Another Shower Question...

pelicanesque · February 2016

So my sis has sent out a "save the date" for our shower a month out because we knew some people would need to adjust their work schedules even though all the details haven't been worked out yet. We didn't anticipate people actually RSVP'ing to the "save the date", but we've already had a few people get back to my sis to let her know they can't make it because they'll be out of the country for work.
My question is, should those people still get the "proper" [emailed] invite, which will have links to the registries? Or should they not because they already said they can't make it?
I can see it both ways: maybe they would like to get the official invite and want to get us a gift even though they can't make it, or just feel like they're somehow still involved/included (gifting will be optional for attendees anyways, so no gifts are expected from anyone not attending, obviously). I can also see it as annoying/potentially gift-grabby (although as mentioned, it'll say gifts are optional on the invite). I'm unsure of the etiquette here.
What say the bump hive-mind?

tgortney · February 2016

I think if they wanted to get you a gift. They would have already asked your sister for your address and where you are registered at. A friend of ours is gonna be out of town during our shower but asked both DH and me for our address and where we were registered.

laurenmdrn16 · February 2016

I can answer from the other side. I got a save-the-date for a wedding that is April 23rd...and I am scheduled for my CS April 20th. I let the couple know way back that I was not going to make the wedding, but I still really appreciated getting the formal invitation. I was able to send in the RSVP card with our regrets and fully plan on getting something shipped to them from their registry. I would say send the invitation anyways so that the recipients feel included, but they may not necessarily send a gift, depending on their relationship etc.

LadySamLady · February 2016

Unless you think those people thought what they received was the actual invite I would assume they're expecting an invitation. If someone sent me a save the date but never sent an actual invite I would be confused. And I really don't think you should worry about seeming gift grabby - it's your baby shower! Most people are aware that shower's and registries generally go hand in hand, but no one has to get you anything if they don't want to.

pelicanesque · February 2016

LadySamLady said:

Unless you think those people thought what they received was the actual invite I would assume they're expecting an invitation. If someone sent me a save the date but never sent an actual invite I would be confused.

This is what I figured, too!

missnc77 · February 2016

This is totally not to be snarky on you, more just a broader discussion. Maybe I'm weird, and this doesn't really answer your question, but is a Save The Date for a baby shower a month out really necessary? 4 weeks is not all that long - it would have probably been better to hammer out the details and send real invitations rather than a Save The Date. That would have avoided this all together.

Wedding related, we got married in a location most guests had to fly into, so we did Save The Dates about 5-6 months in advance with the actual invitations going out 4-5 weeks in advance. This is why people who will for sure be out of town are probably already replying to let you know they won't make it -- it's so close to the actual date, they may feel like they are holding back on you if they stay quiet for the next 2-3 weeks, get an invite a week before the date, then tell you last minute. I can totally see another person having this happen and posting a thread about how their friends knew they'd be out of town when they sent save the dates, but waited until a week before the shower to say anything.

But now that the deed has been done, I agree with @LadySamLady - If you send a save the date, you should always follow with an invitation.

mrstmoose · February 2016

If you send a save-the-date, I think it's only proper to send the formal invitation. I'd be confused if I got the save-the-date but no invitation.

Kurrant · February 2016

I agree with PPs. Months ago I got a save-the-date e-mail for a wedding in may and my reply was something along the lines of 'unless the unthinkable happens I likely won't be able to attend due to pregnancy.' Invites went out and I didn't get one. I do understand that I said I probably can't go but I still felt a bit left out. I would send a formal invite personally.

ayeshaohara · February 2016

Definitely send the invite. You intended to officially invite so go ahead and do it. I would be offended to not receive the official invite as well

Disneygeek77 · February 2016

Maybe it is just me, but I think it would be weird to tell someone I won't be coming to their shower and still get an invite. I would probably think " Ok, I get it. You want something off of the registry."

Plus, to me showers are not on the same level as a wedding. I think of them as the same as a birthday party. So again, if I told someone I won't be coming to their birthday party, I would be put off to receive a formal invitation.

But again, that is just me. I figure why invite someone to a shower when you know they won't be coming.

pelicanesque · February 2016

missnc77 said:

This is totally not to be snarky on you, more just a broader discussion. Maybe I'm weird, and this doesn't really answer your question, but is a Save The Date for a baby shower a month out really necessary? 4 weeks is not all that long - it would have probably been better to hammer out the details and send real invitations rather than a Save The Date. That would have avoided this all together.

We have a lot of friends that work on the weekends, and my sis (who is throwing the party/shower) was dragging her feet on getting everything together in a timely fashion, so yes, I feel like in our case a save the date was necessary so that people could get the time off of work before we got the rest of the details sussed.

Sharra13 · February 2016

OK: for a wedding, YES definitely never send a save the date out without following up with the "formal" invitation, as people have said here. But I look at it this way:
1. It's not a wedding and is no where near the same formality as one, so the same rules don't really apply. Especially considering that the "formal" invitation is an email invite and NOT a card invite through the mail.
2. It's kind of strange to have a save the date card for a baby shower IMHO, so people probably thought it was an invitation and aren't expecting something else.
3. If I pre-RSVP'ed I wouldn't personally expect to get an invitation afterward. I already said no, so does that mean you didn't get my response or you are hoping I change my mind? Do I RSVP a second time??

On the flip side, we have been planning my April shower for a while now and I have mentioned the date to a few people ahead of time, in passing (like, we were having dinner and the subject came up). A couple of them said they probably wouldn't be able to make it after I told them the date. Since it was a word of mouth thing, it wasn't an official "no", and we are sending actual paper invites out, I still included them on the list.

pelicanesque · February 2016

The Save the Date already went out. It's not ideal that we did one, but it seemed the best course of action because we knew that there were people that needed to move around their work schedules and my sis didn't have all the details lined up. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have had to do that, but we're only human and nobody's perfect.

laurenmdrn16 · February 2016

@pelicanesque My MIL sent out Save-the-Dates as well for the shower for my first because we have family from out of state and the shower was on a Sunday so some people needed to take time off work and make travel/hotel arraignments. The formality of a baby shower is really up to the host and, if you had known my MIL, everything was a super formal production. I would've done a super casual backyard pot luck with FB invites going out the week before, but since I wasn't the host I had no control. I think in some instances Save-the-Dates are appropriate if people need to book flights, take time off work etc.

AdorkablePixie · February 2016

I agree with most PPs, I'd still send out the formal invitation. It would be confusing to get the save the date and then not get a formal invitation. You never know either, their plans may end up changing or something and they'll end up able to make it.

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