Boundary issues

CalebsHabibi · February 2016

FTM here. We live 6 hours away from my family and 14 hours from DH's family. DH's mom and dad will be staying at a hotel when they get the call that I've gone into labor. DH and I invited my mom and dad to stay at the house. Well, I just got word that my dad has invited my grandmother to ride with them and stay as well. Because my dad is an irrationally emotional person, I called my mom to discuss the issue. I told her that DH's parents are staying at a hotel and suggested that if grandmother does come maybe they could stay at a hotel too. Mom said Dad would not go for that and it would make him angry. I told her that DH and I wanted to bond with the baby because he only gets a week of paternity leave. I told her I would be needing to learn to breast feed and use a breast pump and nothing could sway her to see where I was coming from. We finally decided that if grandma came with them, they would stay at the house until I got sent home from the hospital then Mom would suggest that they leave early. She sounded really disappointed about this because she wants to be here for me. She just couldn't see where I was coming from and kept saying, "well I haven't invited anyone/ I'm not the one who invited other people."

As this has just stressed me out completely to the point of tears, DH said he would say something to them. He said "I will be the bad guy, I don't care. They can't all stay here a week. Just tell me when/if you want me to say something." I told him that part of me just wants to not even tell them that I've had the baby until we're all settled anyway. He then suggested that we could wait until some ungodly hour to tell them that I've gone into labor that way grandma wouldn't come (she told me she's gonna ride with them only if it's not too late). This makes me sad because I REALLY want my mom here. We've been talking about it and she said "I'm not waiting on anyone, when you call me and say it's time, I'm in the car and leaving."

I'm just really stressed about this. I have NO CLUE how to handle the situation. I just don't understand why they can't see where I'm coming from. Why they can't understand that after having a new baby we don't want 3 adults staying with us for a week. :,(

Anyone else that lives far away from family, what did you do/ are doing? If you told people they couldn't stay, How did that affect your relationship? Should I get DH to say something? Should I wait until a late hour to tell them I've gone into labor?

SarahFoley725 · February 2016

I think you should just be straight with your dad about it. It may upset him but I seriously doubt that it will strain your relationship or keep your parents from coming. This isn't the first time that you'll have to put your foot down and do what's best for you, DH, and baby. Just tell him you're not comfortable having the extra people in the house and that you'd like them/grandma to find a hotel as you didn't invite her to begin with.

CalebsHabibi · February 2016

@SarahFoley725 yes. This does seem like the logical and rational way to handle it. The only thing is my dad is not so logical or rational. When DH and I bought our first place- a one bedroom condo, my dad got really upset and told me I was trying to "push him out of my life" because we wouldn't have a room for him to stay. DH actually called him back and said he would pay for a hotel room for my dad and family to stay. After that, dad never brought it up as being an issue again and they did come visit and stay in a hotel.

CalebsHabibi · February 2016

However, I just need to buck up and say something to him...

SarahJean1014 · February 2016

We've also requested that family stay in hotels during the initial visits as I don't want to have to deal with turning over the guest room for visitors when learning to care for two brand new babies. Everyone was okay with this expect my mom whose reaction was "we'll see". Now as punishment she told me that during the week they come out here her and my dad are also going to drive to Seattle and Portland (~12 hrs away). I've decided I'm going to hold strong and not give in and if that means she only gets to see her grand babies for a day or so that's all on her.

GraciesMom189 · February 2016

Yes- I have a similar type of issue going on. Originally planning on staying in my parents guest house a few days after the baby is born like I did with my firstborn. My mom was great about doing a lot in the background so I could rest and enjoy my baby. We are planning a VBAC and will have to travel two hours to and from the hospital. My parents have booked a hotel room. Very recently, they invited my uncle and his wife (dads brother from Scotland) to stay in the guest house for a few weeks and to stay in the hotel. Not what I had in mind since I don't like hospital visitors, but I love my aunt and uncle so choosing to roll with it. Anyway, husband and I have decided we'd like to go back to our own house after baby is born. We know what to expect now anyway and my family lives really close. Haven't broken the news to them yet, but I hope they take it well! I just have to keep in mind that they are trying to be supportive and I am very lucky. At the same time, boundaries and privacy are important. It's a balance. But ultimately, I'm not going to choose to put myself in a situation that is uncomfortable. It's our experience first and foremost.

