Any blended families here?

annabenanna · February 2016

I looked on the "Blended Families" group, but it seems like that group isn't very active.

Just curious if there are other blended families out there.

I have 2 stepdaughters (6 and 8) and we haven't decided when to tell them! Excited to get them involved as the pregnancy progresses though.

kpalt · February 2016

I have a blended family. I have a 3.5 year old from my previous marriage and my SO has 2 boys. This is our first child together. It's definitely a different dynamic, especially with bringing a new baby into the picture!

annabenanna · February 2016

@kpalt, congratulations!

Dynamics are tricky, supporting their co-parenting schedule and step-mommying is something I still try and get the hang of everyday.

When are you guys telling the boys and your 3 year old?

kpalt · February 2016

We told my 3 year old last night and are telling the boys on Friday when they come to our house. We had discussed when to tell them for a long time (it took us a long time to get pregnant) and we want them to know right away.

annabenanna · February 2016

I think we are gonna wait till after 12 weeks to tell the girls. Because that also means we have to be prepared for their mom to know.

kpalt · February 2016

Our ex-spouses are also part of the (long list of) reasons that we told them right away. I didn't want them finding out some random way and telling the kids. Also (especially on his side) there will be a lot of negative talk, so we are giving plenty of room for that to wear out and have time to reassure the kids adequately before the baby comes.

Jen080916 · February 2016

I have two kids from a previous marriage (6 and 8). This will be my husband's first. My kids adore him, and the whole household is excited about this baby. It's been smooth sailing so far, but we'll see what happens when the baby gets here and the kids have to share attention with another child.

annabenanna · February 2016

kpalt said:

Our ex-spouses are also part of the (long list of) reasons that we told them right away. I didn't want them finding out some random way and telling the kids. Also (especially on his side) there will be a lot of negative talk, so we are giving plenty of room for that to wear out and have time to reassure the kids adequately before the baby comes.

Does the negative talk ever get better? It hasn't for me despite being in the girls' lives for more than a year now. Their mom still won't say hi when she comes to gets the girls. I've considered reaching out to her to let her know I'm not an enemy. But I dunno, feel like I'll always be viewed as the enemy (even though SO and I met waaaay after they split up)

annabenanna · February 2016

Jen080916 said:

I have two kids from a previous marriage (6 and 8). This will be my husband's first. My kids adore him, and the whole household is excited about this baby. It's been smooth sailing so far, but we'll see what happens when the baby gets here and the kids have to share attention with another child.

Congratulations Jen! I haven't told the kids yet, and I'm nervous how they'll react. The younger one (6) I think won't really know what it all means..... you know? But the 8 year old tends to internalize... so I want to make sure we really let them know that they are loved.

kpalt · February 2016

@annabenanna With the mom, she puts on a fake friendly to me and to SO, but we know from the kids (what they do and say, and tell us) that it's a façade. I had reached out to their mom last year to communicate for the kids' sake and she agreed, added me on FB and all of that, but it's still happening. The oldest's teachers have told SO that they can tell that he is talked about horribly by mom because for a very long time they felt like he couldn't even talk about his dad and what he does with him on the weekend to his teacher, like he wasn't supposed to.

On my side, I thought things would never get better. It was an abusive marriage and he would do anything out of spite, even if it wasn't in the best interest of our child. That actually has gotten better somehow in the last few months, but until it's a long-term change I won't trust it completely. Saying that, my ex cares about my son more than mom cares about the boys so that was able to snap him out of it when my son was able to communicate more to him I think.

It's hard. I say definitely reach out to her and try (you might be surprised!) because it's always best to try and put things aside for the kids, but also being a bit guarded while doing so is not a bad idea either.

Jen080916 · February 2016

@annabenanna thanks! My kids have been asking for a baby brother or sister for a long time so once we saw a heartbeat I went ahead and told them.

I think it's hard when kids try to maintain "loyalty" to a parent after a divorce. If their mother is cold to you (and let's be real, probably says negative things even just off handedly), it's so confusing to the kids and that's so frustrating! My ex used to insult my husband when he had the kids, and he only stopped once he finally accepted that I am remarried now.

jkmix21 · February 2016

I have a 5 year old ds from a previous marriage. This baby is a huge surprise, but we are very excited. I feel like it is a very delicate situation, but my SO is so amazing to my son, he truly is a blessing

annabenanna · February 2016

Thanks @kpalt , I think I will reach out---- but cautiously. I dunno we'll see! I definitely do see the 8 year old hiding things and keeping things to herself. I've tried to normalize the situation by asking her to share what she did with her mom, etc. But I definitely see that she struggles with having to live in "two worlds". Poor thing. Also, I'm glad you're out of the abusive relationship!

