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Blended Families
crsanchez87
member
Becoming a Single Parent, now what?
crsanchez87
member
I posted this in my month group but I haven't had any replies and I really need advice. TYIA for any suggestions.
Two weeks ago I found out my husband of 2 years, together for 5, was cheating on me. Not a long term affair with emotions, with a 19 year old (hes 34) and then with another college student he met while out. He says he doesnt have any emotional connection with them, he just enjoys the novelty. Things between us had been strained for the last year. He had been going out late (3-4am) coming home drunk, lying about where he was and who he was with, not wanting to be intimate with me. Even before the baby, we had intimacy issues. Me wanting to, him not wanting to. He was always on his phone, on face book, the computer. He owns a business that does trivia at bars so he would often have to go out and meet with his employees, which i understood but then would stay out all night. I think I was in denial for quite a long time. I think I still am in denial. We only ever argued about him coming in late/drunk/not helping with the baby. We both come from divorced families. We both had agreed that if we were to ever marry that we would not make the same mistakes as our parents. And yet, here I am. Single mother of a 10 month old beautiful baby boy, alone in a state without any of MY family or friends. He says he loves his son, he wants to see him everyday but he doesnt want to be married, he doesnt want to be trapped in the routine of it. He doesn't love me or want to be with me. He says the chemistry is gone between us. My mom wants me to move back to TX and she would help me with the baby, all of my family and friends are there. He does not want me to move, he wants me to stay so he can see his son easily. I don't know what to do. I want my baby to know his father, the good parts of him, but I also want to be with my support system. We are going to marriage counseling but he said he is only doing it so that we can learn how to co parent and how to take on the next step. I currently live in new orleans, expensive living, expensive private schools, high crime in certain areas, awesome culture and music and my husbands family who i do care about and would help me if I asked or Texas where all of my family and friends are, safer areas, less expensive living, some interesting and fun places to live.
So I guess I just want some unbiased input-- Should I stay or should I go?
Two weeks ago I found out my husband of 2 years, together for 5, was cheating on me. Not a long term affair with emotions, with a 19 year old (hes 34) and then with another college student he met while out. He says he doesnt have any emotional connection with them, he just enjoys the novelty. Things between us had been strained for the last year. He had been going out late (3-4am) coming home drunk, lying about where he was and who he was with, not wanting to be intimate with me. Even before the baby, we had intimacy issues. Me wanting to, him not wanting to. He was always on his phone, on face book, the computer. He owns a business that does trivia at bars so he would often have to go out and meet with his employees, which i understood but then would stay out all night. I think I was in denial for quite a long time. I think I still am in denial. We only ever argued about him coming in late/drunk/not helping with the baby. We both come from divorced families. We both had agreed that if we were to ever marry that we would not make the same mistakes as our parents. And yet, here I am. Single mother of a 10 month old beautiful baby boy, alone in a state without any of MY family or friends. He says he loves his son, he wants to see him everyday but he doesnt want to be married, he doesnt want to be trapped in the routine of it. He doesn't love me or want to be with me. He says the chemistry is gone between us. My mom wants me to move back to TX and she would help me with the baby, all of my family and friends are there. He does not want me to move, he wants me to stay so he can see his son easily. I don't know what to do. I want my baby to know his father, the good parts of him, but I also want to be with my support system. We are going to marriage counseling but he said he is only doing it so that we can learn how to co parent and how to take on the next step. I currently live in new orleans, expensive living, expensive private schools, high crime in certain areas, awesome culture and music and my husbands family who i do care about and would help me if I asked or Texas where all of my family and friends are, safer areas, less expensive living, some interesting and fun places to live.
So I guess I just want some unbiased input-- Should I stay or should I go?
Re: Becoming a Single Parent, now what?
If I were in your situation, I'd probably want to go to where my support system is. However, you need to realize that if you do try to go, you're the one trying to move his child away from him and he could go to court to stop it. He can't stop you from leaving but the court could grant him primary custody so your baby would have to stay. Consult with a good family law attorney before making a decision. If you do decide to move, make sure you have a good rationale why going with you is in the child's best interest (being closer to YOUR family and lower cost of living won't cut it in comparison to taking him away from his father and that side of the family, especially if dad is making a strong effort to co-parent while you want to move away with the child). Also have a plan for how you will encourage and support your child's relationship with his father, including consistent frequent access to his father. Is the cost and family support worth it if, for example, you have to transport your child back to New Orleans every weekend for dad's parenting time? Or if your baby has to stay with dad and you only see your child every other weekend?
Moms aren't automatically given primary custody nowadays, so a court judgment could go either way regardless of who's at fault in the marriage ending. Your child is a Louisiana resident and some courts prefer to keep child in his resident state if all else is equal. Some courts do favor moms, even though they're not supposed to, and I'm sure your chance is better if you're still breastfeeding.
So definitely talk to a lawyer familiar with this kind of situation. Your best course of action may be talking to Dad, maybe in one of your counseling sessions, about moving and seeing if together you can figure out a mutually agreeable custody arrangement. You'll then have an idea if he's likely to petition the court for a stop move order and if the move is still worth it to you given the custody agreement you two most closely agree on. I hope things work out for you in the best possible way.