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1st Trimester
StrappinArrow
member
separated parents?
StrappinArrow
member
Some of you may know me from September moms. Long story short, I left my baby's father because I caught him cheating. ....again....& because he has done nothing but tear me down since we found out we were pregnant again. We lost a baby at 10wk5d last fall, who he was very excited for. I pay all my own bills & work two jobs.
He has told me my options are: abortion, adoption or get back together with him so we can raise the baby together....none of those are happening. I moved back into my moms till I get on my feet again.
But my question is, what do I include him in on?
What doctors appointments is he invited to? He is refusing to tell his family & I want to announce to the rest of my family & friends next week after the non invasive screening....if he doesnt tell them do I just announce when I told him I was going to? I just want this baby to have as beautiful announcement photos as my angel baby. Delivery room?
What things do I let him in on for this pregnancy? How do I go about dealing with him probably starting to date...which is okay with me as long as she isnt an alcoholic like the girl he cheated on me twice with.
I'm 12w4d & am terrified because I only have support from my mom & friends on this and none of them have been single throughout pregnancy.
He has told me my options are: abortion, adoption or get back together with him so we can raise the baby together....none of those are happening. I moved back into my moms till I get on my feet again.
But my question is, what do I include him in on?
What doctors appointments is he invited to? He is refusing to tell his family & I want to announce to the rest of my family & friends next week after the non invasive screening....if he doesnt tell them do I just announce when I told him I was going to? I just want this baby to have as beautiful announcement photos as my angel baby. Delivery room?
What things do I let him in on for this pregnancy? How do I go about dealing with him probably starting to date...which is okay with me as long as she isnt an alcoholic like the girl he cheated on me twice with.
I'm 12w4d & am terrified because I only have support from my mom & friends on this and none of them have been single throughout pregnancy.
Re: separated parents?
Some (not sure if all) states do not allow couples to divorce while pregnant. Have you looked into this?
Best advice I have is to surround yourself with positive influences and do not engage him unless he comes to you in an appropriate manner. I did not do this with the birth of DS and I regret it to this day.
Last advice, do not rush to give your child his last name. It is something you will have to sign over while in the hospital and once you do, you can never go back (it's nearly impossible, trust me). You can still receive child support, etc, without giving over that piece of your child.
these are all pretty tough decisions, & it'll be up to you in the end to decide what you're comfortable with. this is what i would do if i were in your shoes: i would just tell him the due date & let him know when you go into labour. but other than that i wouldn't really include him in much of the pregnancy. he really doesn't need to be going to all the doctor's appointments & things like that. & definitely tell your family & friends when you want to. if you guys arent together anymore he doesn't really have a right to dictate stuff like that anymore, IMO.
it might also be a good idea to look into the family law in your area to see what you have a right to not include him in & what you don't when it comes to pregnancy & even beyond.
good luck with everything!!
The only piece of advice I have would be to find a therapist. Having an unbiased party to sort through these decisions seems like it would be essential and also deal with your own feelings.
Married: October 2014
TTC #1 since September 2015
Also don't let him steal the joy of having a baby and announce whenever and wherever you choose! I also agree that seeking out a counselor would be a great idea they would
be a wonderful resource as a sounding board as I'm sure there are a lot of emotions with what you are going through. Also if ever things go to court they can be a strong ally for you as well. P
The last name thing? Is it more than just a name? Ive never been down this road. I want him/her to know their father or at the very least babys grandfather is an amazing man (not sure what happened to his gem of a son) so the last name I'm not ashamed of.
I really have no clue how much he even wants to be involved. ..right now he is too busy using baby as leverage. My aunt is a social worker so I need to give her a call & ask her professional opinion
2) you really need a legal representative. They will know the local laws and such. That person will help guide your guide to protect you and baby.
3) tell when you are comfortable. He can worry about his side of the family. You are not here to please him.
4) focus on the now. While you can think about the future (labor, last name and what not), don't lose sleep of it now. A lot can happen in the next few months that can change your mind. Work on what is happening now and in the next few weeks.
5) when talking to your lawyer, look into a morality clause. This prevents ex-dh from brining home random women around the child. I have seen them range from 'only married partners can spend the night' to 'any new partners must be met and agreed upon. If not agreed on, a valid reason is expected (aka, alcohol, back ground history. ...)'
