Grandmother in hospital, not looking too good

KimC2010 · January 2016

I'm 38w6d and my grandmother that lives with my parents has been admitted to the hospital where they live because she is suffering from having high carbon dioxide (exacerbation of COPD) and they found that her kidneys are also failing. They aren't sure how much longer she has. My mom was planning to come down and stay for a week or longer when I have my baby, but now I don't know about her staying even for a few days. If my grandmother passes, I'm not going to have the emotional energy to deal with my grieving, her grieving and a newborn. Also my mom beats herself up about the fact she was visiting me when her dog died a few years ago (and still brings it up like it was my fault she wasn't there), I don't even want to know how much worse it would be if it was her mother. I also don't want my mom to blame me and my baby for her not being with her mother. I don't know if I should encourage her to stay with her mom, come down, or just not say anything about it either way. I don't in any way want to prevent her from spending time with her first and probably only grandchild, but I also don't want my grandmother to die alone. It's about a 8 1/2 hour drive from where I live to where they live, so its not a short trip. I'm trying to not stress about it, but this is just inherently a stressful situation.

Emott13 · January 2016

I would explain to her that you don't want to take time away from her and her mother, and that you're willing to have her visit you and her grandkid as soon as she feels confident about the situation. Don't make it sound as though you don't want her there, but stress that you know how important it is to her mother that she's there for her final days (a thousand sorries, by the way, what an awful thing to go through for everyone involved). THEN tell her that she's a grown-ass adult and can make the decision herself but you don't want to hear about it for the next five years like you did with her dog.

Ok, don't say that last part.

But do remind her (gently) that she is always welcome to visit you and the grandbaby as soon as she feels up to it (assuming that she is welcome) and that you know how important it is to be with her mother. The baby will be around for a long while. Sounds like grandma may not.

OrangeFox · January 2016

I'm sorry you're going through this. Life and death are such scary and intense things. Both my father and grandfather passed away unexpectedly during this pregnancy. Dealing with the grief from their passings and pregnancy has been really tough. My grandfather was a caregiver for my grandmother. And now my mother has taken on that role. Because of this she is no longer available to help me in the same capacity that I had planned. My grandma can't be left alone for more than an hour or two (and even that is not ideal). My mother lives an hour from me. So she can't really come and help/be here to watch my son during the birth of this baby, UNLESS she plans ahead and pays someone to watch my grandma. Unfortunately, it's not really in our budget. :-(

So... I guess my advice to you is to take it day by day. Let your mom know you love her and that you'll be okay with whatever decision she makes. Let her know exactly how you're feeling. And focus on you and baby. Remember to take deep breaths and let yourself cry. Eat as healthy as you can but don't be afraid to spoil/comfort yourself.

kmo8986 · January 2016

So I am in a similar situation. My grandmother has cancer, that they have stopped treating, and kidney failure. She has started hospice care but is continuing dialysis for the kidneys. My mom and step dad have two homes, one about 1.5 hours from my grandmother, and one about 20 minutes from me, which is 15 hours from my grandmother. I am due the 24th and my mom usually spends the winter months near me as it is warmer.

She mentioned once that she didn't know what to do about her mom and I told her that she needed to do what was right for her. I wouldn't be upset or hurt by her staying with my grandmother. She is one of 6 kids so my grandmother isn't alone either which makes it different. My mom got here yesterday and plans to stay through April, if something changes drastically with my grandmother she will leave, probably fly home instead of drive and be there a lot quicker.

For my mom it came down to the fact that my grandmother told her to come, that my soon to be here daughter and my nearly 2 year old wouldn't be little forever and that she should come and not miss out on this. I don't know if that helps you any but honestly, it has to be a decision your mom makes, just be as supportive as you can be (while being hormonal and a new mom)

BarrettJ89 · January 2016

I am so so sorry for this to be happening. This happened when I was due with my son as well. My grandmother, who had advanced Alzheimer's, suffered a massive stroke. She refused to eat, etc. My grandfather doesn't do well under stress, so my parents were running back and forth between us. My grandmother passed the day before my son's due date. The following day I had an appointment with my OB for an NST. I explained the situation and told him that this baby needed to be out and we needed to be at that memorial service... he agreed and induced me that day. I took my son, only 3 days old, to the memorial service. It was hard, but helped with easing the loss for all of us, plus I was still able to be there and grieve as I needed.

