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Fears after baby arrives?

Nordaas125Nordaas125 member
in May 2016 Moms
I couldn't find another post like this for us may 2016 moms. So I'm just starting to stress out a little about after baby is here. I'm not scared of taking care of our bundle of joy, I'm fearful of how little my DH will be around. My DH is a small farmer and a full-time employee for a big farmer in our area. He works a lot and I'm not exaggerating on that. This last fall (Sept-Nov) I only seen him a handful of times. It wasn't a big deal when it was just me. Then the rest of the year is still 7 days a week with a random half Sunday's. Also the hours are random. I never know what time he'll be off. It can be anywhere between 6-midnight. Planning our lives is very hard. It's very rare that he gets a full day off. I'm really fearing how much he will see our child. I'm scared it's going to put a damper on our marriage. I can't fully talk to him about this stuff because he is a live in the moment kind of guy. If I try to he always says we will deal with it when the baby is here. 
Hope everyone else has less fears than me. 

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Re: Fears after baby arrives?

  • mrstmoosemrstmoose member
    I am not married to a farmer but I live in Kansas, so farm country. Or grown up around farmers at least. I think talking about it before LO gets here is your best option, because he has to take into account how you feel. It sounds like he needs to keep working and farming is hard and long. I think taking advantage of the time you do get together is awesome but then planning on taking lunch or dinner to him so you and the LO can see him. I know someone whose husband owns a large farm in Western Kansas and they have 3 little girls. She's a SAHM but they make sure to take him lunch/dinner when he works late and he just takes a small break to spend a few minutes with him. 

    This will be hard but you can do it. Maybe look around your area to see if there are other farmer's wives and see if there are support groups or mom's groups so you don't feel so alone? 
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  • DanandVanDanandVan member
    I am sorry to hear he isn't around much. My huband is pt military, working, and full time student, so I have our 3 kids (soon to be 4) almost completely on my own (and was all on my own for 3 deployments, each a year in length). All of that to say doing it on your own is hard but doable. For us, this is not a long-term thing. My husband graduates this summer, and that will give him more time at home. What worries me about your situation is that it seems very long term, unless your husband changes his job. His work/home life is imbalanced, and that for sure will affect your relationship and family life. I would find a time to talk to him about all of it - just let him know how important it is to you, and hopefully he will give you the chance to talk about it fully with him. Don't wait until baby gets here to talk about it - trust me, you will not get a chance to once baby needs your full attention. Hope you find a solution!
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  • dshannahdshannah member
    I'm worried about money and about my own stupidity/inability to mother. I'm terrified about all of the ways I could accidentally hurt baby.  But I think those are probably things everyone worries about...