@Jen080916 , so funny you mention the negative things off-handedly. The 6 year old once told me when her mom was picking her up from our house "I really really want you to come over for dinner at my mom's house so I can show you my goldfish, but mommy says she doesn't want to see your face." Uhhhhhh.... I honestly blanked.

jkmix21 · February 2016

@Jen080916 My son has been asking for a sibling too! He kept telling me he was going to be a big brother when he turns 7, I figure 6 is pretty close

I still haven't told him, really wanting to wait till after my appt. on 3/14.

annabenanna · February 2016

hi @Cakimmy30 and congrats!

My appointment on 3/7 can't come fast enough! Feels like forever away!

puppymom3 · February 2016

I have a 5 yo stepdaughter. We are not sure when to tell her because we then have to expect the comments from her mother. Her mother is not super stable and makes comments about us. Recently my SD has been acting out, not listening and has been very emotional so we aren't sure we will tell her any time soon..
Step-mommying is a hard and thankless job. Ive taken care of my SD for 4 years while her mother was gone, now she is back and magically the best person ever! It's a tough situation but I'm thankful to have this baby as something DH and I can share together.

annabenanna · February 2016

@puppymom3 , I'm sorry to hear about SD acting out. Poor girl probably doesn't know what/how she's feeling either. I'm sorry you're having to go through this while pregnant too. You're right about step-mommying being a thankless job though. And yes, I feel the same way about this pregnancy.... something SO and I can share together. Something that's just ours.

FemShep · February 2016

We have a blended family. DD1, 10, is from my first marriage. DD2, 3, is from my second (current) marriage. We share custody of DD1 with my exH and his wife.

Truly, I'm very lucky. ExH and I really try to recognize good things the other does, and while we're not exactly friends, we go out of our way to co-parent respectfully. For example, we consult each other on decisions like when DD1 should have a phone, or summer activities, etc. And I have to say that DD1 has been incredibly lucky in her step-parents. ExH's wife is fantastic, and has been a wonderful addition to DD's life, and I think she would say the same thing about my H. DD1 also really likes being a big sister, and in some ways, she has a great situation-she gets the attention of being an only child for part of the time, and the adulation of being the big sister.

There are still problems, of course. ExH and I don't always agree on everything, but in general we can easily find a compromise.

Kaytee1087 · February 2016

@FemShep ExH and I are similar to you guys in that we are able to put aside any animosity we used to carry about each other and focus on parenting DD.

DH is TOO awesome with ExH. They both have way more flexible schedules than I do, so they end up face to face with drop offs and pick ups way more than I do (we have primary custody, but ExH is a cop so his schedule can vary a lot so I just let him dictate when to see her, which is usually every 6 days with his schedule). DH has really been a trooper about it, too. He and ExH actually talk about hockey all the time and ExH gave us his log in for his NHL service he pays for so DH can watch his games since we don't have cable.

ExH grew up in a split house too, only his parents talked nasty about each other all the time and he never wanted to put DD through that, and neither do I, so we are careful. I make sure she can always call ExH (she has iPad so she can FaceTime his iPhone whenever) and tell her it's ok to miss him and that he loves her, because when it comes down to it those are the only things that really matter.

We're even planning a trip to Disney in Feb 2017, all of us together, so we'll see how that goes! It was ExH's idea, but he's right: I would hate for him to miss her first trip to the most magical place on Earth...

AshleyGemini24 · February 2016

FI has 3 children. A 5 year old son. And a set of 3 year old twin girls. This will be my first.

annabenanna · February 2016

@FemShep and @Kaytee1087 , I'm jealous! Someday I hope to get to the peace and cooperation you two seem to have with the exes. For right now, it's so quietly passive aggressive from SO's ex.

klv · February 2016

I have a 4 1/2 year old DD. Her father and I are divorced and he is not around much. I am getting remarried in about a month! Fiancé is helping me raise DD and loves her like his own. This baby will be F's first child.

