not "ok"

BrightenMySky · February 2016

This is kind of a rant/vent, but I just need to say I am not ok. I will be ok sometime in the future, but it will take a while.

When I found out about our loss from the u/s, I emailed my parents (my husband was on his way) to say that we got bad news and I did not want to talk on the phone right now. My mom called me anyway, and then texted to say she just needed to hear my voice to know that I was ok. I understand that it is a loss for her, too, but in that moment, I was not ok and wish she had respected my request (or at least not made that comment).

And then when I had my d&c, so many of the people in the hospital kept saying "you will be ok," starting with the nurse who put in my IV and took my vitals (at the hospital I went to the call you back, do the IV and vitals, and then you go back to the waiting room until a room is ready in the back). I started crying while she was doing the IV, and she kept saying it would be ok. I don't know if she looked to see what sort of surgery I was having, but I wasn't crying because I was scared about the surgery, I was crying because I had lost my baby and putting in the IV was making me confront the reality of what I was doing.

I went to the ER 5 days after the d&c for intense cramping. DH got food poisoning on the way there, so he was physically miserable, and then we found out that I needed to take cytotec due to a "concerning" level of remaining material. Talking to my parents afterward, my dad kept saying that we should stop for ice cream sodas. I didn't want an ice cream soda, I wanted my lost child. And if I couldn't have that, I at least wanted the physical part to be over.

Thanks for listening.

saguiniga · February 2016

Omg, seeing this brings tears to my eyes. I too, am NOT ok. It's funny because I keep thinking those words. I had a super odd experience in the pre-op room as well. I don't associate with any organized religion, but I don't call myself an atheist. I was baptized catholic. While in the pre-op room a nun came by and looked at my chart (I still find that fact alone very odd.) She said, "oh, you are getting a D&C, that's easy. Why are you crying? Stop being such a big baby." My husband and I just looked at each other. She then continued on, "if you are so scared about your surgery we can pray together." I couldn't take it any longer and said, "I'm not scared about my surgery. Instead, you can pray for the soul of my dead, unborn baby." She immediately stopped, looked shocked, and shut up. She said that she was so sorry and "had no idea." Well, did she even know WTF a D&C is? She then said I could cry all I wanted, and offered to have a funeral service for Colton. Please. Like I wanted HER to arrange that? No. She then offered me a foot rub. A FOOT RUB. I asked her to leave in order to give us privacy.

I too only want my baby back. I would do ANYTHING to bring him back. I feel so empty inside (also because I am after the D&C.) I still cry uncontrollably and get angry at different things (Especially pregnant women) for no reason. I've lost all sense of happiness. I'm a newly-barred attorney. I worked my ass off to get a job at a prestigious law firm, and I feel like I'm blowing it because I can't hold back tears. Honestly, I don't care if they fire me. I care about nothing these days.

So, you aren't alone. I promise. I hate hearing that "it will happen again soon" or "your time will come" (I didn't realize I had to wait in line.) I don't know what will make things better or when things will be better. I can promise you that you aren't alone.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

omg I cannot believe that nun. I am so sorry you had that experience on top of it all.

When the nurse that did all my pre-op was going over vitals, I made some comment to my husband that I had lost 6 lbs since my pre-natal appt 3 weeks earlier. The nurse goes, "I wish I could lose 6 lbs in 3 weeks!" Seriously? I was puking and had no appetite because of a non-viable pregnancy! What a wonderful weight loss strategy.

Sidenote, I'm a lawyer, too. At a smaller firm and not super new, but feel free to reach out if you want to talk about dealing with it at work, too. I have told my 3 closest work friends (1 knew I was doing fertility treatments and knew about the pregnancy earlier), and I am trying to decide whether to tell a partner I work closely with who I think is just legit concerned and will not hold it against me.

saguiniga · February 2016

No way re:attorney! for some reason this gave me some type of comfort. I told the only woman partner in my practice group that has children. She might be the only partner in our office with children. She was incredibly supportive and understanding. While we were waiting in the pre-op room I kept saying, "I'm going to lose my job." I can't believe that I was even worried about that. But, these are things that we unfortunately deal with as women.

