Is this rude to ask?

whitney812 · March 2016

I know some people think it is rude/inconsiderate to ask a couple when they are going to try for kids (in the case they are in fact trying and are struggling.)

but, I started to wonder if it is also rude/inconsiderate to ask a couple who already has kid(s) if they plan to have more kids? I don't want to offend anyone and I find sometimes I ask our friends this as a convo filler or something?

Thanks for your opinion

texasmama2014 · March 2016

Honestly, I don't know that either is "rude" it more depends on your relationship with the couple. If it is a close friend I don't think its a huge deal to ask. Strangers on the street, pretty rude.

mumblefrog86 · March 2016

Depends on the situation, to a coworker I say rude since you might not know the struggle they are going through. to a close friend or family I think it is ok because you may already know their stuggle or they will tell you the answer. Strangers always a rude question that can really hurt.

Katienu · March 2016

I used always ask this and never thought anything of it until my husband and I were on the fence about having a 2nd. We struggled to have the 1st and said we were fine with just one 1. Every time I received the question, I felt like I needed to defend having an only child.

Now that we announced we are having a 2nd girl - people are asking if we are going to try for a boy...ahhh!

I guess this all comes with the territory!

JournoGrl23 · March 2016

Even though I had a loss before this pregnancy it never bothered me when people asked that. I had coworkers ask and tell me I should be next (a coworker who is a year older than me had her first 14 months ago). The first couple months after the loss it made me sad because I wanted one more than anything. But it didn't upset me that they asked. I never found it rude. But everyone is different.

nanner26 · March 2016

I think it depends on how close you are to the person. If it's family or good friends I think it's fine. DH and I have been married for 7 years so I always thought it was pretty normal for people to ask us. We always planned to wait awhile and so it never bothered me.

I can imagine after we have our first and people start asking about a second it could possibly just be more annoying than rude. We'll see I guess. I think people have good intentions and are just curious or really care about you and want to know.

bearsandbeets7 · March 2016

I find it more annoying than rude, although someone struggling to conceive may find it rude. It's like from the time you start dating someone people ask when your going to get engaged and then you get engaged and then they ask when your getting married and then on your wedding day they ask when you having kids. Life goes by so fast I'm tired of rushing from one thing to the next.

stephweinstein · March 2016

Lurking - It's better not to ask these questions of people you don't know well. Though your intentions may be good, they could be having trouble trying to conceive or it could be a sore subject in their marriage. It's better to tread carefully in these situations.

ThisisNumber3 · March 2016

Yes, its better not to ask. We got asked several times when we were going to give LO1 a sibling when we actually were struggling with 2 losses and long months of trying to get pregnant. It was very sad and hard to have to respond that I wanted more than anything to have more kids but we weren't sure if/when we were going to be able to.

Alyeena · March 2016

As someone who struggled with infertility for four years and had one misscariage I never found anyone asking me that question rude but it would always make me really sad and uncomfortable... After years you just don't know how to answer anymore.

So really it's better not to ask especially since you would be doing it only for a "convo filler or something" and potentially hurt someone.

charmedlifex3 · March 2016

I think in part it's in the phrasing:

"Are you planning on more kids?" is a very different question that "WHEN are you going to have more kids?"

I know for me, the first question is something I wouldn't mind as much as the assumption in the second. I'd find the fact that you are assuming I can, and will, its only a matter of when, a bit rude. (But not so much I would feel more than a moment of annoyance.) My husband wants three, but my health left a big question mark if we could even have one. Another might not be in the picture.

The first I can easily answer "Oh we haven't decided yet!" or "We'd love to, we'll see what happens." When I am left scrambling for an answer like "Well... we might not? I guess in a couple years if we can...?"

Also I agree, asking this of a near stranger is different than a good friend!

Curls919 · March 2016

If you're close and know most details about their life then it's ok to ask. But otherwise i wouldn't. The week before I got my bfp I was with a friend who has a son that she needed ivf to conceive after a long battle with if. Someone we know but aren't close to asked the two of us if/when we're having more kids. She gave a very curt response about sticking with her one (though I know it was a rough decision not to go through the whole process again for a second) and i just said "hopefully at some point" because I didn't want to share that we were trying.

I am guilty of asking this question and it wasn't until I got pregnant with DS and was on these boards that I realized how people with infertility issues react to this. Plus I know people who are one and done and get stabby when people make comments about them having another. You never know someone's situation so I would steer clear of asking.

