It's been 3.5 months and it's still difficult

briannef90 · March 2016

As the title says, it's been 3.5 months since my miscarriage in December, and although things are getting better, it's still so incredibly hard to try and move on.

I think about the miscarriage daily and I still cry often. I thought I would have been over the crying by now, but little things still trigger it. Last night I was sitting in the living room just looking outside and it hit me. Idk what it was about the sun and crisp air that got to me, but it totally ruined that moment for me. I try not to cry in front of my husband because even though he is supportive, he doesn't know what to say and just doesn't understand. The 2nd time I started crying was because I saw my prenatals in the fridge.

There are two pregnant women at my work which also makes it difficult. One of them was only about 3 weeks ahead of me.

I definitely feel alone with this experience, even though so many women have had a miscarriage or more. The person I want to go to the most is my mom, but she didn't even know I was pregnant, and I don't want her to be worried about me. I know she'll be devastated though when I tell her because I know she would have wanted to help me. It's such a difficult spot to be in, especially since it would have been their first grandbaby.

There are days when I accept it, and then days when I am so incredibly angry that this happened to me. Today is one of those angry days.

I know it will get better with time...there are just no words to explain the pain, as I'm sure you all know.

We started trying for another baby this month, which I am excited about but also terrified. I'll know in a couple weeks if we get to try it again.

Thanks for reading, and I am SO sorry for all of your losses.

rkroupa · March 2016

@briannef90 I am so sorry for your loss. I am almost 3 weeks post loss and it really is such a life changing, earth shattering experience. I am happy you are starting to try again and hope you get a rainbow baby soon! I know what its like to feel alone during this process, but please know that we are all here for you and each other. I couldn't have gotten through it without these boards.

Spartanrd4 · March 2016

@briannef90 so sorry for your loss! Mine has only been 2 weeks ago but no matter how long the time has passed you never forget.

I told my mom that I was pregnant and then 4 days later I found out I miscarried. I thought everything was fine not knowing my baby had died a week or so before. My body betrayed me and I felt so sad, not just for me but for her because she was so excited to be a grandma for the first time...it's all she has wanted for years. My husband's family as well...it would of been their first grandchild too. I haven't even faced them yet.

My mom has been very supportive and was there when I had my D&C but I can't help but feel like I disappointed her. I think if you tell her she will understand, my mom said you are there for your children no matter what and when I'm a mom you'll understand.

I know it will get better with time, don't let anyone rush your grieving...everyone has their own time table. I am also scared to try again but I'm trying to be hopeful and positive that everything will be ok, that's all I can do at this point.

MooFish2364 · March 2016

I'm sorry you had a hard day. I've had days like that too where the overwhelming sadness just takes over out of nowhere. I'm about 5 weeks post loss and I'm already feeling anxiety about TTC again. I'm really excited to try and get pregnant again but I'm worried about how I will handle the disappointment when/if I get months worth of BFNs. It took us 6 months to get pregnant the first time and I know that really isn't that long but I was really worried that it was never going to happen and I put a lot of stress on myself.

I wish I had better advice on dealing with all of this! Just know that we are all here for you!

HLD3194 · March 2016

You couldn't have said it better....there are some good days and the definitely bad ones. The other day I went to a toy'r's/babies'r'us combo and was okay with it but then I see on a TV show one of the characters in pregnant and it made me so sad/jealous/depressed. I hate being surrounded by pregnant people as well because sometimes I just want to forget. I am happy for them and wish them the healthiest of pregnancies but I don't want to be reminded of what was taken from me. I'm in the "why me? why us? why my baby?' stage of grieving. I start to get angry and resentful. I just try to remove myself and calm down. Please don't feel alone, we're all here with you going through the same thing. It's amazing having people at different stages of this process to offer their words of advice and comfort. Hang in there and try to distract yourself. I hope you get your rainbow baby soon

ThePax89 · March 2016

Loss is such a gigantic roller coaster. Sometimes I feel empowered and healed. And then out of the blue it hits me like a train.

Praying for healing for you and a healthy pregnancy soon.

briannef90 · March 2016

Thank you all for your supportive and sweet replies. Your kindness made me tear up.

This really is SO hard. Today has been a better day for me, but I've had things to distract me, which always helps. Today my logical side is here. The side that says, the baby was unhealthy and my body made it's best decision for it not to go on. SO many different feelings every day, it's so crazy.

I've had major anxiety since my miscarriage too. I'm hoping that will lessen with time. Posting on here really helps a lot too. I wish you all the best for future rainbow babies! I can hardly wait for mine.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

I am nearing the two month mark and still cry or feel off/down a lot. *hugs*

amberruka · March 2016

I'm sorry for your loss @briannef90. I'm around 2 months out and started crying the other day when Bruce Hornsby's "That's Just the Way It Is" come on the radio.

BaylieGirl · March 2016

I'm at the 3.5 month mark too. Thought I would feel better by now too but still have waves of Anger and Sadness and then just apathy... Like nothing will be fun again till I'm pregnant again. We just planned a trip to New York in April. Having something to look forward to that I know is going to happen is helping. Hugs to you all!

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