How do you get through

Kbalas1018 · March 2016

Our daughter passed 30 minutes after she was born because she had trisomy 13. We are very upset and miss her but are trying to navigate our new life as parents of an angel baby.
The part I'm facing right now is that SO many of my friends are pregnant/having babies. Our due date was Feb 4th but we had our baby December 21st at 33 weeks.

Just this week 2 of my closest friends have had their babies. My other friend is due at the end of this month. My sister in law is 12 weeks and my cousin is 9 weeks. Then another friend just announced her pregnancy yesterday. I'm happy for all of them but it's just a constant reminder of what I'm missing out on. I push through infront of them but my heart is breaking because I want my baby back and I want to care for a baby.
How do you guys get through these things?

m6agua · March 2016

First off I am sorry for your loss. I started seeing a counselor. I also had to unfollow a few people on Facebook as well.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. I would second unfollowing people on facebook. I also think a counselor who specializes in loss like this is a good idea. I think you need to give yourself permission to focus on taking care of yourself, especially when it comes to other people having babies. Of course you are happy for them, but you don't have to go to their shower, etc. We have a christening coming up that we need to travel to, and we've already made plans to stay at our favorite hotel in the area where we can just be together (or I can be alone, if needed) and take a break from it all throughout the weekend. Sending you so many hugs.

Kbalas1018 · March 2016

Thank you both. I do have the support of a loss doula who came to the hospital when I first had our daughter and stays in contact with me now. She is very helpful and I love her but sometimes I need to talk to others who are going through it right now.
I had left my job because I was planning on staying home with her and we didn't expect her to pass away. So now I'm not doing much and I don't even think I could go back to work at this point. We'd like to try again for another baby soon but right now I'm just sitting around while all my friends are out there giving birth and snuggling their babies. My mind never get's off of all this stuff. Some days are better than others though. I could unfollow them I guess. But when they're some of the closest people in your life it's hard to distance myself when I need to, plus if I distance myself then I will have no one.

AL_TwinCities · March 2016

@Kbalas1018 can you start volunteering for something? I find work to be a very welcome distraction - I can see how being at home might be difficult. Maybe a low commitment volunteer position could give you a distraction but also give you flexibility to work as much or as little as feels right for you.

I have unfollowed some people on FB, but my closest friends I will take a different approach. I like their photos and announcements, and will comment my congratulation, and then I unfollow the conversation on that post and choose the "hide this post" option so I don't have to keep seeing their US or baby pics in my feed. But the next time they post I will see it and can do the same if needed.

Re: your comment about distancing yourself. I think about who really is my support system, and who is not. My friends who have new babies really are not in a place to offer me much support. I think it is too painful for them, and they worry about their own children when they are around me. But some friends who are done having kids, and especially the friends who have gone through loss and/or IF, as well as the ones who really do reach out to me and try to give me support - they are my support network. I hope you have some people in your life aside from the friends who are new parents or expecting - support may come from other places than your best friends. Even if you distanced yourself from a few friends for a while, I hope you will have support from others so you are not alone.

iceandsnowflakes29 · March 2016

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I do not have a Facebook account. I completely deleted it, let me tell ya, best thing I ever did for many reasons. My true friends call and text me.

I second staying busy somehow, volunteer work sounds like a great idea. Do you work out ? Are you a gym member? The gym is wonderful because nobody brings their kids to the gym! (Of course the added benefit of exercise).

I also second a counselor or a therapist.

I was lurking the TTCAL board and saw the picture of your daughter. She's absolutely beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Kbalas1018 · March 2016

@AL_TwinCities @iceandsnowflakes29 thank you both for your comments and suggestions. I have attempted to volunteer one place specifically and they weren't accepting volunteers again until May but I haven't tried elsewhere. I agree that it would be a good way for me to get out, help make an impact on the community but not have to be overly committed to anything.
I do workout although it's at home because when I left my job I cut out a few extra expenses I could live without. I walk a lot and after Veda passed I bought the Cize beachbody dance workout dvd so I could have a little fun in my living room

I live in Nashville TN but I am not originally from here so although I do have friends/parents here, the rest of my friends and family are up north. 2 friends here just had their babies and the other one is due at the end of the month, my best friend from home had her baby yesterday and then my SIL and cousin recently found out. I think they all understand that I love them but just as they're not in places to give me good support, I'm not in the place to do that for them either. I will say my SIL reaches out to me a lot and up until she had her baby, my one friend here was really amazing about everything.
I'm getting the most support from people I don't know very well which seems a little strange yet I get that it's because they know how this feels. They've all connected with me over Facebook from my family sharing my blog which is why I have kept it going. I have unfollowed a lot of people that I just can't continuously see their posts because it's too painful.
I just feel like I can unfollow, cut out, avoid, hide in the middle of no where... and I'm still going to have to deal with the fact that so many people in my life have their babies but I didn't get to keep mine.
I have really tried to embrace all that comes with grief because I think that is the only way healing can take place at all, but this is one of those things that leaves me in a constant state of jealousy and I hate feeling that way.

I hadnt considered a counselor so I may talk with my husband about that.

Thank you ladies for being so sweet and taking the time to respond to me.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

Veda is such a beautiful name.

And if you're looking for more work outs, we just signed up for Daily Burn (30 day free trial, then I think $12/month--on Roku, apps, etc.). So far I've been enjoying the dance videos and the MMA and kickboxing...because sometimes I just need to punch.

fivetimesnoluck · March 2016

@Kbalas1018 Like PPs, I suggest finding ways to fill time. I took up yoga and have given a lot more time to organizations I am involved with. Counseling can definitely help in finding peace, coming to terms.

Two things that are inexpensive, but are stress relieving for me are coloring (https://amzn.to/1QRxbgg) and puzzles. They require concentration and help me pass the time. Great distractions.

I have recently been looking up talks on grief and loss and found this one yesterday that resonated with me. Maybe it will be meaningful to you. https://bit.ly/1WXqa1Z

And I understand the importance of staying connected but not being burdened by the constant barrage of babies. Sounds like there are some good suggestions above on how to manage that well. Personally, I had to quit facebook and for me it was a great decision... but it's different for everyone.

I am keeping you in my thoughts.

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