“Introducing myself (loss mentioned)”

zantster · February 2016

Hi ladies, Me and DH have been TTC for more than 2 years (wow...it's still sinking in):/ I got preggo once after an HSG that ended 5 weeks later. We had every intention of just seeing what happened after that since IVF is expensive. But I got a new job that surprisingly came with IVF coverage! So I took that as a sign, particularly at our age, that we better give thanks and take advantage of the insurance. For the longest time every single visit by AF made me dissolve into tears. But the past few months have been better. I stopped using an app to track everything and focusing on when to BD. For me personally this has helped along with my spiritual commitments. I know different things work for each individual so whatever works for everyone is wonderful. We're hopeful the April FET will stick especially since it includes me participating in an NIH clinical trial that covers PGS and screening at 10 weeks at no cost. For a while I wasn't mentally ready to be on these boards. But I think I'm at a place where I can give support, which I know is just as important as getting it. Thanks for letting me join.

tvh1982 · February 2016

Hi @zantster.
Sorry that you've been struggling for so long and sorry for your loss.

Definitely take that as a sign that you have insurance coverage and are with a clinic that covers the PGD testing for their trial. Feels all as meant to be.

Glad you feel ready to join us, although I would much rather welcome you on another board.
GL on your journey!

LeeeLaaa · February 2016

Hi,
I do not know the lingo yet I am sorry. I feel like a lone ship in a big ocean. I am going on my 3rd implantation in the near future. My first 3 failed, not sure how to start out here so here goes. I have been seeing a Dr for over a year, we have had a lot of bad luck to the point I wonder if God dosnt want me to have a baby. We chose to have donor eggs because of my family history, our first donor disappeared. Our second donors eggs all died before implantation. Our 3rd donor gave us a football team but after genetic testing we had a half a football team.

We implanted 1 embryo our first try and sadly it became a ectopic pregnancy. We just came about to have a second implantation, our Dr decided to put 2 in this time and sadly we had a negative results after 10 days. The odds of having 2 embryos failing to implant is rare. I am sacred and sad. We have another meeting with the Dr on the 1st of march, it will be our last shot at having a baby on our own.
I am terrified and really just want to have someone to talk to. Everyone I know says "oh it will be fine" "you will have a baby no problem" nobody understands that not all of us can just have a baby.

I am needing someone who has done this before who can possibly help my sad mind right now. I feel I will go through the same procedure again and end up babyless again and now not have anymore embryos for me only a surrogate.

My man has been strong but last time he had all my meals planed out how I could not eat certain things but I could eat this. He had been researching and was so excited, when he found out I was not he layed down in bed and we cried.

Can someone tell me they have been through this before. Please tell me I am not done. I just need a shoulder to lean on for a bit...

tvh1982 · February 2016

Im sorry to read your story @leeelaaa. It's never easy to go through this and you have had your fair share of setbacks.
I know that with every BFN we are one step closer to not succeeding in having that baby on our own.
Its frightening, it hurts and it is emotionally draining.
But all we have is hope, hope that next time will be the one where there's is a fighter. As it only takes the one embryo to stay. Sure the odds are way against you, but all you have is hope and faith that next time will be the one.
Sometimes we just have to believe that God has planned something way better than what we can hope for. And we need to believe in that.
Keep going strong, you and your DH are doing all that you can do, and at the end it'll be all ok, no matter what the outcome will be.
GL on your journey, you got this xoxo

vssbrm · February 2016

@zantster welcome. It seems like things are falling right into place for you, I totally believe in signs. Good luck to you, this board is a great place for support as well!!

@LeeeLaaa I am very sorry to read about the hurdles you have had to go through. FX that the next round works!!

zantster · February 2016

@tvh1982 Thanks so much for the warm welcome. The new job has definitely been a godsend. Both because of the insurance and because it keeps me so busy that I stay pretty distracted long enough for time to go by without me noticing so much. I'd love to visit Norway one day. I knew a couple of very nice women from there when I interned in Switzerland some years back. Your strength on your journey is also evident in your signature and I am an admirer.

