STM+ Moms - Introducing new baby to toddler

silvers626 · March 2016

My DS will be 3 years and 3 months when baby arrives. He is so excited to have a baby in the house but I know he really doesn't fully understand how it's going to change the dynamics of the house and that he won't be the sole centre of attention anymore. So I'm curious how other STM moms are planning to manage the transition with their first and what advice third time + moms can offer.

benten24 · March 2016

FTM here so I don't have much advice, sorry. The one thing that I have heard is to have a present for the older sibling at the hospital and tell them it's from the baby when big brother comes to visit for the first time. I've read about it making the older sibling feel like they're still part of the picture from the get-go and helps to decrease some tension. GL!

nopegoat · March 2016

We really talked up their new role as a big brother and all the big boy things they were going to be able to do. We also had our boys help us do little things with the baby whether it be grab a toy or blanket, or throw a diaper away, or even play/sing/talk to the baby to make him stop crying. When the baby was asleep I made sure to spend at least a few minutes of one on one time with him.

Also when my second was born I put together a small basket just for him for when I was busy nursing. It had some special markers (ones that only worked on special paper), special coloring books, and other stuff that could keep him entertained when I was occupied. I didn't need to do it when my third was born because my second had my oldest to play with.

H also played a crucial role. He took the older ones out for special fun stuff while I stayed home with the baby.

stephweinstein · March 2016

I'm in the very same boat - Here's some take it or leave it advice I have received from my friends.

1. Have the baby buy the toddler a present and have the toddler buy the baby a present. The toddler will feel special to be able to give baby their 'first present' and toddler will feel special to receive a special big brother/big sister present.

2. Don't say "Mommy's having a baby." Instead, say "we're having a baby" or "So-and-so is getting a little brother/sister." This change in emphasis can reduce the toddler from feeling alienated and like they're being replaced.

3. When toddler comes to visit mom and baby in the hospital, do not be holding the baby when they walk in. Make sure to be able to greet the older child and the two of you can go over to the baby's bassinet to introduce the baby. My friend said this helped tremendously with feelings of "get that baby away from my mommy."

4. The basket of special toys for nursing time is a great idea.

5. Ask toddler to help you decorate baby's nursery or pick baby's coming home outfit or special blanket. This will make toddler feel connected to the care of the baby.

That's all I got. Hope it helps you/me some! And h&h 9 mos to you.

whataboutscience · March 2016

Great advice. DD will be not quite 2 and I had t thought too much about it. I am worried about the hospital stay because she's never had a night or whole day away from us.

rnyland1 · March 2016

I'm not doing the whole "the baby got you a present!" thing but I did get my son a baby boy doll, toy stroller, etc., so he can play pretend and "mirror me" with his baby. Maybe I will get one of the more realistic dolls for him to play with as well? My son is only 2 1/2 right now so while I have explained to him that there is another baby coming and he's going to be a big brother, I don't think he totally understands yet, although he has been around other newborns before. In fact, a lot of the time when he's getting trouble he says "I'm a baby!" which kind of insinuates that because he's a "baby," the rules don't apply to him... but news flash, he's not going to be THE baby anymore! I think the most important part of managing the transition effectively is still having you and/or your husband spend time with you toddler and show him lots of affection when you can. It will not only take time for your toddler to adjust to having a new sibling, but it will take time for you to adjust to having a second child to take care of as well!

whataboutscience · March 2016

We have been talking to DD a lot about being a big girl and helped, which she's pretty excited about. When family member's call her the baby, I correct them in front of her and say she's a big girl. (She's 1.5). :-)

jenkeale · March 2016

We read a book to DD called "I'm a Big Sister". It's for toddlers and tells her how she will help with baby and love baby. She loves it and we read it several times a day. I know she still doesn't understand (she's 18mos) but I think her knowing the book so well will help me remind her of certain things.