CalebsHabibi · February 2016

I just found this article called the "Lemon Clot Essay" I think if my dad gives me a hard time I'm just going to email this to him to read. Warning: very accurate description of the recovery period. https://community.babycenter.com/post/a9739555/the_lemon_clot_essay

tJaffe · February 2016

We live 6 hrs from both sides. My mom has been invited to stay with us to help. But both my parents and 11 year old sister are staying with us the week before I'm due, I'm only 35 weeks right now. (I'm a teacher and my spring break is that week and my sister's school district happens to be on break at the same time) But we have tried to schedule time after the baby arrives for DHs family... His mom is coming down in late April after we've been settled. SIL1 on his side is the only person with who's upset with us. When she and his brother had their first, my husband went to visit them in the hospital. And she doesn't understand why they can't do the same. There's a huge difference between visiting someone for an hour in the hospital and then going back to your own home, than coming to live in someone's house for a few days. No amount of reasoning could make her understand. I'm sticking to my guns. I don't want lots of ppl around while I'm recovering from pushing a human being out of my vagina. I want my mom and my husband because they know how to deal with me. My husband is very adamant that my mom is staying with us, we don't have room for anyone else. He knows my mom will take care of house and dinner and SIL1 won't. So that helps but SIL1 hasn't talked to me in a month because of it. OH WELL!

My feelings are this:

Parents, siblings, in laws... They've had their babies. It's our turn, this is what we want, my needs and baby's need trump others "needs" which are really just wants. The baby does not NEED to meet anyone. The baby NEEDS to bond with its mom and dad. My husband NEEDS to learn how to care for his son. We NEED to learn how to breastfeed.

I have no issues with every one else thinking I'm a bitch for feeling this way.

schweitz · February 2016

Why is it that some people just don't get it? They've had kids before! Why can't they remember what it was like? Who wants a bunch of people in their house right after they've given birth? I wish you could just tell them straight up it'll stress you out after and you need the alone time, but like you said your father probably won't handle it rationally. I'm sorry.

My father in law likes to push my buttons and say he's going to show up at the birth center and video my contractions. I know he just likes getting my goat but I'm pregnant and don't have the tolerance for it anymore. I told him straight up that because he says stuff like that I won't let him know when I go into labor until after I get home and I'm settled. It's not necessarily true, but it's all I've got to threaten back with lol!

At the end of the day it's about YOU and YOUR BABY and YOUR recovery. You can't worry about everyone else's feelings at this time. You have enough on your plate.

tJaffe · February 2016

schweitz said:

Why is it that some people just don't get it? They've had kids before! Why can't they remember what it was like? Who wants a bunch of people in their house right after they've given birth? I wish you could just tell them straight up it'll stress you out after and you need the alone time.

This! I did that exactly. I don't care. I know myself, even as a FTM, I know I don't want to deal with people. I've said its fine that you don't understand but this is how it's going to be.

Disneygeek77 · February 2016

It doesn't matter if your dad is rational or not, it still needs to get said. He has to learn that you will not be manipulated and you have to learn that it is ok if your parents are disappointed with your decisions. I have had to upset my dad before and the world just kept on spinnin. My husband had to upset his mom before, I mean really upset her, but she eventually get over it. If fact, I would say our relationships with our parents are better now because they have learned they cant guilt us or push us around. I truly believe that upsetting your parents is just part of growing up. What helped me was I had to think of it like my dad was throwing a temper tantrum. Now if my toddler was throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the candy aisle, I wouldn't give in just to keep them happy because all that would teach them is that when they throw a fit, they get what they want and every time we went to the store they would throw a fit. You have to think of your dad as a toddler throwing a fit in the middle of the candy aisle. Somewhere along the way, your dad has learned that when he throws a fit, he gets what he wants. If you give in now, you will not hear the end of it. He will throw fits when it comes to holidays, vacations or any other parenting decisions you and your husband make. Eventually he will have to learn that you and your husband have firm boundaries and he can't manipulate you both. Might as well rip off the band aid and do it now.

