I feel like it is never going to happen (rant)

queenklau · February 2016

I was having a lazy and sweet Valentine's Day, when I made the mistake of logging into Facebook...
I purposely had erased the FB app, but logged in from the browser. Big mistake.
The newsfeed showed 3 more pregnancy announcements. I couldn't help it but break down and started sobbing (it had a been a while since the last episode). This is so unfair. Everyone else seems to have no trouble conceiving their first, second, third child. I can't handle it. One of the newest announcements is a coworker that got married after we did, announcing quite early, mind you. And here we are, took a while to conceive and failed twice in a row. It feels like it will never happen for us. (End of rant)

chloe97 · February 2016

Ugh @klauerinaking So many hugs!! I can't even tell you how bad of a week I had last week. Im sure I've mentioned this other places, but I have 4 people in my life that are due the same week as my EDD and last week there was a flood of FB ultrasounds because it was the 20 week mark. I had been doing okay until another friend sent a mass email and cued up a reply all fest among my college friends that lasted for days. I was on the floor bawling a few times. My coworker's wife is due the same day as I was. When I was 8 weeks pregnant he came up to me and started telling me all about how she was pregnant and crabby ( not knowing that I was also 8 weeks pregnant). I asked if he was worried about telling people because it was so early, and he was so cocky about how he was so sure they wouldn't miscarry. Well they didn't and I did and I just want to punch him in the face every day that I see him. To be so arrogant about his wife's pregnancy and even now he walks around bragging about his wife and how much she hates being pregnant and I just want to lose my mind. Just shut up already.

H does not understand. He thinks I want people to be sad because I'm sad and that's not it. I just don't want to constantly reminded of what I have lost. And that is what these people are doing to me- reminding me that I had a baby, but that baby had to leave me. And it just sucks.

All of this is to say- just know that we are all going through the same or similar things and we understand and are here to listen! I just have to havbe faith that this is going to get better!! Sending all the creepy Internet hugs!

queenklau · February 2016

@chloe97, thank you so much for the kind message.

" H does not understand. He thinks I want people to be sad because I'm sad and that's not it. I just don't want to constantly reminded of what I have lost. And that is what these people are doing to me- reminding me that I had a baby, but that baby had to leave me. And it just suck" <<<YES, all of this

It was just one of those days...

silentP · February 2016

I'm so sorry. I have been having dark thoughts myself lately. It definitely feels like a punch to the gut when you see those announcements. Even hearing a newborn cry in church today made me tear up. I want to be the one comforting a crying babe.

I wish I could make it better for you, or offer some sort of wisdom. Vent here all you like. I have to believe it will happen to such a deserving person as yourself!

dubcompanion · February 2016

I don't have any wisdom to share. All I can say is that you're not alone.

RiverSong15 · February 2016

Hugs. It's definitely tough, and you're not alone. I've been tempted to log on to Facebook, but have avoided it for this reason. Just know that there is nothing wrong with walking away from Facebook completely. You deserve to be happy and to heal from your MC. If this is what you need to do, then your mental and emotional health is worth it. Don't be afraid to take care of yourself first.

kayham12 · February 2016

A coworker of mine just announced they are expecting a few weeks after I was due. My first reaction was pure joy, they have been trying for almost a year and I know the joy that getting so many negatives. The more it sinks in that I will work with her every day her belly growing and mine not hurts so much. I'm happy for her and I'm sad for me and I feel like it's okay for those things to co exist. I will say that I'm really discouraged that we were benched till April, but it might be what's best for me.

valleric · February 2016

I totally understand. I want to be happy for them, but it's hard. One of my coworkers had her baby 5 days after I was due. Now on fb I see a happy 3 month old, that's what I should have!!! It all just sucks!

NamelessAria · February 2016

It's definitely hard. I think we all know how you're feeling right now.

I just had one of those "It's never going to happen for us! Why won't it happen for us when it's so easy for basically everyone we know!?" episodes about 2 weeks ago with DH. He, meaning well, pointed out that we "only just started trying" and that "some people try for years!" I mean, I guess I could see how 14 months feels like we "only just started" when he's not the one waking up to temp every morning, charting every day, checking CM and cervical position/texture a couple of times a day everyday, etc. But with all the time and effort I'm sinking into trying to make this happen it doesn't feel like we "just started trying." To be fair, I've only been temping, charting, OPKs and such for 7 months instead of the whole 14 so it could be worse. But still, no one else I know in real life had to temp, chart etc at all. Ever. Much less for months.