There was a similar thread awhile back and I know some mamas had other book recommendations that they thought were helpful.

silvers626 · March 2016

Thanks for the advice ladies! I might take a look at the store for a book or two for DS. Did I miss a previous thread in my search? Can someone link to it? I didn't find anything when I searched but maybe my criteria were too specific.

We we have a nephew who will be 1 in August. DS has been absolutely in love with him from day one and loves to help when he's around by getting diapers or getting him his drink, etc so I think he will mostly be pretty good. It's so hard to imagine how your relationship will change and evolve with the first once #2 comes. He is so much the focal point of our lives and I definitely don't want him to ever feel like he is loved any less because of a new baby.

jenkeale · March 2016

I'm sorry I couldn't link it! It's just called "siblings" and when I searched it, it was on maybe the third page? It would have been hard to find if I didn't know exactly which thread I was looking for because siblings have been mentioned a lot around here.

jwittwer · March 2016

stephweinstein said:

I'm in the very same boat - Here's some take it or leave it advice I have received from my friends.
1. Have the baby buy the toddler a present and have the toddler buy the baby a present. The toddler will feel special to be able to give baby their 'first present' and toddler will feel special to receive a special big brother/big sister present.
2. Don't say "Mommy's having a baby." Instead, say "we're having a baby" or "So-and-so is getting a little brother/sister." This change in emphasis can reduce the toddler from feeling alienated and like they're being replaced.
3. When toddler comes to visit mom and baby in the hospital, do not be holding the baby when they walk in. Make sure to be able to greet the older child and the two of you can go over to the baby's bassinet to introduce the baby. My friend said this helped tremendously with feelings of "get that baby away from my mommy."
4. The basket of special toys for nursing time is a great idea.
5. Ask toddler to help you decorate baby's nursery or pick baby's coming home outfit or special blanket. This will make toddler feel connected to the care of the baby.
That's all I got. Hope it helps you/me some! And h&h 9 mos to you.

Thank you for this, @stephweinstein ! This is, by far, the best/most condensed list I've seen on the subject and I greatly appreciate the info provided. I can't wait to take DD to shop for something for the baby

and also to give DD something from the baby.

lolomommy1 · March 2016

My son was 23 months when my daughter was born.

Definitely the present at the hospital from his new sibling, that apparently made a big impact on him because he still remembers that moment 4 years later. hahah

I got a lot of books about being a "new big brother" and totally played his role as a big brother up.

Reserving alone time with them when the newborn is asleep is important.

It will all click.

silvers626 · March 2016

Thank you everyone for your advice! This has given me some really helpful ideas.

mnkenned · March 2016

rnyland1 said:

I'm not doing the whole "the baby got you a present!" thing but I did get my son a baby boy doll, toy stroller, etc., so he can play pretend and "mirror me" with his baby. Maybe I will get one of the more realistic dolls for him to play with as well? My son is only 2 1/2 right now so while I have explained to him that there is another baby coming and he's going to be a big brother, I don't think he totally understands yet, although he has been around other newborns before. In fact, a lot of the time when he's getting trouble he says "I'm a baby!" which kind of insinuates that because he's a "baby," the rules don't apply to him... but news flash, he's not going to be THE baby anymore! I think the most important part of managing the transition effectively is still having you and/or your husband spend time with you toddler and show him lots of affection when you can. It will not only take time for your toddler to adjust to having a new sibling, but it will take time for you to adjust to having a second child to take care of as well!

My mom did this with me and apparently I shoved the doll in the mailbox

rnyland1 · March 2016

mnkenned said:

rnyland1 said:

I'm not doing the whole "the baby got you a present!" thing but I did get my son a baby boy doll, toy stroller, etc., so he can play pretend and "mirror me" with his baby. Maybe I will get one of the more realistic dolls for him to play with as well? My son is only 2 1/2 right now so while I have explained to him that there is another baby coming and he's going to be a big brother, I don't think he totally understands yet, although he has been around other newborns before. In fact, a lot of the time when he's getting trouble he says "I'm a baby!" which kind of insinuates that because he's a "baby," the rules don't apply to him... but news flash, he's not going to be THE baby anymore! I think the most important part of managing the transition effectively is still having you and/or your husband spend time with you toddler and show him lots of affection when you can. It will not only take time for your toddler to adjust to having a new sibling, but it will take time for you to adjust to having a second child to take care of as well!

