SO involvement in decisions

KidShrink · February 2016

I'm feeling amazingly irritated tonight...DH and I tried to conceive for 2 long years. Just when we started TTC, I bought myself and him some pregnancy books (the What to Expect series for me, the shorter dad version, and a funny one in case that didn't do it for him). So all these collected dust for 2 years, which is fine. DH is ecstatic about my pregnancy and becoming a dad. However, I feel like he's been completely useless at helping me make decisions regarding a number of things. For example, at the beginning, I was set on doing cord blood banking (private, our hospital doesn't have the option of donating to the public bank). However, after reading a number of posts here and doing a bit more research, I'm now hesitating between delayed clamping and blood banking. I've had a pre-admission document to fill out for the past two weeks (that I'm technically supposed to bring to my OB appointment tomorrow), and I need to indicate on there whether we'll be banking and with who. So last weekend, I brought up the topic, and he just replied he didn't know what was best. I asked him to do his own research and get back to me. Fast forward to tonight, he didn't research and doesn't know anymore. 'Just ask the OB what's best...' So I'm not bringing my completed form this week. We had a similar conversation about circumcision. He's circed, but no one around me (family or cultural group more generally) is. I'm not a huge fan of taking something that doesn't necessarily need to come off, but can see some of the advantages to having it done. So I ask for his opinion, and again I get the 'I don't know, ask the doctor what's best'. I also asked him more than 2 months ago to get his physical exam scheduled (he hasn't had one in forever) and to get the TDAP shot at the same time. Well, I let you guess whether that's happened.

As much as he's saying he's happy and has wanted this, I just feel like he's on neutral and waiting for me to call all the shots. Am I the only one who feels like shaking the heck out of their SO to wake them up to the reality that there's going to be a LO here in around 10 weeks, so now would be a great freakin time to let go of Netflix and maybe spend a bit of time figuring out what he's getting himself into?

DutchLucyLu · February 2016

Sorry you feel like you're the one who has to make all the decisions. Have you discussed your feelings with him? Maybe he doesn't realise how he's coming across, or maybe his seeming detached comes from something else. Like, maybe he does realise you'll have a baby in about 10 weeks and it's freaking him out a bit?

I think it's definitely important to let him know how you feel. Let him know that it's important to you that you're a team and he supports you/is involved in these decisions, because he's also going to have to be involved once the baby gets here. Sure, you can ask the doctor about these kind of things, but you want his input as the baby's father and you can't get that from a Dr. Some of these decisions can't just be based on medical advise; they're personal and are things both parents need to agree on. You can do all this without sounding accusing. I'd also encourage him to share his side of things, like, "I get the feeling that you.... but I'm not sure if I'm interpreting things correctly" or something like that.

Hopes this helps and he becomes a bit more hands-on soon!

Bluejay3030 · February 2016

Sadly I don't think your dilemma is that unusual. I think a lot of guys don't kick it into "dad mode" until the baby arrives. I remember having some of these conversations with my H with our first child and being frustrated that he had no opinions on so many of the decisions I was struggling with. And in order to get him to read up on newborn care etc, I went so far as to go through my baby book and tag pages and small snippets of sections that were most important and sat there going through them with him one night.

I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice, but I did want to at least encourage you that his ambivalence during this stage doesn't necessarily have any bearing on his ability to be a great dad!

Jenly17 · February 2016

My H is like this too but I'm kind of relaxed, so I really don't mind. I also think that just because he hasn't educated himself on these things doesn't necessarily mean that he's not excited, or won't be great dad!

One of the things I've learned as a mom to my DD is that sometimes you have to make decisions on your own; sometimes you get to deliberate, other times you need to act quickly. If he doesn't figure that out now, rest assured, it will come

My H for example, still hasn't gotten the flu shot or anything else (we already have a child) but I know that before the baby comes, he'll get it done. He's a procrastinator by nature, so it doesn't surprise me.

My advice is this: If he's giving you free reign, take it. If you don't want to make these decisions solo, I would talk with your doc as he's suggested or maybe with family or friends who have some experience that you trust. To me it sounds like he's just not really taking the time to educate himself on cord banking and maybe he really doesn't care. But you can educate yourself! Maybe you can catch him at a different time, or location. Maybe go out to dinner and talk with him then? Sometimes I think they think we're just nagging them, so maybe have a nice dinner, approach the topic again and if that doesn't work, I'd say it's time to make some of these decisions on your own.

