Help at home with a newborn?

StayingFocused · February 2016

I'm a FTM so i obviously can't understand what it is like those first few days home. Is it crazy to think my mom might stay a couple days? Am i not going to want to see anyone at all or will i want her to move in?

alylove11 · February 2016

I think it depends on how you feel and who is with you. DH stayed with me for 1 week, but I was in the hospital for a total of 4 days, so his time at home was limited. I could have used him for another week since I had a c-section.

AmberLiz99 · February 2016

It depends on what you prefer. I don't like having family staying in the house with a new baby, but my friend has had her mom come for two weeks for each of her babies and swears she couldn't do without her.

Lyette1206 · February 2016

We told my mom that we wanted space to bond with the baby after the birth - followed by a completely unexpected c-section, trouble breastfeeding, completely overwhelmed new parents... I called my mom and begged her to come (and never leave). Lucky for me, she was flexible enough in her schedule to do it.
But, my mom was awesome. She took care of me, and let my husband do his thing with the baby. She never tried to tell us what to do, how to do it, just helped where we needed her. Cleaned, did dishes, cooked, and just helped. And never said I told you so. I think it depends on your mom, your relationship with your mom, your husbands comfort level with your mom, etc. and I think it's sometimes impossible to know how it'll go until you're in the moment.

almostpriceless · February 2016

This is such a personal choice. I know this doesn't really help, but you may want both within minutes, it's just so hard to know how you will feel. For now, just go with whatever your gut tells you.

amidavey06 · February 2016

Totally a personal choice. With my first I had a c section and a very rough recovery. My sister actually came and stayed with us. I wouldn't have been able to do it with her because DH couldn't take too much time off. She was a huge help with housework, grocery shopping, and just being there for me.

Bear14+ · February 2016

My mom was a lifesaver. DH stayed home the first week, my mom came the second week, I was alone for the third week, and my mom came back the 4th week. The truth is, I didn't realize how much I needed her and appreciated her until the 4th week after a week alone!! Depends on your relationship though...would she help? My mom took care of food, tried to kinda clean, and was there for company for me. This time around, I definitely need her to play with DS!

betheliz · February 2016

With DS, my DH and I were adamant that we didn't want any help right away when we got home--Neither of us had been around babies but much and we wanted to figure out how to do things on our own without any critical eyes looming over our shoulders. But then I had a CS, trouble bf, and a terrible reaction to the pain meds that kept me from sleeping at all in the hospital. We changed our minds and begged his parents to come over right away. This time, we'll be taking any help we can get.

noslen0519 · February 2016

Everyone is different, and you never know how you will feel until the time arrives. I was SO glad to have my mom with me for a week. I cried when she left! It's kind of a tradition that the women in our family stay with their daughters after they have a baby. My g-ma did the same for my mom and so on. I'm looking forward to having her stay agin in June, especially with a toddler running around. She was such a help with cooking, laundry, and emotional support. That being said, not everyone feels the same way. Totally a personal choice!

cdnvb4 · February 2016

Like other posters have mentioned, this depends particularly on how helpful you think your mom will really be, and your relationship with her. Will she actually help with tasks around the house? And will her presence have a calming (as opposed to stress-inducing) effect? In my case, my mom stayed with us for 2 weeks total, with a one-week break in the middle. I don't think I could have done it without her. She cooked, cleaned, did load after load of laundry, watched the baby while I napped, drove me to the grocery store and the pediatrician's office (since I had a c-section and couldn't drive for a while), carried the baby seat, etc. etc. My husband is usually ready for my parents to leave after a couple of nights. He almost cried when she left after the 2nd week. He would have been happy had she stayed for another two! And we both breathed a huge sigh of relief when we asked her if she would stay again this time around and she said she had been planning on staying a week. Especially recovering from a c-section and my husband not able to take a lot of time off, having another set of hands was indispensable.