Although, I suppose what we can all hold onto is that the odds are in our favor that eventually we'll get a take-home baby. Other than that I'm afraid I don't really know what all to say except: consider staying off Facebook. Honestly evaluate how often Facebook brings you joy and happiness. And then honestly evaluate how often Facebook brings you frustration and pain. If Facebook is bringing more negative into your life than positive then I'd say you should seriously consider giving it up. At least until you're past the hard TTCAL part of life. I would think that once you're pregnant again with a healthy baby you'll feel better about Facebook and the announcements won't be so hard. So it isn't like you'd have to give it up forever. Anyhow, it's just something to think about.

Lots of hugs. I hope you feel better

BooksForMe23 · February 2016

Ditto to all the previous posters and much hugs! I disabled my Facebook and don't regret it one bit. It was really a big waste of time anyway.

chloe97 · February 2016

@NamelessAria OMG I think the same thing about my H. He doesn't understand how much of my daily thought process that this stuff takes up. It starts in the am and it just never ends. I'm always checking CM, taking an OPK 3 times a day and checking CP. And I've only been doing this for 2.5 months. I'm sure I would've lost my mind by now if it had been longer.

jlo1019 · February 2016

Totally not alone! I work as a social worker and I see a lot of sad stories. Shortly after I lost my son, I'd see women addicted to drugs having 8 kids, pregnant with the 9th. I heard Stories of babies being addicted to pain pills. My cousin, 17 and unmarried, pregnant. It was everywhere! It's hard to not think "why did I lose my son and they get to keep their baby"? All of my education flew out the window. I was just a very basic human who lost her baby. It flippin sucks. I'm there with you. I wish I had advice but I just try to pray my way through it. Somedays it helps...other times not. Hugs to you!

DinosaurJumper · February 2016

I remember recovering from my last MC, emotionally, was hard. Actually had three of my coworkers get their girl friends pregnant with their second kid all within the six months after my MC. I don't think I was okay until after the delivery of the second baby. Taking a step back from FB is a good idea. And it is totally normal to try to be joyful for another while sad for yourself. That's just how depression goes. The sadness will go away once you have your own take-home baby, but I would suggest trying to find a way to come to peace with that in the next few months. It will help you heal inside. I always thought that I would be fine once I got pregnant again, but I feel like I was supposed to learn a lesson because I never did. Two years later and still one pink line. I know this is mostly a secular website, but God has helped me deal with my jealousy and depression.

And I know what you mean, I think the scariest thing to me was when we started saying "If we have kids..." instead of "When we have kids..."

beff12 · February 2016

@klauerinaking big hugs, lady. It does really sting seeing other people announce their pregnancies. Taking a Facebook break is probably a great idea - not much good comes out of Facebook most days anyways! My cousin and I had the same due date and my SIL is due with their first the day after my due date and it breaks my heart if I think about it too hard. I was around them both recently and cried the whole way home. My H didn't really understand either. He asked if I needed to talk or just needed to be sad, and I went with just needing to be sad. I love them both dearly and am excited for them but I'm so so incredibly jealous.

All of that to say we all know exactly what you're going through.

glamakitti · February 2016

Hang in there hun. All we can do is wait. I am trying not to despair ( I'm sure you feel the same). at how totally out of my control conception is; it sucks... *stands up* Hi, I'm Glamakitti and I am a control freak.

I never set up a Facebook account, reading how much it hurts so many of you I am glad I didn't.

cooaladoll · February 2016

Oh ladies, this thread made me cry. I'm not exactly sure why, but it was somewhere in the middle of the frustration of why did this happen to so many good people, rage at the fact that our bodies seem to be such traitors at times, jealousy of others (I'm absolutely positively jealous of everyone right now cuz you guessed it, 95% of the people I know are pregnant or already have a child) and just simple anger with myself for the timing in my life not being optimal (took too long to find the right man in my life and then too long to realize we wanted children in the worst way). It's strange, as jealous as I am, I do have to sigh and admit I am truly happy for my friends who have beautiful children, and I do smile through the pangs and let myself tear up when I'm in private. I avoided Facebook for a couple weeks but I've let myself peek a couple times more recently. The announcements and happy baby/child pictures haven't lessened, but I guess I'm feeling more comfortable with being happy for them and letting my emotions spill out privately as needed. I suppose it's been a little cathartic for me. Again, I'm so sorry all of us have to go through this and I hope everyone of us gets the take-home baby that we are trying so hard for.

Daisydoodle86 · February 2016

@klauerinaking Oh hunny I feel the same way lately. Every time I turn around, someone else I know is pregnant and really aggressive about it. It's so hard and I've been trying to keep my crying to when I'm by myself, because my DH is the same-- he dioesnt get it. On top of it, my MIL won't stop taking about her co-worker is pregnant with twins (same due date I had veggie our loss) and miserable, and I have to fight the urge to punch her in the face!