My mom did this with me and apparently I shoved the doll in the mailbox

My son loves his baby doll and loves pushing him around in his toy stroller. He got it for Christmas. Not all kids will love a similar toy equally... Worth a shot though, since I think you can buy a baby doll for around $10.

holly142 · March 2016

I was 8 when my sister was born. One of my dad's coworkers gave me a stuffed animal and it really was special to me because my sister got so many gifts and I thought it was awesome someone got me one too! So, I love the idea of getting DD a gift from baby.

I plan on baby wearing lots and I really want to get my daughter a toddler Boba so she can carry her dolls too. DH thinks it is silly, but DD LOVES her dolls so I think she would like it

DD's been loving Karen Katz's book, "Now I'm Big!" It is about becoming a big sister. We got it at the library.

PhoebeJune1984 · March 2016

I think it really depends on the age/personality of your first child. I know many of my friends had their kids close in age and bought every book, did all of the suggestions, and their kid still lost their mind when the baby actually arrived. Or they kept pushing info about the baby onto the first child (to keep them involved), when the first child really showed no interest and acted like nothing changed after the baby was born. My DD is four, so she is old enough to help out with some of the stuff. We bought her a few big sister books, but after reading them once, she really didn't care about them. Do to her personality, we know there aren't going to be any issues, and its not going to be such a big deal when we bring the baby home. But she does like helping put together baby gear, she picked out a blanket for the baby (to be the baby's special blanket), she has picked out a couple of outfits, and she picked out a stuffed animal to bring to the hospital when she meets baby. Most likely, we aren't going to get her anything from the baby, but we may give her something from us (mom and dad), to welcome her into big sisterhood (maybe a necklace or something). Other than that, I just answer her questions about what is going to happen the day of L&D, or care of the baby, etc. However, that will work for her, as she is still going to have the same rules/expectations she has had for the past 3+ years, she has a pretty laid back personality, and she does well with change.

quartz02 · March 2016

I'm the cold-hearted mom that won't be buying gifts for DD. We already have enough crap in the house. We've checked out some books from the library and I like the suggestion of having her help pick out the baby's outfit. I think I'll stick to that, though. DD will turn 4 years old two months after DD#2 is born. We've had discussions about her helping fetch me diapers, etc. She has a new cousin and we've been practicing being quiet for him when he's over and napping (need to work on that! LOL).

Dubs1978 · March 2016

On a related note - has anyone noticed change in behavior in their toddlers? My DD is coming up on 3 and has been slowly developing separation anxiety from me. She wants me to do everything with/for her and for the first time ever, cried today at drop off. I am trying to figure out if it is from the talk of the new baby or is just a standard toddler phase.

PhoebeJune1984 · March 2016

Dubs1978 said:

On a related note - has anyone noticed change in behavior in their toddlers? My DD is coming up on 3 and has been slowly developing separation anxiety from me. She wants me to do everything with/for her and for the first time ever, cried today at drop off. I am trying to figure out if it is from the talk of the new baby or is just a standard toddler phase.

Mine went through a phase like that around the age of three. I think it lasted a couple of months.

quartz02 · March 2016

@Dubs1978 I think it's just normal behavior. DD's new saying is, "mama! I wannnnnt youuuu!" generally after I've put her to bed. I know a little girl in her class says this so I think she's just mimicking her and trying to delay bedtime. For the past few months, when I pick her up from school, if any kids approach me there's a "that's MY mama!" comment. I think/hope it's all normal toddler stuff.

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