alysemci · February 2016

My parents work 80 hour work weeks so I'll probably have my husband for a week or so and then it'll be all me. It was like that with my son too and I didn't find it bad. My husband understood I wasn't going to be cleaning much or cooking much because I did 100% of the feedings (breastfed) and 100% of waking up at night and so on. When we got a few weeks out and I wasn't bleeding profusely and feeling like crap I wore him and actually resumed normal life within a month and didn't find I needed any help. I liked the alone time to lay in bed and cuddle my baby. This time around I'll have to play lots of cartoons to keep my 2 year old occupied though!

chelseay416 · February 2016

One of the cons I've heard about from having someone stay with you immediately following the birth is that if you have someone to rely on when it comes to questions about baby, it can zap your confidence in dealing with issues on your own once they leave. I told my mom about this concern of mine and she totally understood. She's going to come out and stay with us a few days before the due date until we're sick of her, but her plan is to focus solely on cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and other errands so DH and I can be the ones to focus on baby. I have no clue how this will actually work or if I'll be able to stop myself for asking her for help with the baby himself, but I'm going to try!!

HeartLikeMine3 · February 2016

It was just me and DH when we had DS and that was just the way I wanted it. If I had a c-section I'm sure I would have wanted more help. Also this time I'll take all the help I can get with a toddler running around.

Tawny87 · February 2016

Personally when my twins came home at 3 weeks age, 36 weeks gestation and one on oxygen I was by myself. It was my choice, and really boosted my confidence that I could take care of my tiny babies without a whole lot of help. My mom did come over once a day to help me give baths or sit with them so I could eat and shower etc. I liked it that way, I generally do not prefer extra people in my space though.

Bee112309 · February 2016

I did not want anyone staying with us or coming over daily when either of my kids were born. With DD1, I had an emergency c/s and a rough recovery, but DH was home for a little over 2 weeks and we did just fine between the two of us. With DD2, I had a normal vaginal delivery, and DH went back to work the day after I came home from the hospital, leaving me on my own right away with a newborn and a 3 yr old. It wasn't always easy, but I still preferred that to having other people in our home.

I find that I feel it to be intrusive when others are here. I like to be able to not worry about if my boobs are put away after breastfeeding, or being able to just lounge around in comfy clothes and rest and bleed and heal. DH and I are both very private, introverted people, though. I know a lot of women love having the help postpartum.

goldie987 · February 2016

I totally don't want to hijack this thread but I have a related question.

For those of you who had your mother stay, did you have any issues with your MIL feeling left out (or vice versa, your MIL stayed and your mom felt left out)? I'm very close with my mom and would love to take her up on her offer to come to stay and help out but I'm just not comfortable with my MIL doing the same thing. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I have to deny her the same "access" (for lack of a better word) that I'm giving my own mom but I don't want to appease her and allow her to stay at the cost of my own comfortability. If it did happen to you, how did you handle the situation?

alysemci · February 2016

Sgoldberg247 said:

I totally don't want to hijack this thread but I have a related question.

For those of you who had your mother stay, did you have any issues with your MIL feeling left out (or vice versa, your MIL stayed and your mom felt left out)? I'm very close with my mom and would love to take her up on her offer to come to stay and help out but I'm just not comfortable with my MIL doing the same thing. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I have to deny her the same "access" (for lack of a better word) that I'm giving my own mom but I don't want to appease her and allow her to stay at the cost of my own comfortability. If it did happen to you, how did you handle the situation?

This didn't happen to me but that's a great question. In my opinion, she doesn't have to know your mom is staying with you. You don't have to hide it but just don't bring it up either. Your MIL will probably want to bring a meal and visit for a bit which is normal. How far away does she live?

MamaNicoleof3 · February 2016

@Sgoldberg247- I agree with @alysemciver. although I have no advice, because my MIL lives 1200 miles away and can't afford the trip here....but I would think she'd understand that it's a bit different to have your own mom with you vs having her there.

goldie987 · February 2016

alysemciver said:

Sgoldberg247 said:

I totally don't want to hijack this thread but I have a related question.

For those of you who had your mother stay, did you have any issues with your MIL feeling left out (or vice versa, your MIL stayed and your mom felt left out)? I'm very close with my mom and would love to take her up on her offer to come to stay and help out but I'm just not comfortable with my MIL doing the same thing. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I have to deny her the same "access" (for lack of a better word) that I'm giving my own mom but I don't want to appease her and allow her to stay at the cost of my own comfortability. If it did happen to you, how did you handle the situation?

