Marriage counseling?

kylaelizabeth92 · February 2016

I never in a million years thought I would be considering this.. DH and I have been together over 8 years (high school sweethearts) and best friends. After our son was born he was so supportive and honestly the best husband/dad I could've asked for. Fast forward to now and he lost his job and we had to move in with my mom (which I love) to save money. He is the most miserable person to be around. I've been dealing with PPD and hate talking about my feelings so everything has just been building and building. Everything I do is wrong, or it seems to annoy him.. I suggest going on dates and he just brushes it off. Today I finally got the guts to tell him I've been feeling depressed and that he hates me. All he did was shrug his shoulders and say nothing.

All day today I've just been so depressed and I feel like I can't even take care of LO. Anyways... I mentioned to him maybe we should go to marriage counseling or some kind of therapy to get some help. He didn't really seem like a huge fan of the idea (shocker) and has since then apologized and hugged me and said he loves me so much and said he was going to work on being more optimistic.

I have no idea where to even start when it comes to getting a counselor. I don't even know what to say when I call. I feel embarrassed and awkward thinking about it. I just don't know what happened to our marriage. It makes me so sad because he is my soul mate and such an amazing guy but he has been such a jerk. Anyways... Sorry for the long post, I just needed to talk to someone about this..

mill1020 · February 2016

Marriage counseling isn't something to be ashamed about AT ALL. It's smart to ask for help, and let's face it, there's pretty much nobody on earth who couldn't benefit from a little maintenance to their marriage from time to time.

We've gone for years. Sometimes more often, sometime only rarely. It's been very helpful, and I can't say enough good things. It's hard at times for both people in the couple, but in my opinion it's very, very worth it in the long run.

You don't have to be embarrassed when you call, either. I think I googled "marriage and family therapist" plus my zip code to get started, then they will ask whatever they need to get you started.

jht4 · February 2016

I agree with the above. You may want to contact your insurance company for a list of in network providers in your area.

hmburchell · February 2016

Also, I don't know if you work but many employers have an Employee Assistance Program that includes some free counseling (and usually refer you to a local provider). There is no shame in seeking to better your marriage!

JenLovesDesign · February 2016

All marriages go through tough times and having a baby is a huge stressor. There are times when you don't even want to be around them, but you stick it out and it will get better. That's why you got married.

J1D · February 2016

(Oct 15)

Check first with your insurance to see who's covered. If hubby isn't keen on marriage counseling, try going on your own for PPD and then later suggestion again that you go together.
Even if he never goes, it will actually help you to just get some counseling for yourself. (Can we say baby free, me time?)
As far as what to say goes, they should ask you or you can kinda joke and say, "we just had a baby, I've got a bit of PPD and things have gotten.. Interesting... At home. We could use a little guidance to help get us back on track."
Chances are you'll say, "we just had a baby..." And they'll say, "Gotcha. Say no more. How does Tuesday work for you?"

It is SO common and SO helpful to get a little therapy/counseling after major life changes and having a baby and losing a job and moving are 3 of the most stressful things a couple can deal with other than a death.

Marriage counseling doesn't show people your marriage has failed.
It shows people you care enough to keep your marriage strong

aw8611 · February 2016

I agree with pp - if you or your husband's company has an EAP, you should utilize that first. It's usually free for 4 or 5 phone sessions with a counselor, and some even offer face-to-face counseling for free. They could definitely refer you to someone if they don't participate with your insurance.

kylaelizabeth92 · February 2016

Thank you, ladies! This makes me feel a lot better about things. I think counseling will benefit us so much. Even if it is just me at first. I appreciate all the encouragement! That's why I love this group

kanga915 · February 2016

It's probably largely him losing his job and his home and feeling like he can't support his family. That hurts a man deep, deep down. Therapy could be a good idea. Also check out the book "Love and Respect."

TabulaRasa25 · February 2016

Family therapy following the birth of a baby isn't a bad thing for any family, from an adjustment standpoint. If you look at systems theory in counseling, the addition of a child/another child resets the balance of a family in a major way. The birth of a child is, along with death of an immediate family member, one of the largest group dynamic-changing events a family can experience, and it's no surprise that families often require assistance navigating the inherent changes healthily. Add this is to any other concerns or instabilities the family is experiencing, and the added stress can cause fractures.

There's no shame in getting an outside hand in recalibrating your family group as needed to restore equilibrium. Modern families have stress poured on from all angles, from more and more diverse fronts than any previous generation. This is not to say that earlier generations didn't face challenges, or to minimize those challenges in any way, but that they come from more directions simultaneously in the contemporary era; families are juggling many more (and a more diverse array of) expectations.

kmcshane0211 · February 2016

In my opinion, counseling doesn't necessary signal that there's something "wrong" but shows you value a healthy relationship. There are A LOT of people who are in unhealthy or unhappy relationships but do very little to support its growth. Go to counseling. Get healthy. And move on.

and I understand being surprised that you and your husband "got to this point". I too have been with my husband for a long time (11 years, married 6.5) and we are absolutely the best of friends and have a very happy and fulfilling relationship. The past 6 months flipped us upside down and we are now just wading through the damage to repair things as well. It's ok! Having a baby is HARD and stressful and requires both of you to do, be, have etc. a very different way of existing and interfacing. Conflict within and between is BOUND to arise.

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