Working mom or stay at home mom?

knm768816 · February 2016

I'm coming to terms with the fact that financially it will not make sense for me to continue working. Daycare costs + driving + new baby costs = I have to quit my job. I'm devastated. I love my job. Another frustrating aspect of it is that if I had a degree in my career, I would have the option for a better job, better pay etc. So now I'm essentially being forced out because I don't have a piece of paper. I feel like such a failure and I'm afraid of losing my identity when I become a full time stay at home mom. I've been working since I was 16. I also hate that my husband will now have the added stress of the sole breadwinner for our family. Is anyone else dealing with this struggle?

Rosehip15 · February 2016

Could you make a long-term plan to get your degree, maybe part-time, or online, so that you can ultimately have a career?

I hear you. I work, and while I wish I could work p/t rather than f/t, and it's certainly got its stresses, I would be very uncomfortable being totally financially dependent. Plus, I just enjoy the professional respect, decision making and intellectual challenge. Hang in there and make a plan:)

Goocran17 · February 2016

It's actually the opposite with us. I work FT and DH is a SAHD. He has been home for almost 2 years now. He was going to school and working PT, so it didn't make sense for him to keep working PT far from home and us pay for daycare, so he took the plunge. It's not what I envisioned for us, but I absolutely love it. It's stressful sometimes for me being the only income, but what we gain by having him at home outweighs the cons. He's OCD, so our house is always spotless, DH and DD's relationship is incredible now, where he barely used to see her while working, and it's nice knowing she's taken care of by her dad and not a stranger.

It's going to be tough at first while you're adjusting, but I think you will end up in a good place. You can always work PT from home if that is an option. Also many cities have moms of tots programs where you can get together with other SAHM's to let the kids play and have some adult time. Maybe check for one in your area, or join the YMCA so you can have something to do for you away from your child. Sometimes I just take DD out for the night so DH can have some alone time, and that seems to help him tremendously. What about starting school online so that when you're ready to go back to work, you're closer to a degree?

I don't have a degree either, so I know that struggle. I feel like I could be way further in my career with it, even though the more educated people are always coming to me for help! But when promotion time comes around, it's a no every time. Seriously?

ahernandez16 · February 2016

I plan on going back to work. I'm still the primary bread winner by a decent margin even though I only work part time while I go to school. I'll finish in May and go to work full time after maternity leave which would increase the difference in income between H and I substantially. I'll be making what both of us make right now, if not more.

We have toyed with H being a SAHD for a while or scaling back to working only a few days a week but my mom has offered to watch LO full time if we needed it. So while we don't have to worry about paying for daycare which is a huge blessing, I can't help but want one of us at home with the baby the majority of the time while he's so little. So - we'll see.

colesmom33 · February 2016

I feel like being a mom is such a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" thing! I do have my degree and have too much time invested in my career (i.e. retirement, benefits, salary) to quit but I get so much pressure from everyone to stay at home! Especially now that I'm having twins. More than once a week, someone asks how I'm going to do it and won't I want to stay at home with my kids. I have so much guilt that I have to keep working but I know its what best for our family, including my kids! I really think there is no right way to do it, you just have to do what's right for your family. Even with working , there are a lot of days I feel like I've lost a sense of my self when I became a mom. I never knew I would feel that way. This is the one thing that I know my husband hasn't had to struggle with.

BabyboyS2016 · February 2016

@jaceyannie I totally agree with the outside pressure, especially from people in our parents' and grandparents' generation. I make 2 1/2 times what my husband does and would never be able to stay home if we wanted to maintain our living conditions. Their responses are always "No daycare will ever live up to the care Mommy could provide" and "Wouldn't you feel safer knowing your child was with you instead of a stranger?" I always respond that I interviewed the daycare, they are monitored and tracked by the state and he'll start there when he's 3 months old, not 6 weeks. It's like the body and diet comments; the way I gestate and the way I raise my children are none of your business. Would I love to stay home with our son? Of course! But I also pay $600 a month in student loan payments, so I couldn't justify it. My job isn't who I am as a person, but it makes up a big part of my life.

