Not sure where to put this. Just need help. — The Bump
Stay at Home Moms

Not sure where to put this. Just need help.

My husband never makes friends now all of a sudden he makes a female friend. He already told me that he won't stop being friends with someone just because I want him to. Every relationship I've had has ended with my then boyfriend leaving me for his "friend" so I can't handle this friendship. If it was just him and I, I would have already said screw it were done but we have a 3 almost 4 month old son. So I can't just cut and run. I really love my husband and son but I can't deal with my husband texting another women multiple times a day everyday. Any suggestions or advice.

Re: Not sure where to put this. Just need help.

  • Have you meet her? That could help ease your mind. I would just lay it all out and explain why it bothers you. My hub and I don't make friends very well so I hate when he comes home from work saying something about women he works with. Likely it is most men. Good luck. Sorry I don't really have any advice.
  • Is it like his work wife? I was closer to one of my male colleagues than the women but that was because we had the same schedule and our offices were next to each other. But we didn't text a lot.
    I second the meeting her part. Perhaps you invite her over for pizza and then you can see what's up. But I'd be unhappy myself until I knew for sure what her deal was.
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  • My first thought reading your post is that, it's not really fair for you to be holding the actions of others against your husband. It's sad that those relationships ended the way they did, and it sucks that that happened to you. But, it wasn't your husband's fault. He didn't do it. I think it's a pretty drastic thing to consider ending a marriage over.
    If you can look at it that way, and you're still uncomfortable with it, then you need to have a heart to heart with him. But I suspect that once you give him the benefit of the doubt, and like others have said, once you get to know her, you might feel better. 
    Maybe I'm in the minority, but I'm fine with my husband having friends who are women. One of his long-time female friends even stood on his side of our wedding party for him. Now she, and really her whole family, have become close friends of mine too. Also, as I type this, my husband has been texting back and forth with another friend today (who's having a tough day) and she is a she. I'm totally fine with it, and think she's a great person! But, the key thing is that I know them all, and I met them with an open mind. 
    Plus, I have friends who are men, and I'd be hurt/ upset if my husband asked me to give them up. Good luck!
    Married 07.07.07. Mom to 3: Ruby 11/08 and Oliver & Austin 12/11
  • I agree with PP that your husband shouldn't be held accountable for the actions of others. I do think it's fair of him to say that he won't let you dictate his friends.

    Having said that, does your husband know your history with past relationships ending because of a female "friend"? I find it a bit odd that he would know about it and be completely insensitive to you... Something isn't adding up.

    I would also suggest trying to meet her with an open mind. Maybe she is dating or married and you guys could grow a great couples friendship from this.
    dsalz676barrelocarol
  • If she's not hanging out with you as a couple I find that off. But you can't just say get rid of her. That puts walls up with him.
    susubabyDisneyIsabellemaloneykate
  • I agree that it is not fair to hold your husband accountable for others actions and it also does not seem fair to tell him that he cannot be friends with her. I think it would be a good idea to talk with him about why it makes you uncomfortable if you have not yet, hopefully he will be understanding. Although I do not know how he could have the time or energy to text anyone! My husband works full time and I stay home with the baby and by the end of the day we are both way too exhausted to text, all we want to do is sleep.

    I have always found that talking openly with my husband about any fears, jealousy, frustrations or anything that makes me happy, mad or sad makes me feel a lot better; even if it is difficult to talk about. I think that about ninety percent of the time when I tell him these things he had no idea that I felt that way! Or if he notices that I am upset about something I really need to tell him exactly what is bothering me because he can't read my mind like I expect of him. :p

    I hope that all works out for you!
  • I know this will sound weird but try to be friends with her too. A mutual female friend of both of you can help ease your anxiety. Even if you just the time being think of it as keep your friends close and enemies closer.
  • Hm I would feel uncomfortable if my husband made a new friend that was female that was not also my friend. My husband does have a best friend who is a female. She was in our wedding party. He has been friends with her since they were in middle school or high school. I don't have any problem with him texting her. I'm always invited if he gets together with her, which is not very often as we are busy and she and her boyfriend are as well. She's completely friendly to me and they have not ever dated.

    That being said in my marriage I wouldn't feel appropriate having a new male friend that I talk/text with frequently that is not also a friend of my husbands.
  • Honestly if my husband was unwilling to stop being friends with someone he recently made friends with because it bothered me I'd be pretty pissed. Maybe it's irrational but why is his friendship with her more important than his wife's feelings. I know if DH was uncomfortable with a new friend I had just made I would prioritize his feelings over the friendship. 
    doodleoodletrishee13Mama.Anna
  • Honestly if my husband was unwilling to stop being friends with someone he recently made friends with because it bothered me I'd be pretty pissed. Maybe it's irrational but why is his friendship with her more important than his wife's feelings. I know if DH was uncomfortable with a new friend I had just made I would prioritize his feelings over the friendship. 
    This.
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