Still so nervous to tell family about pregnancy!

lmtrmama · February 2016

Hello, I feel so silly for being stressed out about this, but I am terrified to tell my family that I am pregnant. This will be our third child. We own our home, and I am a stay at home mom. We do not have thousands of extra money each month, but we have more than enough to pay our bills and extra for fun stuff and emergencies. My oldest goes to a private school. We planned to send her to public school because tuition is pricey, but my grandma insisted on paying for her tuition. So we are financially independent, except for the tuition that my grandma pays. I am sure that we could handle the tuition on our own, but my fiance is not really on board with sending her to private school anyway.

I am not sure if that is what makes me so anxious. I feel strange telling my grandma that we are having another baby and then having her still pay the tuition. I have a few friends that say that it is unrelated. I feel a little excited for being pregnant, but it was really my fiance who wanted to add to the family. We are also getting married in the next month so it isn't the lack of a marriage that I am worried about. Is anyone else not telling family right away? I am not really showing, I just look a little puffy around the middle. Thanks in advance!

tisunge602 · February 2016

Is it just your grandma that you're concerned about telling? You don't say anything about your and SO's parents. From your grandma's actions, it sounds like she loves her great-grandchildren very much and wants to give them every opportunity. I can't see that adding another little one to your family would make her resentful of the gift she has given your oldest.

I think you should tell them as soon as possible. My brother and his wife waited until 19 weeks to tell the family because they wanted to do it in person (they were living out of state at the time). I understood that, but at the same time felt a little hurt that they had kept something so exciting and life-changing a secret from us for so long. The longer you wait, the more obvious it's going to be that you felt you had something to be ashamed of. Let your families get excited with you -- they may surprise you!

MamaKSquared · February 2016

This is our first and I was excited AND nervous to tell family. Really, anyone. I have no reason to be nervous. We've been married almost 6 years, both have stable jobs and own our home. Everyone has been looking forward to us having children and we knew they would be excited, but for some reason, I have been nervous any time we tell anyone. In fact, I usually make DH tell. I can't really help, but I just wanted to say you're not alone!

Good luck!

MamaKSquared · February 2016

tisunge602 said:

I think you should tell them as soon as possible. My brother and his wife waited until 19 weeks to tell the family because they wanted to do it in person (they were living out of state at the time). I understood that, but at the same time felt a little hurt that they had kept something so exciting and life-changing a secret from us for so long. The longer you wait, the more obvious it's going to be that you felt you had something to be ashamed of. Let your families get excited with you -- they may surprise you!

I agree with this. My sister was a little disappointed that we waited to tell her until we were 7ish weeks pregnant (which isn't long at all). I think she always expected me to call as soon as I got a BFP. Honestly, I thought I would too, but we just weren't ready and the timing worked out perfectly for us to tell at Christmas.

tmk0325 · February 2016

We are 13 weeks along and have told close friends and immediate family only. We told one grandpa yesterday and two cousins and that was it so far for extended family. SIL called today and said she accidentally let it slip to another cousin (we have a huge family). Not a big deal... We aren't married, have a tiny place to live, are having twins, I lost my job last year, so we get a lot of strange questions. We have been together 4 years, so i can understand being hesitant about telling people. However, almost everyone I've told has been supportive and I can not wait until we have our next appt next week to make sure everything is going well so we can make a bigger announcement. Personally just go with your gut. It sounds like you have a lot of stuff already in place and just need to tell grandma one on one. Not with a bunch of other people around. I think people will be much more supportive than you think.

smilormarie · February 2016

So I just hit 11 weeks and we had been waiting for the genetic test to confirm everything was okay before telling family. Only my sister in law and brother in law know because we went away for Valentines weekend together. We got the results a few days ago and everything is fine and we haven't told family yet. They all knew we were TTC and we were back at the fertility clinic again. I'm fine with telling them anytime now but since it's been so long and we already know the gender (still so weird to me) it's going to be a little awkward when we finally tell them. I think the tuition thing and stay at home mom thing are totally separate. If they've been bugging you about the marriage thing for a while due to having kids already I could see that being some murky water when you get to it but honestly a lot of people don't associate the two (marriage and kids). I wouldn't worry about it.

lmtrmama · February 2016

Thank you all! I think I'm just being hormonal and the longer I wait, the harder it gets!

elaur42 · February 2016

I'm 15 weeks and we just told our immediate families last week. This is following a miscarriage so I am extra cautious but I don't intend to tell work or extended family until 17 weeks (my next appointment) at the earliest. If I'm still not showing, I might put it off until the 20 week anatomy scan. I know people that told everyone the second they got the positive on the stick! I think it's totally your preference and personal decision!