This didn't happen to me but that's a great question. In my opinion, she doesn't have to know your mom is staying with you. You don't have to hide it but just don't bring it up either. Your MIL will probably want to bring a meal and visit for a bit which is normal. How far away does she live?

My mom and MIL both live a decent ways away (my mom is 4 hours away, my MIL is about 6) so when my ILs come to see the baby, it'll likely be a weekend and they'll have to stay in a hotel and they won't see the baby in person again until the next time they come down to visit. Since she can't just swing by whenever she wants, I can see her being upset that my mom got to stay with us for a week full time while she only got a weekend and I wouldn't blame her if she was. She just tends to be very opinionated and assumes that we will do things the way she did them, making me uncomfortable with being alone with her since H will be going back to work fairly quickly after the baby is born. The distance is nice and an annoyance since it means she can't just stop by willy-nilly but at the same time, she won't just stop in for a quick visit, it's a planned out weekend every time and it limits her overall time with her grandchild.

alysemci · February 2016

Sgoldberg247 said:

alysemciver said:

Sgoldberg247 said:

I totally don't want to hijack this thread but I have a related question.

For those of you who had your mother stay, did you have any issues with your MIL feeling left out (or vice versa, your MIL stayed and your mom felt left out)? I'm very close with my mom and would love to take her up on her offer to come to stay and help out but I'm just not comfortable with my MIL doing the same thing. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I have to deny her the same "access" (for lack of a better word) that I'm giving my own mom but I don't want to appease her and allow her to stay at the cost of my own comfortability. If it did happen to you, how did you handle the situation?

This didn't happen to me but that's a great question. In my opinion, she doesn't have to know your mom is staying with you. You don't have to hide it but just don't bring it up either. Your MIL will probably want to bring a meal and visit for a bit which is normal. How far away does she live?

My mom and MIL both live a decent ways away (my mom is 4 hours away, my MIL is about 6) so when my ILs come to see the baby, it'll likely be a weekend and they'll have to stay in a hotel and they won't see the baby in person again until the next time they come down to visit. Since she can't just swing by whenever she wants, I can see her being upset that my mom got to stay with us for a week full time while she only got a weekend and I wouldn't blame her if she was. She just tends to be very opinionated and assumes that we will do things the way she did them, making me uncomfortable with being alone with her since H will be going back to work fairly quickly after the baby is born. The distance is nice and an annoyance since it means she can't just stop by willy-nilly but at the same time, she won't just stop in for a quick visit, it's a planned out weekend every time and it limits her overall time with her grandchild.

Well damn that complicates things. I guess you still don't have to tell her how involved your mom will truly be? Hopefully she'll be satisfied with a weekend. Maybe hype it up by making plans for a little later into the summer as well so she can start looking forward to that and get excited for stuff you can do then. You're involving her and you're taking her feelings into consideration so you're doing your part. Sometimes a girl just needs her mama and that's perfectly ok too

rlbrooks84 · February 2016

I have a friend that had a baby last year and her mother stayed with them for over a month. It really affected her self confidence when came time for her mom to leave because she was so use to all the help. It also caused issues with her husband because he was unsure what he was suppose to do. I'm having my third and we always asked for a few days just us and then family was welcome for a few days with breaks between new guest. The only problem I have is my MIL is useless she just wants baby time and doesn't do anything to help around the house! I have to be a nag to get her to help. Just make sure if people do stay with you they understand you need help with house work. Good luck!

lm45678 · February 2016

FTM here- but this is what I plan on doing.

I want the first week or so to be just me and my husband. I think it is really important that we get into our groove and that he feel comfortable with changing, feeding, swaddling, etc. before his family comes in and gives him tips. He's a sensitive guy and doesn't have much experience with babies, so I want him to build his confidence up first. (My MIL can be a nasty bitch - so take this with a grain of salt) After a couple weeks, I will let her stay for a couple of days - but hopefully in a hotel.

