Step Daughter Sick Every Weekend We Have Her

Knottie1450304223 · February 2016

I am 37 y/o and am almost 11 weeks with my first baby. It's been a rough pregnancy so far as I have had severe fatigue, nausea, daily headaches, bleeding and cramps that have landed me in the ER 3 times. My doctor last week found that I have low-lying placenta on my 10 week ultrasound. I have a ton of stress with my job and because of the spotting and bad cramping I'm prone to, my doctor is treating me as "high-risk". My issue is that my stepdaughter has been sick for 3 weeks with a nasty sinus infection/cold. It was my DH's weekend two weeks ago and his daughter was super sick all weekend with a cough, fever, blowing her nose and wiping it all over the house and us. The past weekend she came over for the weekend and her mother finally took her to the doctor where she had strong antibiotics. She just started the antibiotic so she was again coughing, blowing her nose, and wiping it all over our house. We gave her her meds religiously as well as added children's cold medicine to calm the cough and running nose. Both weekends we've had her I have ended up extremely sick and on Amoxicillin. I have no more sick days at work so I have to just truck through. My question is how do we tactfully handle this situation? I do not want to be around my step daughter when she's this sick and her mother rarely takes her to the doctor yet won't allow us to take her to the doc?

Ssoccerball · February 2016

You said in your post that her mother took her to the doctor and that she was on strong antibiotics. Are you inquiring as to whether you should take her to the doctor again or whether it's okay to "not be around her" when she is sick? I guess I would say that when my children are sick, I have no choice but to continue being their mother, whether I am pregnant or not. I caught a terrible cold from my children right after I found out I was pregnant and also ended up on antibiotics when it turned into a respiratory infection. That's just part of the gig. This is the daughter of your husband and you two are her parents, whether she is healthy or sick. I don't think telling her that she can't come over when she has a sinus infection seems like the right course of action. As for her "wiping snot all over your house"....I'm not sure why that would be happening. Make sure she has easy access to Kleenex? I'm not trying to be combative, but dealing with sick kids is part of being a parent, step or otherwise.

Knottie1450304223 · February 2016

I'm just tired of being sick and on several rounds of Amoxicillin. We aren't allowed to take her to the doctor so that's off the table. There are Kleenex everywhere for her to use, we have to constantly remind her to use one. She has been sick for 3 weeks. We have no control over her doctors visits. If we did she would have been at the doctor 2 weeks ago and the illness would be cleared up by now.

mthoomom · February 2016

I'll be blunt here... having a sick kid around is just part of being a parent or step-parent. She's a kid, and being sick isn't her fault. How old is she? Can you teach her how to clean her nose properly and wash her hands? Is the mother receptive to discussing the child's health and what steps might be taken if she doesn't seem to be getting better? In my experience, some kids do tend to have colds or upper respiratory infections for weeks and weeks on end, so it may just be something you have to deal with for a bit longer.

Sporty1216 · February 2016

I have to agree with @Ssoccerball and @mthoomom -- dealing with sickness is just part of being a parent. We've all had a couple rounds of respiratory junk here too.

To me, it sounds like the biggest issue is that you and your fiancé and his daughter's birth mom need to sit down and really figure out how custody is going to work. If you all have custody of her for any amount of time, it seems reasonable that you would also have the ability to seek medical attention for her when necessary, etc.

I'm sorry you're having a rough go. Hang in there, wash your hands like crazy, and hope that spring comes soon! I think that's all any of us can do...

Knottie1450304223 · February 2016

She'll be 7 in May. When we have her we teach her how to wash her hands, how to blow her nose and not use her sleeves, and give her her medicine on schedule. It just frustrates us because of the disconnect at the other house. I hate seeing her so sick for weeks and finally going to the doctor after having been sick for over two weeks before she got meds:(

carrieandr · February 2016

You got some answers from biological moms, but I wanted to jump in as well. My husband has a step-son from a previous marriage (so I'm technically not even his step-mom). He had just turned 10 when I met him and is now almost 15. He stays with us one weekend a month. I know what it's like to have a child in your life without ever having had kids of your own. I care about this boy's well-being, but I do not love him more than life itself or have that incredible bond that a mother has with her child. I've never experienced that bond or felt those feelings, aside from what I now feel during my pregnancy. My situation is further removed because it is not my husband's son, nor am I a mother figure in his life. I just want to say that I know these situations can be difficult to navigate. I agree with the mothers about not keeping her away when she's sick. But it's perfectly natural and human to feel the way you do. I saw my sister kiss her babies when they were covered with snot and drool. I thought it was totally gross. She laughed and said someday I would do the same thing. (I still can't imagine it.) Some lucky women probably take to stepmotherhood like a duck to water, but for the rest of us, it doesn't come as naturally. And having no control over the situation makes it that much harder. As a not-even-stepmom, I totally know what that is like. Mothers tend to hold stepmothers to their own high standards -- and in a perfect world, we could measure up to that. But it can be a tall order for someone who has never had children. We do the best we can.

