kind of regret not telling more people

BrightenMySky · February 2016

I've been mulling this over in my head and am curious if anyone identifies. We found out our baby died when I was supposed to be 11 weeks. By that point, we had told parents and adult siblings, as well as some of our closest friends. We had planned to tell grandparents and younger siblings, as well as work, in the second tri (which was so close, yet so far...), and I don't know that I ever would have done a big FB announcement.

I get that the risk of miscarriage is highest early on, and goes down as you hit certain milestones. So I'm glad I didn't tell certain people in order to spare them this pain (my grandparents, in particular). But part of me wishes that I could have been happy with more of my close friends while I was pregnant, and it would be easier to get their support now. I found it easier to send a quick email to the friends that knew about the pregnancy about our loss, whereas I struggle with how to tell friends that didn't know, but this loss is such a big part of my life, I want them to know now. When I was pregnant, I just kept telling myself, "Today, I am pregnant, and if one day I am not, I will deal with it then," to try to avoid the anxiety over the risk of loss. So it seems like I should have celebrated those high points more. And now I don't want it to be a secret, I want my baby to be talked about and remembered. Am I making any sense?

I should say that I get that some people have to deal with getting "mommy tracked" at work, which seems like a different reason not to disclose until you absolutely cannot hide it. I have mixed feelings about work--I don't really worry about mommy tracking at my workplace, and I also don't think given my demographics (31, married 5 years, etc.) anyone would be surprised if I announced a pregnancy--and sometimes I wish that more people knew. I have been playing with the idea of telling one of the women that I do a lot of work for, but the time/place has not seemed right yet.

Thanks for reading, as always.

ThePax89 · February 2016

I'm feeling so extremely similar right now. Wanting people to know.

I think that you should tell people, starting with the woman at work.

We were 2 weeks out from announcing officially, so I get the feeling. I hate that people don't know.

iceandsnowflakes29 · February 2016

Here's my view point on telling people. When I'm pregnant, I do not tell anyone who I couldn't handle UN-telling. For example, I have a very close friend who, although has never experienced a loss (in fact, she has 3 children no issues) but, she doesn't say anything awful like "it wasn't meant to be", etc. Actually, she doesn't say anything at all except "here's another glass of wine". Which is the BEST thing to say IMO

So generally, if I know I'm not going to get asshole comments that are well-meaning but, hurtful, I'm very open.

As for enjoying it in the moment, I don't know what to do there. It's damned if you do, damned if you don't. I remained very skeptical this go around and then my mom got inside my head telling me she "had a good feeling about this one" and she started talking about car seats and I had to reign her in but, then I thought maybe it will be ok and I started to relax and I downloaded an pregnancy tracker app (I had great anxiety over that), and I glanced around on pinterest at baby stuff and then boom.

So now I'm wishing I had stayed skeptical and not let myself get attached. Then, now, I feel guilty because I'm sad, but not hysterical and not surprised that it will end because of said bad feeling that I had from day 1 before my mom went rainbows and glitter on me.

I do sometimes want to scream at people and educate them on what this is really like (my MIL for instance) who DOES NOT get it and does say asshole comments. Like, I wish I could just set her straight. But, I don't want to fight with her for the sake of my husband (otherwise I would have ripped her a new one after my ectopic).

And then sometimes I wish I could tell everyone just so I don't have to FAKE IT. I feel like while I'm grieving I have to fake it and I have to put on an act and a mask and I cannot take it off until I get home. When really I'm just exhausted and I want to tell them no, I'm not good company right now. My in laws throw a LOT of get-togethers. Everytime someone farts we have a get together and it is exhausting. But I have to go and act normal cause they don't know.

Holy word vomit. I'm so sorry. I just unloaded here. I get what you're saying and I guess my summary is there isn't a right answer. We SHOULD tell more people. It shouldn't be a closet thing since it so common. But, easier said than done, I suppose.

FiancB · February 2016

We told a lot of people very early, and now I kind of regret that. I am glad that we told all our nearest and dearest, but I did spill to some acquaintances like classmates and such and that made things harder when they'd ask later how it was coming along. I am glad that I told my clinical instructor so she knew what was going on, and one classmate that had losses herself was very kind to me. Most other people just avoid you.

