Baby Shower Registry

KatAttack101 · February 2016

So our baby shower is next week and only a diaper bag has been bought from our registry. I dnt want to seem like a brat but its common knowledge among our families tht after my miscarriage before this pregnancy we are drowning in hospital bills and living paycheck to paycheck. There are alot of essentials on tht list tht we absolutely need and im just getting ridiculously stressed because if no one buys any of it I kno theres no way we can afford the stuff ourselves. Im just so anxious and worried about what were going to do.

goldie987 · February 2016

KatAttack101 said:

So our baby shower is next week and only a diaper bag has been bought from our registry. I dnt want to seem like a brat but its common knowledge among our families tht after my miscarriage before this pregnancy we are drowning in hospital bills and living paycheck to paycheck. There are alot of essentials on tht list tht we absolutely need and im just getting ridiculously stressed because if no one buys any of it I kno theres no way we can afford the stuff ourselves. Im just so anxious and worried about what were going to do.

Just in case QFP.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage but the point of a baby shower isn't to make everyone else buy everything for your baby, its to welcome you to motherhood and shower you with baby gifts. People will buy what they want to buy for you and you should accept it graciously. If you don't want the item, you're more than welcome to return it and purchase something you find more useful with the money.

I obviously haven't seen your registry but if you're talking about absolute essentials, you're looking at big ticket items that may not be realistic to expect your guests to purchase for you. My honest advice? Stop looking at the registry and what has been bought. Let yourself be surprised at what you get at your shower, accept it with a smile and be glad that it's one less item you won't need to get, no matter how small.

WinniethePoohsPants · February 2016

Oh boy.
@Sgoldberg247, I'm leaving this one in your experienced hands.

KatAttack101 · February 2016

Our biggest item is 118 and everything else is under 70. We can buy the 118 but everything else under 70 I dnt consider too much or unrealistic for a shower. If even just one or two things have been bought. Im not going to be ungrateful for gifts. I have always been grateful I just don't see the point in asking for someones registry when you're not getting anything from that. and constantly looking at my registry is something that I have to do so they can guesstimate on what I need to budget. My question was just how can I deal with the anxiety of not being able to give my child what she needs not you being judgemental.

DeePaddy24 · February 2016

KatAttack101 said:

Our biggest item is 118 and everything else is under 70. We can buy the 118 but everything else under 70 I dnt consider too much or unrealistic for a shower. If even just one or two things have been bought. Im not going to be ungrateful for gifts. I have always been grateful I just don't see the point in asking for someones registry when you're not getting anything from that. and constantly looking at my registry is something that I have to do so they can guesstimate on what I need to budget. My question was just how can I deal with the anxiety of not being able to give my child what she needs not you being judgemental.

To be completely fair, you didn't actually ask a question in your initial post...

CourtJack · February 2016

I too am sorry for your loss.

But, seriously? You're complaining about people not buying you the presents you asked for. I'm trying to teach my two year old that she can't act like that.....just for some perspective.

And fwiw: there's plenty of time left for people to buy stuff.

And another fwiw: planning how to afford a child shouldn't depend on the generosity of others. Let this serve as a reality check. Start coming up with ways that you can afford the necessities on your own. You can do it. Many others do. There's a thread on here about where to shop consignment and ideas on how to be frugal.

splsmama2016 · February 2016

Nobody was being judgemental. She was stating that the purpose of a baby shower is NOT to get gifts, it's to celebrate that you're about to become a mother. I'm truly sorry you're stressing over material items, but you still have easily 3 months left before baby comes. As long as she has clothing, a car seat and parents who really love and care for her, you're set. Look into second-hand items for clothes and blankets and other items.

Just be thankful someone is throwing a shower for you. Not everyone is that lucky, as we have all read on these threads. Stop looking at your registry until after your shower. Sometimes stores are stupid and don't scan the registry code, so you never know until the shower itself.

MamaNicoleof3 · February 2016

I, too, am a loss mama. It's a sucky club to be part of. That being said, however, your child is YOUR responsibility to provide for. We lived well under the poverty line when our first was
born and managed to make it work without any assistance. You do what you have to do to provide for your child. Is it stressful and hard? Yep, but it also forces you to dig deep and do what you didn't think was possible. It builds character.

Also, I'm not in a place to purchase a $70 gift for someone. Just throwing that out there.

Bee112309 · February 2016

For what it's worth, when I had a shower for my first daughter, very few things were purchased from it until about 48 hours prior to the shower. That seems to be the case for many of my friend's showers as well; people shop last minute.