*if this came across bluntly I apologize, I just drank my glucose drink, and it's BC (before coffee) for me.

dshannah · February 2016

You should also explain to him that pregnancy doesn't work the same way it used to, where you go in and the doctor tells you what to do.

Nowadays everyone has to have a birth plan, doctors take their cues from patients, and cultural/personal preferences take precedence over SOP.

So your doctor's opinion on most things is going to be: "That's really up to you."

DH and I weren't happy about this: we'd both much rather someone tell us what to do on most things (what do we know about labor and delivery? We've never done it before!), but it's not so bad.

But! We learned about this new way of doing things in our childbirth education class: attending a class like that would help drive the point him to your husband--is it too late to sign up for one to attend with him?

kbrands7 · February 2016

DH did this last time (and has this time to a certain extent too). Like @jenly17 said, there will be some times when you just have to make a decision and talk about it later. For decisions that get to be planned, it helped to break the cycle by making a list of the most important things that needed to be discussed. I broke it down between informational (like, we need to learn how to properly install the car seat) and opinion (ex: where should baby sleep at first if you're given a preference?). The informational things had to be done, and we try to work it into a date night or family time to make it less of a chore. For instance, we made an appointment with the car seat specialist at the police station before going to a movie last pregnancy. If he didn't have an opinion on the opinion things, and truly didn't have a preference, then I just got to decide. Mostly, DH got overwhelmed easily if things weren't laid out little by little, and there were simply some things that he felt he had no place deciding-- like when to wean DS-- that he left entirely up to me and just threw his support behind my decision.

edited because it was typo-city

vinerie · February 2016

I would talk to him now. I think how couples approach this now is lays the groundwork for how they will handle kid-stuff in the future.

Have you taken any classes? We have been to a couple so far and I must say, the best part is that we are BOTH there and both taking notes and asking questions and doing all the exercises. Yeah, the classes are teaching us information, but I think the best benefit by far is that they are also (subtly) training us to be partners in this process, rather than one of us being in charge and the other following along.

JessicaB0627 · February 2016

DH is very much like this too. With our first, he was very excited about becoming a dad but the only thing he cared about was that the baby got here safely. He thought it was silly that I was obsessing over so many things and trying to make a birth plan, so he had no input because he honestly didn't care one way or another. If it was important to me then he wanted me to do it, but I couldn't make him care about details.

Now, DH is a wonderful dad and has been since the second she was born. However, it's still kind of the same story now that DD is almost 3 and we're having a second. The little details just don't matter to him even though I think they should. He will 100% back me up in any decision I make, which is all that really matters anyway. If it doesn't matter to him either way, then he leaves it up to me to decide. It frustrated me at first but now I know to ask if he has an opinion either way, maybe talk about it for awhile, and then make the decision that I feel is best knowing that he will back me up on it.

So I don't think his uninterest in certain things has any weight in how his parenting abilities will be. You may have to make decisions on your own, but sometimes that's okay as long as he supports your decisions in the end. Good luck!

NB817 · February 2016

I agree with the ladies. As frustrating as it is this is how many dads to be are. But the good news is that most of them also change when the baby arrives and are all in from that moment on. At least that's how my DH was the first time around and it's happening again this time. I'm doing 95% of decisions and preparing and he rarely gets involved but I know he'll be different as soon as he is born. Sorry there's nothing more I can say. But you are not alone.

tripledaggerWed95976 · February 2016

Unfortunately this is just how many men are wired. Someone once told me a woman becomes a mother at conception, and a man becomes a father at birth and I feel that's really true. My husband is the most attentive, compassionate person but he hasn't been super involved with this pregnancy either. I know once the baby is born he will be the most Amazing father though. I think it's just the way most men are

KidShrink · February 2016

Thanks for the support ladies! The funny thing is, I know he's going to be a great dad. I think he's definitely relying on me a lot for this as I work with kids on a daily basis (therefore that somehow makes me an expert in birth/breastfeeding/any other baby-related decision in his head). I think his procrastination on thing is just really irritating me as it's widespread...on literally everything, including a quite important family matter (on his side, that I don't need or want to me involved in) which he's just been letting slide (to make a long story short, it involves him talking to his dad about filling out paperwork that will insure his mom recovers 30K that the government has been holding since the sale of their house; MIL has mental health issues, no income and therefore relies on the money she got from the sale of house to live- the more money she has, the less time she spends in crisis mode). I feel like I need to nag him on everything, and I don't want to be a nag.