IDK, I kind of think that no matter what, you will look back at every little decision you made and wish you'd done it differently. Next time, we will definitely tell fewer people, but I'm not sure what that means yet. Not his parents for sure, because they acted ridiculous concerning the loss. Maybe my parents, probably my sister, and a couple close friends.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

@ThePax89 thank you. Given the conventional wisdom I feel a little nuts to be thinking this way, so good to hear that you feel similarly.

@iceandsnowflakes29 definitely easier said than done. And there are just some people who I'd like to not tell but that also goes with I'd like to not talk/interact generally with them because I am hurting so much and they are just so insensitive. When DH told his brother I was pregnant and that we had been doing fertility treatments, his brother's response was, "yeah, now we are trying to figure out how not to have another kid right away." We have to go to their "oops" baby's christening in two months and dread does not begin to describe what I feel.

@FiancB I am sorry you are regretting telling some of the people that you did. I think you are totally right that no matter what we did, we will look at back and wish we'd done something differently. Like I'm trying to rationalize why this is so difficult and maybe if I'd done something else it would be more manageable.

chloe97 · February 2016

I was 10 weeks into my pregnancy when I found out. We had just told our families. I regretted feeling pressured to tell my brother that I'm not close to, mainly because I had to send the very awkward "never mind" email 1.5 weeks later. Everyone else who knew was rapidly filled in by DH or our families.

I had had only told a few close friends and I'm still telling people now. I feel like I'm pretty fragile these days and if I need to be treated with kid gloves that it's only fair people know why.

Its totally up to you, but don't feel like just bc you didn't tell people you were pregnant, you can't tell them about a MC. I didn't tell my coworkers that I was pregnant, but they all know I miscarried.

roxgibbons · February 2016

One of the first things I said to my husband when we found out last week about our loss was I wish so many people didn't know. I had only told my mom and two close friends. My husband was so excited he shared the news with work, and the rest of his family. As time went on, I started sharing the news with more friends and most importantly we shared the news with my two kids (11 and 9). They were so happy that they were going to have a baby brother or sister. Although I initially regretted sharing the news with so many, my SIL pointed out that at least we weren't suffering in silence and that we had more people supporting us during this difficult time. She was right as overall we have received support and love and even though people sometimes say dumb things it usually comes from a good place. As for work when I found out last week, I was just honest and told my group what happened. I believe it made going back to work today easier. I had nothing to hide which took a lot of pressure off.

If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I'm not sure who I will tell or when- eventhough we've had a lot support this last week, I'm so scared of loss, I'm just not sure how I will handle it in the future.

zrain · February 2016

I only told my two best friends, our parents, and our siblings that we were pregnant. Oh, and my physical therapists because I figured they should know in case it impacted my therapy. When we found out we were going to miscarry I called my SIL and had her tell my immediate family, and DH called his mom, and then I told my whole world the easiest way possible to spread information: Facebook. It worked really well. I got so much support and I don't have to pretend to be ok. No one blinks an eye when I randomly start crying. They just give me a hug. Every once in a while someone texts or Facebook messages me just to let me know they're thinking about me. When I get pregnant again, I think I'll tell more people (in person, not Facebook). I don't like hiding things, and I want to have as much support as possible because I imagine I'll be an anxious mess the whole time.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

@zrain you shared your fb post here, right? I thought it was a very brave thing to put on fb, and I am so glad you got such good reactions. Thanks for mentioning that here as well.

BornReady · February 2016

Sorry for your loss. Only my husband and I knew... and my eye doctor, who was oddly like the first person since I had just had an exam. He's a 28 year old guy, and I have been avoiding going in for an appointment, as I am quite obviously not pregnant.

I wish I had told more people like others and think I will next time I get pregnant.

Kbalas1018 · February 2016

I'm so so sorry. I was sort of in an opposite situation with my first pregnancy in 2014. My husband and I are both really terrible at keeping secrets when it's our own and so I told a lot of people very early on and then we miscarried. It was so hard going to all of them and telling what happened. But the people I had told cared about us so when we gave them the bad news they were there for us and it was the support we needed. I'm so grateful I had those people to help me get through it.
So my opinion is this, even though some of those people didn't know you were pregnant, your baby is a life to be celebrated and it's good to make baby known. It will help you through the healing as well as let people who care about you, be there for you and love on you. You should never feel ashamed or like you have to keep it a secret. Some people may say some annoying but well-meaning things... But I took comfort in the fact that the love for my baby was being spread all around.
My heart goes out to you.

