Reluctant First Time Fathers

knm768816 · March 2016

I'm about to turn 28 and my husband will be 40 this year. We are 6 mos pregnant with our first (very unexpected) child. After 8 years of marriage we were sure we were in our place in life. We're very happy as a couple and felt like we didn't need to children to feel complete. Now that I'm pregnant my hubs is very reluctant about being a father. He seems to have checked out emotionally. He goes to every appointment with me and is helping to get things ready for our daughter but then says things like "This is your baby" and "I'm just here, you'll be the one to....(fill in the blank, diaper changing, choosing names, nursery etc) I'm starting to feel really bad about being pregnant, it's like I can't even enjoy it sometimes b/c he makes me feel guilty. I've talked to him about this and he says he's just overwhelmed with it all and then stops talking. It's like he doesn't want to face the fact that I didn't create this baby alone!!! I don't want anyone to get the impression he's a bad person or that he will shirk his responsibility because I know he won't but I also can't get over the feeling that I'm doing this alone. I don't know if anyone can really say anything to help. I just felt like I needed to get this off my chest to an audience that doesn't know us personally. I don't want to talk to family or friends about this for fear of them looking down on him.

lm45678 · March 2016

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sure your husband is just worried about the lifestyle change and if he's going to be a good dad.

That being said, if you really feel alone I would recommend going to see a marriage counselor. It will help you two through pregnancy, early parenthood and help to secure your bond as a married couple.

meggyme · March 2016

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. My husband was a little like this at first. He would say things like "you wanted this" (we were trying, but it happened way faster than either of us expected). It was based in the fear and anxiety that he wouldn't be a good dad. I've always reassured him that by being worried about being a good dad he is already a good dad and that every couple is making it up as they go along. I think that this has helped relieve some of his anxiety and allow him to develop his own idea of the kind of father he would like to be.

Does your husband have any friends that are dads that he could talk to? That also helped to relieve the anxiety by hearing from impartial outsiders how having a kid has been a good change in their life.

splsmama2016 · March 2016

My H has been the same way, to an extent. I'll be 28 at the end of the month and he's 42, and he NEVER even wanted to get married, let alone have kids. Clearly things changed for him lol. (No I did not push him into anything, just to make that clear lol)

Hes been stand off-ish at times, but as we've gotten closer and closer to the end, he's really turned things around. I think once your H sees your baby, it will click for him and be REAL to him. Men have a hard time grasping this concept because they can't see the physical being besides on a screen or in a picture.
Hang in there, lady

alysemci · March 2016

My husband wanted kids more than me and is by far the best dad I've ever met to our son BUT never really gets excited or talks about it or even seems to care until the baby is here. I always ask him about decisions for the new baby or if he wants to hear about how big/what the baby is up to this week and he could care less haha. I think the phrase "a mother is a mother from conception and a father is a father once the baby is here" can be applied in emotional terms for a lot of people

catherinekate · March 2016

I'm really sorry you're in this position. Your husband sounds like he has poor coping skills. You said that this was an unexpected pregnancy, so I imagine your husband isn't thrilled about his life changing. That said, he absolutely needs to figure out how to support you and how to step up because you didn't create this child on your own and you're not going to raise the child alone either. I sympathize with not wanting to open this up to friends or family. Obviously, I hope that he comes around when the child is born, but I think it's worth investing time and energy into what you're going to do if he doesn't. You said you've talked about this with him, but I hope you've been really clear about the fact that you're not raising this child alone and resent the implication that he will only do the bare minimum. Counselling, therapy, etc. might be necessary and useful options for him. I agree that he might benefit from talking to friends.

Also, I didn't realize there were other ladies here with significantly older partners--no offence to your husbands, of course.

There's a 12 year age gap between me and my husband, which has subjected us to some eyebrow raising over the years.

PBear93 · March 2016

I don't have a lot to add, I just wanted to reiterate that for most men, the baby doesn't feel "real" until they are born. They don't have all the symptoms and feel them
growing and moving all the time like we do so it's harder for them to really grasp it until they are born.
I hope your hubby is just one of these guys that just has a hard time wrapping their heads around it and then will be fine once the baby is born.

Rosehip15 · March 2016

It's a crummy situation for sure, but I want to reiterate that he may sing a different tune once baby's here. I have a bit of the opposite situation.

This is my third (my DH's first). And he is totally enamored with...my belly. I hate being pregnant, think kicks are alien-esque and am not even a little bit into prep work (nursery, what nursery, we've done literally zero) and while this is a very wanted child, I have a lot of trouble "bonding" with the baby in my belly. I'm even a little annoyed that we found out the sex (DH wanted to, I didn't find out with my first two). Now everyone's calling her she, asking about how Anna is...um. Fine? I guess? You can try to ask her? I think it's just plain weird to call a child I've never met by a name, and even to know the sex.