    I second what other posters have said: definitely talk to your husband! Also, what sorts of other resources do you have (friends, family, other farmer-wives, church)? Because long term doing it alone and schedule unpredictability has got to be hard.  What do your husbands' colleagues do in terms of family/work balance?
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  • missnc77missnc77 member
    I call working out my Prozac, so that first month post baby while healing and not sleeping is scary for me. If I don't workout regularly, my depression kicks in. Then when going back to work and dealing with an infant, I have no idea when I'll fit it in. I'm hoping because I'm anticipating my mental health taking a dive that I can be prepared for it and have some things I can do already planned out. I want to be the super mom that makes money, works out, and handles having an infant, but my job in the last three weeks has gotten totally insane, and now I have a nasty cold as a result of stress and lack of sleep. I told my husband last week that this pace isn't sustainable, and it sure as heck won't be sustainable with an infant. I just hope I prioritize my health over pride and a paycheck if the time to make that choice comes. We can make it on one income, but fun vacations and buying whatever I want would no longer be an option. My husband is supportive of whatever I decide, but it's so hard to just walk away. 
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  • JennyS86JennyS86 member
    Nordaas125  Hey there - It sounds like a good first step that you are recognizing that his long hours are going to be a challenge.  I'm sure he wants to spend time with LO as well.
    My husband started a new job 5 months ago.  He leaves before the twins (age 2) get up, and they are asleep when he gets home. He does get to see them all weekend.  I'm trying to be patient with DH, but I hope at some point that he can be home at 6pm, maybe 2 or 3nights per week to have dinner together.  It would also make putting the twins to bed with a newborn easier. 
    Like others mentioned above, making sure you have support and social interaction is important.  This has been a rough pregnancy for me, but when I am out-and-about, I have in-laws nearby, a few neighbor-friends, and a few friends from the hospital where I used to work.  My parents and sister visit a few times a year as well.  We are trying to be more active at church, but I need to get through the pregnancy first!
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  • saladflambesaladflambe member
    I'm also really scared about managing my mental health. It's been hard to do that throughout pregnancy, and I imagine it will be just as hard if not more difficult post-baby. I'm scared of being left alone with/in that.
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  • ayeshaoharaayeshaohara member
    Just as something reassuring to you moms who are worried about dad not being around as much as you'd like...my dad worked long hours and often 6 days a week, but I have to say that he was an incredible dad. The time he did spend with us he was ultra present and just awesome fun. Strict but fun :) it's the QUALITY of the time he will spend with them and not necessarily the quantity. And as we've grown up we've realised that he worked hard to provide for us in such an amazing way and your babies will too! I hope that helps ease at least some of the anxieties 
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  • okcountrygirlokcountrygirl member
    I'm worried about how the furbabies will react... They aren't around kids much. When they are they do all right. My pit is a sweet princess but my chihuahua is a bit hyper active... They have been our babies for years and hubby says of there are issues we will have to considering rehoming them which makes me want to cry... I'm pretty confident they'll be great but I'm still worried...
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  • buffythevampireslayerbuffythevampireslayer member
    I'm worried about money and work-life balance. And keeping the baby alive...I've never even held a newborn. I don't know anyone with a newborn. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll figure it out (money and keeping baby alive) so I hope that's true! I am also very excited to go to a babycare class and learn some basic stuff.
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  • dsmith211dsmith211 member
    zasinger said:
    I'm worried about money and work-life balance. And keeping the baby alive...I've never even held a newborn. I don't know anyone with a newborn. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll figure it out (money and keeping baby alive) so I hope that's true! I am also very excited to go to a babycare class and learn some basic stuff.
    This. We have the baby care portion of our class coming up not this week but next. I think this is probably the one I'll need most.
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  • Bltbear82Bltbear82 member
    For anyone nervous about baby care, the first diaper DH ever changed was in the hospital. He pretty much changed every diaper until he went back to work 2 weeks later. So if you forget anything after class don't worry - the nurses will show you how to do anything, just ask. They helped him swaddle until he got it right etc. 
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  • seasalt123seasalt123 member
    Baby care is also frightening me. My childless friends are all the ones who live in the city near me and the ones who are more experienced have moved more into the suburbs. I love this latter friend group and they are all eager to teach and guide...but they aren't close by so it won't be hands on help. 

    Being the youngest of two children and having no cousins, I've never spent much time around kids and I'm quite clueless. I've only ever held a baby twice, very briefly and surrounded by sofa cushions. 

    I going to sign up for baby classes the second and third trimester but I've been in the hospital since 20 weeks. At first we figured I would still get discharged and then have the third trimester to get ready...but it looks like this baby will come any time after 34 weeks (earlier if an emergency arises) and I will be in the hospital until the end. So I definitely won't be able to take classes and I suddenly don't have much time left at all. I feel vastly underprepared at this stage and wish I could go back in time and take some classes/buy some essentials in the first trimester.

    One of my friends is bringing me books on breastfeeding and babies to start reading...I've spent so much time educating myself on high risk pregnancies and need a crash course on babies now. My friends and the nurses here all day I will figure it out and I won't need much to start. But I'm so worried I will do something wrong. 
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  • swflJDswflJD member
    @Nordaas125 That's a tough position to be in, but try to give your husband the benefit of the doubt - at least for now. If he wants to be involved in your LO's life, he will find a way. My dad started his own construction company when I was a few months old. He worked 7 days a week until I was well into elementary school, and about 6 days a week after that. My mom was a SAHM, and she took my sister and me to meet him for lunch a few times a week since we were usually in bed by the time he got home. If he wasn't going to be super-late, she would let us wait up sometimes to see him for a few minutes before we went to bed. When his schedule allowed him, he would make us breakfast and drive us to school. Those brief car rides were the best because it was really the only time we got with him. When we were older, we would go to work with him some (especially in the summer when we were out of school). It was usually just for a few hours here and there to give my mom a break, but we had so much fun and learned important life skills (like how to get more paint on the wall than in your hair!) and he had fun teaching us. I'm not sure if your LO going to work with him would be a possibility later on, but it was a great way for me to bond with my dad when I was a kid and he was working crazy hours.
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  • Chappy_jrChappy_jr member
    The good thing about newborns is that they're incredibly forgiving when it comes to you learning how to take care of them.  Not exactly patient (as when they're cold and you're still futzing with the stupid buttons on the sleeper or hangry as you're desperately trying to fix the latch at 3am) but forgiving.  I still feel inadequate about my ability to care for my DS (3-years old) when he's sick but the basics of nurturing do truly kick in and if they don't, then that is a sign to reach out for help.  