I know that it has to get better. I'm sending positive thoughts, creepy internet hugs and wishes for rainbow babies for all us! xo

m6agua · February 2016

@klauerinaking *Hugs* I think all of us feel this way at some point or another. I had one FB announcement for #2 and it stung. I too feel like its never going to happen. I got my first BFP on my third cycle TTC. This was my third cycle TTCAL and I just thought it would happen. Nope AF showed yesterday. I broke down and cried on Monday. It's rough. I just keep telling myself we are strong women and we can get through this.

loveinak · February 2016

@jlo1019 I am also a social worker and I work in child protection with teens who are in custody. After my loss, I had three teens announce their pregnancies and now I work with them almost daily and watch them grow and prepare for the birth of their babies. Two of the three have a due date a week from when I was due.
Some days are just harder than others and sometimes it just seems so unfair. I've been working through it by telling myself that maybe this is my purpose right now and that my turn will come (hopefully sooner than later).

Knottie12904461 · February 2016

When I see announcements on FB I try and remember FB is really about the big positives....they may have tried for a long time, had MC's like us, but that stuff generally doesn't show up on FB. I sympathize with y'all social workers, I have to make a lot of GYN new pregnancy referrals in our primary care office. A lot of them accidents, young kids, etc. Sigh.

Kay6519 · February 2016

I'm sorry your are in a rough spot. I have been feeling the same way lately. I've watched all my family and friends have one or more kids some even unwanted in the time DH and I have been trying and failing. The super fertility PG announcements on FB are the reason I stopped looking at my feed.

Just hang in there. Hopefully it will happen for us soon! I recently had a friend who after 8 yrs of trying and unsuccessful IVF and IUI, concieved naturally unexpectedly. She had given up TTC in October and just got her BFP around Christmas. It gives me hope knowing others have been trying for twice as long as DH and I have, and that they have gotten a BFP.

MamaCoffin · February 2016

Kay6519 said:

I'm sorry your are in a rough spot. I have been feeling the same way lately. I've watched all my family and friends have one or more kids some even unwanted in the time DH and I have been trying and failing. The super fertility PG announcements on FB are the reason I stopped looking at my feed.

Just hang in there. Hopefully it will happen for us soon! I recently had a friend who after 8 yrs of trying and unsuccessful IVF and IUI, concieved naturally unexpectedly. She had given up TTC in October and just got her BFP around Christmas. It gives me hope knowing others have been trying for twice as long as DH and I have, and that they have gotten a BFP.

I'm lucky that I've conceived fairly easily in the past.... Even if making it stick is the hard part. My hope comes from my friend who tried ivf several times to finally get her take home baby naturally when she stopped trying. She was born two weeks and she's perfect and beautiful. I watched her struggle for so long. Seeing her succeed is one of my best memories to date.

catiecatp · February 2016

Anecdotally - I too have a friend who struggled for years with infertility - they went with IVF and her sister's eggs after it was discovered she was going through early menopause (they were in their mid 20's when they started trying). She had 3 take home babies that way (one set is twins) - they had one last embryo to try with and didn't feel right donating it because they didn't feel it was theirs to donate - it didn't take (as I'm sure others didn't) but then her 1 in 100 (or less) chance happened and she conceived naturally (well she had all the fertility drugs from ramping up for the IVF) and now they are a family of 4.

I haven't announced my MC on FB - but I remember that friend and another posting/sharing a graphic that said "I am 1 in 4" or something along those lines on an awareness day. I think I may go that route, especially if we are pregnant at that point. I don't want to hide, but I don't want to share much because then I have to talk about it when sometimes I don't want to.

EDIT: also because I work on 4 month contracts and I don't want my employer to know we are even trying...

queenklau · February 2016

jlo1019 said:

Totally not alone! I work as a social worker and I see a lot of sad stories. Shortly after I lost my son, I'd see women addicted to drugs having 8 kids, pregnant with the 9th. I heard Stories of babies being addicted to pain pills. My cousin, 17 and unmarried, pregnant. It was everywhere! It's hard to not think "why did I lose my son and they get to keep their baby"? All of my education flew out the window. I was just a very basic human who lost her baby. It flippin sucks. I'm there with you. I wish I had advice but I just try to pray my way through it. Somedays it helps...other times not. Hugs to you!

That's nuts. Life can be so unfair sometimes.

Ladies, THANK YOU SO MUCH. This community is really wonderful. I missed all of these encouraging and kind responses while I was out of country. I have read all of them @catiecatp @loveinak@m6agua@Krystinadimare@jenmlangtake2@Kay6519@Knottie12904461@glamakitti @beff12@DinosaurJumper@jlo1019@BooksForMe23@NamelessAria @valleric@kayham12. @chloe97 @silentP @RiverSong15
@dubcompanion , sorry this post came you cry @cooaladoll
love you all!

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