Intro + Miscarriage

madamerwin · February 2016

Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here a little for the past few months, but I thought it was time to introduce myself and share my story... Sorry it's long, but it's been a complicated year for us.

Many years ago I had an infection in my Fallopian tubes. I was told that when the time came, IVF would be my only option for pregnancy. So, last spring, my husband and I started the process. In October, I had surgery to remove one, possibly both, of my tubes. The doctor ended up removing the left one, which was full of fluid, but she could not remove the right one without damaging the ovary. After, she told us my right tube was not functional, and we planned to start IVF at the beginning of February when my cycle started.

Well, beginning of February arrived, but my cycle never started. Turns out I was pregnant, though I was terrified that it was ectopic. After many days of anxious waiting, we got the best news - it was not ectopic, and it was progressing somewhat normally. However, my Hcg levels were not quite doubling, and I experienced some spotting starting at 6 weeks.

We went in for an ultrasound at 6w5d. The embryo was the right size, and we got to see and hear the heartbeat, which the doctor said was strong. However, the gestational sac measured 5 days too small, and our doctor basically said it could go either way.

By by the time we got home, I was bleeding heavily. I knew something was wrong. The cramping started the next afternoon, and two hours later I passed the gestational sac and embryo, completely intact. It was the saddest and most traumatizing experience, and I was alone at the time. I called my husband, and he came home, but I know he does not realize how sad and traumatized I am from all this.

From being told we would need IVF, to getting pregnant naturally but then miscarrying, I feel like the universe is just fucking with me. We are having the embryo tested and will find out this week whether it was abnormal, but I can't help but think that I will never have a successful pregnancy.

I'm just so sad and scared, and I feel so alone... I know I should be thankful that my one tube works (hell, it turns out I ovulated from the side WITHOUT a tube, and it still found its way to my uterus), but it is so hard to be positive. I just feel like I will never be myself again.

Thanks for sticking with it if you read the whole thing, it just helps to write it all down.

roxgibbons · February 2016

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. I had a MMC last week at 10w 2 days and D&C the following day.

I can relate some to your story We were TTC for 1 year and we started seeing an RE in September. We did two IUIs that resulted in BFNs. During one of my ultrasounds in November my nurse suspected I had a fibroid or polyp. The RE confirmed a couple weeks later and I also had an HSG scheduled that week. My HSG results were odd as the polyp was blocking the images on the right and the left looked blocked but they couldn't confirm. My RE called me and said I needed a tubal cannulation to get a better look and try to unblock any blockages and in his opinion, that most likely the two tubes were blocked. I was scheduled for a hysteroscopy in January and the tubal cannulation the first week of February. Fast forward three weeks and I got a BFP!! We were so happy and considered ourselves lucky for being able to conceive naturally. It may sounds cheesy but we really felt it was meant to be. My RE monitored me closely and I had two early ultrasounds that confirmed everything looked good and we saw the heartbeat.

Last week our happiness came to an abrupt end when I went in for a check up and the baby's heartbeat was gone. I too feel like the universe is cruel and all this was a fucked up joke. If I hadn't gotten pregnant I would have had my procedures done by now and we would be moving on. Instead we are experiencing so much pain, it's unbearable.

I understand your anger, and emptiness. I'm scared for the future and although I want to be positive that everything will work out, it's difficult. Wishing you peace and strength during this difficult time.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

Hugs. I also had a miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat and fertility treatments. I have waves of sadness about the loss itself, the prospect of going back to fertility treatments, and the anxiety that I expect to feel if I am fortunate enough to get pregnant again. This whole thing feels like such a terrible and cruel rollercoaster that I cannot get off.

roxgibbons · February 2016

@BrightenMySky exactly what you said above. I feel the same way as you just described. I know when I got my BFP, we were so happy and so relieved. No more monitoring, IUIs, and the stress and drain that comes along with it and not to mention for me bypassing two procedures- I feel like I just took ten steps back. I'm meeting with me RE tomorrow and although I know we will have to wait a while, hopefully I'll get an idea of what next steps are.

madamerwin · February 2016

Thank you both for your responses... While I am glad I am not alone, I would never wish this upon anyone. @roxgibbons I can definitely relate to the frustration that you're feeling re: where you would be if you had not gotten pregnant. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, we would be in the middle of egg stimulation shots right now. Which sounds terrible, but at least we would be moving along.

@BrightenMySky I feel the same way as you. Thinking about getting pregnant again makes me so anxious, I don't know how I will get through it without worrying.

I am just trying to focus on the fact that my right tube does work well enough to transport eggs. I try to push away thoughts that maybe it was a fluke, that it won't work next time. But my right tube was able to pull an egg from my left ovary, so that has to mean something positive, right?

I'm sorry you are both going through this. But your words of support mean a lot to me.

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