Am I overreacting?

misspuppychow · March 2016

My MIL is planning my baby shower. The date was set by me as my mom and sister are flying in from out of state. The rest of my family is about 2 hours away. It is on a Sunday. I figured I'd have it early afternoon for all the people who have to drive 4-5 hours round trip to come.

My MIL graciously offered to host, which is great because she's the only one local and with the money to really put together a nice shower. My best friend who lives 2.5 hours away is co-hosting best she can.

However, she decided my shower would be a tea house. I do not drink tea or coffee. I also do not like a single item on their small menu. And it seems expensive... $75 to rent the room and $25 per person food minimum with a $400 overall food minimum. We've having around 30 guests. I assumed she would host it at her house (she hosted my rehearsal dinner and bridal shower). Plus, the place is open until 3pm so we cannot even have the shower until after that. It will probably be 4:00pm to give them enough time to set up and transition. So now a lot of my out of town family cannot make the trip down that late on a Sunday. However, she had already paid the $75 deposit to reserve the date when she told me. So I basically cannot back out now.

And it wouldn't be that big of a deal BUT...

My SIL is due right around the same time I am. And her mom (my MIL) is also hosting/planning her shower. However, she has met with her several times to ensure her shower is exactly what she wants. She let my SIL pick the venue. She let my SIL pick the caterer and menu. And she's been very involved in the process.

So I am just really annoyed that I got a baby shower I don't want that eliminates a lot of my family without even asking me first while my SIL is getting a perfectly customized baby shower.

I know I should be grateful she's planning and paying for all of this but I just feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. And I'm annoyed and upset.

tmk0325 · March 2016

Did the invitations already do out? If not, I would offer to pay her the $75 and say that you aren't comfortable with having the shower there and making people pay for food. Can you speak to your friend and have her speak up on your behalf? They must be somewhat coordinating together? My SOs sister is also due the same time as me and we are both FTM and I had a few people offer to throw my shower and am having a cousin, my SIL, and my SOs sister plan mine. That way all family aspects have been covered (they know each other) and the sister can have her own shower too... I'm sorry it's kind of a crappy spot for you to be in. I understand not wanting to rock the boat, but it doesn't sound like it would be easy for your family and friends coming from out of town and that would be enough alone for me to want to change times and venues.

Curls919 · March 2016

I get being upset that her plans basically neglects your family. I would probably talk to your husband about it and see if he can talk to her. Does she realize the distance your family would be traveling for this event?

what I would NOT bring up is the cost of what she is planning. She is the host. If she wants to spend money to celebrate you/her grandchild that's up to her. Her money and how she spends it is none of your business.

Curls919 · March 2016

And unless I'm misreading your post, she's not asking the guests to pay for their own food, right? If she is then I'd shut that down immediately.

jacmkelley · March 2016

You aren't overreacting. I just think you should be honest and tell her exactly what you said here and why. If she doesn't agree or want to comply then maybe figure out another option. If there's one thing I learned with DD everyone needs to know what YOU want. You deserve for things to be relaxing and comfortable. And quite honestly I wouldn't enjoy meeting with a ton of people who are there to see me in a tea room. I'd much rather be somewhere I could sit back and put my feet up!
If it were me I'd just tell my mother in law, who is very opinionated but sometimes does things for me like this but doesn't think about the whole picture. She is doing this for you do let her know exactly what you are thinking.

Samm116 · March 2016

I don't think you are over reacting, if your family is traveling to come 4 pm is to late to start a shower on a Sunday. That would be my biggest issue (or stress that it is) just to get the time and venue changed.

Knottie1427415498 · March 2016

Why not Just invite your in-laws family/close friends and have your mom plan a low key shower at her house with your family ?? Or have invites gone out already ?

lmtrmama · March 2016

I agree with previous posters. My in laws also planned my baby shower When I had my daughter. I had such panic attacks and thought everything they were doing was irritating. It was definitely not my style. The food was gross and a lot of my family couldn't come because of the time and location. BUT...looking back, it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought. People who couldn't come came to visit me at different times and it was more personal.

I COMPLETELY understand how you feel though because I was really upset about how mine was being planned!

katie121209 · March 2016

I think it's ok to ask to have it earlier. We just did the same thing yesterday. MIL called to say it would be on a Sunday night from 5 to 8, and we have a 4 hr drive back to our house. She assumed he would take a vacation day the following day and we informed her he didn't have time to take off. It's now in the early afternoon so we have travel time.
Perhaps haveDH talk to her about how the time will be too difficult to allow many guests to attend?

Hummingbird125 · March 2016

I don't think yo're overreacting. My bridal shower was on a Sunday, and I felt really badly that my OOT friends had so far to travel home on a Sunday evening. I am going to request that my baby shower be on a Saturday afternoon to make it easier for guests.

BritMC18 · March 2016

I definitely don't think you're over-reacting. As several PPs said, I would just reach out to her and say something like, "I really appreciate you offering to throw this shower for me, but I do have a concern about the time of day. Since many of my family are driving from 2 hours away, having the shower that late in the day just isn't feasible, is there an option to have it earlier in the day?"