    My biggest fear this time is that my DH will experience post-partum depression again - yes, it can happen for men even if the mother doesn't have it - and that he'll go down the negative spiral we experienced last time.  I feel like I just got him back last year and I would hate to loose him again during another episode.  Fortunately, his relationship with DS has improved so much that I think it will help sustain them both during the transition and am encouraging him to set up adventures to have together with DS and some to have as a family, too.  

    But OP, I think your fear is reasonable.  You'll just have to find ways to get help from others so you can have breaks and work with your DH on how to ensure that the time he does get with the baby is special.  I'm sure that you can get a lot of ideas from families with deployed parents (there's probably a board on TheBump for that) about how they handle the separation and try to bridge the distance.


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  • Nordaas125Nordaas125 member
    Thanks for all the advice. However I will be a working mom as well m-f. So even my days will be long and tiresome. Sometimes I have gone out and ride with him or sit in the shop but his worn stuff is very sporadic and never know where he'll be at. Like I said I can't really talk to him right now about it. I think it's the whole connection thing he needs to experience and realize he isn't seeing our child as much as he'd like. I do have one positive thing that he is doing. He will be dropping the LO off at daycare because it's on his way to work. However I am a little nervous because we will be heading into harvest not too soon after I go back to work. There are days during harvest that he doesn't get home till 2am but then leaves before me. We decided he'd drop off LO because during the rest of the year we almost always leave at the same time so it made sense for him to drop LO off. Our lives will be hectic I just know it. I'll have to see how it all works out. 
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  • KarenpreggoKarenpreggo member
    okcountrygirl said:
    I'm worried about how the furbabies will react... They aren't around kids much. When they are they do all right. My pit is a sweet princess but my chihuahua is a bit hyper active... They have been our babies for years and hubby says of there are issues we will have to considering rehoming them which makes me want to cry... I'm pretty confident they'll be great but I'm still worried...
    Best professional advice I can give you - call up an animal behaviorist now, BEFORE baby comes to work out some of the kinks. Youd be surprised how much there is to do.  Also, consult with the behaviorist as/if you need to after as well - SO MANY pet/baby issues are preventable.  I hate telling people they need to rehome or euthanize but with an ounce of prevention now, hopefully you wont wind up in that situation.  Call your vet and find out who they recommend.  If they dont have a recommendation, call your humane society or kennel club.
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  • Knottie64278661Knottie64278661 member
    okcountrygirl, I had a similar concern how our 2 yr beagle-dachshund would respond to LO. I found this info from American Human Association to be very helpful. 

    https://www.americanhumane.org/interaction/programs/humane-education/pet-meets-baby.html?referrer=https://www.google.com/

    We actually decided to get another dog for him to have a companion and keep busy while we are caring for LO. Good luck to you and hope this helps!

    p.s. First time we played baby crying noises for dog desensitizing it was so interesting/funny to see our dog respond. He kept turning his head from side to side like "what on earth is that strange sound?"
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  • LadySamLadyLadySamLady member
    Knottie64278661 said:
    okcountrygirl, I had a similar concern how our 2 yr beagle-dachshund would respond to LO. I found this info from American Human Association to be very helpful. 

    https://www.americanhumane.org/interaction/programs/humane-education/pet-meets-baby.html?referrer=https://www.google.com/

    We actually decided to get another dog for him to have a companion and keep busy while we are caring for LO. Good luck to you and hope this helps!

    p.s. First time we played baby crying noises for dog desensitizing it was so interesting/funny to see our dog respond. He kept turning his head from side to side like "what on earth is that strange sound?"
    My dogs do not react to recorded sounds at all. When they were puppies they would sometimes bark if they heard a dog barking on TV but now they don't even raise an eyebrow. Needless to say, when we played crying noises for them they had no reaction whatsoever. We have just been letting them sniff and inspect the baby's gear as it arrives, will take them on walks with the stroller before she comes, and get them used to the noises and movements of the rockaroo etc. my biggest worry is that the dogs will be heartbroken with less attention. 

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