Out of State Shower Questions

Baskett88 · February 2016

Hello All,

I've been sifting through the shower related threads and I didn't see one that talked about this - so forgive me if I'm repeating!

My husband and I moved to Texas about 2 years ago and the majority of friends and family are in Minnesota, Florida, Colorado, Idaho, Iowa, Seattle... and the list goes on. How we all ended up so spread out is a mystery.

My 3 best girlfriends still live in MN, so I am flying in for my baby shower. There will probably be about 10 people who come and we are doing a really low-key pot-luck style shower. We did the same thing for my bridal shower a few years ago and it was perfect.

So here's the question... what do I do with the majority of my loved ones who though fantastic, I don't expect to fly to Minnesota to have a lunch get-together? Should I send them an invite? Or just the announcement card with a link to the registry on the back? I don't want to break etiquette rules, but I don't want to get asked 1000 times from my grandparents and siblings where I'm registered. And I certainly don't want my friend to have to field those questions since the invites to the shower are coming from her.

Suggestions on how to be polite?

MamaNicoleof3 · February 2016

That's a toughie, but I will say that I would NOT send an announcement with registry info. That seems uber gift-grabby to me.

goldie987 · February 2016

Definitely don't send an announcement with the registry info, that goes against every bit of gift etiquette I've ever heard. You may just have to suck it up and give out registry information as you are asked for it.

As far as the shower, I personally wouldn't invite anyone who wasn't within driving distance. That being said, my MIL insisted on inviting family who lived on the other side of the country to my bridal shower and while none of them came, many did send a gift and their well wishes. Personally, I wasn't a fan of that approach as it seemed super gift grabby to me but I didn't know until after the fact so there wasn't much that I could do.

Hbraun200 · February 2016

I'd maybe just send out an announcement with a short note on the back of each. Stating you hope they're doing well and you'd love to hear from them soon ect. And if they want to reach out further they will. If they are a relative you talk to often or are close to like a sister maybe send an invite.

mkemommy · February 2016

I'm glad you asked this shower related question so I don't have to.

I have a bunch of out of town friends who I think are expecting to be invited to any shower thrown for me (and a few of which will fly in but most of which I assume will not...of course, who knows). I don't know what to do with the ones I think won't fly in...I don't want to offend them by not inviting them but I don't want them to think I'm being grabby or anything by inviting them (assuming, again, they won't want to fly in for a baby shower).

Tawny87 · February 2016

Depends on the family member I think. My friend sent an invite to my cousin in Wyoming and my cousin and aunt in AZ, knowing full well they would not be able to go. In my family it was more of the sentiment we were thinking about them and would have included them if there wasn't distance involved. I think it depends on the relationship you have with the people.

Linsbins · February 2016

^this exactly. Last year one of my good friends had a baby, and I would have been hurt not to have been invited. I wanted to send a gift and well wishes for her party, and even though I'm 1000 miles away I'm glad I was invited and not just sent an announcement. Do what you think is right depending on the relationship you have with them.

HBamama2B · February 2016

I see your dilemma, but echo pp and say no to the announcement idea.

I'm struggling with something similar. All of my siblings, Aunts, and cousin live on the west coast, but my shower will be in NYC. I'm worried they would be hurt not to be invited, but I in no way expect them to travel or send gifts and don't want them to be offended by an invite to something we all know they can't/won't attend. Still haven't decided whether or not to invite the extended family I'm close to, but can't see not inviting the siblings. Thoughts??

likeabel · February 2016

I'd send an invite but not include registry information on it. When they RSVP no, they can ask where you're registered if they want to send a gift. Or if you're registered is BRU they can probably find it in their own. Then you are being sincere and not gift grabby. I assume you're inviting these people because you want them to feel included, not because you want a few extra gifts.

TheHauntedHauswife · February 2016

Tawny87 said:

Depends on the family member I think. My friend sent an invite to my cousin in Wyoming and my cousin and aunt in AZ, knowing full well they would not be able to go. In my family it was more of the sentiment we were thinking about them and would have included them if there wasn't distance involved. I think it depends on the relationship you have with the people.

This. I would never think to not invite my out of state relatives even though i know they likely wont come. Once in a blue moon they do plan a random trip and it could even give them a reason to do so. I would personally feel wrong not inviting them, because we are thinking of them and do wish they could be there. So I personally think its okay to invite all the people you want to invite, even if you know its unlikely they will be coming.

If the invitations already have registry info with them, i dont see any reason to purposely try and disclude it. That being said, I personally wouldn't even think any thing of if i was on the receiving end and got the registry info, honestly i would probably be more inclined to notice if they didnt include it. Personally i would much rather get the registry info so i dont need to hunt it down on my own.