Don't give him anything. He's a piece of crap and will always be.
Also, find a therapist. They'll be really helpful in helping you deal with all the emotion crap he's put you through and will probably continue to put you through well after your child is here.
Who cares if he thinks its ridiculous to drive separately?? If you want him there, tell him the time and date and leave the rest to him.
As for the rest, take it one day at a time. You want to announce your pregnancy, so announce it. He has had 12+ weeks to tell his family. He chose not to and that is on him.
Talk to a lawyer, figure out your legal rights. My only piece of "legal" advice is get everything in writing: Custody agreements, child support, plans for how to pay for college, holidays, who will cover LOs health insurance, etc. I know way too many parents who didn't get everything in writing and approved by the courts, it only caused chaos later. You can always go back and make adjustments to the agreements, but its better to have a baseline.
**** Formerly Snoflakes4eva****
Also, I have him blocked on my phone cause he blows it up at 2am....but it goes to a different folder so I dont see it unless I look....& im a glutton for punishment so I cant help but read the txts.
I do have experience in handling my own disfunctional family that I've worked hard to create healthy boundaries with to protect my family and mysel, as well as direct communication with. All of this was with the support of a fantastic therapist which I highly suggest you find. I can't completely shut my family out, and it sounds like you aren't willing to do that either. But set your boundaries now, state what you are willing and not willing to do, and enforce them to protect yourself.
Pregnancy and labor is, essentially, a medical condition, so I don’t think he is entitled to be present – at all – unless you want him there. I’m fairly certain he’ll have little or no legal rights to be involved in your pregnancy or labor. Whether you want him there is really up to you, but if he’s making those demands and pushing an abortion that you do not want, I would not include him at all, personally.
I know it’s expensive, but definitely consult with a family lawyer to get a better idea of what your and his legal rights are. That can give you an idea of what you’re working with here.
For the last name, it absolutely can be more than “just a name” I know plenty of adults who changed their last name to match their mother’s name or a step-father’s name because their father was largely absent (or in some cases abusive) in their life and they wanted to cut all ties with him and create ties with those they have formed positive relationships with.
Also, save ANY communication you have with him - texts, emails, etc. If he does turn out to be abusive, you may be able to use your communications as evidence to get a restraining order or sole custody if it should come to that.
I'm having a hard time dealing with that the girl he cheated on me with is the grossest girl in town (according to all my friends men)...like am I that bad? I just need to get over my broken heart & ego because I have bigger things to spend energy on.
But I will say I am A LOT calmer without him. Even my friends noticed
Being an involved father is great, but unless you have a true 50/50 split of time, responsibilities, insurance, so on and so forth, it will be better for BOTH of you to get something formal drawn up with a lawyer or a mediator or the court, etc.
I know keeping the peace and being accommodating may seem like the most important things now, but please think about financially protecting your child by looking a little more into a formal child support agreement.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
**** Formerly Snoflakes4eva****
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, I'm sure it isn't easy.
As for him dating, he is an adult and that's his life. I'm not saying I agree with it but he does have that right. Just remember if you're still married some states have laws about extramarital affairs and that could place you in a better position should a divorce arise. Keep a paper trail on everything.
Don't feel like you're having to walk this road alone. I know from personal experience this is not an easy situation to be in. Yes, you are going to sit there and feel alone sometimes even with people to talk to or support from friends and family. I feel that's because you know, at the end of the day, YOU are the one that all this falls on and no one is there to share the hurt from his betrayal, to support you through your pregnancy the way he should, to love that precious baby with anything close to what/how you love him/her.... that's a void he left regardless of what kind of person he was.
Again, you're not totally alone. I'm in a slightly similar situation myself; we are not married known each other 8 years, preggo by accident, told me abort or get out, moved out & back to moms to get back on my feet (that same day I moved out he was already looking for fresh tail to chase). I was diagnosed with HG 2 days later; fluids, medications, then sent me home with strict guidelines to follow. I was honest with my Dr and she has recorded everything so that in the event of things heading downhill again my medical records document everything on a neat timeline. He wouldn't tell his family - eventually I did after I told my own. In my situation, he's coming around now that I'm getting out of the first trimester and wants to 'dad', wants to fix his mistakes and is grateful I had to strength to stand up against him for our child. BUT you can bet my baby's father is having to step up in order to be involved. I won't have someone forming those kind of bonds and then walking out on my child. I will not allow him to do to our baby what he did to me. If he shows himself as truly wanting and capable of being a father, then we can co-parent just fine but until then I'm taking it a day at a time.
