I need to tell my mom she can't be alone with the baby. Advice? Anyone in the same boat?

1faceinacrowd · January 2016

I'm due in less than 7 months and I think it's time for me to tell my mom that I won't be letting her watch the baby by herself once he/she is born. I'm really nervous, because I know she'll take it personally and be all pissed off at me for a while, but at the end of the day, my baby is my biggest concern. I'm hoping to get insight, advice, or camaraderie from anyone in a similar boat.
Here's a bit of back story:
My mom is morbidly obese - weighing in at over 400 pounds if I had to guess - and is very lazy. My step-dad is a dual amputee as of last year due to medical conditions and my biological dad is his live-in caregiver (weird, I know), though he's pretty much caring for my mom too (i.e. house chores, shopping, picking things up off the floor for her, anything that requires moving). My mom has always been lazy, having my step-dad do pretty much everything for her over the years, but she is in COMPLETE denial. We got into a big fight when I was pregnant with my first daughter (now almost 5) because I told her that I wish she'd work on getting healthier and that I was worried she wouldn't be able to bend down and pick up my daughter (I was very sensitive about my approach and tried to convey my concern and literally the ONLY thing she took from what I said was that I "called her fat"...though I never even used that word). I eventually caved and let her spend time alone with my daughter, but only because I knew my step-dad (who was healthy at the time) would be around to do the bending/lifting.

This time around, my step-dad won't be able to help, and my dad already has his hands tied taking care of both him AND my mom. I know I need to talk to her sooner than later so we're not fighting about it after baby is born (and in the back of my mind, I hope she'll make changes in the next 7 months, though I'm sure it won't happen), but I'm very anti-drama and anti-conflict so I'm extremely nervous. She likes to play the victim and I KNOW she won't take it well. Has anyone else gone through this, or anything similar, with a family member? Any suggestions on how to approach her health in a gentle way?

mouse1029 · January 2016

Say nothing now. This may be a non issue because in the beginning you're with baby 24/7 and then it will only be when you need a babysitter that this should be an issue. Just say you have it covered. Bringing it up its just going to cause an issue that right now is non existant.

PhoebeJune1984 · January 2016

I agree on the "Say nothing now" approach. My SIL, I don't trust with a ten foot pole. In the end, I have never had to tell her that she isn't allowed to watch DD, because I just make it a non-issue. First, it was because DD was with me all of the time as an infant. Second, because I already had care lined up. Third, because I never discuss the fact that we are going to do something and DD will be with so-and-so. My DD is four now, and I have yet to have to say "I am sorry, but I don't trust you" or anything else to SIL. And if there ever is a time that she calls us out on it, I am just going to flat out say that Babysitter is wanting hours because she is trying to save for X,Y,Z....which we would like for her to be able to save for. Its pretty rare we use a babysitter though, because we usually use other family members. And like I said, we never mention that someone else is going to be watching DD, because then that gives her a chance to say "Oh, you guys are going to the movies? Can I watch DD?" If she finds out after the fact, by word of mouth, that we went out and DD was with someone else.....then whatever. By then, we have already been out, and already had care lined up.....whats done is done.

I don't think that you should bring up your mom's health to her. If you have already done so, she knows that it is an issue, and she would rather deny it than accept it and make changes. I am sure her feelings were hurt (who's wouldn't be hurt when someone you love is pointing out one of your faults?!), but if she cannot take care of herself, how can she take care of an infant? What if there is an emergency and she cannot pick up baby?

imakeeff0rts · January 2016

I would highly recommend wri Ryu ng down what you want to say and either sending an email, or going to see her and say what you have to say - but don't deviate from what you've written until you're done reading. That way, you've thought about what you want to say, you've had a chance to tweak it, and to be as sensitive as possible.
Not the same, but my grandparents used to smoke. My mom had a lot of problems conceiving me, so when she found out she was pregnant, she told them flat out "quit smoking, or you won't see your grandchildren". They both quit cold turkey, and didn't have one cigarette from that day until they died.

Your concerns are valid, I would be concerned, too. I also recommend not letting her spend any time alone with your daughter anymore, even though she has in the past. If you're going to lay down some rules, you HAVE to enforce them.
Good luck, OP.

flowerpower5838 · January 2016

I'm of the same opinion as the PPs. Until it comes up for some reason, there doesn't really seem to be a need to bring this up. I'm sure she is well aware that she won't be able to care for a newborn/infant even if she won't admit it to your face.

