I can handle most anything if I just have some sleep. I think you crying all the time could very well be from the combo of no sleep and a crying baby. I think you need a come to Jesus with your husband and he needs to help more. If your breaking down he should start carrying more weight on his shoulders. I know how you feel and that's basically what I've told my husband when I feel he's not helping enough. It's frustrating bc as women we would step in and help our husbands in a heartbeat if we saw them struggling. I don't think men think the same way sometimes. But as a mom of a 6 yr old, 3 yr old, and 5 week old boys, I can promise it will get better. Probably soon too. Hang in there lady.
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