I know this makes me sound cold and like a bad mom. But I guarantee you - no body loves babies like I do. I pretty much hold them for six months, meet any need they have at any hour and am totally gaga over my babies. But they have to be out of me. So there may be hope.

mar101483 · March 2016

My H and I have been together for 6 years, we never planned on having kids, even though we've talked about maybe trying in a few years, we got married at the end of September and pregnant on our honeymoon or right after. When I initially told him I was pregnant, his reaction was pretty poor, so much so he made me cry. He got over it pretty fast, and is now even happier than I am. I'm hoping your H comes around once he sees the baby. I do agree with pp about the possibility of going to couples counseling. If he's not up to it, maybe go alone for a few times.

TiffanyRickF · March 2016

Rosehip15 said:

It's a crummy situation for sure, but I want to reiterate that he may sing a different tune once baby's here. I have a bit of the opposite situation.

This is my third (my DH's first). And he is totally enamored with...my belly. I hate being pregnant, think kicks are alien-esque and am not even a little bit into prep work (nursery, what nursery, we've done literally zero) and while this is a very wanted child, I have a lot of trouble "bonding" with the baby in my belly. I'm even a little annoyed that we found out the sex (DH wanted to, I didn't find out with my first two). Now everyone's calling her she, asking about how Anna is...um. Fine? I guess? You can try to ask her? I think it's just plain weird to call a child I've never met by a name, and even to know the sex.

I know this makes me sound cold and like a bad mom. But I guarantee you - no body loves babies like I do. I pretty much hold them for six months, meet any need they have at any hour and am totally gaga over my babies. But they have to be out of me. So there may be hope.

I really get this... My hubby and I were actively trying to get preggo, i mean fertility meds and all. 1st preg was a mmc (super early loss), 2nd with my now 4 yr old and now this pregnancy which we had officialy quit trying after 6 iui's and two yrs of fert meds, then the next mt got a surprise lol. All three positive tests involved me making a call to my best friend sobbing that I am not sure I want this, with my son near the end of the preg I did enjoy his little kicks, but didnt feel connected, i must of told my hubby dozens of times I didnt think I would be maternial and that i wasnt sure i would bond, i had doubts etc. But the second I held him it was a wrap! I am the same way this preg I think its weird to refer by his name, touch my belly and etc. But I know the min i see him all those doubts will be laughable.

snowhite12 · March 2016

Im sorry you are going through this!
My now Husband and I got pregnant with our first when we were just 22. I was extremely worried I would be raising a child alone. However, when our DD was born, he immediately fell in love with her and really stepped up as a dad. We went through some very tough and emotional stages (we were both extremely immature) and I never thought that I would be 26, own a home, married, and pregnant with my second but I am!
A little piece of advice I received, a woman becomes a mother when she finds out she pregnant, a man becomes a father when his first child is born.
This may not be true for all, but it was for my husband.

SoEnamored · March 2016

Just a thought, does he know a lot about babies? If not, maybe if you start taking some classes together, he will feel better equipped to be involved. Or maybe help him get excited by finding a hook for him. Whether it's buying baby stuff that ties to his favorite hobbies or just being silly together about baby names, get him involved however you can. My husband really enjoyed watching The Happiest Baby on the Block and then became really proud of doing a good swaddle and sush.

Otherwise, I'm curious about why he thinks you'll be doing everything. If you expect that you'll be equal partners as parents and that he won't be the helpless dunce on the sidelines, it's time to challenge some assumptions he may have and build up his ego and capabilities.

Boonhilde · March 2016

I'm so sorry. I've heard of dads being like this then doing a 180 when they meet their kids. Hopefully that's the case here. I'd keep talking to him about it, about how you're overwhelmed too and how you're a team in this, and using "I" language and all that. Again, I'm so sorry he's being a bit of a dork. Hopefully he snaps out of it soon.

knm768816 · March 2016

I'm amazed what a weeks time can do. Out of the blue my hubby apologized for not being emotionally involved lately. We discussed our fears and anxieties again together which I think helped him realize I'm just as nervous as he is. AND he felt her for the first time when she had the hiccups the other day. It seems to really have made a difference because now he's talking about her and even to her now. I appreciate everyones words of encouragement. I hope he continues to be supportive. I can't wait until she's here and he can bond with her even more.

meggyme · March 2016

Hooray! I'm so glad things are going better!

MrsAlliKat · March 2016

Great to hear! I'm glad things seem to have turned around for you guys!

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