My parents live in my town and we have a very close relationship with them (they are also a doctor & nurse for reference). I plan on them coming to help, cook, let us nap, walk our dogs, etc for a short time every day or every other day. This is because I can tell them when to leave, they won't give unsolicited advice, and I'm close enough with my mom that she can help me with nursing, etc.

Obviously my situation is unique- but I really think it's important for mom and dad to bond with baby and grow as a family before you have overnight guests in your space.

WinniethePoohsPants · February 2016

Sgoldberg247 said:

I totally don't want to hijack this thread but I have a related question.

For those of you who had your mother stay, did you have any issues with your MIL feeling left out (or vice versa, your MIL stayed and your mom felt left out)? I'm very close with my mom and would love to take her up on her offer to come to stay and help out but I'm just not comfortable with my MIL doing the same thing. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I have to deny her the same "access" (for lack of a better word) that I'm giving my own mom but I don't want to appease her and allow her to stay at the cost of my own comfortability. If it did happen to you, how did you handle the situation?

When my DS was born I had both Mom and MIL visit for a week each (during separate weeks)

Firstly, I think this depends entirely on your comfort level. If you WANT Mom or MIL to stay with you then by all means take them up on the offer. But, if you feel there might be a chance that you'd be uncomfortable then for the love of all that is holy, tell her she can visit for a couple hours, but she can't stay over.

I understand that you don't want your MIL to be upset, but keep in mind that YOU are the one who is recovering, and will be completely exhausted from night feedings, you'll be sore and bleeding heavily, that that's assuming you don't have a c/s.

Just to compare the difference in help between a mom and a MIL, here's what happened when both moms visited me for a week after giving birth.

My mom stayed with DH and I as soon as I got out of the hospital. I gave her a key to my house, and she would let herself inside in the morning, and clean, cook, run errands, and go food shopping for me while I sat on the couch with my boobs out on trying my hardest to get my DS to latch (I struggled, but eventually we got the hang of it) My mom was amazing, and I bawled when she flew back to her house. The only time she even touched my son was when I asked her to hold him while I napped.

My MIL also stayed for a week after I mom left. When she arrived she would ask to hold DS and say things like, "Here, let me hold him for you so you can cook and clean! I'm sure you'd appreciate a break from him!" She was the opposite of helpful compared to my mom. She'd eat my food, not clean up after herself, and wanted to go sight seeing. I couldn't wait for her to fly back to her own house.

I'm not saying your MIL is as selfish as mine, but unless she's the type to volunteer to scrub your toilet and buy you groceries while you stay home with you boobs out, then don't bother inviting her to stay over. And if she asks you can always say something along the lines of, "Thank you so much, but I'll let you know when I've recovered enough to receive guests."

PBear93 · February 2016

When I had DD my parents drove out when we told them we were going to the hospital. It's an 8 hour drive and we had just moved to Chicago and knew no one. I ended up having an emergency c section and other complications and my husband only had 1 week off work and my first day home from the hospital was his first day back at work. So I was really thankful that my parents were here (my dad left the next day and my mom stayed for a week and then my dad drove back out to get her). My mom wasn't super helpful (she's really overweight and has health issues that prevent her from being able to do much) but she was able to help me when I needed to stand up and she cooked most of our dinners.

Many MIL refuses to get the Dtap vaccine despite there being an outbreak where she lived, so we did not allow her to see our daughter until she was 6 months old and had received 3 rounds of the vaccine herself.

This time my husband has more time off work, and we don't really trust my mom alone with my daughter, so friends will watch her when I have the baby, and then about 1.5 weeks later my parents will come out for a week.

goldie987 · February 2016

WinniethePoohsPants said:

Sgoldberg247 said:

I totally don't want to hijack this thread but I have a related question.

For those of you who had your mother stay, did you have any issues with your MIL feeling left out (or vice versa, your MIL stayed and your mom felt left out)? I'm very close with my mom and would love to take her up on her offer to come to stay and help out but I'm just not comfortable with my MIL doing the same thing. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I have to deny her the same "access" (for lack of a better word) that I'm giving my own mom but I don't want to appease her and allow her to stay at the cost of my own comfortability. If it did happen to you, how did you handle the situation?