Knottie1450304223 · February 2016

@Carrie very well said! I'm glad someone here feels the way I feel. It's hard to parent when your hands are tied and you honestly don't feel the sun rises and sets on the child. She's treated very well at all times by me and gets everything she needs. I just don't feel the way a mother probably feels towards her own child. Unless someone is a stepmom you can't relate.

Ssoccerball · February 2016

If you had wanted only the feedback of step parents, you probably should have asked for that in your original post. I will also disclose, in full fairness, that my perspective is probably a little skewed from having read your other posts on a different board where you complain about the time that this child spends at your home. Whether it is intentional or not, it comes across as you being resentful of the "imposition" she has become.

I cannot tell you what it feels like to be a step parent, but I can tell you what it feels like to be a step child. To go to a different house and have different rules than what you are used to is always confusing for a child. I can tell you how unnerving it is to want to spend time with your parent, but know that their spouse doesn't really want you there. And I can also tell you that when your baby comes, and you all become an intact, nuclear family, she is going to have the natural inclination to feel like an outsider. If you don't help her to feel like she's an equal member of your family, she will always feel displaced. And she is a child, who didn't ask for this situation. It makes me sad to think that you might be searching for validation that it's okay to keep this sick child out of your house instead of looking inward to try to figure out how you can learn to love her. You don't have to think that the sun rises and sets with her, but I can guarantee that if you don't figure out a way to accept her (rather than just treat her well) it will likely affect your marriage as well as your relationship with this little girl.

carrieandr · February 2016

I don't think she only wanted the feedback of stepparents. I just wanted to cut her some slack for feeling the way she does. Like I said, mothers seem to expect stepmothers to feel, think and be exactly like mothers. Mothers have the advantage of that fierce, powerful motherly love. Non-mothers do their best to slip into that role. I even went to a therapist about my feelings when my husband (then boyfriend) and I first moved in together. Thankfully my therapist told me it was natural and didn't berate me for it. (Again, my situation is slightly different. I don't even know the child's parents.)

I'm genuinely sorry that your experience as a stepchild was not a good one. Just know that it can be challenging on both sides of the situation. I went from living alone for 10 years to living with an 11 year old boy. Moving our stuff into the same house didn't magically make me a mother. I try to be welcoming, kind, caring and respectful. And I don't beat myself up for any feelings I have or don't have.

Ssoccerball · February 2016

@CarrieandRoy, I was responding more to OP's comment that "if you're not a step parent, you can't relate." I understand and agree with what you are saying regarding the differences between a biological mom and a step parent. From the perspective of a step child though, and I think this is true of a lot of step children, I didn't need a step mom to love me with fierce motherly love. What we needed was a step parent to behave as if they enjoyed having us with them, who didn't treat us drastically different than their own children, who could be the adult in certain situations and recognize that most everything was out of our control, and who supported our relationship with our biological parent. Again, I was probably reacting as much to this post as OP's other posts about this child, but I hear what you are saying. Most people do their best in difficult situations.

Jenniferk08 · February 2016

Kids get sick, it happens. It's not her fault mom is a PITA and doesn't take her to the doc when needed.
Just keep teaching her and reminding to wipe her nose/wash her hands. 7 is still young to remember things all the times. I work with grown women who can't remember to cover their mouths. Invest in some Lysol and spray, wipe down surfaces periodically.

bgf1 · February 2016

Our physican always says after 48 hours on antibiotics the kids can return to daycare/school, so I would think that she is likely not contagious anymore. You might consider that with many illnesses were are contagious before we are actually symptomatic so you can't totally protect yourself from getting sick even if she doesn't come to your house once she is already showing symptoms. The reality of pregnancy is that you are infact immune suppressed throughout your pregnancy to prevent your immune system from attacking the baby, as a result many people regardless of their exposure to children are constantly sick through the majority of pregnancy. I look at functioning while pregnant as good preparation for life worth a newborn, because there are no sick days for Mama.

