Gender (warning thread contains picture)

Kbalas1018 · February 2016

I just need to know that my feelings are normal and I'm not the only one that is/has experienced this.
My husband and I lost our baby girl shortly after she was born due to Trisomy 13. We are devastated and not only do we miss our daughter, we have been trying to have a baby for a long time and so now we are back to longing for a baby to care for.
I feel guilty that the thought of having a boy next makes me sad at this point. I know when the time comes, if it's a boy I will love him unconditionally, but right now my heart is so desperately wanting another little girl and I don't even like thinking about the fact we may have a boy. I think the biggest part is that we have EVERYTHING for a baby girl and we only got to use a small portion of it. By no means do I want to replace my daughter, but I want to be able to do all the girl things I had been so excited about. Am I being totally selfish? Is this feeling abnormal? Trust me when I say that I am not naive to those struggling to get pregnant who would just want a baby no matter what. I am that person, well atleast I was until I had her. I think this situation is different, but the fact that I feel this way is really weighing on me and I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this.

BornReady · February 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that we think certain things because it helps us in some way or we're working it out in our heads. No right or wrong here, just what you're thinking as you grieve. My loss was early, so I can't relate on your boy/girl thoughts, but I do grieve the loss of how close my children would have been in age, having birthdays only a couple weeks apart etc. That's the thing with loss for me, it's the "what might have been" thoughts that torture us.

chloe97 · February 2016

I have kind of an opposite experience. I really really wanted a girl. I always imagined my husband as a dad to 2 girls, I have no idea why. We never got chromosome testing done, but based on the heart rate and my general intuition, I'm almost positive it was a boy. I feel like my baby new that and this is why it went away. It's in no way rational thinking, but just how I feel. There are no right and no wrongs when it comes to your feelings after a loss.

RiverSong15 · February 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think any and all feelings are normal after a loss. You're mourning not just your daughter, but the experiences you were looking forward to with her. I feel like this is just part of the process. For me, accepting my feelings post loss (even the spiteful and bitter ones) helped me heal faster, and I don't feel those emotions as strongly anymore. Hugs.

catiecatp · February 2016

I think what you are feeling is completely normal, and if you were feeling the exact opposite that would be normal too. My loss was early so we don't know the gender of our baby - but I know we too mourned the loss of the experiences we were looking forward to. It is one of the hardest parts of the MC for myself and DH.

beff12 · February 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think your feelings are totally reasonable and understandable. It doesn't make it any easier that you're surrounded by little girl things, either. Our loss was early but my intuition told me we were having a boy. I don't even know how to feel about the next baby in terms of having a preference. I don't think anyone can fault you for what you think after you've gone through such a hard time.

Kbalas1018 · February 2016

Thank you all for your responses. And I'm so sorry for the losses you all have experienced. It's definitely been hard but I think I've done pretty well embracing the grief because I know it's the only way I will heal at all. This part though I just haven't felt that I could be open about it with most people because unless you've been through it, it sounds kind of trite. The two people I have shared it with kind of brushed me off. You're right though that we are grieving loss of experiences. It makes me so sad to think that I would never get to use most of the stuff that I have and I think it would be so sweet to pass her things down to a little sister. I'm sure if God blesses us with a son, we will feel His peace and I have no doubt that I will be so in love with him.
@BornReady I have miscarried before in as well (2014) and so I know how it feels to be lost in wonder of who your baby would have been. I'm so sorry. I delivered my daughter at 33w+4 and she lived for 30 minutes. I'm so thankful for the time I had, but it went SO fast. All the things I imagined we would do together as she grew and all that I knew she could be is just over. It's so so hard. Have you seen those pictures that show an outline of a child in the photo along with the rest of the family or just parents? It's really cool. Maybe doing something like that in representation of your baby would bring you some comfort.

@chloe97 Sweetheart, we all experience feelings of guilt for different things. It was not your fault. I know me saying that won't magically take those feelings away, but you could not have done anything. I could give you a list of about 5 things that overwhelmed me with guilt until very recently. Maybe you could try doing something in your baby's honor to celebrate his/her life as your way of showing your love and happiness of being their mommy.

@RiverSong15 Thank you for your advice. I have really tried to embrace all that comes because I know I need to even though it's painful. It's comforting when others understand where you are coming from because sometimes I just feel a little crazy, even though I know I'm not. I'm sorry for your loss too.

@catiecatp You're right there's no right way to feel. Everyone experiences different emotions and all of them are understandable. Sometimes not hearing other's voice certain emotions can make us think we are alone in our feelings or that something is wrong with us but there isn't. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I wish we could all help by bringing one another baby's back for each other because I know that's the only thing that would ultimately take away our sadness.

Kbalas1018 · February 2016

My love, Veda Mae.

RiverSong15 · February 2016

Could you please put a TW in your thread title now that this contains a picture? This could be very upsetting to other ladies having a rough TTCAL day.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you find a little more peace every day.

Kbalas1018 · February 2016

@RiverSong15 I have updated the title. Wasn't trying to upset anyone.

RiverSong15 · February 2016

Kbalas1018 said:

@RiverSong15 I have updated the title. Wasn't trying to upset anyone.

No worries! And thank you!

fivetimesnoluck · February 2016

Kbalas1018 - She is beautiful and I love her name.

As others have said, I don't think there are right and wrong feelings right now. You are allowed to think one thing today and something totally different tomorrow. We know that one of our losses was a son and I know that my husband desperately wants/hopes for a boy. I don't have strong feelings about what I want now, besides healthy, but everyone is entitled to their personal thoughts. I am sorry that some of your friends have brushed it off. It's likely hard for them to grasp the depth of it unless they have been there. Grateful you felt comfortable sharing it here. It can be so freeing to get something like that off your chest. xo.

DinosaurJumper · February 2016

It's amazing how it feels when one is no longer alone anymore. I am truly sorry for what you have experienced. You are in my thoughts and prayers, as I cannot even imagine...I'm crying for you right now. She's beautiful and I hope that you and your DH can heal and go on to have a full, beautiful family.

Kbalas1018 · February 2016

@fivetimesnoluck Thank you

and I'm sorry for your loss(es) as well. It breaks my heart every time I connect with another woman who has had to go through this. My husband keeps saying he wants another girl now when before he had kind of hoped for a son. I think it's all just part of the hopes and dreams that come along with parenting a certain gender that we don't want to miss out on. But ultimately we just want a happy healthy baby too. Thanks for being so kind and understanding. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

@DinosaurJumper You are so sweet, thank you for caring so much. Our hearts are very broken but we are clinging to the hope we find in Jesus and embracing the joy as well as the grief that comes along with being her mommy and daddy. It is very helpful to be able to share here and know that there are women who just understand. Your prayers are very much appreciated.

Thank you all for your kindness and encouragement.

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