Depression...please don't flame me

Jengle77 · March 2016

I know some of you are going to come at me for this post, but I am certainly coming from a low and honest place and I am hoping to hear that I am not totally alone!

I was divorced two years ago shortly after my 2nd daughter was born. I met an amazing man who also had two girls. We were one big happy Brady bunch. And although I would have loved to have my kids with me every day, that was not our reality. Both of our exes are great people and great parents and we have joint custody. My BF and I had an awesome life. Half our week was free of kids (we were on the same schedule) so we could stay up late talking and enjoying a bottle of wine. We would meet with friends. We would go see late movies. Go get desert at midnight. Sleep in. Have a ton of sex. It was pure bliss. The rest of the week it was kid time and we packed as much fun and love into those moments as we could. We were all so happy. I used to think how good we had it compared to most of my friends. We had our kids when we could and had each other the rest of the time. Our plan was never to add to our family and to get married this summer.

Well, fast forward to now. Here I sit 16 weeks pregnant with another girl. On one hand I am happy to be pregnant, but I am grieving the life we were supposed to have. A baby is a blessing, but I am having a hard time getting my arms around our new life. I truly think I am depressed. This is not the life I planned. This is not the way things were supposed to be. We were so great and now I feel like our world is turned upside down. Again, if I went to the doctor and he said something happened to the baby, I would be devastated, so please don't think I do not care about this baby. I do. But I am not happy. And because I am not happy, my boyfriend feels alone and not happy. I just don't know how to get over this and be happy that this is our new life. And to look at the positives. Honestly, I am having a hard time listing many positives. The negatives list is endless. How do I change this thinking? Will it change when the baby arrives?

I feel like my sanity and my relationship are in jeopardy and I just don't know what to do. Top this all off with pregnancy hormones and I am one weepy blob sitting at my desk this morning.

Have any of you gone through this with an unexpected pregnancy? What helped?

TIA!

Curls919 · March 2016

Why on earth would anyone flame you?? We planned DS and the switch from life as a couple to life as a family of 3 was rough for us. I ended up with postpartum anxiety and needed to see a therapist.

I'd recommend seeing someone now. If you're already feeling like this, once the postpartum hormones kick in it may just make it worse so I think seeing a therapist now to talk through all of this and continuing to see them postpartum would be beneficial for you.

WildWhat · March 2016

I would talk to a licensed therapist about your feelings. Pregnancy is a major change, stressful and not right for everyone (or every one at any time). Strangers on the Internet can offer minimal support, but for the sake of you and your family whom you obviously care for deeply, I would say you should
give yourself the support of therapy to help work out your mixed emotions and options. It's nothing to be ashamed of--just a form of self care.

jamiesc58 · March 2016

Have you gone to therapy or counseling? That would be a good place to start imo.

Jengle77 · March 2016

My boyfriend and I have been seeing a therapist, mostly because things have just "changed" with us. And I had a nice long thought about it last night, and I realized that its me. I have changed. I don't think I am the person he fell in love with. Who I thought I was and who I was going to be is gone. And I have hinted at my thoughts with the therapist and as recently as yesterday she said "well, this is your new reality. You just need to get on board". So, there's that! I probably need to see someone solo. UGH!

Curls919 · March 2016

Jengle77 said:

My boyfriend and I have been seeing a therapist, mostly because things have just "changed" with us. And I had a nice long thought about it last night, and I realized that its me. I have changed. I don't think I am the person he fell in love with. Who I thought I was and who I was going to be is gone. And I have hinted at my thoughts with the therapist and as recently as yesterday she said "well, this is your new reality. You just need to get on board". So, there's that! I probably need to see someone solo. UGH!

yeah I'd get a new therapist asap

if you told me 7 years ago that at this time I'd be married, mother to a toddler and one on the way and a sahm who lives way out in the burbs I would have laughed at you. At that time I was single, working in nyc and basically married to my job. I spent almost my entire life focused on the industry I wanted to work in and had a decade long career. for various reasons out of my control I had to stop working when DS was almost a year old. It's been over a year and a half and I still struggle with not being "me". I love my son, I love the freedom of being a sahm and I love my town but I have internal struggles at least once a week about how my life has completely changed.

