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October 2015 Moms
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Looking for support--husband travels a lot

ninnyt822ninnyt822 member
in October 2015 Moms
Hi, I have not posted here before, but have been following here and there. I was due in October and had my baby girl in November. Just looking for advice or support if someone is in a similar situation. My husband travels a lot for work--he is gone about half the month, maybe a little less. When he is home, he is such a great help. But, this is my first baby, so being alone with her night after night is overwhelming, and scary too. She is sick now, and being my first baby with her first illness, I am overwhelmed. I have family that comes to help during the day when they can, and I work only part-time. I am fortunate in a lot of ways. But it is difficult to be alone and his job requires travel, so I just need to learn to deal with it and wish I could be stronger. The other piece is that a lot of people don't understand, because their husband comes home every night or maybe goes on a business trip only here or there, so it feels isolating being in this situation. Thank you for any input!
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Re: Looking for support--husband travels a lot

  • carmv01carmv01 member
    My husband only goes on business trips occasionally and usually just for a day but this weekend he is going to Australia for a week. I can relate to your pain because I feel like I'll be a single mom!! This is my first as well and sometimes it's just nice having that "backup" when you're feeling overwhelmed. Obviously it's not the same situation as yours since your husband travels a lot more, but I can totally see how this would be isolating for you :( My plan is to have some family come over to keep me company, keep myself busy, go to the gym like I normally do (ours has childcare services), and just take it one day at a time. I don't know how I would do it if he traveled often so I give you a lot of credit!! You're already so strong in my book! Hang in there, mama :)
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  • jlynnd75jlynnd75 member
    Lurking from November... My husband doesn't travel for work anymore, he recently got out of the Navy and as crazy as this sounds I swear he's gone more now with his job than when he was enlisted. He only got the day off our son was born, which we are so thankful for, but I literally did everything myself. I'm a FTM also and looking back can't believe I've even survived just from the intense lack of sleep I was running off of because I didn't have any help from family. He works such long hours when he comes home he will help out a little but for the most part goes to bed after dinner. And honestly I don't blame him, I don't work and we've been fortunate enough that I can stay home. All I can say is hang in there. I will be thinking of you. When it gets frustrating and hard for me I try to just take a nap because half the time I'm annoyed because I'm so tired lol He's a great dad and what works for us is the weekends he is off he takes over completely and it's nice to just get a little break. We deserve that ;)
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  • ninnyt822ninnyt822 member
    Thank you for the support!
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  • sarapagansarapagan member
    edited February 2016
    I know how difficult it can be to feel so alone. While my husband doesn't travel, he does work nights and we hardly see each other. He works 4pm til 4am. And I leave for work at 630 and return at 330. Our relationship survives on sweet texts and short conversations on the phone whenever he gets a break. So I would suggest you guys communicate as much as possible even if its just short and sweet <3
     As for help with baby, I'm so happy your husband is such a good daddy and so helpful when he is around! I think you are doing all the right things by allowing family to help when they can. I do the same thing! I bring my two kiddos to my moms once a week to have dinner and let them play while I relax for a couple of hours. Also, maybe see if someone can watch baby so you can go have a pedicure or massage or even a drink with a girlfriend! Hang in there :)
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  • KristynLee15KristynLee15 member
    My husband is a marine and he is gone ALOT so i feel your pain. My biggest suggestion is ASK FOR HELP. Even if its 15 mins to take a shower. If you have your baby in daycare or a babysitter while you work. See if you can pick them up maybe a half an hour later to have 30 mins to yourself even if its just to sit in the quiet car. 
       I dont have much family around available to help so i take full advantage of daycare. I pay for full tome but i was rushing to pick her up at 2. I have now pushed that to 3 (still 2 hours earier than daycare ends) and i take that hour to usually sit at the coffee shop. Or for example today i went home and colored my hair and waxed my legs. 
      Please dont say youre not strong. Its really hard feeling like a single mom when you're technically not. I have found that when DH is home its sometimes more overwhelming because he distrupts our schedule. 

    Sorry for the novel, but i feel for you
    Keep your head up mama!!