CalebsHabibi · February 2016

So I called my dad. I very calmly explained where I was coming from and why I didn't want grandmother (his mom) staying the first week and how I would be recovering. He basically told me that my mom can come by herself and that he's not coming and hung up on me. Now I'm just sobbing because I wanted my dad there and I don't even know if my mom is coming now because she never drives without my dad.

schweitz · February 2016

tJaffe said:

schweitz said:

Why is it that some people just don't get it? They've had kids before! Why can't they remember what it was like? Who wants a bunch of people in their house right after they've given birth? I wish you could just tell them straight up it'll stress you out after and you need the alone time.

This! I did that exactly. I don't care. I know myself, even as a FTM, I know I don't want to deal with people. I've said its fine that you don't understand but this is how it's going to be.

Yep same. I know myself and what I want, and I'm going to say what needs to be said.

schweitz · February 2016

Disneygeek77 said:

You have to think of your dad as a toddler throwing a fit in the middle of the candy aisle. Somewhere along the way, your dad has learned that when he throws a fit, he gets what he wants. If you give in now, you will not hear the end of it. He will throw fits when it comes to holidays, vacations or any other parenting decisions you and your husband make. Eventually he will have to learn that you and your husband have firm boundaries and he can't manipulate you both. Might as well rip off the band aid and do it now.

So true. Well said.

flowerpower5838 · February 2016

CalebsHabibi said:

So I called my dad. I very calmly explained where I was coming from and why I didn't want grandmother (his mom) staying the first week and how I would be recovering. He basically told me that my mom can come by herself and that he's not coming and hung up on me. Now I'm just sobbing because I wanted my dad there and I don't even know if my mom is coming now because she never drives without my dad.

I know it may not seem like it now, but however this ends up playing it is for the best. You have your house to yourself and won't have to worry about extra guests. You stood up to your dad and established that when it comes to YOUR family, that you will set the rules, not him. I hope your dad changes his mind and that your parents are able to come, but if they can't you will be okay and you will still cherish that time either way.

Disneygeek77 · February 2016

He's throwing a fit. Don't give in. Imagine he is a toddler in the middle of the candy aisle. Giving in will only teach him that he can get away with this kind of nonsense. Your dad is not stupid and he knows how to push your buttons and manipulate you.

Keep telling yourself that this is good practice for when your baby is a toddler.

Kudos to you for standing up for yourself, your husband and your baby. That took a lot of courage.

schweitz · February 2016

We're proud of you @CalebsHabibi!

It's not easy what you did, but realize it's important to do what is best for you. I'm sure once you have a baby your family will want to come meet the little one and will put their differences aside. Even if they don't, you will have that time to yourself and your husband to spend with the baby and recuperate. Just try not to stress about it and realize you did a brave thing standing up to your father in this case. He's most likely going to get over it and you finally stood your ground and showed that you are an ADULT who is going to be a PARENT and it is YOUR job to decide what is best for YOU and YOUR family. You aren't just your parents' child anymore. You are creating your own family now and that's what comes first.

1Beetle · March 2016

I agree with all the other posters, but I just wanted to tell you that I am so very sympathetic towards you. There are just certain family dynamics/relationships/history that others just don't understand. I have the exact same problem of wanting our privacy but being afraid to ask for it. My brother will want to come with my mom and dad and bring his wife and incredibly loud and extremely difficult children when we deliver, all packed into out little house. It would be my worst nightmare to get that incredibly crucial, amazing window of bonding and peace (well, as much peace as our newborn will allow

CalebsHabibi · March 2016

@1Beetle I completely understand. It was extremely hard for me to do, but once I had stood my ground I felt better. I really agonized over it too. But the more I thought about it the more I realized I was in the right. For one, my dad shouldn't assume that we would have room for her. What if DH's mom and dad were staying? What if we had already planned for DH's sister to stay? It was very presumptuous of him.

I say just just tell them to stay in a hotel, or limit them to only staying at your house while you're in the hospital. If they all come anyway, don't be discreet. Don't wash towels or sheets; breastfeed in front of them; stay in your pjs all day; if they ask for food/ toiletries/ supplies send them to the nearest Walgreens.

oceanchild · March 2016

@CalebsHabibi

good for you!!! seriously awesome

i agree with everyone's great advice, and i'm glad you are putting your baby and yourself ahead of your dad's nonsense. you won't regret it and everything will be fine

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