I can't believe the nurse said that... How awful. Because everyone wants to lose weight by losing a baby. I have no idea how people are so dumb and insensitive.

My email address is sara.aguiniga@gmail.com. Feel free to reach out:) .

ThePax89 · February 2016

Well said.
Will we ever be "okay"?

Or or will there always be a gaping hole in my chest that people can see from space?

I remember sitting in the or prep area thinking the same thing. Read the effing type of surgery. I was asked very candidly, "when was your last period?" Ha. 4 months ago, just before I conceived the first baby of two I would lose. That's when I lost it.

MamaBish · February 2016

I'm so sorry, ladies. It's so hard and I hate that some people just act like these things are no big deal. It IS a big deal and we will always be different because of it. Hugs to everyone!

roxgibbons · February 2016

I am so sorry we are all going through this level of pain and yes we are not ok and that is the reality of it. We probably won't be ok for quite some time.

I wish the medical professionals or hospital workers (that nun experience was horrifying) would take some time and read the chart and understand every patient isn't in there for some inaucuous procedure. A little humanity and sensitivity can go a long way. The nurse that prepped me yesterday was going lightening speed and when she saw I was having a D&C it didn't register for her what was happening- so I told her I lost my baby- and then I proceeded to cry non-stop. She thankfully slowed down and changed her tone but at first it was so tough especially since they didn't let my husband in the pre-op area.

I was just talking to my mother this morning and asked her to just let me be sad. She was trying to discuss random things and I was getting frustrated. The phrases "it wasn't meant to be", or "it would have been worse if it happened later", is just simply not helpful. My husband and I had been trying for a year and we finally got our BFP. We were so happy and now we are just devastated- I'm just not ready to just accept this. I just want my baby back growing in my belly like he was supposed to.

As for work, I was supposed to work from home the rest of this week and originally I was stressed on getting everything done and being available, but quite frankly, I don't care right now. I work in the legal department of a company. I'm not a lawyer but I am a commercial contracts negotiator so as you can imagine everyone needs everything yesterday- I basically told everyone they're going to have to wait till next week. I just can't deal with anything right now. I just need to be sad for now.

alanna3622 · February 2016

Another lawyer here for the legal professional party going on in this thread.

I too am not okay. I don't think I will ever be the same person I was before.

chloe97 · February 2016

ThePax89 said:

Well said.
Will we ever be "okay"?

Or or will there always be a gaping hole in my chest that people can see from space?

I remember sitting in the or prep area thinking the same thing. Read the effing type of surgery. I was asked very candidly, "when was your last period?" Ha. 4 months ago, just before I conceived the first baby of two I would lose. That's when I lost it.

The same thing happened to me! Actually the tech asked if I still got a period (bc a typical 36 year old has gone through menopause, right?) and the asked me if I was sure I wasn't pregnant when I told her when my last period was. I just stared at her with my mouth gaping open. She was probably 19 or 20 and had very little real life experience or job training.

This, combined with a doctor who looked at me like I was crazy when I asked her to test my fetal tissue for chromosome abnormalities, is why I switched hospitals/practices.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

@chloe97 I am glad you switched practices, that is awful. The final straw at my old OB practice was when they made it seem like a huge accommodation to let me wait for DH in an exam room instead of the waiting room right after my ultrasound where I learned about the loss.

And @ThePax89 your "gaping hole" phrasing reminded me of this article that I found very helpful https://bitchmedia.org/article/ask-bear-it-okay-be-so-so-sad-about-my-miscarriage (warning, this is a semi-political article that deals with being pro-choice and being sad about miscarriage, and I don't want to politicize anything here, just sharing it for those who might find it helpful and trying to warn those who wouldn't because I don't want to upset anyone more). I sent it to my DH to read, and he told me that the paragraph about how we create a special room in our heart, and even if we have the opportunity to create a similar room in the future for another child, this one will always be small and empty was helpful for him in understanding how I'm feeling.

fivetimesnoluck · February 2016

Rant away! It helps to get it out and you're absolutely right that you're not ok now, but it will get better. But - if you need to/want to focus/dwell on the not being ok part before you move on to the "I know I will be" part, that's perfectly logical. This shit sucks.