AmberLiz99 · February 2016

I quit my full time job when my oldest was 6 months old, and while I wanted to be home with my kids it is still hard sometimes. I work from home now part time entirely online, mostly after the kids are in bed. It makes hardly anything compared to my previous income (which was very good). The ballence works for us, but it's hard sometimes not having the "status" that I used to. Everyone's situation is different, and I find that the less I compare myself to others the happier I am.

kaitielynnrichardson · February 2016

I too am going to go back to work after maternity leave (not because I necessarily want to, but I have to, as I make a significant amount more than DH). Anyway, I do enjoy what I do, but have kind of been stuck in similar roles for about 3 years now.. I am going to try my best to get a professional certification in Human Resources (to go along with my bachelor's degree), because in order to keep moving up in the world, I need the extra piece of paper. Thankfully our son will only have to go to daycare part time for 5 months before our family friend retires and starts babysitting for us.. Maybe once your LO is a bit older you can focus in on continuing your education so you can go back to work once he/she starts school. And also, you are not a failure by any stretch! Being a stay at home mom is a full time job, and a rewarding one at that! Try to enjoy your time at home, I am sure there will come a time when you will be back at work

Or maybe, so you don't lose your identity, and so you are still contributing to the finances, start a home business? a good friend of mine just started selling LuLaRoe clothing from home. She has repayed her investment in the first month and already making a profit! I know it's not for everyone, but could be an option?

lm45678 · February 2016

jaceyannie said:

I feel like being a mom is such a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" thing! I do have my degree and have too much time invested in my career (i.e. retirement, benefits, salary) to quit but I get so much pressure from everyone to stay at home! Especially now that I'm having twins. More than once a week, someone asks how I'm going to do it and won't I want to stay at home with my kids. I have so much guilt that I have to keep working but I know its what best for our family, including my kids! I really think there is no right way to do it, you just have to do what's right for your family. Even with working , there are a lot of days I feel like I've lost a sense of my self when I became a mom. I never knew I would feel that way. This is the one thing that I know my husband hasn't had to struggle with.

I totally agree. I would love to have the option to stay home until I'm ready to go back- but I know that not losing my skills (or our health insurance!) is what's best for my family.

I've never wanted to stay home permanently, but being able to get at least one year would be amazing. A lot of people question my going back to work and it's hard on me! But I will say that I leaned a long time ago that you can't please everyone!

OP- sorry you're struggling. I echo PP's suggestion of going to school part time or online so eventually you could go back to work if you love it so much

colesmom33 · February 2016

shannonrnbsn said:

@jaceyannie I totally agree with the outside pressure, especially from people in our parents' and grandparents' generation. I make 2 1/2 times what my husband does and would never be able to stay home if we wanted to maintain our living conditions. Their responses are always "No daycare will ever live up to the care Mommy could provide" and "Wouldn't you feel safer knowing your child was with you instead of a stranger?" I always respond that I interviewed the daycare, they are monitored and tracked by the state and he'll start there when he's 3 months old, not 6 weeks. It's like the body and diet comments; the way I gestate and the way I raise my children are none of your business. Would I love to stay home with our son? Of course! But I also pay $600 a month in student loan payments, so I couldn't justify it. My job isn't who I am as a person, but it makes up a big part of my life.

Ugh, those are worst! I also hear "I just would rather raise my own baby than have a stranger do it."

BabyboyS2016 · February 2016

It's 40 hours a week. You have them for the remaining 128. Comments like that bring out pregnancy rage followed by pregnancy tears.

alysemci · February 2016

I made more than my husband but with my commute and expenses traveling into Boston combined with my 60+ hour workweek it wasn't worth it to me. I would have been leaving the house when my son woke up and coming home after he'd gone to sleep. My job revolved around the stock market so I couldn't take a day off unless it was scheduled and planned for ahead of time and I could never leave early. Also, where in in the finance/accounting field it was easier for me to find a job where I could work from home (which I do). He is in the trades so it wouldn't have been an option for him. You should look into working from home, I love it and make my schedule. I don't make as much but I don't have to spend as much with commute and daycare either so it works for us

GinnyJ2012 · February 2016

I started working at 16 also and worked through college. I worked almost every day until I was let go when I was pregnant with DS1. (Temp position) I've been a SAHM ever since. There are days I miss working. I put a lot of time into my education, but I wouldn't trade being at home with my kids. Plus after baby is born I'll have 3u4 and daycare is $800-$1200/month. It wouldn't make sense for me to work at this point.