As far as what you'll do, as previous posters say, it is ultimately your responsibility to provide for your child. You can get almost anything for a good price second-hand these days (although I would make sure to buy a brand new car seat, as you don't know if a previously-owned one was in an accident and thus unsafe). Check consignment stores, Craigslist, or find a local buy-sell Facebook group for your area. I have found some absolute steals on my local board. The list of things your baby actually NEEDS is small. They need a place to sleep, your boobs or some formula/bottles, diapers/wipes, and some clothes. Everything else can sure be nice to have, but are not necessities.

goldie987 · February 2016

KatAttack101 said:

Our biggest item is 118 and everything else is under 70. We can buy the 118 but everything else under 70 I dnt consider too much or unrealistic for a shower. If even just one or two things have been bought. Im not going to be ungrateful for gifts. I have always been grateful I just don't see the point in asking for someones registry when you're not getting anything from that. and constantly looking at my registry is something that I have to do so they can guesstimate on what I need to budget. My question was just how can I deal with the anxiety of not being able to give my child what she needs not you being judgemental.

I don't think I was judgemental at all, and I'm sorry you took it that way. The reality is that in a few months the baby will be here and you need to figure out a way to provide for them whether people buy you things or not. Budget anticipating that people don't buy anything and if they do, that's great and money you can spend elsewhere.

A registry isn't a "must buy" list, its a guide of items that would be good to have but people aren't obligated to only purchase off of it. It's their money to spend on you as they want.

Also, I do think it's a bit much to expect people to be spending close to $70. Whenever I've been to a shower, I get an outfit and a small item off the registry, I don't spend anywhere close to $70.

Forgot to add - You say you aren't going to be ungrateful for the items you receive but complaining that no one has purchased the items that YOU want them to purchase screams of ungratefulness to me as does expecting people to be spending a particular amount of $$ on a gift for you. Just the way that it's coming off to me.

samsonator · February 2016

$70 for a baby shower gift is A LOT, in my opinion. I typically wouldn't spend over $30 if I'm being honest (unless it's a niece/nephew shower). I hope you have some cheaper things on there. Other than that, check out consignment stores and garage sales. It's fairly common that people don't buy off the registry and get a cute onesie instead...

BabyboyS2016 · February 2016

Vowels. Necessary.

chesterdoodle · February 2016

i totally get your concerns, but try not to be too anxious about it. Did you say giftcards welcome? Some people may just be doing gift cards, some will just give cash. Also, a lot of people dont realize or forget to have the cashier scan the gift so its updated on your registry, so a lot more may have actually been purchased. This happened to me and i had to manually update my registry after the shower.

also if you are registered at babies r us, remember whatevers not purchased at your shower, when you go to "close out" (buy whats left) you get 15-20% off. And you can combine coupons when you close out so bring your coupons (including bed bath beyond coupons - they accept them since buybuybaby is owned by Bbb). And then on top of it open a babiesrus credit card for an extra 15% off on top of everything else. I did this with my first baby and literally got $1200 worth of stuff for $550 after coupons. It was amazing.

Good luck! Hope you have a great time at your shower!

huskypuppy14 · February 2016

I'm so sorry for your previous loss. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Like previous posters said, it is you and your partner's responsibility to pay for and care for your child, no one else's. Many many moms tell me that babies don't need a lot of stuff at first. As long as you have a car seat, a place for baby to sleep and clothes, diapers, and food (breast or bottle), you are good.

Many people don't buy until the last minute, so stop stalking your registry.

Linsbins · February 2016

Wow. I understand you can't buy everything on your list but your baby, your responsibility.

My family also buys stuff cheaper elsewhere, and that way it wouldn't be marked off your list but would be easy to return as it is the same item that's on your list. Ex my aunt will only buy at babies r us because the one by her stacks credit card discounts and coupons, so she can get you more off your list for less $.

KatAttack101 · February 2016

I understand I need provide for our child thts y im so anxious. And dealing with my anxiety and depression isnt easy. My husband has been working mad over time and I've been doing odd jobs and selling some of my prized possessions but with my high risk and extremely uncomfortable pregnancy I cnt do as much. we have been buying used and cheap things and there are only 4 or so things around 70 on our list and everything else is very low priced but our concern is bigger things because even with all the overtime we can barely afford bills and groceries. i literally mean paycheck to paycheck. Its just frustrating because my family bought EVERYTHING for all the other pregnant woman before they even had showers and no one is really showing interest in my pregnancy. Im just exhausted and irritable from stressing myself out.

meggyme · February 2016

Don't stress until after your shower. With smart phones so prevalent now, I wouldn't be surprised if people didn't just look it up in their phone, buy the thing and never mark that it was bought. No need to stress yourself until there's something to stress about. And even then, there are ways to make it work. If you have such a tight budget make sure you're adjusting it for paying hospital bills and buying diapers. Baby showers are all well and good, but kids still cost money.

MsBeachNJ · February 2016

@KatAttack101 I'm sorry to hear about your struggles but try not to stress out about your shower or you'll just ruin the experience. Whatever you receive will be more than you had before the shower, and like other posters have said, babies actually NEED very little in the beginning... Promise yourself you'll stop stalking your registry & playing out worst case scenarios in your head and just enjoy the party and celebrating with the women in your life who are excited for this baby that you've clearly been waiting a long time for. Focus on that

Huskerfanz · February 2016

What is on your list that you think you need?