@LeeeLaaa I truly wish that I could tell you something new and reassuring based on my own experience with IVF but this is my first rodeo so I'm still learning that part myself. What I do know about the entire TTC journey is that you have to always remind yourself that you and your partner and/or donor are doing everything within your control and that is all you can do. We are all doing everything within our limited power. And it is not our fault any more than other health issues like cancer, MS, etc., that affect people are their fault. Crying can be very therapeutic. I've done loads of crying. Then I get up and keep going. Because our journeys are not over. You are not menopausal. So it's not over. A THB or 2 or 3 is still possible for all of us. And in the meantime we will be there for each other like we are now. Try to pamper yourself this weekend and never give up.

tvh1982 · February 2016

Aw thank you @zantster that was really kind

Norway is lovely, definitely worth the visit, Ill can be your guide in rainy Bergen if you ever come this way!

zantster · February 2016

@tvh1982 DH is from the UK and I'm from Michigan where we live now. We typically get to the euro zone once a year to visit his family for Xmas. So thanks for the offer. I'll put Bergen on the list for whenever we get time (and money) to do some more exploring. There's lots of good things to do around Detroit as well that we can show you if you ever get to visit.

tvh1982 · February 2016

Definitely safe up first. Living here for 10 years and still am in shock about costs

vssbrm · February 2016

@zantster I am from MI, Detroit area as well!!

LeeeLaaa · March 2016

LeeeLaaa said:

Hi,
I do not know the lingo yet I ma sorry. I feel like a lone ship in a big ocean. I am going on my 3rd implantation in the near future. My first 2 failed 1 being a Hi, not sure how to start out here so here goes. I have been seeing a Dr for over a year, we have had a lot of bad luck to the point I wonder if God dosnt want me to have a baby. We chose to have donor eggs because of my family history, our first donor disappeared. Our second donors eggs all died before implantation. Our 3rd donor gave us a football team but after genetic testing we had a half a football team.

We implanted 1 embryo our first try and sadly it became a ectopic pregnancy. We just came about to have a second implantation, our Dr decided to put 2 in this time and sadly we had a negative results after 10 days. The odds of having 2 embryos failing to implant is rare. I am sacred and sad. We have another meeting with the Dr on the 1st of march, it will be our last shot at having a baby on our own.
I am terrified and really just want to have someone to talk to. Everyone I know says "oh it will be fine" "you will have a baby no problem" nobody understands that not all of us can just have a baby.

I am needing someone who has done this before who can possibly help my sad mind right now. I feel I will go through the same procedure again and end up babyless again and now not have anymore embryos for me only a surrogate.

My man has been strong but last time he had all my meals planed out how I could not eat certain things but I could eat this. He had been researching and was so excited, when he found out I was not he layed down in bed and we cried.

Can someone tell me they have been through this before. Please tell me I am not done. I just need a shoulder to lean on for a bit...

Well we just got an update, I will be going in for a procedure called a hysteroscopy (it is a small camera inserted into my uterus to see if I can carry a baby) It looks at this point we will need to look into surrogacy. I had no idea how much that cost so we just don't know. I think I will quit posting, I don't want all my bad news bringing everyones good news down. Please don't take for granted every feeling, annoyance, pain, anything. Some of us would cherish those feelings and some of us will never get to feel them, ever.

Thank you for the comments, I may post again if we can afford to proceed. I just don't know right now, a piece of my heart broke today and I do not know how to recover from it.

Best of luck, I hope to be back with good news someday.

tvh1982 · March 2016

I'm so sorry to hear @leeelaaa, but don't think for one second you can't post here because it might bring us down.
We are here for the good AND the bad, so do post if you feel like getting your worries off your chest!
We might not always have advice, but we are good listeners/readers.

GL on your hysteroscope, I keep having faith they find something they might be able to fix.
Sending you one of those big internet hugs.

LeeeLaaa · March 2016

Thank You. tvh1082 I am sorry I do not know how to work all this. I am sorry

tvh1982 · March 2016

Don't be sorry. You are doing good @leeelaaa. Keep going strong xoxo

LeeeLaaa · March 2016

I am not strong right now, even my partner says he dosnt know how to console me right now because I am always strong but right now I cannot even talk about it. I am wrecked, devastated and oh so sad. We cannot afford the cost of a surrogate it is just devastating. I still have hope but it is just becoming a dim light at this point.

I will try to find a board that maybe focus on this kind of stuff and not keep bothering people here. I just appreciate the comfort of speaking about it to someone.

Thank you

tvh1982 · March 2016

This board is about infertility and even though our stories are all different, we all struggle with filling that yearning in our hearts for those babies. So honestly do not think for a second you bother anyone on here. You are most welcome.

I think there is still a little warrior in there, and that dim light is keeping it alive.
If you want you can inbox me, I'm happy to listen, and maybe help you finding that energy back to fight some more. xoxo

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