lotsofsunshine · March 2016

As someone who has stuggled with depression for as long as I can remember, I beg you to please see a new counselor. Maybe couples counseling would be benificial too. I hope you can find the help ,guidance and peace you need. Just remember you are not alone. And you should not feel ashamed for the way you are feeling.

nanner26 · March 2016

I'm going to be a FTM. DH and I have been married for 7 years and this pregnancy was completely planned. There are still times that I can't help but wonder if I'm going to miss it being "just us". I think that's pretty normal. I am also really excited to start this next chapter in our lives together. It's a big change in your life, even if you already have kids because of the situation. It sounds like what you are feeling is more serious especially if it is affecting your relationship with your SO. Is there a friend or close family member you can talk to? If not, then I would suggest you see someone about how you are feeling. But I think everyone is entitled to their feelings and you know your situation.
I would suggest getting involved with this board and getting to know some of the ladies here. There is a lot of support. Start participating in weekly ticker changes, etc. Wishing you the best!

lotsofsunshine · March 2016

Sorry, I just saw the part about your bf going with you. There is a lot to be said for being able to talk to someone openly about your feelings. Sometimes having your SO with you, you hold back from addressing the real issues. I wish you the best of luck.

1faceinacrowd · March 2016

I can definitely relate with you in a way. I have a 5-year-old daughter and my husband has an almost 6-year-old son. We both have joint custody with our exes as well, so every other week we have most of the week kid-free. We both miss and love our kids, and we're actually both in the middle of going for primary custody but we would still have days when we're able to just focus on us.

Now, this baby was planned (we both want a total of 4 including our first 2) but I still have grieved a little bit for these days that we have alone together, and there have been days when my hormones have gotten the best of me and I've felt really down about the coming changes. The best advice I can give you is to enjoy this time now, because you still have six months of this. Consider the fact that, even though you're having another one, the time when your older ones aren't around will still be quieter and simpler than when they are, especially as this new baby gets older. And to answer your question - yes, it should absolutely feel better once your baby comes. You'll fall in love with that baby, and you'll have your BF by your side to help raise her and take care of her. Please don't forget to carve out time for yourselves after the baby comes; you should absolutely make time for date nights and alone time.

lmtrmama · March 2016

When I first met my fiancé, I had a 3 year old who was with me 24/7 but is sooo independent! We were so happy just hanging out together all night and then when she went to bed we would stay up and do whatever we wanted! I remember we would make fun mixed drinks and stay up until 1 am every night. Then, I got pregnant and I FREAKED OUT. I felt so stupid for not being more careful. Then, I had a miscarriage and I was absolutely devastated. We then tried and tried and tried until we got pregnant with my now 18 month old. My youngest is very needy and wakes up constantly. Sometimes I will go weeks and realize that my fiancé and I haven't kissed or hugged, and we sleep in separate beds. I decided I was done having babies and I told him to get a vasectomy. He wanted to wait until work slowed down, so I scheduled a doctor appt to get a Mirena. Then ONE NIGHT, the first time in MONTHS, we had sex. Three days later I had ovulation symptoms, and I thought nothing of it. Well fast forward to now, I'm pregnant! Lol! I can't say that I am overwhelmed with joy at all, but I know that I will love this baby.

I think you are feeling normal. You love your life now, and you know with 100% certainty that it's about to change. It might end up happier than you could have imagined, or you could end up crying a little when you wake up with baby 6 times a night! It's normal to not be thrilled about every aspect of it in my opinion. I would say for now, soak up every second of time with your boyfriend and then by the time baby is here, you will have such a solid foundation that the transition won't be so hard! Good luck, don't get down on yourself for feeling this way!

tmk0325 · March 2016

Hannah0726 said:

I'm going to be a FTM. DH and I have been married for 7 years and this pregnancy was completely planned. There are still times that I can't help but wonder if I'm going to miss it being "just us". I think that's pretty normal. I am also really excited to start this next chapter in our lives together. It's a big change in your life, even if you already have kids because of the situation. It sounds like what you are feeling is more serious especially if it is affecting your relationship with your SO. Is there a friend or close family member you can talk to? If not, then I would suggest you see someone about how you are feeling. But I think everyone is entitled to their feelings and you know your situation.
I would suggest getting involved with this board and getting to know some of the ladies here. There is a lot of support. Start participating in weekly ticker changes, etc. Wishing you the best!

