Did she seriously just ask me that? TW-pregnancy mentioned

queenklau · March 2016

Hi all, sorry I haven't posted much in a while. I have been lurking a little but haven't been on much, trying to cut down on all social media. I see many new "faces". Welcome all, sorry for your losses. Praying that all of us move from this board soon.

Anyways, I had a situation this past Saturday that brought back crazy emotions and wanted to share it with women that may understand.

My husband invited his ex-coworker and wife to dinner, I hadn't seen them in over a year. Last time we had dinner, I had just gotten over my first loss and about to find out about my BFP (for my second loss). They already had a DD and kept asking me when I would have another (they knew about my loss) and I only said we were trying. She said that they just wanted one, so they were done. Fast forward to Saturday, they show up and she is like 6 months pregnant! When I saw her I couldn't breath for a few seconds. I didn't know what to do, I wanted to run away! A few minutes and a margarita order later, I was calm and trying to make conversation. She went and started asking me "no babies yet?", I said again that were trying, "how far along were you last time", 10 weeks... " what did they do, they give you a pill or something". Are you fing kidding me?! Did a pregnant woman, who is aware of my struggle, just asked me that over dinner conversation?! I wanted to punch her in the face and then run away. With the biggest effort and poker face, I told her that I would rather not talk about it. The rest of the dinner I tried so hard to be normal, and succeeded. Later they went on to tell me that their healthy baby boy was "a mistake" and kept joking about how the husband (who is like 25) needs to get a vasectomy after this...also during conversation, I found out that my husbands other coworker's wife just found out she is pregnant.
Finally we got to the car and I broke down. This was a feeling I had not felt before. The sadness felt so heavy. I felt like a freak, everyone is able to, except for me. I don't deserve it, it's so easy for others and they make you feel even worse by not noticing their blessings.
Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.

MooFish2364 · March 2016

Ugh! That's awful! Luckily I haven't really had anyone say anything like that to me directly (we didn't even tell anyone that we were pregnant so no one really a knows anyways). But it is hard seeing close friends and family get pregnant like it's going out of style. We have a close friend of the family how parties all of the time, drinking and recreational drug use. She got pregnant after dating a guy for a few months and then got married. This year at Christmas she was telling us that her DH wanted to have more babies right away and that she didn't. Sure enough, a week after my m/c she announced that she's pregnant.

It it sucks because I know she doesn't really want to have babies...she's just trying to appease her DH because he pays all of her bills. Did I mention that she's a gold digger?! Oh yeah...she also told us at Christmas that her DH isn't really her type, etc.

it sucks because I did everything that I could to have a healthy pregnancy and had a m/c and she drinks and used drugs and gets pregnant no problem and has healthy babies that she doesn't really even want.

Im sorry for your loss and that you had such a tough weekend.

BornReady · March 2016

I'm so sorry, people can have no clue sometimes and it sucks. The sadness is heavy, such a great description. I've been there, take care of yourself.

silentP · March 2016

Wow, what an insensitive twat. I'm so sorry you were caught off guard about her pregnancy and that she then made it 1,000 times worse. Not to mention her dopey husband rubbing salt in the wound. I am shocked people like this exist, but we all know all too well that they do.

I hope you're feeling somewhat better this morning. Thinking of you!

AL_TwinCities · March 2016

I'm so sorry! I can't believe an acquaintance would ask that??

chloe97 · March 2016

I'm so so sorry! I can relate. We got cornered this weekend at a rehearsal dinner by a couple our age who have a 1 year old. After hearing about our wedding, she began to interrogate us about when we were going to start trying and the started the good old humble brag about how hard it is to have a baby. I want to punch those people in the face. I would do anything in the world to have their hard lives!!

It is weird how nosey random acquaintances can be. Its like people are missing part of their brains that regulate tact.

BornReady · March 2016

@chloe97 Ugh, people suck. My sister in law did that to me once. I had been trying for a year and we were all packing up their kids to go to the beach. She goes, "Be glad you don't have kids, you're a smart woman, it's too much work". I cried, a lot.

queenklau · March 2016

Thank you so much ladies.

yes, @MooFish2364 "getting pregnant like it's going out of style"-so true! Thanks for making me laugh.

@bornready, @silentP @AL_TwinCities thanks for the love, don't know what I would do without you ladies. I didn't know who to talk to about this. My bff who was also struggling with fertility just found out she is pg. I am over the moon for her but don't have my buddy anymore.

@chloe97, it blows my mind how people ask these personal questions and also assume that after marriage pregnancy is the obvious next step, without thinking about what the implications of each couple are.

@BornReady, again (hurtful) assumptions-so annoying!

roper2617 · March 2016

Urg I can't believe the insensitivity of others sometimes! It's so hard to remain calm and collected in those situations, but it sounds like you handled it well. I would've wanted to throw my drink in her face. So sorry you had to deal with that!