DH and I buy and renovate homes to rent. I work on the renovations and then show/manage the rentals. We're also members at the YMCA and we get child care while I work out, and it has a pool. Look in to mom groups in your area like MOPS (moms of preschoolers).

ahernandez16 · February 2016

shannonrnbsn said:

It's 40 hours a week. You have them for the remaining 128. Comments like that bring out pregnancy rage followed by pregnancy tears.

Yes. I hate when people say that H STILL won't be as good as our LO having their mama all day, every day. He's equally as much of a parent and equally as capable and 100% more patient than I am and I feel pretty lucky that him staying home or scaling back to PT so my mom doesn't have to have LO M-F, 9-5 is something we can consider and that he's up for.

ashleygray89 · February 2016

Love this! I too have to be a stay at home mom! I have worked since I was young too and had a job in management while going to school full time. I quit my job and took some time off of school to get married and bc I moved almost 2 hours away where my hubby is from. Once I got settled in my new town I went back to work being a bank teller in which I had no expierence and was going to start back to school but I got pregnant and got really sick so I put school on hold again and my husband wanted me to quit my job bc I was so sick and with what I made it wasent even worth me staying bc of daycare and baby expenses like you said. It is a feeling of being useless in our marriage and not being able to contribute bothers me. I have been independent my whole life and always took care of myself so it has been very difficult to adjust to all of this. I think about realistic situations too like what if our marriage didn't work out later. My degree will be unfinished bc honestly now with having a baby and my husband makes entirely too much money for me to receive any financial aid I'll never be able to finish paying out of pocket so what would I do if I became a single mom just being able to work a normal hourly job bc i wasent able to finish school. Probably shouldn't think about those kinds of things, but they happen and it scares me. The only way I have been coping with it is by telling myself I'm doing something he could never do, I'm making a baby and knowing that I'll be the one raising our child and not a stranger at daycare or what not is a blessing alot of children do not get. So I'm learning to appreciate it but it is hard to not feel unsuccessful and to not have any of that independence anymore. It will get easier hopefully!

Boonhilde · February 2016

Why are you worried you'd lose your identity? Is that how you see other SAHM's? As identity-less?

chesterdoodle · February 2016

I will be working with 3 kids in daycare. Makes financial sense for me to kerp working but secretly wish i could be a SAHM sometimes. What makes things harder is that one i announced at work that i was pregnant, i have been totally discounted. My male boss has been trying to find things wrong with my work and has been publicly putting me down. And all of the females in my group immediately distanced themselves from me and verbally said in front of my boss that they would never have more children (they have only one). Being a working mom is really hard, constantly having to overcome discrimination. SAHMs have it hard too, but i really wish sometimes i didnt have to worry about the work stress and could just focus/stress on my family. Grass is always greener though.

mar101483 · February 2016

As of right now, I'll be returning to work after my, mostly unpaid, leave of absence when the baby is born. My H & I make around the same, but he owns a company, has employees and usually, only has to be at a job 6 hrs a week, so we won't be needing daycare. I definitely wouldn't mind working part time for the first few years, but I'm not sure I'd that'll be an option yet.

MynaBird · February 2016

Boonhilde said:

Why are you worried you'd lose your identity? Is that how you see other SAHM's? As identity-less?

I didn't see anyone say anything about SAHMs having no identity. If OP has always worked and considers that part of who she is, then it's perfectly understandable that she would feel like her own identity is about to change. She didn't say anything negative about how anyone else does or should see themselves.

yoshi1230 · February 2016

I am a veterinarian and love my job. My husband and I contribute about equally to the household income and luckily he has his own business so his hours are flexible. I plan to take some time off after the baby comes but have already talked to my boss about the possibility of coming back part time maybe 2 days a week in the beginning and see how that goes. I am going forward with an open mind and see what works best for us when we get there. I like that we both have some flexibility in our work schedule.

purplefan1 · February 2016

I plan on going back in the evenings while husband is home (he works days). Then I can pick up clients on the weekends if needed. Once baby gets a little bigger, I will look in to part time child care so I can extend my hours a little more. Ideally kiddo will be home with either husband or myself most of the time or will be napping while someone else is watching them. I worked really hard to get where I am in my job and I LOVE what I do! I am so excited to be a mom but I am also hoping to keep balance in my life and also help husband have time alone with baby just getting to be dad.