ThisisNumber3 · March 2016

I think its hard and kinda sucks but unless you think you could casually talk to her, its probably too late and not worth ruining the relationship.

DressageDarling · March 2016

I more agree with the PP that said to have your mom do one as well, if possible. It sucks, but if your MIL is paying and hosting the whole event in the end it really is up to her.

charmedlifex3 · March 2016

Can she change the date, and keep her deposit? It seems like if this was late on a Saturday it would be less of an issue (Family could always stay over!)

It doesn't hurt to ask her if she can change the date or time... but keep in mind that would be just that... a request. I agree, a nice compromise might be for your mom to have a low key celebration (or maybe host a see and sip after the baby is born) if your side of the family is feeling left out.

misspuppychow · March 2016

Knottie1427415498 said:

Why not Just invite your in-laws family/close friends and have your mom plan a low key shower at her house with your family ?? Or have invites gone out already ?

My parents unfortunately live halfway across the country (where I have no other family). So if my mom hosted me a shower, it would just be my mom and sister haha.

It is several aunts and my grandmothers that will be making the 2-3 hour trip as well as several close family friends. There would probably be 6 people total coming down so it seems silly to have a separate shower for just 6 people.

Jaspertheyoungturnip · March 2016

I completely disagree. It is not all up to your mother in law. This is about you and your baby alone. If she's being unreasonable, don't let her walk all over you. It'll let her think she can always do that, I promise. Make your needs known. She shouldn't have put down that kind of money without consulting you.

ThisisNumber3 · March 2016

Knottie1442786653 said:

I completely disagree. It is not all up to your mother in law. This is about you and your baby alone. If she's being unreasonable, don't let her walk all over you. It'll let her think she can always do that, I promise. Make your needs known. She shouldn't have put down that kind of money without consulting you.

Umm, do you know what a gift is? Hosting a shower is like gifting someone a party. You as the recipient do not get to make it all about you. I hope you are more understanding and grateful if someone decides to throw you a shower.

Sekerambo · March 2016

@ThisisNumber3 is absolutely correct. It is not a requirement for someone to throw a shower. They are doing so because they are choosing to bless you. I would casually ask to change date or time, if invites haven't gone out, but would absolutely not ask to change the rest of what you don't like. She may have her reasons for not having it at her house and wanting to change everything comes across as ungrateful.

Wolfie646 · March 2016

The shower is being hosted for you, if it's not an event that your guests can come to you should speak up. I'd offer to pay the 75 she'll loose in deposit in order to switch to somewhere that can accommodate a time that works for your guests. I'd also enlist your husband to help w the convo if you need it. Id let the rest go so as not to cause a huge rift w your MIL, but I totally hear your pain. When my MIL offered to host she asked if she could host it at her house (which is 2 hours away from where all my guests are - and they'd have to take a train then cabs) and I told her no. I did my own research and found a few places that could work and sent them to her as suggestions. My MIL taste and me/my SO are not the same so we know we have to do this w my In-Laws all the time.

misspuppychow · March 2016

My biggest frustration is that she's putting ALL her time and effort into throwing my SIL (her daughter) the perfect shower and I'm just getting the "leftovers." It is just so hard to always feel second rate to my SIL. She loves to throw it in my face that everyone is working hard to plan her baby shower just how she wants it and makes fun of me that nobody cared enough about me to throw me one that I would like. And my MIL just lets her get away with it.

If it was just my shower, I'd roll it with it cuz I am grateful someone is throwing me one. I'm more so annoyed that she's getting TWO grandkids a couple weeks apart and she's putting 90% into one shower and 10% into the other.

alwayshug · March 2016

I'm really sorry that your baby shower isn't looking like it's going to be everything you want. Your MIL probably shouldn't have offered to throw two baby showers so close to each other, especially for two family members! Anyway, maybe your friend who is co-hosting can speak up on your behalf!

amarfeo17 · March 2016

@misspuppychow oof! I understand how you must be feeling, your SIL sounds a bit bitchy/bratty to me lol. Have you talked to DH about it at all? What's his take on it?

Its very hard when someone throws you a shower to sit back and stay completely quiet. My own mom is throwing mine and a few times I had to talk to my best friend (she's co hosting) about making sure she doesn't choose a date that's too late. My mom has tried to say that since she's throwing it, she gets to pick the date. We kind of got into it a little bit because I had to remind her that I want to be able to enjoy my own baby shower before I get too big and uncomfortable and that it shouldn't be based on HER schedule and when she's traveling. I also agree with @alwayshug , maybe your friend can speak up and help the situation?

hope it all works out for you!

mmclark10 · March 2016

Can you offer to have it at your house with your MIL and friend providing the food and drinks there? I know it is nice of her to throw the shower but you should be able to have a little say in it and having it at your house (even if it is crowded!) will allow your friend to participate a bit more as well.

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