The same situation happened to my mom when she was pregnant with my younger brother. She suffered from preterm labor issues for months before my grandfather (her FIL) passed away. Her doctor also agreed to induce her to save from unnecessary stress for her, my dad, and the baby. Plus, nobody wants to deliver a baby at a funeral service...

I hope that your mother is able to understand and make the right decision, a decision she can live with, for herself. There is no right answer and it will with heavily on everyone. Again, so sorry you have to go through this.

KimC2010 · January 2016

Just wanted to update everyone. So either my mom made it sound worse than it was (would not surprise me) or my grandma has made quite the recovery. She was sent back home and now has a home health nurse and therapy. Obviously she can't be too bad off, because of so her diagnoses would have qualified her for hospice if the doctor thought she had 6 months or less.
My MIL is a home health consultant and my DH is a home health RN. They're the ones who said her diagnoses would qualify her.

anightintunisia · January 2016

I'm so glad everything turned out well for your grandma. Blessings to you and your family.

kmo8986 · January 2016

I am glad your situation has turned for the better. Mine just turned for the worse...my grandmother broke her hip and pelvis and needs surgery but the doctors aren't all that optimistic that she is strong enough for the surgery. My mom is taking a flight tomorrow to be there with her before surgery...

KimC2010 · January 2016

@kmo8986 I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

Kellycrazymomma · January 2016

Hugs to all of you in such hard situations. My mom was in the hospital when I had to go in for my C-section because my giant little man wasn't coming on his own. He then landed in the NICU because his blood sugar was so low, making him want to sleep when he really needed to eat. They didn't know what was wrong with Mom yet, but they don't check you in for tests and pain management unless it's serious. It was a real fight for the whole family to keep her from checking herself out to be with us. If my nice in-laws weren't in town, and we were dependant on the ones that live close and seem to lack any kind of filter, we might not have stopped her. Miraculously, he was discharged the day before they had her scheduled for surgery to put in a stint and open arteries in both legs that were 80% blocked. When I walked into her recovery room she cried (even my sisters didn't know we were coming until an hour before when we left-just 4 days post surgery... Better to ask forgiveness than beg permission), but still was very foggy. We brought in the baby, and the fog of pain and anesthesia seemed to wash away. Her worries melted away. I hope and pray for the best possible outcome for all of you as well!

kmo8986 · January 2016

@Kellycrazymomma glad you got to be there for your mom!

My grandmother ended up declining the surgery, and my mom came back on Saturday mid day. Kylie was born early Saturday morning so she got to be here when she was still super new.

KimC2010 · February 2016

Update everyone, my grandmother passed on Sunday 2/21. She had gone back to the hospital and had just gone to a rehab facility that week. She was getting better and they were talking about sending her home. She woke up ordered breakfast had some orange juice and when they brought her food they found her unresponsive in her bed. She really wanted to see her great-granddaughter, but her traveling down in her condition was not possible and us traveling that far with a ebf baby also wasn't possible, but she got to see lots of pictures.

My parents were here visiting so I'll hear about that forever. My mom is super torn up. I'm pretty sad, but I was very prepared. I Update everyone, my grandmother passed on Sunday 2/21.

hannahduff3 · February 2016

I'm very sorry for your loss. Hopefully your mom can come to terms with it and realize it's not your fault.

kmo8986 · February 2016

So sorry @KimC2010 , my grandmother also ended up passing away on 2/12. Kylie and I ended up flying to NY on 2/6 (she was 3 weeks at the time) because my grandmother made the decision to stop dialysis. We got to see her and say goodbye. We ended up staying for 2 weeks to be there through the funeral, my hubby and son joined us for the funeral.

StephEppie · February 2016

@KimC2010 and @kmo8986 I'm so sorry for both of your losses. I can understand how you both feel. I lost my grandma during this pregnancy as well, back in August. After 30 years of fighting breast cancer her body just couldn't take it anymore and it took over one of her lungs and she couldn't breath properly anymore, she wasn't able to expel all of her carbon dioxide from her system on her own. The day she passed was the day we found out we were having a little princess, and I was able to announce it in her hospital room with my whole family around and even though she wasn't awake I just know she was able to hear the news. We just got a new generation of a feisty female now. I miss her every day. I feel
for you both ladies.

bbrownlee1 · February 2016

I'm so incredibly sorry for your losses! I'm very close with my grandparents and cannot even imagine what you all are going through let alone during pregnancy or with a new born. Thinking of and praying for you and your families.

Grandmother in hospital, not looking too good

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