Does for DD currently spend a lot of unsupervised time with your mom? That would be the only concern of mine. If you're letting DD spend time there, she may assume the same will happen with the new LO and your bio dad would just do what they can't? If that were the case, I'd probably start cutting back on DD spending time alone over there.

MamaBish · January 2016

I don't think you should say anything until you have to.

cmerribury · January 2016

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm in a slightly similar situation with my Dad. He's an alcoholic (we aren't allowed to talk about it, but everyone knows...it's like the elephant in the room). Anyway, I won't let him be alone with my son, and I certainly won't with the new baby when he gets here (my son, at least, could call 911 in an emergency).

I'm leaving it alone for now, but making sure that my husband and I are on the same page. That way, if/when it does come up, we'll have an answer prepared. The reality is that you may eventually have to have the conversation, but waiting until you need to is perfectly fine.

1faceinacrowd · January 2016

Thank you everyone for your advice.

My mom and step-dad have always been my 'go-to' sitters for my DD, because up until last year, my step-dad was able to do the difficult stuff when she was smaller. Now that my daughter is almost 5, I do let her stay at their house every once in a while (only if my mom asks - I don't ever seek out a sitter for her) but she is very independent and can dress herself, brush her teeth, feed herself, and dial 911 in case of emergency. Obviously, the new baby is quite a while away from that point. My DH's mom is awesome and will probably be our go-to if we need a sitter, but I KNOW my mom's feelings will be hurt if she finds out that we're always asking his mom and not her, and I talk to my mom daily so I'd have to lie to her if I wanted to keep my plans to go out from her.

I think I will just wait to say anything. I know it'll eventually come up, because my mom will be asking me to come visit her with the baby (and I'd rather have her come visit us, which she will undoubtedly have an excuse not to).

PrimRoseMama · January 2016

I'm honestly & genuinely confused about how being fat (even morbidly so as you describe) could cause care giving issues?

With a NB you get an elevated bassinet or something (pack n play makes an attachment) so there is minimal bending. If she wants to hold the kid she can do so while seated. In my experience you can be fairly mobility compromised & still care for an infant.

What about moms in wheel chairs or other disabilities? They take care of their infants well. If you have issues with her weight management & life style that is a separate issue, to be frank.

I wouldn't use your kid as a vehicle for making yet another statement about your mom's weight. Odds are she knows perfectly well how you feel.

If she asks just say that you've got child care covered, but you would be happy to bring baby over to play with her anytime.

imakeeff0rts · January 2016

I disagree with Prim on this one - if she can't/won't care for herself (and let's face it - OP'S dad wouldn't need to be her caregiver if she can/would do basic things for herself), how exactly is she going to care for an infant?
A 5 year old I can see, if the 5 year old does all of the things OP said, but not an infant.
I completely see where she's coming from, and I wouldn't want her to be alone with my infant either.

That said, there are plenty of other "fat" people that do for themselves and this wouldn't be an issue. The fact that she chooses not to do for herself is the issue (not even talking about health here, talking about the "pretty much everything" that OP mentioned). Sorrynotsorry, but if I can't trust someone to do basic things for themselves, I'm not going to trust them with an infant, who can literally do nothing for him or herself.

Edited to fix typos.

PrimRoseMama · January 2016

I am just saying shaming, scolding & outright denying her access to her grandchildren because you want to strong arm her into "taking care of herself" is not really going to work. It's also kind of shitty.

Kay6519 · January 2016

My parents / family will not be allowed to be alone with our children either but for completely different reasons. My family has a history of mental illness and all the males on my dad's side sexually abused the females in the family along with several foster girls who were mentally disabled. If my family ever sees my children, it will be at a totally neutral location (public setting like a restaurant, etc.) and it will be under mine and DH's supervision. We do not plan to broach the subject with them. If it comes up at a later date, we will advise them of the reason why they will never be alone or allowed to watch our kids.

PrimRoseMama · January 2016

Um, just so we are clear-- being obese & having trouble with mobility is not even in the same zip code as sexual abuse. I know it wasn't said as such, but the line of thought is out there.