Disneygeek77 · February 2016

I understand you are anxious, but you also have to think outside of yourself too. You might not be the only one having money problems right now. If all someone can afford right now is a blanket, well then I guess you are getting a blanket.

jmohio · February 2016

I have to say be thankful for what you do get and it will help the anxiety. I am the breadwinner in my family by a lot and I lost my job a few months ago due to the pregnancy. We can't quite make our bills let alone items for the baby. And we aren't having a baby shower since we just moved 400+ miles from anyone we know and don't really know anyone here.

I got great advice that you don't actually need a lot for a new born I am sure some of the STM can help with the exacts. I shop at Once Upon a Child and keep an eye out for consignment sales in my area. Knowing exactly what you HAVE to have helps with the anxiety trust me it helped me.

violetmarie61516 · February 2016

You are probably thinking more items are essential than really are to be honest. Like pp said, you shouldn't plan on anyone buying you anything you really need. I'm very sorry for your loss. That being said, we've struggled and spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. We also do not make a lot of money but we make it work. You need to figure out what are the important things. If you are REALLY that concerned about having necessary items, you should have planned ahead and paid off the bills prior to trying for another pregnancy.

berky84 · February 2016

I completely get being stressed by this and don't find a lot of the PP helpful. I'm sorry your stressed and worried about money. I hope you end up getting the help and support from others you want/need. In the meantime I'd make a list of the absolute essentials. Things you 100% need from day one (I think the list will be short) and just start there. You can add stuff as it comes up/you can afford it. When I get stressed about money with my
baby I just try remind myself that people with a lot less resources than me have made it work so I know I can too. Good luck!

jlgriff11 · February 2016

Here's the thing.

Nobody has to buy you anything. Not one single thing. It's not in blood writing or contract anywhere in this world that says family, friends, co-workers, great-aunts, anyone has to buy you or that baby a single thing. Not ONE THING is promised to you. I don't care if they bought your third cousin Helen's entire layette and a crib too.

They owe you absolutely nothing.

The sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you can be grateful for what you do get. You are not entitled to gifts from anyone.

I get living paycheck to paycheck, I really really do, but ultimately it's 100% your responsibility with your husband to provide for the child you decided to bring into the world.

NicknShan · February 2016

So much good advice here. You are not entitled to any gifts. Period.

Secondly, looking at your post history, I remember your story that you paid for a banquet hall for your own shower. If you are living paycheck to paycheck, you should not be hosting your own shower, at a banquet hall you have to pay for, when you cannot provide "essentials" for you own child.

There is very little they "need".

bankssl1 · February 2016

KatAttack101 It sounds like your family may be able to qualify for government assistance, I have absolutely no idea what the qualifications are but it's worth looking into.

lm45678 · February 2016

I agree with all PP's but will add 2 thoughts:

1) I'm a last minute shopper and so are many other people. They may just be waiting until they get a chance to go this week.

2) My husbands family literally doesn't understand registries- my SIL got a ton of stuff off her registry that wasn't checked off because they didn't realize they were supposed to scan it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Try to relax and enjoy the positive, a healthy baby that will be here before you know it!

purplefan1 · March 2016

I'm sorry for your loss but please keep in mind when you are responding that many of us have also dealt with losses as well as difficulty conceiving. So we don't just blindly give advice but give you the feedback it *looks* like you were asking for.

All of the PP are correct, many people wait until last minute to buy gifts, some see what you are registered for and shop to find it cheaper than what is listed, and some people like to online shop which doesn't always come off registries.

I'm surprised you are having a shower this early. But I suppose on the bright side after the shower you will still have multiple months before your due date to get any thing else you NEED. I stress the word need because honestly, new babies don't need a ton. Food, shelter, clothing, and a place to safely sleep. Maslow's hierarchy of needs here. If you are doing all that, plus providing the baby with love and connection and making sure it is following up with its healthy baby check ups, you are already rocking out the first three layers of need. Don't overstress yourself, don't sweat the small stuff, and find ways to be grateful for this pregnancy every single day. Those are the best gifts you can receive.

ETA: Also check with your hospital and other medical bills to work out a different payment plan. Or see if they have options for charity writeoff's. Most do and you might be eligible to decrease your overall payments to the providers or the total amount due.

purplefan1 · March 2016

Image: https://futureofgolf.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/heirarchyofneeds-e1412171967833.png

dennyandlee · March 2016

I don't think OP is coming back. But I agree with PP. I suppose if i were relying on others to provide nearly everything I needed for baby and didn't see anything off my registry purchased, I might be antsy. However, that doesn't seem to be a very responsible approach. If you knew you had some financial problems that would essentially prevent you from providing for your baby, I probably would have taken steps to assure I didn't get pregnant until I could get right financially. I know, things happen, and I'm sure you are over the moon about this baby, as you should be. Just keep in mind that baby doesn't need much to start and that it is NOT any one else's responsibility to provide for your baby.

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