You will likely find that a lot of people make these experiences more about them than you. Moms are especially guilty, but I know it comes from love. Someone said this in another thread, but I agree with the sentiment that through these tragedies, I have learned that I need to be selfish sometimes and I will not be made to feel bad about it. Do what feels right and serve yourself first. Most of the time - especially in the first instance, it's hard to know what's right. There isn't a "right" way to grieve. Just do what feels right....

saguiniga - I have no words, except I am sorry that happened. I wouldn't have known how to get out of that awful situation. You handled it well!

danica01 · February 2016

My dear friend.......you are not ok and you shouldn't be ok. You have suffered a loss. Phone calls you have asked not to receive, a nurse telling you everything will be fine and an ice cream soda on the way home is not going to fix anything. The only thing in the world you wanted was to still be pregnant and plan for your little on to come home and nothing we do will allow that to happen for us. I wish there was a handbook, not for us going through it, for those who have to live with or around someone who has lost their little. We may not have a clear idea about the things we need during this time but one thing is for sure, we know what we don't need.

I can honestly say, unfortunately, that when I told my mama I told her I did not want to talk on the phone ro at all until I was ready. I told her when I was ready I would call. At first she said ok. Then she started texting and calling my husband. Finally I was forced to call her and she said the exact same thing......she just wanted to hear your voice. Well, she didn't hear my voice she heard her daughter in a complete breakdown. It only made me cry harder and made me angry that the space I had so innocently requested was not being honored. It just was not ok.

Sometimes I want to tell people you do not have to say anything to me. Nine times out of ten it is always something that makes it worse even if their intentions are good. Things like this will pass, at least you got pregnant, you can try again and the worst one, at least you weren't farther along. Nothing in those phrases gives comfort and only deepens the break in our hearts.

So, don't be ok. None of us are ok and here you can be as angry, sad and broken as you want because we are all here for you. Vent your heart everyday if you need to and know that I will always be here to listen and mourn with you. One day we will be a different form ok but only when we are truly ready and the rest of the world needs to just let us get there on our own. I am here with you @BrightenMySky

FiancB · February 2016

I remember it being kind of surreal going about my normal business. Running into people I know and having them ask how I'm doing. "oh, ok" because you aren't really supposed to say how you feel. I've always hated small talk.

I feel like I've never been as happy as I was when I was pregnant. I just want that back, but even if the next pregnancy goes fine, the naive joy and excitement will never be there again.

I'm so sorry to those of you that had bad experiences with healthcare staff. That makes me rage. Nurses should know better than to say things are okay when they aren't.

yolandamunoz · February 2016

@BrightenMySky I'm so sorry for your loss and for the painful experiences you describe. You are not alone!

I also had mostly bad experiences with health care staff, from the person checking me in at the hospital asking me what is this procedure I'm having... It should be in their computers, they should bother to read before making me want to cry... Also the nurses coming to take my vitals... I'm so sorry but read my chart before asking me how I'm doing... When they put my IV in I started crying, not because of the needle but because of my loss..

When I woke up after anesthesia, I started crying really hard, I couldn't control myself.. I felt empty and alone, I cried for several minutes and one nurse came to comfort me. She was very sweet and respectful, I am really glad she was there for me, to comfort me really.

Two weeks have past and physically I feel fine but.. Ok? No I'm not ok and it's fine... I am getting better, though. And I have hope!

hugs
-Y-

BrightenMySky · February 2016

Thanks @yolandamunoz and sorry for your bad experiences. I am comforted by your words that some of those discrete moments--putting in the IV and waking up in recovery--were hard for you, too, although I am sorry we now have these memories.

One other thing that was crazy is I did not preregister at the hospital where I had my procedure, and the person at the check in was really confused as to why not. Um, because no one told me to? Because the paperwork for delivering there says to preregister by 28 weeks, and this was not that situation? I was patient and fine to wait while she did the paperwork, but she kept noting that I didn't preregister.

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