I really disagree that an overweight person is somehow a danger to an infant. An emergency can happen to even an able-bodied person. I get a little unnerved/uncomfortable when folks start judging who is or is not capable of looking after a baby that is not mobile & sleeps most of the time. The NB part is the easy part.

I'm not 400 lbs but I do have family members that harp on me for being slightly overweight. It's the reason for everything (in this person's mind) and it has been openly said that my parenting might be better if I were not fat. That's a load of horse shit in my estimation.

So, if your mother is able (not choosing to do things is separate but I would think an infant is proper motivation if that's the case) to lift, hold & feed the kid-- I would think that a short baby sitting session would be ok. It's up to You but it sounds pretty petty & mean to take her weight issues & say that this is the reason she would not be a fit caregiver.

I don't believe she physically could not lift an infant, nor do I believe she would not properly care for an infant. Just because she is fat doesn't mean she's incompetent. I think the assumption that the baby would be in danger just because your mom has mobility issues due to obesity is reasonable.

My own mother has MS and doesn't feel comfortable having the kids all by herself. I didn't say this to her but she told me she couldn't & didn't want to have to refuse for safety reasons. Her disability is unpredictable. Your mom might move slowly but she's still functional. It's sad to me that you would try to make this an issue.

0SeaMonkey0 · January 2016

I didn't read all the comments but I'm glad I'm not the only one who tends to think that this conversation might not actually need to happen? I don't think you necessarily need to sit her down and say "you can't watch my baby because of your health", just don't ask her to babysit and politely refuse if she offers. I tend to think she'll get the hint if you say no a few times. If she confronts you, you can have an honest conversation then.

tripledaggerWed95976 · January 2016

In my opinion, The first trimester seems really early to start worrying about who is going to watch the baby. I would take things one at a time and focus on things in the much nearer future such as hitting your pregnancy milestones (any first tri screening, anatomy scan, 24 week viability, etc etc).
Not saying it's not good to THINK about the future... but, having a potentially hurtful convo such as this with your mom seems very premature.
I also agree that it seems like you are using the birth of this child as somewhat of a platform to hash out problems that you have with your mothers weight. I could be totally wrong, especially since I cannot read tone in text... But that is how it read to me.

virginiaham · January 2016

***lurking from TTGP***

OP, I'm chiming in only because I've seen this almost play out in my family. That conversation, this early on, may unfairly rob her of the joy of anticipating her grandbaby for the next seven months, whatever your intention is.

***back to lurking***

Snaps816 · January 2016

virginiaham said:

***lurking from TTGP*** OP, I'm chiming in only because I've seen this almost play out in my family. That conversation, this early on, may unfairly rob her of the joy of anticipating her grandbaby for the next seven months, whatever your intention is. ***back to lurking***

I think this person hit the nail on the head. You're well within your rights not to leave your baby in a place where you don't feel she'll be looked after, but there's no need to make it a big "thing" in the family if you don't have to.

MrsAlT68 · January 2016

Without getting involved in the morality discussion going on here, I also agree that the conversation doesn't need to happen so early. Also, anyone else you may have watching your child, would they be going to your house? My MIL won't be allowed to watch our child, but she doesn't have a vehicle so if it ever comes up my only reasoning I would give is that we have someone come to our house, which she can't and it doesn't make sense for us to drive the 30 min to her house to drop the baby off, 30 min back for whatever were doing then 30 min there and back again to pick the baby up. Also, if your going over there enough for visits do you think she will even mind that she's not seeing the baby alone, cause she's still seeing the baby?

PugsandKisses · January 2016

Isn't this the 'why chart if your having sex every day any way' and '2500 Sq Foot house' chick?

If it is, that explains a lot.

fourtsixand2 · January 2016

I also agree the conversation doesn't seem necessary.

Your mother might be "lazy" but she did raise you and being obese isn't a reason to deny her special time with her grandchild. "Not taking care of herself" doesn't mean she could properly care for a child.
Is she depressed? Is there a reason she is the way she is?
There could be a deeper reason other than just "being lazy". I'd never deny my mother the gift of their grandchild just because of a physical ailment.

I think the appropriate attitude should be to approach the situation if/when it becomes an issue, rather than foreseeing it to be so.