    PM me if you ever need to talk!!
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  • jlynnd75jlynnd75 member
    Like pp said isn't is funny how having them home sometimes does seem to throw your 'normal' or schedule off. I told one of my other girlfriends that this morning and she just laughed. I'm glad I'm not the only mommy who agrees  :p
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  • posey1005posey1005 member
    Wow, that must be really tough. My husband travels only occasionally but works very long hours. He's gone from 6am until about 9pm during the week. This can feel very isolating so I can imagine it's a lot with frequent travel as well. In addition to asking for help, I find it's also less overwhelming to make plans and get out with the baby. Going out with others or just going over to my mom's for a bit gives me a break without asking for help. It also breaks up the week. I try to plan out the week ahead of time. Obviously some days you just want to stay at home, but I usually can't do that more than once or twice a week. I'd also look into things to do with baby that gets you out and connecting with other moms. It will still be tough, but doing things for me and for the baby that gets me out makes it feel less overwhelming and isolating. 
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  • BryDientaBryDienta member
    My husband doesn't travel for work but he works from 12-12 so I have to do every night by myself which is quite difficult but nothing compared to doing it all. I am often exhausted after being gone all day at work and then coming home to do everything for the baby but you make it work. I agree with pp that chatting whenever possible is great. I was just on a short business trip for 4 days and skype really helped me to feel connected to life at home. Good luck mama you are amazing to do so much on your own!
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  • cnhw7cnhw7 member
    I have never written on here before but your post was really compelling to me. I can appreciate what you are going through.. It's far from easy and not many people understand. My husband travels extensively for work in addition to working long hours when he is home. I have found a few things really helpful:
    1. Allowing myself to be upset about it some days. It's really hard! (I can be frustrated at the situation without being frustrated with him)
    2. Plan to go out of the house at the time of day when I feel the most alone (for me it's the evening cause that's when he would normally be helping me). Even if it's just for a drive or to the grocery store. 
    3.  Reminding myself that it is just as hard on him as it is on me but in a different way
    4. Finding something I can do after the babe goes to bed that I really enjoy (reality tv is def a guilty pleasure for me). 
    You're a strong woman and sound like a supportive wife so hang in there. 
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  • ElleMF728ElleMF728 member
    When I had my first son DH was living and working in another state.  He was only home on Saturdays until DS1 was over 5 months old.  It was emotionally and physically exhausting but it does get easier.  I'd love to give you a bit of a different perspective. 

    Since my husband has been home fairly normal hours with this baby I've come to realize that in some ways I'm thankful for that difficult time.  I felt like I could handle anything this time around, I was thrown head first into the fire the first time.  New wife, new mom, new house, I felt so lost and confused but I came out of it with an amazing confidence and ability to ask my family for help in a way that I never was comfortable with until I was so desperate. 

    Believe it or not DH being away so much was actually easier on our marriage than when he was home when I had DS2.  When he actually got the chance to see DS1 he not only was willing to go above and beyond, he wanted to because that was time that he really missed.  He was also way more rested so on that one night a week he did ALL the night time stuff, it was amazing to get a full nights sleep.  

    We were also so appreciative just to be with one another that we didn't argue about silly things the way a lot of couples do with new babies (and the way we did with this baby).  We didn't fight about who had to get up at night, or who was more exhausted because we genuinely were just so happy to all be together for that short time. 

    The last positive thing was that having my second baby was a breeze.  I was so overworked, lonely and out of my depth with my first that nothing I felt this time around even compared to the emotional roller coaster I was on previously.  Handling a 2 year old and an infant was a cake walk compared to taking care of DS1 by myself in those early months.  Hang in there! There is a light at the end of the tunnel :)
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  • Knottie35278873Knottie35278873 member
    ** Lurking from N15


    I definitely can relate. My husband is a truck driver and leaves every Monday or Tuesday night around 2 am and isn't back until Sunday between 1 am-8am depending on work stuff. My son literally just got over his first cold (coughing, sneezing, puking, fever, the whole nine yards) and my husband was gone for majority of it and it was awful. My son wouldn't sleep barely, he was nonstop crying, it was really hard. And I had a c-section and had to still take care of the baby all alone because we only had enough money for him to take a week off. And then the newborn days of no sleep. Basically I'm just complaining because I feel your pain lol. I'm sorry you have to go through this too though! Good job to you, it takes a lot of strength to do everything pretty much by yourself!

    Sorry for the rant, I'm sleep deprived and hungry and dealing with a boy who won't sleep very well due to the 4 month sleep regression stuff lol but I hope knowing that you're not alone in the way that you feel helps make you feel better 
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  • millette2015millette2015 member
    I haven't posted here in sooo long, but I just came to visit during a nap and saw your post. I feel your pain. My husband is away every other week for work. And you are right -- it can be friggin' hard. Sometimes you just need someone to vent to that understands what you are going through, and honey I get it! If you ever need to talk/vent, feel free to pm me! It's nice to know you're not alone sometimes. 
    That being said, I agree with a pp that said that one of the ways she survives is to make sure she leaves the house every day. You can go mad not talking to another adult all day long. I have found programs in my community that I can take the baby to (baby friendly ones, so I don't feel anxious about him having a melt down). These include the library, Early Years Centre, the pool, or even just a coffee shop for a change of scenery. I also make sure to go for a walk every day that the weather allows it, for my own mental state. 
    When your husband is home -- take advantage as much as possible! I tend to get stuck in the "I'm the care taker" mindset since it's just me so often, and can have trouble letting my husband take over. I'm slowly learning to let that go and that he'll figure it out while I'm gone, and am taking advantage of the short time that I have him here to go and do some things for me. 

    I hope you can find some balance and ways to preserve your sanity. And in the meantime, vent away! 
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  • ninnyt822ninnyt822 member
    Thank you everyone; it is so nice to have people that can relate!! 
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