GhanimaAtreides · March 2016

Duuude, sounds like you two aren't even that close. Even if you were, that is piss poor etiquette not discussing it 1 on 1, in private, and certainly not over a freaking dinner table. There's something wrong with her. I'm sorry you had to deal with that!

megsbrock · March 2016

Wow!! I wish I could say "I can't believe they acted like that" but it is such a sad frustrating reality how ignorant so many people are. So unaware of their blessings. Ugh. If anything having lost my little angels I have learned what an amazing blessing having a healthy baby will be. They will never have that perspective.

Sounds like you handled it beautifully!!!

cheverian87 · March 2016

So so sorry you had to go through that!! And the same goes for you other ladies who have had insensitive things said to you. I find it always seems to be those who never actually had to try for a baby say the most insensitive things! I always been mindful not to say those things.
My older sister hasn't been so lucky been trying for 7 years now and will soon be doing their third ivf, so from her experiences I always try to be sensitive when talking abbout having children. You just don't know everyone's stories!
Even though we conceived our son so easily, I always made sure I never "bragged" about it. This second baby has really opened my eyes on how hard it can be ttc, it has taken quiet the emotional toll on myself.

ThePax89 · March 2016

That turd. End of story.

penelope4612 · March 2016

I'm so sorry. That was so insensitive and awful. Hugs.

Kay6519 · March 2016

I'm sorry. That is so assholic of her. Creepy internet hugs!

queenklau · March 2016

Thanks all for the kind messages. I feel a lot better today.

dpjennifer · March 2016

That totally sucks.

Sorry that you had to deal with that!!!

Neikoda · March 2016

klauerinaking I'm sorry for you having to deal with that situation and your feelings are completely justified. I've been in similar situations, so know that you aren't alone. But that is completely insensitive and disrespectful of her in my opinion. I give you a lot of credit for holding yourself together like you did.

My SIL announced during my TWW. That cycle I ended up getting a positive, and then MC before Christmas when I was going to announce. It has since been discovered that she did not want a 3rd child, and refused to test until she had missed two periods, refusing to believe she was PG. I cried in the bathroom the day she announced and at Christmas with the family.

DH and I got married in October and his family has been bugging us non-stop to the point were I told them about my losses just so that they'd stop asking. Now an APS diagnosis, a luteal phase deficiency, and my first cycle of Clomid makes hearing other people success stories horrible. The best of luck to you in the future and if you need anyone to vent to, feel free to send me a message.

glamakitti · March 2016

Silly woman. Want us all to come over there and beat her up?
Seriously though; I'm sorry you had to be subjected to such an arrogant, unthinking idiot. When our time comes we'll all be great first time or second time etc... mums because we struggled for it we won't take our blessing (s) for granted.

*edit: spelling mistake.

queenklau · March 2016

@nwegman7878, yes exactly. Normally I am happy for people but when they are such ungrateful bias that take their blessings for granted...then argh!

@glamakitti, lol! And yes, that's a good way of thinking about it. We will feel blessed and never dare to say stupid things like her...

@dpjennifer, thanks love.

DinosaurJumper · March 2016

It's all perspective. I don't understand people that can be so rude and self absorbed however. Asking about your MC or whatever else is absolutely uncalled for! I get that people will ask when you are going to have babies or if you are pg, it sucks but it'll happen. I remember doing that to my SIL before they conceived their last baby, she has PCOS (is that right?) and so there were long gaps in between all of their babies. I get the frustration now, and I feel like a piece of shit for asking her and bringing it up. My boss asks me about every few months, it's just something you have to deal. But going on from there and all that is not okay. Stay strong ladies. It'll be our turns soon

Flamingo777 · March 2016

What an absolute dickhead. Ughhh I'm so angry for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dubcompanion · March 2016

Wow, I'm so impressed at your self-control. If someone who was aware of my loss were to say such things to me, I'd be SO much less polite. As in - my husband would have to be holding back my clenched fist!! It's hard enough keeping a pleasant/poker-face demeanor when someone who doesn't know about my struggle complains about their pregnancy symptoms, post-pregnancy body, sleep deprivation from caring for their healthy baby, etc. Granted, in these situations, I'm not mad - just sad. Still, it cuts deep.

I'm sorry this woman was such an absolute cow. All of us would like nothing better than to punch her in the face (or at the very least, give her an earful), so feel free to call upon one of us if it happens again!

mickcole · March 2016

So sorry that happened! People are just unreal sometimes.

I hate seeing pregnant women more than anything in the world right now.

Boots&Co · March 2016

That sucks. I know how you feel, I've felt that low too. Sometimes it can feel so heavy.

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