TunieBee · February 2016

Boonhilde said:

Why are you worried you'd lose your identity? Is that how you see other SAHM's? As identity-less?

Sounds like someone is trying to pick a fight...this isn't about other SAHMs, this is about the OP who clearly sees her career as an integral part of who she is.

Personally, with #2 almost my whole
part-time salary will go towards daycare, but I will continue working bc I love my job and am not willing to give up that part of my life. And I can continue my career once they are older. I totally get when you are coming from, OP.

berky84 · February 2016

We can't afford not to work.

My my aunt made a comment "who knows, maybe you won't want took back to work" ...as if that's really an option. Really? Are YOU going to pay our mortgage?

totsabounding · February 2016

ahernandez16 said:

shannonrnbsn said:

It's 40 hours a week. You have them for the remaining 128. Comments like that bring out pregnancy rage followed by pregnancy tears.

Yes. I hate when people say that H STILL won't be as good as our LO having their mama all day, every day. He's equally as much of a parent and equally as capable and 100% more patient than I am and I feel pretty lucky that him staying home or scaling back to PT so my mom doesn't have to have LO M-F, 9-5 is something we can consider and that he's up for.

Amen to all of this. I can't stand when people say shiz like this. It's so hurtful. Every family is different, and really good quality childcare absolutely DOES exist! And Dads are parents, too, they're not babysitters, and they're not doofuses. Ugh.

Hbraun200 · February 2016

I have done all of these! I ran a home daycare to be home with my son, I stayed home with no job other than being a mommy and I worked outside the home. Honestly you have to do what works best for you and your family. After being let go from my job in December I decided I would stay home until baby is 6 months or so and then I'd look for work or go back into home day care. I love being home bur need more to keep me busy. I might even just go back to school! So for now I guess you could say I'm winging it!!

knm768816 · February 2016

@Boonhilde I'm sorry if I offended but I think you might have misunderstood my meaning. I don't think SAHMs are without their own identity. My foster mom is a SAHM and trust me she knows exactly who she is. I think that @TunieBee & @MynaBird hit the nail on the head though. I've prided myself on accomplishments through my work. Like @shannonrnbsn said my job isn't all that I am but it is a huge part of my identity. Growing up I didn't have much of a chance to be successful. The deck was definitely stacked against me. Because of that I have a sense of pride because I know I've worked extremely hard to fight my way from nothing to something. Part of my disappointment is that all of my supervisors, director and deputy director freely admit that I'm an extremely hard worker, capable of doing any of the jobs, and knowledgeable in my job but it feels like none of my experience or hard work means anything when it comes to advancing. It's because of this lack of advancement that I can't continue to work there. If there was a possibility in the future for advancement to a higher paying position then I would stick it out but as it is I'm as high up as I'll ever be able to go and because of that I cannot financially afford to stay. It is heartbreaking though because I love my job and I'm good at it. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. These hormones don't make it any easier either!

I've been referring to it as my eyes are leaking instead of crying because the tears are freely flowing without choice and there seems to be no end in sight. I'm typically not an emotional person either.

cmac827 · February 2016

My husband is in the military and we have to move every 2-3 years, so we have learned to just live on his income and put all my money in savings. We had just moved when I got pregnant. I was looking for a job and quit looking after I found out. I do miss working and enjoy my field, but am excited at the opportunity to stay home with LO.
I just read a study yesterday that said women are happiest if they are working or staying at home if it is their choice vs they have to work or stay at home.

BabyboyS2016 · February 2016

@knm768816 you're not alone. I have my bachelor's, have been a nurse for 8 years and have worked in Administration for 5. I cannot get a management position to save my life. People continuously look for applicants who already have experience; no one wants to take a chance on training someone. Mix in a pregnancy, and my application is definitely different from others. The things we do for our children are the absolute best with where we are and what we know. There will ALWAYS be opportunity cost (tears/eye leakage completely justified). But your decision will be right for you and your baby, regardless of what others' say or think. And in 18 years, when your darling LO looks back, you can say, "I did it all for you."