Yes to this exactly. I'm coming from a job where I was able to travel and see the world and come home to my SO and family. I lost my job last year and since then it had been a complete reflection and journey for me. Our pregnancy was planned however, two babies was not what we were planning. I would be lying if I said I didn't have questions about how we will be going forward and how I will be specifically. I have always prided myself on being a very adaptable person and never had an issue with anxiety or depression, however I have voiced my concerns to my SO and mom in case after the babies are born and I end up with post depression. If it were to get to that point, I fully plan to see someone professional.

With that said, I do think that you being able to admit that you have concerns is a great first step. The fact that you are already taking to someone is good, but like others said I think maybe you need to find a different therapist. If you can get a support team in place (family or friends) I think that will also help when you just need to vent and your SO isn't helping.

I cant give any advice, because I'm going to be a FTM and this is all new to me too. You always have a place here to vent and just know there are a lot of us out there that are going thru similar feelings and it will be alright!

Bookhousegirl · March 2016

I don't have a lot of advice but I just want it say that I can relate to having to mourn your old life and would never flame you for it! I have a 2 y/o DS and I love him so much but there are many days I painfully miss my old life with DH. Most of my friends are still living the child-free life and I am envious of the freedom they have. It helps me to remember that this time is temporary, there will come a point where my children won't require all of my time and attention, and I'm sure I will miss this phase once I get to that one! What has been helpful for DH and I is that we make sure to take date nights as often as possible and we set a pretty strict bedtime for DS. He goes down between 7 and 7:30 every night so we will have a few hours to eat dinner and have drinks (well, prior to pregnancy) and talk. That time has absolutely saved our marriage.

Also, talking to someone individually is so important. Couple's counseling is great, but that person is there for your marriage and relationship, you need someone who's sole focus is you.

kattyleigh · March 2016

Very much the same story here, though we did plan this kid. I have kids from a previous marriage and he has none. We loved our time together, literally exploring mountains and weekends away and oh the sex. Reality of having a baby has changed us and I'm terrified. Just a lot of adjusting. We are beyond excited but still feeling out how the relationship will morph. New roles. We've seen a therapist and I see her on the regular. Deep breath.

Mrsrundell · March 2016

Sooo many awkward Internet hugs!! Your feelings are valid and you are on the right path since you are recognizing you want to change for the better. I don't have specific advice but, we are all here to listen and support when you need it!

Duffgurl · March 2016

It sounds like you are on the right track of wanting help and seeking it. I think it's normal to have some feelings brought up on how things will be different when a new baby is here. One thing I would suggest is stop looking at the negative. If you keep doing this that's all you will see. I really hope things get better for you and your SO. Just remember everything happens for a reason. :big hugs:

lizzitbe · March 2016

All the internet hugs!
I can relate: my husband and I were talking about holding off for a little bit to start a family. When I found out I was pregnant I cried and not the happy kind of tears and my first few months were miserable and racked with guilt. I had just wrapped up physical therapy after hip surgery and I was looking forward to getting back to the gym and getting back on track with so many things; spending a few months on me. I was sad and angry. My husband was happy and excited.
I didn't start feeling better until I actually started saying out loud that I was hating pregnancy and hearing from other women that they felt the same way when they were pregnant. I am starting to enjoy this pregnancy and looking forward to meeting our little girl soon. Let go of guilt. You are not alone. Please know that.

Katienu · March 2016

No advice that hasn't been offered but I just want to say how brave of you to admit your feelings. That takes a lot of courage. Best of luck to you.

Snaps816 · March 2016

Saying goodbye to the life you know and love is sad, and scary. I think a lot of first time parents feel the same, too, despite their excitement to meet baby. I hope no one would flame you for feeling depressed about it.