Sydvicious08 · February 2016

We have always invited my aunt who lIves in Seattle. My whole family lives in Mississippi and know she can't actually come, but she loves to feel included and I know she would be devastated if we didn't send her an invite to any family event. Worst case they don't come, middle case they don't come and send a gift, best case they come.

tripledaggerWed95976 · February 2016

Lurking from May
I'm having an out of state shower and I still sent invites to family members that I knew wouldn't be able to come. People still like to be invited even if they're not able to make it

GinnyJ2012 · February 2016

In our family you invite people even if you don't think they can or will go. My whole family is spread out, and used my baby shower as an excuse to have a long weekend family event. If I only invited those within driving distance others would have been very upset.

chelseay416 · February 2016

I'm in the same boat as OP. My friends and family. are spread out all over the country. I'm having an out of state shower (hometown in Florida) even though I live in Colorado. I invited everyone I would have invited if we had all lived in the same state. I was actually surprised at some of the people that RSVP'd yes even though it meant they had to fly in. So i would send the invites - you might be pleasantly surprised. I don't know how your RSVPs are formatted, but for my wedding, I kept all the RSVP cards, yes and no ones, because a lot of people put really nice notes on them. So even if people don't want to come, they may send you a really sweet note or email or something declining.

Baskett88 · February 2016

Thanks ladies - this is very helpful and glad to know that I'm not the only one out there. This is definitely not coming from a "gift grabby" place. I think I will just invite the folks I would have invited anyway if we all lived in the same state and include a personal note that I don't expect them to make it but was thinking of them. Then I'll send out announcements to the "Christmas Card" list with no registry info on it. I'm registered at BRU... so it's not like it would be hard to find if the extended family got curious.

nicoldashking · February 2016

We made a secret group on Facebook which is somewhat like a page but not. We invited our family to it and we post updates about the baby until shes actually here. We have little to no family here in texas so it helps alot to keep everyone in touch. Plus in the description you can put the link to your registry. Our family and friends enjoy it alot. And we post pictures of things we recieve from family to make it seem like a real baby shower.

Lilwatz · February 2016

I am with some of the PPs. With my first daughter I had an out of state baby shower (same thing, had moved less than one year earlier). I had invites sent to immediate family and friends who are really as close as family. Honestly, most of them asked for invites anyway even though they knew they couldn't come.

chelseay416 · February 2016

I just had my out of state shower over the weekend and it went great! A few people flew in from all over the country and I had a good number of people that still live in my hometown that showed up. Most people either shipped their presents ahead of time and then printed a picture of whatever they got me to have me unwrap, or got me baby clothes that I could easily take back with me. I managed to fit everything except a changing pad in my suitcase for the flight home.

calico34 · February 2016

I'm in the same situation. I'm live in CO but am from CA. I'm actually having two showers cause I felt too guilty forcing friends and family to travel long distances. Plus I'm having twins so gift grabby as it may seem, we'll need all the stuff we can get. However, I'm just inviting people within state lines of each shower, with the exception of a couple of friends I have in AZ and an aunt who asked to be invited so she can skype in. I also think if people want to be invited or give you a gift, they'll reach out to you or just send something. So I wouldn't worry about sending a separate announcement. Good Luck!

purplefan1 · February 2016

My sister lives in Ohio, my SIL in Kansas, and my best friend in Florida. I live in Illinois. The baby shower my sister is planning for me will mean that all three of them will have to travel to get to it. They have insisted I get a shower and each has offered to plan it if the others couldn't. They would be really hurt if they didn't get invited, even if they weren't able to come in the end. My sister, for example, is planning it but has made the back up plan that my MIL will take over if she and her family aren't able to be here. I only gave her a list of about 10 people ish to invite. So I say invite whomever you would really like to have there and if they can make the trip, awesome. If not, some times they still want to be invited and be included.

Tawny87 · February 2016

calico34 said:

I'm in the same situation. I'm live in CO but am from CA. I'm actually having two showers cause I felt too guilty forcing friends and family to travel long distances. Plus I'm having twins so gift grabby as it may seem, we'll need all the stuff we can get. However, I'm just inviting people within state lines of each shower, with the exception of a couple of friends I have in AZ and an aunt who asked to be invited so she can skype in. I also think if people want to be invited or give you a gift, they'll reach out to you or just send something. So I wouldn't worry about sending a separate announcement. Good Luck!

I'm a CO twin mom too. My girls are 2 1/2.

Boonhilde · February 2016

I wouldn't send invites to people too far away, but an announcement without the registry is perfect. Most will send a gift because they'll want to, and they'll either ask you for your registry, ask someone else for it, or just get you something else. Most people at your shower won't even get you registered gifts, so I wouldn't worry about that.

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