MeganF08 · February 2016

We are still trying to figure out our situation which stresses me out. H and I make about the same amount of money and have a lot of bills that are mostly my fault (student loans, medical bills from that time my appendix ruptured 48 hours before my insurance kicked in so I got billed $40,000, etc.). I too have worked since I was young and worked multiple jobs in college while going to school full time. A few years ago I was in a position where I had taken a pay cut so that I didn't have to travel every week after we got married. I was so depressed because I felt like I wasn't contributing to our income. I am worried not only about the financial aspect of not going back to work, but also the emotional one as I know I am prone to depression. On the other hand, I am having a hard time seeing me going back and being gone 13 or 14 hours per day as I have a long commute and long hours.

OP- What I am trying to keep in mind if I don't go back to work is that I won't be 'jobless' or 'unemployed' if I stay home. It will be a new venture and no amount of my previous accomplishments can outshine the fact that I created and birthed a tiny human. The high of doing that will hopefully hold you over until you can go back to school or decide to start working again or whatever it is that you choose. Like @kaitielynnrichardson said, there are a lot of home businesses too that you can do while you are home with LO. I started one a few months ago and while it hasn't replaced my full monthly income yet it does help to have some extra each month that will help offset some of what I lose if I don't return to work.

kayla2536 · February 2016

This is where my husband and I having close to opposite schedules comes in handy. He leaves for work at 6:30, home by 4:30/4:45ish. I work 2:30-8 or 6 and Saturdays 8am-1pm.

The overlap, my mom is out of work at 2:30 only 10 minutes away and my boss has no problem with me bringing my daughter with me until my mom can pick her up.

I also love my job and can't imagine ever NOT doing it (martial arts instructor, training since I was 4). Even if I wanted to be a SAHM, we couldn't afford it anyway. I make pretty good money for only working 30hrs a week too with a current 2 minute commute that will shoot up to 10 minutes once our house is built.

MistKeeper · February 2016

I'll be working part time in the evenings and on Saturdays for the first three years. I need the little boost in income, but we're fortunate to be okay with just that. Meanwhile my MIL is trying to convince me to go back to work full time so she can raise my child. I think not. LOL

adiaz132003 · February 2016

This was me 100000000%. I had my dream full time job. It didn't pay a ton but it was my dream and I had to make the same choice. The thing with it is that if I went back to work I worked on a client by client basis and was commission only so there is no garentee that I will have money coming every day. I just felt like why would I out my baby in day care when I can have bad days where I only work for two hours then I sit around and do nothing? I could spend that time with my baby. So we did the math and it made no sense financially do have me go back to work. I was so upset for a while cause I was already on medical leave because of my HG and I had this dread of breaking the bad news to them and kept putting it off. But I did, they were totally understanding and its been a few months of not working and I feel better. Even though I'm bored as hell now, I know I'll have tons to do once my LO arrives. Time does heal and I feel good about my choice now.

colesmom33 · February 2016

joose159 said:

We can't afford not to work.

My my aunt made a comment "who knows, maybe you won't want took back to work" ...as if that's really an option. Really? Are YOU going to pay our mortgage?

This!! People around my office keep saying "I don't think you'll come back" No, really, there is not choice! I'll be back!

MsBeachNJ · February 2016

I'll be working full time, hoping for 1 day a week from home. I'm lucky enough that I work only a few miles from my house so my ideal scenario is that my retired mother-in-law & Father-in-law are willing to watch the baby for us at our home and then I can go home at lunchtime to nurse & spend time with them. DH is going to talk to them about this option this week so praying it goes well!! This is the best case scenario. Our other option will be full time day care, in a recommended nearby center it costs $1200 a month, I have yet to price an -in home nanny but would prefer that route over a daycare center though I know it would likely cost twice as much. I love my job, and I am too high of an income earner in my household for me to ever stay home though obviously I would love to be able to do so for at least the first year. Unless we win the lottery, this will never be an option for us so hoping that the in-laws come through!

Palisson · February 2016

Like AmberLiz99 said: "Everyone's situation is different, and I find that the less I compare myself to others the happier I am."

This is the way I have to think. I should only compare myself to myself in order to make improvements and decisions.