ShanRum3 · February 2016

This is our 3rd baby, and my DH and I told our kids, and parents, siblings at 11 weeks, but I was super worried about telling 2 of my brothers. They are just typically jerks and talk a lot of sh*t about people, and I knew they weren't going to be happy about us having another child when our youngest son is 6. I work Full time, my husband is SAHD, we have our own home and support ourselves and our other kids, but I still worried about what some family members were going to say for numerous reasons. Several of them think I should be a SAHM, instead of DH staying at home. I also worried about telling extended family, particularly, one of my cousins, who can't have children due to medical reasons. Every time someone in the family gets pregnant, she gets all distant, almost to the point of ignoring that family member completely, and just generally being rude. As long as you aren't pregnant, or recently had a baby though, she's fine. Most of the extended family, found out when we announced on facebook at almost 14 weeks. When I told my Grandpa, he just shook his head turned and walked away from me. That hurt me the most, because I know if my Grandma were still alive, she'd be thrilled about the addition to the family. I found that it's less stressful to just get it out there, and let them think what they want. Once I got it off my chest, I didn't have to worry about what they had to say anymore! I've decided that if my 2 brothers don't want to be part of this baby's life, that's fine, and they don't need to be a part of mine or my other children's lives either! The same goes for any of my other friends/family as well!

lmtrmama · February 2016

I just think it is crazy how people can be outwardly upset about YOUR pregnancy! I have never understood that, I might have thoughts to myself like "why is she doing this again", but I would never actually say it to the person! Thank you for your words, they are inspiring me to put on my big girl pants and be brave. Or have my fiancé do it for me. Lol!

Knottie1427415498 · February 2016

I barely confirmed the pregnancy at 8 weeks..let alone tell anyone . Took home test at 5, but needed to wait for insurance to be active for 1st appt..hubby just started new job ...

riveridgional · February 2016

@Shanrum3 I'm not trying to attack you in anyway when I say this, but you should really give your cousin a break. Based on your comments about her reaction and stating she is "rude" with her reaction to pregnancy news of those close to her, it is apparent you have not struggled to conceive or had true issues with infertility. Infertility is an extremely painful and isolating experience. Trust me, your cousin is happy for you that you are pregnant, but your announcement and especially it being your 3rd is just a huge reminder of something she won't have and depending on words used when informing of pregnancy (not saying you informed her in an insensitive way), it may even come across as a slap in the face. She is mourning the loss of a child(ren) she will never have and the loss of an assumed future. When someone close to an infertile person informs them about pregnancy, it is very difficult to focus on the happiness of someone else without experiencing the pain. Her distancing herself is necessary for her own sanity, mental and emotional health.

ShanRum3 · February 2016

@riveridgional I may not have worded it properly by saying she is rude, but it is difficult to put into words the way she has treated myself and our other cousin. And yes, I have struggled with infertility and loss, so I understand some of the pain she is experiencing. It would be a book if I told the whole story, and I LOVE my cousin, and unless I'm pregnant, we are great friends, but as soon as I'm pregnant, I basically don't exist, and that hurts me. I too have had friends have children when I struggled to conceive, and right after my loss. That didn't stop me from being happy for them while still agonizing on the inside, and crying myself to sleep over the fact that my friends were having babies, while I was not. I still supported them and genuinely congratulated them, and still spent time with them.
I was terrified to tell her, and I cried over how to tell her, and talked to my mom, and prayed about it, trying to figure out a way to shield her from some of the pain. Ultimately, I decided that she would find out in our Facebook announcement, along with most of our other extended family. I haven't posted any updates or anything other than the announcement on social media, because I don't want her to feel like I'm rubbing it in her face... Which would be the last thing I want to do! I haven't seen her since I started showing, and I will see her at our Grandpa's 80th birthday party in a couple weeks. I'm really nervous about that too. I can't hide it, and I won't pretend it doesn't exist, however, I will not be making it a topic of conversation. This is something that deeply concerns me. Almost to the point of having a hard time enjoying or being happy about this pregnancy. It's a very tough position to be in, but I'm trying to find a happy medium, where I can enjoy and share exciting things, while not causing her any more pain.

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