I hear you on the frustration over being sick, I've had a cold which morphed into a s sinus infection going on six weeks now. And while my family doctor is great he assures me the current standard of practice is not to prescribe antibiotics for sinus infections. . so it is me and my neti pot and box of tissues

For what it's worth even as a mom, I inwardly cringe when my kids are sick at the thought of getting it currently. My three year old has strep and. even âs i snuggle her I cringe at the boogers and pray I don't get sick. Perhaps it might be a little easier to look at your perma-sickness as pregnancy related and not parenting or step parenting related. Hope you feel better soon

carrieandr · February 2016

Yikes @bgf1 - I had a terrible sinus infection years ago and I got better after just 24 hours of antibiotics. (I continued to take the rest, of course.) Sinus infections can be viral or bacterial. I would think after 6 weeks, they'd try antibiotics! I hope you feel better soon!

2-Step · February 2016

My six year old has 6 cases of strep in his class right now and 4 of stomach flu. I'm 37 weeks and exhausted and terrified of getting it. I've taken my kids to multiple bday parties where someone brought a kid sick and infected the entire party. Once I was puking all of Xmas day because a parent sent a sick kid on a play date. None of these kids are mine nor can I control if they get antibiotics or come in contact with me, my kid or his things. Welcome to being a parent. I think if you feel uncomfortable being around her then maybe the solution is for you to stay somewhere else when she visits. Asking her not to come seems like a great way to alienate her and start a world of jealousy and issues. I'm sure being a step parent is really hard, but you are an adult and part of your job is to take care of her emotional well being. 7 is way too young to understand this scenario and have compassion for you, so you need to have the compassion for her. I can see how it's frustrating but it's just life with kids, yours or not.

Glow360 · February 2016

If you don't want to be around her you leave, don't keep her from seeing dad. It's not her fault she's sick or that your pregnant or that your stressed. I agree if situation is too much something needs to be done, but it's not her removal it's you. She's not the problem or has a problem. Kids get sick, your child will get sick. It's the nature of how things go, but you would be the worst step mother in history to keep that child from coming over. It's wrong. It wouldn't be wrong however for you to stay with someone else if you continue feeling concerned. Your exposed to sickness before symptoms are presented and I assume your coworkers have kids so they bring germs to you at work too. You should include step daughter in every step of pregnancy and make her feel loved and wanted. You not wanting to be around her makes her the problem and that's wrong, she's not the problem and she should not be punished for it. Can you imagine if you were her how she would feel? She's already dealing with a lot, has a step mom having a new baby, a mom that dumps her off......lots of issues, none in which result in her.

Knottie1450304223 · February 2016

Just to clarify, on the weekends we have her, I am the one who takes care of her the majority of the time. Her dad works all day Saturday and Sunday which means I'm the one to take care of her. So I cannot "go someplace else" or "go in another part of the house", it wouldn't work for our situation. The child is well take care of, I bought the child all brand new clothes, she got a new bed last week, new books, games, toys, etc. There is no court order regarding visitation so she does not have to come over when she does, she could come over when her dad is home and can interact more with her. As it stands, he sees her Friday night from 6-8 (bedtime), Saturday 4:30-8 (bedtime) and never on Sundays because her mom comes and gets her before he is off work.

Sporty1216 · February 2016

It really does sound like working out the details of the custody arrangement (or informal visitation arrangement) is step one here.

Knottie1450304223 · February 2016

@Sporty1216 thank you, yes I do agree.

carrieandr · February 2016

My DH used to work in the garage or the yard and leave his former stepson in the house with me. He would complain the whole time that he was bored. I had a talk with DH and pointed out that his stepson comes here to spend time with him. That made a huge difference. Again, my situation is different, because the weekends are more of a visit than a living situation, but if your stepdaughter isn't getting time with her dad, some rearranging needs to be done.

Conky3000 · February 2016

I'm just going to chime in and say that if she has a viral and not bacterial infection, antibiotics aren't going to do a thing and no doctor would have been able to fix it regardless of when her mother took her in to see one. Sometimes these things just have to run their course.
I'm sorry you're so stressed, but I agree that it's important to welcome this child into your home and make her feel loved and included. None of this is her fault.

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