I am unfortunately a workaholic professional and I started working 3.5 weeks after my first son was born. I cried every day when I left him with my MIL. But I refused to let go of my identity- which at the time was completely based on my career.

Then, a year ago I took a demotion (with more pay but less status, working closer to home) in hopes that I could focus on family more and that we could get pregnant again and we did. So now, I've been humbled, am no longer lawyering and we are considering me being a SAHM for our new son- because I never want to look back and wish I had been at home when I was at work.

For us, this will work. No, I'm not a bad ass lawyer anymore- I'm a bad ass mother & partner & lawyer.

alileecam · February 2016

My husband really wanted me to be a full-time SAHM when I was pregnant with my first. I could not imagine doing that at the time--I was 33 and had been working in my field for years and years and basically a lot of my identity was tied up in work. However, when I had him, my feelings changed completely. I never became a SAHM properly, but I ended up taking WAY more time off (over 4 months) and not really feeling motivated to go back. I took a new job, but jumped at a chance to work part-time (taking a huge cut in prestige, pay and benefits) when my first was about 8 months old. There are times when I wish I was firmly in the SAHM or the full-time camps, but this has allowed me to have what I feel is the best situation for us at the moment. I am home when I need to be, but still have a work life and bringing in some income. It's not perfect, but I think it's worked out for the best. I am definitely NOT on the same path I once was, and have had some hard knocks in there due to colleagues not understanding the balance I was trying for. I think the bottom line is that you figure out as you go along what will work best for you and your family, and you'll be able to make adjustments. There's no way to predict how you will feel in a few months or few years, but you'll have opportunities if you want them, regardless of the choices you make now.

splsmama2016 · February 2016

I'm going back and forth on what to do. My income pays some of the bills (car payment, groceries, student loans), as I work 2 part-time jobs. DH is the primary breadwinner, and he has said that as long as I continue ONE of those jobs, we will be ok financially. Ideally, I'd like to stop coaching at the ice rink and concentrate on my sewing. So I'd probably stay with that job, as my boss said she has plenty of hours for me AND I'm able to bring baby to work with me. My parents only live a few miles away from the dress shop so they're also available to help watch her. This way, I can still work a "normal job", be able to care for my child and make awesome costumes on my own at home.

kwife15 · February 2016

This is such a tough one, especially as a FTM. You might find you just really don't want to go back to a full time job once the precious baby is born. Or you might be very ready to come back. For a while, it might feel like whatever you choose is wrong...mothers' guilt is real...

26pointrunningfor2 · February 2016

I've been struggling with just the decision of do I want to take the fall semester off (I'm a full time college professor who's days are usually 8 am to 5/6pm with a 40 minute commute each way), and it's really effing hard. I read this blog this morning. It made me feel better, but the decision is still mine to make and super duper tough.

https://medium.com/life-tips/having-it-all-kinda-sucks-91ea302736e4#.pp1ou11pg

edeibel89 · February 2016

This post actually made me feel a lot better. Like a lot of you, I have worked since I was 16, occasionally more than one job, thru school etc. I had to take some time off of college because I became very sick with a rare disease for a few years, so I don't yet have my degree. I am healthy again, and my dream job pretty much fell into my lap last May. Before that, the plan was always for me to be a SAHM because my previous job just didn't pay and my husband has a fantastic job. Ever since I started here, I've been really struggling with what to do when LO is born. I am in the process of finishing my degree online, which has not been easy between working full time, working on home renovations needed before the baby comes, and just dealing with good ol' pregnancy. I definitely don't want to quit my job, as I really love it and I'm in line for a promotion when my boss retires in the next several years, but my mom was a SAHM and I have a very hard time with the idea of leaving my little boy all the time. And then my boss called a meeting with me and let me know that since one of my tasks is actually for one of our other locations, I will be training someone there to do it, before my maternity leave, and then when I come back I will be part time. I'm incredibly relieved but even the thought of working part time while my mom watches him a couple days a week makes me sad. A few people have said "Oh, I don't think you'll be able to go back to work after you have him, that will be too hard," which makes me feel bad for going back to work, and then others have said "You'll definitely need to work, you'll want to get out of the house," which then makes me feel bad for wanting to stay at home It's such a lose-lose situation and this Mom Guilt is awful, and I've still got 4 months till he's here!

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