Pregnancy Annoucement after news of Coworker's Infertility

guitarra1614 · March 2016

Hey All,

I seriously need some etiquette advice. I am planning to announce my pregnancy at a staff meeting next week. However, a coworker, who is well-liked by all, just sent an email announcing the sad news that she and her husband have been struggling with fertility and that she will not be able to have a natural family of her own. She wrote this to explain why she had been out sick and why she did not seem herself. She mentioned in her email that no one should feel bad about sharing the news about starting their own families.

I know this must be really hard for her and my heart is breaking into a million pieces just thinking about it. How do I go about making a tactful announcement? I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I can be quite brash at times, so I am really struggling with how approach this. We are not very close, so I think it would be weird if I told her first.

Any thoughts? I need some help from people who do not commit social gaffes every other day!! (Or maybe have learned from them?!)

P.S. I LOVE my Bump Boards and I do not know how I could survive this pregnancy without all of the support!

Smashbox29 · March 2016

Honestly, regardless of knowing her well enough to announce to her first, I would go ahead and tell her before the staff meeting. It prepares her for your announcement and everyones reactions to yours and her as well. Its hard when your trying along with others and find out their bad news to only get good news yourself.

Announcing a week or month later may still sting for her and you can not control that. This is a happy time for you and your job will have to know anyways.

Good Luck!

Thscary · March 2016

Agreeing with @Smashbox29 . Even if you are not super close, I would let her know in advance so she has a chance to process, and if she has an emotional moment she can do so in private before it is announced at the meeting

linzandjer11 · March 2016

Yes. I would tell her a day or two in advance. An email seems appropriate, since you aren't super close. Let her know that you're pregnant and how far along you are. Tell her that you want to be sensitive to her feelings and if she wants to duck out of the staff meeting while you're announcing she can. I'd also mention that she doesn't have to feel super excited for you right now.

star18star · March 2016

I would definitely give her advanced notice. It's not about how close you are but about giving her the time to process in private. I've struggled with TTC and loss in pregnancy and the news can be very emotional even if you truly are happy. When my sister told me she was pregnant, and due a month after the baby we lost, I cried for hours. I was SO happy for her and love her little boy, but people need time to grieve their own issues in the presence of others' good news.

guitarra1614 · March 2016

@linzandjer11 @star18star @Thscary @Smashbox29 You guys are making really good points. Thank you so much for your input. I think you guys hit the nail right on the head with letting her know beforehand, even though it wasn't my first thought. Thank you for sharing your personal insights and struggles. I really needed help on this one!

hey_clever_girl · March 2016

I agree with what everyone else has said. It took us 2 years for this baby, and every pregnancy announcement I heard or witnessed was like a little slap in the face. Giving her a heads up and telling her before your formal work announcement would give her time to process privately and not in front of everyone else if she needed to. It may also give her the possibility to opt out of the meeting. Good luck!

pellylang · March 2016

I agree with all the previous posters. If you give her some heads up, she can spend some time processing the news. I'm sure she will be happy for you, but it may also be hard for her to hear and this will give her time to show her emotions as needed without being shocked in the middle of a meeting.

Alyeena · March 2016

I also agree that it is better to tell her first, an email is more than appropriate just so she can react to the news in private. You may want to add when you will announce to the rest of the office so she can choose not to be there if she can?

When you are infertile every announcement stings. At first the feelings of happiness for the other person are overshadowed by your own feelings of jealousy and sadness. But the feeling goes away when you have some time to process.

Another tip you did not ask for, but I hope you won't mind me saying: Please don't complain about pregnancy woes if she can hear you. That is one of the worst feelings.

guitarra1614 · March 2016

@Alyeena That is a really good point about pregnancy complaints. I will definitely remember that.

mrsgillham14 · March 2016

Definitely tell her before. Like on a Friday afternoon so she can go home and react the way she needs to. I also agree an email would be best so she doesn't have to put on a happy face when you tell her.

homebird · March 2016

If it were me, I'd probably skip the "big" announcement and just tell people little by little and let the news sort of trickle around on it's own.

If you have your heart set on a public announcement, tell her ahead of time (maybe in an email or something) so she has time to process her emotions privately instead of having to react in a group setting.

BernieRae · March 2016

That was so generous and thoughtful of your coworker to mention that others shouldn't feel bad about sharing pregnancy news. I agree that giving her a quick heads up is a good idea. Is announcing pregnancy in a group setting the norm at your workplace? Either way, it sounds like it's something you're excited about doing, and so it would take away from your experience if you didn't get to. BUT - and please note that I probably care too much about what others are thinking - will other coworkers who don't know (and don't need to know) that you gave the one coworker a heads up think you are being insensitive to announce publicly so soon after her email? You know the culture of your workplace and can determine if this would matter or matter to you. I know some workplaces can be gossipy and drama filled. Hope yours is not!

guitarra1614 · March 2016

@BernieRae Yeah, it is pretty much the norm to announce at meetings, because we all work independently and rarely have time to get together face to face. I thought about a slow trickle announcement, but I also work with kids. So the main time I see my co-workers is in front of children. I think it would be easier to announce at a staff meeting like the other pregnancies. That is how it is usually done. We even have special times to share celebrations at meetings.

I think you make a good point about the slow trickle. Other people who are dealing with a similar issue might take this as a better option.

BernieRae · March 2016

Are you in a school? I am and I'm thinking about how to share the news. We have had people share news at our staff meetings. I could barely tell my mom over the phone so I don't think I could tell a big group! My co teacher sent a group email. We have a staff lounge where some of us have childhood photos taken. I was thinking of just posting an ultrasound pic with a little note or something.
And then there's if/when/how to tell the parents and kids...

Good luck with your announcement however you end up doing it! It's an exciting time and it's special to share that!

guitarra1614 · March 2016

BernieRae said:

.
And then there's if/when/how to tell the parents and kids...

Yes, I do work at a school. I am a teacher. And I don't know when to tell parents and kids. I think I might go with whatever the last person did at our school. :-)

tayloraustine · March 2016

This is a great thread! Those seem like very tactful solutions

rawarr · March 2016

Did you end up writing an email? Im telling my infertile sis and BIL next week in a letter but can't figure out quite what to say... I'm so nervous about how it's going to go over

rawarr · March 2016

Also- teacher here too! How soon are you telling your students? And how??

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