When my DS was born I had both Mom and MIL visit for a week each (during separate weeks)

Firstly, I think this depends entirely on your comfort level. If you WANT Mom or MIL to stay with you then by all means take them up on the offer. But, if you feel there might be a chance that you'd be uncomfortable then for the love of all that is holy, tell her she can visit for a couple hours, but she can't stay over.

I understand that you don't want your MIL to be upset, but keep in mind that YOU are the one who is recovering, and will be completely exhausted from night feedings, you'll be sore and bleeding heavily, that that's assuming you don't have a c/s.

Just to compare the difference in help between a mom and a MIL, here's what happened when both moms visited me for a week after giving birth.

My mom stayed with DH and I as soon as I got out of the hospital. I gave her a key to my house, and she would let herself inside in the morning, and clean, cook, run errands, and go food shopping for me while I sat on the couch with my boobs out on trying my hardest to get my DS to latch (I struggled, but eventually we got the hang of it) My mom was amazing, and I bawled when she flew back to her house. The only time she even touched my son was when I asked her to hold him while I napped.

My MIL also stayed for a week after I mom left. When she arrived she would ask to hold DS and say things like, "Here, let me hold him for you so you can cook and clean! I'm sure you'd appreciate a break from him!" She was the opposite of helpful compared to my mom. She'd eat my food, not clean up after herself, and wanted to go sight seeing. I couldn't wait for her to fly back to her own house.

I'm not saying your MIL is as selfish as mine, but unless she's the type to volunteer to scrub your toilet and buy you groceries while you stay home with you boobs out, then don't bother inviting her to stay over. And if she asks you can always say something along the lines of, "Thank you so much, but I'll let you know when I've recovered enough to receive guests."

I would love for my mom to stay and was thrilled when she offered without me even asking her if she would be willing to. Your experience sounds really similar to how I am worried things would go down if my MIL were to stay. I don't think that she would intentionally be unhelpful but I think she would be so excited about the baby that it would end up that way and I wouldn't be comfortable asking her to do things around the house like I would with my mom. I don't plan to invite her to stay but I don't want her to find out that my mom is staying and then try to guilt us into letting her also stay to get equal baby time to what my mom got. She may have been subtley hinting at wanting to stay to help when she asked if we were planning to hire a home nurse after the baby was born (if yes, turning it to "well I could stay instead and save you some money"). We told her no and I did say I wasn't even sure if I wanted to take my own mom up on her offer to stay because I wanted to have as much bonding time with the baby as possible, let along bringing in outside help and she didn't go back to the subject so I'm hoping that she understands where I'm at as far as wanting assistance with the baby. Anyways, thanks for your response, hearing first hand experience is really helpful.

WinniethePoohsPants · February 2016

Sgoldberg247 said:

WinniethePoohsPants said:

Sgoldberg247 said:

I totally don't want to hijack this thread but I have a related question.

For those of you who had your mother stay, did you have any issues with your MIL feeling left out (or vice versa, your MIL stayed and your mom felt left out)? I'm very close with my mom and would love to take her up on her offer to come to stay and help out but I'm just not comfortable with my MIL doing the same thing. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I have to deny her the same "access" (for lack of a better word) that I'm giving my own mom but I don't want to appease her and allow her to stay at the cost of my own comfortability. If it did happen to you, how did you handle the situation?

When my DS was born I had both Mom and MIL visit for a week each (during separate weeks)

Firstly, I think this depends entirely on your comfort level. If you WANT Mom or MIL to stay with you then by all means take them up on the offer. But, if you feel there might be a chance that you'd be uncomfortable then for the love of all that is holy, tell her she can visit for a couple hours, but she can't stay over.

I understand that you don't want your MIL to be upset, but keep in mind that YOU are the one who is recovering, and will be completely exhausted from night feedings, you'll be sore and bleeding heavily, that that's assuming you don't have a c/s.