FinePlacentaPie · January 2016

The word "fat" makes me SO uncomfortable.

That's my only contribution.

samantha1206 · January 2016

My mom is an alcoholic and has some other issues that make me uncomfortable leaving my kids with her. In the last five years, she has never been alone with my kids, because I never know what frame of mind she will be in. I have never openly told her that she couldn't be alone with them. I always politely turn down her offers and say we've made other arrangements -- which is typically true. When she says "You have to bring the kids over to stay for the day one day" I'll always just say, "Yeah maybe we can plan that one day."
She's eventually gotten the message.

1faceinacrowd · January 2016

I agree with those of you who said this is too early to bring it up. Like I said before, I'll wait.

For those of you saying I'm being mean, or unreasonable, or that fat/obese people can care for infants too - I'm not disagreeing with you that obesity is no reason to keep my mom from watching my child. My mom is not just obese. Example: A few weeks ago, I literally listened to her call my dad into the kitchen from a different floor in the house to ask him to pick up a potato chip she had dropped on the floor. I am not exaggerating when I say he does absolutelyeverything for her. Also, anytime I'm at her house and the phone rings, she asks me to get it, even though it's literally 3 feet in front of her on the couch and I'm on the other side of the room, or in a different room entirely. My concern is that if she can't pick up a potato chip off the flippin' floor, how's she going to pick up a baby? And I'm not even necessarily talking about when the baby is a newborn because as one of you pointed out, that stage is "easy" (with regard to lifting and care). I'm more worried about when baby is 9 months old and crawling all over (did I mention her house is COVERED in pee stains because anytime my step-dad has been in the hospital over the last couple of years, she neglected to take the dogs outside?). I cannot imagine her being capable of chasing/lifting a crawling baby. It has been years since she's even done simple housework.

I hope you guys know I'm not fat-shaming. I know that A LOT of women who are overweight/obese are wonderful, nurturing, caring mothers. My mom is just not one of them. I don't mean to be mean to her or sound harsh, but when she met my stepdad when I was 7 years old, she started getting lazy, and then lazier, and then...here we are. My step-dad took care of me and my little brother while my mom sat back and yelled at me from the living room couch because she had a really bad day and felt like putting someone down, but didn't have the motivation to actually get up and say anything to my face. Is she depressed? Absolutely! Does she hate her body and how it impacts her life? I can't imagine that she doesn't, though she won't admit it. Has she done ANYTHING to fix her depression, her body, her attitude, or her life? No, not ever, at least not during my lifetime. Her coping mechanism is to put other people down, and that's literally the only thing she does to make herself feel better.

Sorry for the long rant, but I wanted to make sure that you all understand that I'm not fat-shaming or being unreasonably mean to my mom, nor am I threatening to keep my child from her (I never said I'd keep her away entirely, just that I'm not comfortable with her watching my child alone, which I KNOW she'll ask to do at some point).

alynne1113 · January 2016

Why would you bring this up SEVEN MONTHS before the baby is even here? just don't ask her to babysit and be around her when you bring baby to visit. Doesn't seem very hard..

PrimRoseMama · January 2016

If you feel that her home is unsanitary and she doesn't take care of herself-- that's a whole separate kettle of fish. It sounds like you have a lot of baggage that is unpacked when your mom comes into the picture and so I think its best if you just keep it simple, "we've got childcare secured, but we both can come over to play during the weekends!". If she asks you why you can say that you worked out the arrangement months in advance and that you'd rather go with it.

At some point she's going to ask you exactly why you won't allow this and you will have to probably have a come to Jesus with her about your feelings. That will be hard for both of you.

coopermt · March 2016

I got to test drive this with my dear mother before even getting pregnant. She was an abusive alcoholic during my childhood. I let her watch my dog for an evening and came back to stories about what she beat him with for hiding from her behind the TV and pooping. Without an excessively lengthy story, I gave her a chance and she failed. Before leaving the kiddos alone with your family, have her/them come over to watch the tiny humans while you "nap". Think of it as a working interview. She may surprise you. If not, the point is objectively made without any danger to the kids.

Glow360 · March 2016

she's a danger and unable to care for herself, let alone a baby. I would tell her when the time comes, but not right now.

fourtsixand2 · March 2016

This is a 2 month old thread.....

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