AliKay20 · March 2016

Seriously why would anyone flame you?! I think this just shows your courage in acknowledging & sharing your feelings. While I cannot directly relate, I will say, as a FTM to be and having this pregnancy unplanned, I am constantly going through ups and downs emotionally. DH and I have no idea what to expect but have decided to embrace whatever's to come. Still doesn't prevent random fears I get of the unknown or sudden waves of sadness and strangeness when I look at myself in the mirror from time to time; yet for some reason, after a good cry or two, I'm ecstatic and over the moon when I feel this precious life inside me move. It's going to take time adjusting to the new normal. Hugs!

kmlovato · March 2016

I'm going to echo the sentiments of all the pps on here. It's brave to come out and say that it's effecting you. No one will flame you for that.

DH and I have been married for almost 5 years, this pregnancy was totally planned, and yes, I am excited, but as a FTM, I'm also overwhelmed, and a little nervous about how it is going to affect our marriage. I think you should talk to a professional on your own in addition to your couples therapy (if it's helping) as it might help you cope with and adjust to all of the changes.

Don't discount those hormones... I had a perfectly fine day today and came home and wanted to cry for no reason. But having supports in place before the birth (a councillor or someone you trust) will make it easier to talk to them if you need them/feel worse post-partum.

texasmama2014 · March 2016

I'm sure it's a scary thing! Don't feel down on yourself we all hide some fears and desires to be free, I think. I know there are times that I think about how easy life was before DD and babysitters and strollers and other equipment. It doesn't mean I don't want or love her, just that this parenting crap is hard!

Mfuller76 · March 2016

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. Everything you are feeling right now is completely understandable, and depression in pregnancy is common. tgeconky advice I can give that hasn't already been said is to gentle with yourself right now. Hang in there!

ShanRum3 · March 2016

I second all the advice given to you by PP's! I also want you to know that you are not alone! This is my third baby, and I was in denial at first. I pretty much knew I was pg, but I didn't really want to be! I waited so long before even taking a test. I was 10 weeks before I tested. I remember feeling light headed and shaking so badly I could barely put the cap on the test. We thought we were done! Our other kids are 11 and 6, and if we want to go somewhere, or do something, we just say put your shoes on, and we can go out the door. I still kind of feel like this is all just a dream, and as much as I wasn't ready to say we were done after DS2, after 6 years, I just thought we were done and a family of 4 is who we were. I am excited about this baby, but at the same time, mourning the life we had. I'm not even sure how DH feels, because we barely even talk about the baby. He's not the same as he was during my other pregnancies... He would rub my belly and do all kinds of sweet things when I was pregnant with the other 2, and he does NONE of those things this time. It kind of makes it hard for me to get super excited.
All I'm saying is there is nothing wrong with mourning the loss of the life you had, and you should be proud of yourself, having the courage to talk about it!

kiwico14 · March 2016

You are not alone, and this is a really supportive community. It is scary to make this kind of life change, so you are totally justified in grieving your old life.

Relationships are all about changing and growing to complement the changes and growth in your partner. I think the fact that you're being so reflective speaks volumes. Knowing that you "own" your part in what's going on will help your BF adjust and support you. Good for you for being willing to seek help. It sounds like you're on the right track. Hang in there!

Jengle77 · March 2016

Thanks ladies! I have started to see a therapist on my own and the true issues were more than just not being excited about the baby. I am a control freak. Like OCD control freak, and this unplanned pregnancy has totally caused me to lose control. And I don't function well without a plan. And there is fear that I cannot do it. Like emotionally not be strong enough. I have not had the most positive reaction from my mother (who I apparently have some sort of mommy issues lol) and her negativity has truly made me believe that I was not going to be able to do it. What I have realized is that for once in my life, I have a partner who is 110% supportive and will do anything he can to ensure my happiness. He just got offered a new job making $50,000 more a year and the first thing he said was..."Yay, now maybe we can hire you a nanny for those non kid nights so we can still have our dates. Oh, maybe we can even hire a nanny to come on vacation with us....we can have her watch the baby overnight so we can go party a little". Now, that may be extreme, but he is trying!

I still have my moments of feeling scared and depressed, but compared to when I posted this, it has been so much better! Thanks again!

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