tears, a plan, and a glimmer of hope.

roxgibbons · February 2016

I was a mess yesterday and I knew it was going to be a rough day. It was exactly a week since we found out our little one was gone. Around 10:45 am (right about when we found out), I had a complete breakdown. I was crying non-stop and couldn’t stop the flashbacks in my head of receiving the terrible news. It felt like a recurring nightmare. I spent the day at home just taking care of myself and I am so glad I did.

We met with the RE yesterday and discussed our next steps. Hats off to the staff and my RE as they were all so kind, and understanding even when I started crying while registering for my appt. The assistant reached over and gave me a tissue and a hug. I was so glad I was there and not my regular OB’s office. My RE was great and just let me cry and he told me how sorry he was, and explained that in order to give us the best chance possible for next time, he suggested I move forward with the tubal cannulation and the hysteroscopy that I was planning to do before I got pregnant. I was frustrated at first because I wanted to just start trying in two cycles but as he was talking about it, it made sense. Since we are going through fertility treatments, the goal is to give my body the best chance possible. As for the tubes, I asked him that if my tubes were blocked, how was it possible for me to have a uterine pregnancy. He thinks the HSG I had in December may have popped them open or they could possibly be open and they had a spasm during the HSG- but he can’t say for certain until he goes in there and looks. He did say based on the u/s images during my first u/s, the nurse notated the size of my ovaries and based on the measurements he said his best guess is the egg came from the left. I have to wait a cycle before I have the procedures but since the schedule fills up my RE suggested I schedule everything for April- so hopefully by then my cycle will be back.

The totally crappy part is that had I not gotten pregnant, I would have been done with these procedures by now and we would be on to our next IUI cycle. There is nothing I can do about it now- it’s in the past. There is no rhyme or reason why this happened this way- it just did and if I over think it I just get angry and sad. The other thing my RE mentioned is that he is going to put me on BCP once I get AF so that he can do the procedures without worrying about pregnancy or my uterus and ovaries fluctuating throughout the month. I’m not thrilled about that part but at this point I’m going to listen to him and follow his directions. He was positive and gave us what we were looking for- a plan. The tubal cannulation is scheduled for April 5th and I’m just waiting to hear from the surgery scheduler about the hysteroscopy. Although chances are we won’t be in for an IUI until May or June and it really sucks to be benched for so long- at least there is a plan in place and in the mean time I can heal and recover. The plan doesn’t guarantee a baby of course, but at least we will give it our best shot.

Sorry. I know this was lengthy, but I wanted to share.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

Sounds like all steps in the right direction, and I am glad you have a plan with your RE and are back in his office...although sometimes thinking about the timeline like that is pretty daunting. Compassionate medical professionals can make such a difference.

Yesterday sounds like it was rough, and I wish for you moments of calm in with the anger and sadness. I found out about my loss on a Thursday, and Thursday was also the day of the week that the tracking app I was using said was when I started on my next week of pregnancy, if that makes any sense (so tomorrow I would have been 15 weeks), and that always just makes me think of what could have been, and I am dreading as the due date approaches how that will feel. I did just update the app to "healing from a loss."

roxgibbons · February 2016

I know how you feel with regard to the tracking app. This Sunday I got a newsletter from a pregnancy website You're 11 weeks!! I quickly went in and deleted the profile. The day before we found out, I was going through my calendar and putting in each week how many weeks I would be. I had a couple of work trips and a family reunion this summer so I was trying to plan ahead and see how far along I would be. Today I went through and deleted it all. It made me so sad to do that- like you mentioned it's a reminder of what could have been- there are so many reminders of what was just 2 weeks ago. It doesn't even seem possible that everything changed so quickly.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

At least with the app I was using it updated to have quotes about healing and loss as I scrolled through the weeks. I was not sure I was ready to let go of that tracking of where I would have been, but probably a good thing to do. Like you, I had been calculating how far along I would be at everything we have coming up--my grandma would be seeing me next week pregnant for the first time at 16w, etc.

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