You've got this. You do not need him. You set the pace and most importantly always remember that from here on out your decisions are for the both of you. Being the biological father does not give him carte blanche to treat you any way he please and then expect to be considered your equal in this. Him stressing you also stresses baby and puts added strain on not just your body but your mind and your emotions. You are mama, that baby is in YOUR body, and right now you come first because baby can't thrive if you don't.
Rough nights are going to happen - I moved out on Valentine's Day and for a few days had little contact and at that it was very hostile and negative. I took what I felt were necessary steps and I blocked him from my life the next week; not just him but his family who I've known since we were kids. They all were offended but I did it for myself and for my baby. I found out we were expecting twins (just under 2 weeks post move out, 1 week of solid no contact) but that one seemed to be struggling. And that's when I reached out to him to let him know... I don't know that happened in that one week but he begged to come see me immediately - and I said no. I wanted to say yes because I missed him and I missed us but I could not say yes and essentially be telling him that the way he treated me is ok and he can't change his mind at any time and get what he wants. That's not healthy for his own self, me or baby. I set a time later in the week, during the day, out in public where I felt secure so we could meet. (Remember YOU have the control in this and right now you need to exercise it for the benefit of LO). And since then he has been trying to prove that he is 'pro-baby' and supportive of me. However, for me not enough time has elapsed to feel secure that he is legitimate in his efforts.
Trust is something a person earns and when they break that trust it is much harder to rebuild the second time around. I know your struggle, I do. My situation is not the same as in dealing with cheating but your trust has been broken and you're feeling the loss of your partner, the man who should be your biggest support, your relationship and your child's father.
It is VERY hard. It's hard when you know him and you love him and there's a part of you that wants it to work out together. You are having a child with this person and there's an intimate bond that comes with that. You want to experience this time together with him and for him to love and cherish not just your baby but you as well. You are transitioning to 'mother' and there's something very fundamental in humans that recognizes 'mother' & 'father' and you want that for your LO. It's natural.
I think it's good to recognize that there's a void. And to let yourself grieve and learn to cope. Some of the people in my support group want to act like it's not there and "oh well you don't need him anyways" or "obviously he's a dirt bag to do that to you". To me, while I don't agree with his actions, it's offensive because I made a child with this person. And there is a part of me that feels like I'm missing something and I'm willing to recognize that it's him, or rather the role he chose not to fill.
Now, none of that means I don't feel strongly what I wrote earlier but I can affirm that what you are experiencing is definitely normal for this situation. Let yourself feel everything but never let go of the logical side that can put your emotions in check for a minute. You are right that it's the two of you now and in a way you're a packaged deal. Right now he's proving to you that he cannot be relied upon; I know you want to be able to but you just can't. The only guarantee that baby has right now, today, is YOU. That's a lot of pressure at this stage (pregnancy) but you will manage. That little bit keeps me going and keeps my mind straight where he is concerned.
I read some of the other posts about therapy and giggled: I'm almost done with my education (round two; I left my career in emergency medicine) in Marriage and Family Therapy. So while I'm not officially an "expert" yet I am here for you to talk with at any time. I know some of the legalities in my state (Texas) about children born out of wedlock so that may be something to look into for your state.
Again just take everything a day at a time. People can change when they want to but on their own. And babies have a way of changing things - just remember this baby became real for you probably around the time of two pink lines; you feel the changes, your body is growing and adjusting, your world is changing daily (such as indigestion and having to give up sushi) It won't be "real" for him until he sees the ultrasound, hears the heartbeat, or holds that baby. Guys are a little different than us.
Don't solely follow your heart on this one, let your brain do its job on inserting logic. Even though our situations have similarities you and I are different and our (apparently irresponsible) guys are different. But I'm inserting my experience thus far so that you can relate in your own way
Feel free to inbox me if you ever need anyone to vent to!