Pepper6 · March 2016

Depends on the relationship with the couple, but also how well you accept their answer. I had friends & family ask about kids and I never minded the question, but I had a few people who weren't satisfied with our answer. Mostly when we first got married and we said we'd planned to wait a few years before having kids and (family mostly) would try to convince us to have kids sooner. Like, no dude, I'm not going to have kids to suit your idea of what works.

ramoseecology · March 2016

I always really enjoyed that I wasn't asked this question much and never by family. I find being asked uncomfortable. If I wanted to share with you I would do so on my own or make it clear when I talked about future long term plans. Instead since I didn't want to say I was forced to lie or be vague and it was sad after my loss.

amccul20 · March 2016

I just refrain from asking people because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings.

Snaps816 · March 2016

I think "rude" might be the wrong word, but can certainly be insensitive/clueless. Unfortunately, I think it's one of those things that you don't get clued into until you or someone close to you struggles to conceive, suffers a loss, or finds out they're unable to conceive. Also I agree with PP that it depends on the phrasing. I think "do you think you want kids/another kid one day?" is pretty innocent, but "why don't you have one" or "when are you going to have another one" puts pressure on the person answering to explain or defend their situation.

Fremdschamen · March 2016

It's a dangerous question to ask unless you are pretty close with the person. After my loss, the question alone brought me to tears. I cried at the dentist, after a phone call with an IT guy at work, when our custodian asked, etc. I avoid it unless I am with a relatively good friend with whom I've discussed pregnancy in detail before.

bananers · March 2016

ThisisNumber3 said:

Yes, its better not to ask. We got asked several times when we were going to give LO1 a sibling when we actually were struggling with 2 losses and long months of trying to get pregnant. It was very sad and hard to have to respond that I wanted more than anything to have more kids but we weren't sure if/when we were going to be able to.

This. I would have loved to have kids 2 years apart. Instead they will be 3.5. I'm sad because they may not be very close until they are much older.

I don't think it's necessarily rude, as it could be a sore subject. And there's a difference between casually asking and saying "why doesn't Tommy have a brother or sister yet? He needs a playmate!"

whitney812 · March 2016

Thanks for the feedback everyone! Helpful to hear different POV's. Have a good evening!

riveridgional · March 2016

I agree that I'm not sure "rude" is the right word, but I would say in general it's how you phrase the question. Although, when you are in the midst of infertility and certain parts of the journey (just found out you got a BFN, just found out a diagnosis that removed treatment options, just found out about a chemical pg or a miscarriage), any phrasing of the question may be hurtful. But, I don't personally feel like I would be offended if any asked me if I wanted more than one.

Re: not asking strangers versus someone you are closer to, I wouldnt recommend asking "when" someone is having or planning on having a second (or first) to anyone. Many women with infertility struggle in silence and don't feel comfortable opening up to even their closest family or best friends. Comments from those closest to you can actually hurt more than from strangers as it does make it feel like that person is one less person you can speak to about the process when you are ready to open up about it.

ashleymz · March 2016

I wouldn't say it's "rude" but... we struggled with MAJOR infertility... we had no idea until trying for our second. They said we would never be able to conceive, we were even declined ivf. We tried foabout 2 years for our second and I had countless uncomfortable conversations around it...

So when people ask it didn't bug me, a "Yes were planning on another" was fine... but it was the follow up: you better hurry they'll be far apart, etc, that would prompt me to explain fertility issues I didn't really want to discuss... If I didn't explain, the conversation just would NOT stop.

The same happened when I announced my 2nd pregnancy... "so when are you trying for a girl?"

It's like never ending and it's starting to piss me off. I wish when people ask if you are trying they just leave it at that... The question itself doesn't bother me at all, it's the barrage of follow up and prying that bothers me. Close friends and most people I am SO open with, but it's all the random commentary and excessive questions and fertility (advice, stories, wives tales) from people I don't really know that gets annoying.

SkiChic626 · March 2016

I think it depends on how it's asked. I wouldn't think twice about asking "Do you want kids?" vs "When are you having kids?" And similarly "Do you want or plan on having more kids?" vs "When are you having more?" or "When are you going to try for that boy/girl?" We struggled with infertility, went through IVF, the whole 9....and if someone asks me that I'm not offended. Even before we had DD, while it stung a little because we wanted it and weren't getting it as easily as everyone around us, I never considered it to be a rude question. Honestly, for me, it was much more hurtful when people would announce pregnancies than if people asked if we were planning to have kids, especially when it was someone who knew about our infertility who would just blurt out "oh, so-and-so is pregnant....yaaaay!" and I just couldn't conjure up the "yaaaay" response.

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