My second pregnancy came 10 months later and I told quite a few people early on again. I was going to wait to tell most of my coworkers since I hadn't waited the last time but I was so sick that it was obvious something was up with me. Then I ended up announcing it on Facebook on Fathers Day when I was 7 weeks along. We found out at the anantomy scan that our daughter has some abnormalities. This information we kept private between really close family and friends because we didn't have answers and wanted to stay positive and hopeful. We didn't think that would be so easy if everyone knew and was being negative. I carried our baby until 33w+4 and had to have an emergency csection because I ended up with preeclampsia. She only lived for 30 minutes and we found out she had trisomy 13. Even though we knew she would need special care, we didn't know she was going to die.
Since then we have been very open about everything to everyone and the love and support again has been amazing. I don't regret not making all the info about her health public while I was pregnant because I needed to be able to live without the constant reminder from people. We just wanted to celebrate her life just as we would with any other baby. So I'm saying all of this to say that there are difference circumstances and sometimes sharing will feel right and sometimes it won't. Go with your instincts, but I do believe the life of a baby is always worth sharing. Your baby belongs to you and made you a mommy.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

Thank you so much for sharing @Kbalas1018 and I am sorry for your losses.

I am getting more comfortable sharing with people, starting out with practices that are lower stakes (not that I'm planning it that way, but just how it's happened). So I told the dentist (made sense in relation to jaw pain & stress), the hair stylist (she asked if I had/wanted kids), and one coworker, although she works remote so it was over the phone and a little easier. But I stayed composed and hopefully am moving towards reflecting on this baby with sadness and love and not the utter devastation that I had been feeling.

mommy2owl · February 2016

I'm glad we have the support of all those we told. We only told close friends and family, about 20 people. I can't imagine going through this without them, and I don't think I want others to know until I'm in a better place. I will let everyone else know when I feel like I can handle the comments they may make and keep my composure.

iceandsnowflakes29 · February 2016

Oddly enough, I have a easier time telling strangers than I do family? Before I became pregnant this time, I had someone casually ask if we would have more kids and I simply told her, we have a hard time staying pregnant and had some losses under our belt.

I'm glad your family is so supportive. Mine was not during the last times so, I'm keeping it a secret this time

However, I wish I could tell them. March is filling up fast for me with events and obligations and I'm having a hell of time RSVP-ing when I have no idea when I could be in middle of a miscarriage.

Tennis11785 · February 2016

We had only told my family, his siblings Andy best friend. We decided to tell my group of close girl friends until after week 10 for whatever reason.

I ended up telling my close girl friends the night of my miscarriage. I so much wanted them to know what I was going through. It made me regret not telling them sooner so I could have celebrated with them. If I go to them in bad times, I want to go to them in good times too.

If we're lucky enough to get pregnant again, I won't wait to tell them.

SnobunnieMel · March 2016

I completely understand where you are coming from on this. We told our parents and granny's and each told one other person. He hubs told his very close sister and I told my best friend. We had been planning on telling my brothers yesterday after our appointment, but all that changed. My brothers are my closest friends and now I regret not telling them earlier. I will probably tell them what happened in a few weeks when I can talk about it without falling to complete pieces. I want to give our baby the respect and love that I know it's uncles would have had for it. Unfortunately, with me taking an entire week off from work, now most of my office knows what happened without having known before.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

Just an update, today I told someone at the office who I do a lot of work for. She was sad for me, although had no experience (she admitted she was lucky). She talked a lot about the vacation we had to cancel, I think because it was hard to know what else to say, but that was a little hard for me to deal with. She did say that of all the reasons she had been thinking why we had to cancel the trip, this did not occur to her, but some of the things she thought of were much worse, and that just felt nice to know that she cared about me.

Overall it felt good, though, and I think I may start sharing a bit more. Especially because I am still having better days alternating with very bad days (or days that quickly go downhill), so I think I'll feel better providing some context.

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