Just to compare the difference in help between a mom and a MIL, here's what happened when both moms visited me for a week after giving birth.

My mom stayed with DH and I as soon as I got out of the hospital. I gave her a key to my house, and she would let herself inside in the morning, and clean, cook, run errands, and go food shopping for me while I sat on the couch with my boobs out on trying my hardest to get my DS to latch (I struggled, but eventually we got the hang of it) My mom was amazing, and I bawled when she flew back to her house. The only time she even touched my son was when I asked her to hold him while I napped.

My MIL also stayed for a week after I mom left. When she arrived she would ask to hold DS and say things like, "Here, let me hold him for you so you can cook and clean! I'm sure you'd appreciate a break from him!" She was the opposite of helpful compared to my mom. She'd eat my food, not clean up after herself, and wanted to go sight seeing. I couldn't wait for her to fly back to her own house.

I'm not saying your MIL is as selfish as mine, but unless she's the type to volunteer to scrub your toilet and buy you groceries while you stay home with you boobs out, then don't bother inviting her to stay over. And if she asks you can always say something along the lines of, "Thank you so much, but I'll let you know when I've recovered enough to receive guests."

I would love for my mom to stay and was thrilled when she offered without me even asking her if she would be willing to. Your experience sounds really similar to how I am worried things would go down if my MIL were to stay. I don't think that she would intentionally be unhelpful but I think she would be so excited about the baby that it would end up that way and I wouldn't be comfortable asking her to do things around the house like I would with my mom. I don't plan to invite her to stay but I don't want her to find out that my mom is staying and then try to guilt us into letting her also stay to get equal baby time to what my mom got. She may have been subtley hinting at wanting to stay to help when she asked if we were planning to hire a home nurse after the baby was born (if yes, turning it to "well I could stay instead and save you some money"). We told her no and I did say I wasn't even sure if I wanted to take my own mom up on her offer to stay because I wanted to have as much bonding time with the baby as possible, let along bringing in outside help and she didn't go back to the subject so I'm hoping that she understands where I'm at as far as wanting assistance with the baby. Anyways, thanks for your response, hearing first hand experience is really helpful.

GL! I truly hope that whatever you decide, you don't run into the same problems that I did.

btorgers · February 2016

I think it really depends on your relationship with your mom. My mom had planned on coming for the birth of the baby and then my son came 4 weeks early. I had post partum depression/anxiety and lil guy struggled with feeding and those first weeks were rough. My husband only had a few days off so I was alone. As soon as my mom came (she lives out of state) my post partum lifted and we enjoyed the time. I am really close with my mom so it was nice to have her come help out. It really depends on how you feel, with this one I feel like I don't want family there right when the baby is born as I will need to get in my groove with 2. You could always ask her if she can be put on standby if you need her.

splsmama2016 · February 2016

I'm split in the middle. My whole family is within an hour drive, my parents are 20 minutes away. My in-laws are in the DFW area, so we don't see them very often. My parents are not entirely the kind of people who are into helping out with house work, but they'll do it if they're asked. They would prefer to just sit on the couch reading their iPads or watch tv, or go for a walk at the lake. My in-laws though, it's night and day! My mil is amazing, and always wants to cook meals or clean something or just do something helpful. We have to actually force her to sit and relax! My FIL is easy going as well, but he's a little slower moving, as he's recovering sloooooowly from 2 botched prostate cancer surgeries.
My in-laws are waiting to book their tickets out here until we call and say "hey we are headed to the hospital". They will stay with my parents or at a hotel for the week they're here. My FIL will go back to Texas, MIL will stay with us as long as she decides to stay, which could be maybe another week or 2, but she's awesome and has already said she doesn't mind staying with my parents.
The one person I'm REALLY taking up on their offer is my sister. When DH goes back to work, my sister is going to be with me in the afternoons helping me with whatever is needed.

Overall I think I got lucky with my in laws and family being really easy going.

newbabymakes4 · February 2016

My mom stayed with me for a week after DS was born, and it was nice to have an extra set of hands while I figured things out. She did a lot of things around the house for me (cooking, straightening) to help out.

Help at home with a newborn?

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