MzOro82214 · February 2016

I'm in a blended family too! My 2 boys (who are 9 & 11) are from my ExH and my also BF has kids from previous relationships (2 boys who are 8 & 3). My 11 year old has been struggling to accept my BF as the new father figure since he & his brother go to visit with their dad every other weekend. I'm cool with the mom's of my step kids, which is nice, but my ExH is so immature, he doesn't even get out of the car at the exchange place for the visits and this has been over a year already!!! My BF's boys come over every other weekend and they're really good with me. It's really frustrating to see my oldest son still be so unaccepting of my BF.

This is me and my BF's 1st together. We had a loss last year so I'm just praying we make it past that point this time and beyond all the way to deliver a healthy baby!

krzyriver · February 2016

My husband has a 15 year old son that we have custody of. This baby will be my first.

I'm fortunate to have a great relationship with my son. He's going thru a hard time right now. His dad and I got engaged only a couple months after he and I met for the first time. And then a month later his mom got engaged. We got married 3 months apart. And he found out we were all TTC right around when he started butting heads with his mom and stepdad. That's when he moved in with us. So he's had a lot of changes in the last 3 years.

But he's very excited to have a little sibling on the way. He talks to the baby (mostly to remind it that it's the little bean's job to make me miserable lol) and he shows my ultrsound pictures to his friends and teachers.

wegme27 · February 2016

I have an 8 y/o stepson but his mother is hardly a part of his life. She only gets him maybe once a month, sometimes less. It makes me sick. My husband and I have a 3 year old together then this one on the way. I'm upset because my stepson's mother is pregnant too, the last person I'd want to be pregnant with!!!

mothernorth · February 2016

I have a blended family. DH has an 8-year-old boy from his previous marriage and I have a 4-year-old girl from mine. We have a 7-month-old son together and this baby on the way.
The kids adore their brother and are excited for the new baby. As far as the exes are concerned (and this is my personal opinion), we have had no issues with them as far as shit talk concerning our children that we are having together. I don't understand how anything COULD be said, why it would be taken personally if it WAS said (they are exes for a reason afterall), and honestly, who the fuck cares? It's not THEIR life. All you share with those shit heads is your children. If the kids are excited then the exes can go to hell. The exes can go to hell anyway I say. I have no ill will towards my ex or his, but unless they have something important, mature, and proactive to say about all of our coparenting, I don't really give a damn what their opinions are on anything.

mothernorth · February 2016

I would like to make one off-topic side note:
DO NOT BAD MOUTH YOUR EX IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD!
I do not and will not do this. Ever. DH badmouths stepDSs mother and compares she and I almost daily and although sDS and I typically have a good relationship, when DH pulls that crap I know sDS feels some animosity towards ME for it and it's just downright not fair. It doesn't matter how bad of a parent YOU think your ex is, your ex is STILL your kid's other parent and chances are they still love and adore that parent whether they will say it to you or not. Don't make life hard and confusing for these children, please.

lyonbbmum · February 2016

I have 2 boys (11 and 17) and now... surprise!!! I had a miscarriage 6 months goat 10 weeks and we had already told the boys. They were so disappointed when it happened that now we are waiting until 12-14 weeks to tell them - I can't wait!!!

car33 · February 2016

This is my 3rd baby & my bfs 1st. We told my 13 & 9 yr old at Week 5. I was sick & they were worried....I think they are more excited than we are!

car33 · February 2016

@Iyonbbmum awww excited for you!

Knottie85670610 · February 2016

Super blended here, I have a 19yo son and 14yo daughter from my first marriage and was widowed in my 5th month of pregnancy with my daughter. Second marriage we had a son who's now 7yo. Divorced his cheating butt and have remarried in May 2015 to THE ONE I fell in love with 12 years ago and measured all men against. God lead us back to one another and I'm hoping for a boy so we can name him Chance in honor of our "second chance"

krzyriver · February 2016

@Knottie85670610 I have a girlfriend named Chance, so you can still use it even if it's a girl.

chucklescm · February 2016

I have three step children (although we aren't married yet.) - 17,12 and 7. Mind you in only 25, but I'm looking forward to sharing this baby with my partner. He loves kids and is great with them... and so as he's in his early forties, the sooner the better (: so after 11 stressful months we are v excited...plus our child will have the benefit of learning from 3 confident, smart (and sometimes cheeky!! Lol) children. Us stepmums should pat each other on the back...it ain't easy at times.. There should be a group on this lol. Aw well this baby is taking up most of my thoughts and dreams ATM...#excited

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