We will be attending prenatal classes in March, so I think that's going to help with reassuring me of the knowledge/info piece in all this (and quite frankly, I think he's just relying on that because reading a book is so much more effortful than watching yet another series on Netflix...If I could find videos about everything we need to make a decision about, hell that'd be a lot easier).

What's annoying me even more is that he's overreacting to little things (like me ending up needing a nonstress test earlier this week because of a fall, so he wanted to leave work and be there), but not reacting when something needs to happen. Anyway, a discussion will take place tonight. I just need to try and keep my cool, which is not happening right now! Oh pregnancy hormones...

js8812 · February 2016

We have the same scenario with the books. Our library has a book sale every quarter, so in my usual passive-aggressive manner, I asked him if he planned on reading the books or if I should drop them off at the sale.

Part of me wants to have him more involved with a lot of the decisions, but then again he is probably indifferent to most of them, so it's nice to take charge.

You're not alone though. I think that's most men in general.

proudparent2b · February 2016

My husband is similar- I've read numerous pregnancy books while he hasn't read one. I've found that if an issue is important to him, he'll do his research. Otherwise, I have no problem doing the research, running the ideas by him, and making a decision. If he has objections with what you think is best, he'll let you know.

swflJD · February 2016

@KidShrink Is your husband normally this passive about other major life choices? Does he typically rely on you to make the big decisions in your marriage and/or in his life? If this is a newly developed indecisiveness, there may be a problem that you guys need to address, but it this is how he normally behaves when faced with major decisions, you may need to check your own expectations. That's not to say he deserves a pass on all (or any) decisions involving your child, it just means the two of you probably need to discuss one other's expectations and adjust accordingly. You know your husband and his personality, and if you want/need something different from him now that you're going to be parents, you're going to have to spell it out for him.

In my marriage, I handle our basic day-to-day life decisions and household management. For example, I handle all of our finances (budgeting, paying bills, managing investments and insurance policies, etc.), and I only ask for MH's input on the "big" financial or life decisions. Even then, in most cases, I know I will ultimately be the one making the decision. MH is very passive and prefers that I handle those things, and I'm a bit of a control freak, so I wouldn't really trust him to handle those decisions anyway. It's what works for us. Knowing how we operate, I anticipate being the primary decision maker for our child - whether it involves deciding what type of stroller to buy, choosing a pediatrician, deciding how to fund his trust account, etc. But MH and I have discussed these things recently, and he knows I'm going to expect more input and involvement from him from when it involves decisions for our child. That's why he did a lot of research about local day cares and gave me a list of ones he thought looked promising so we could schedule tours (of course, I had already done my own research on this, but it was good for him to take the initiative). Then, after the tours he gave me his feedback on each so we could jointly decide who will be caring for our child during the day. It's hard to change how we've been operating for 10+ years, but I'm happy he's making some progress and being more assertive when it comes to our child.

For the circumcision and cord banking vs. delayed clamping decisions, it sounds like you've already done some research. If you really want his input (and it sounds like you do), hand him a spreadsheet with columns of what you believe to be the pros and cons of each and tell him to review it and let you know his opinion by a certain date. I know it's frustrating that he won't do his own research, but if he normally just trusts your opinion on other decisions, he may not realize what you expect of him. As far as the TDAP, can your OB give him the shot? MH is coming with me to my next OB appointment, and they are administering his shot there. If not, tell him this is for the safety of your child (give him a fact sheet if necessary), and give him a deadline to make the appointment (deadlines seem to work well for MH, even if they're completely arbitrary, because he knows I'm serious when I give him one).

Bltbear82 · February 2016

My husband was super excited to become a father but also less interested in researching and debating options. I've found that if I do the research and present the options I'm comfortable with as 2-3 choices he responds better and makes a snap decision. He just doesn't have the bandwidth to read up on every single thing and my personality needs information in order to make decisions.

missnc77 · February 2016

Maybe you also need to pick your battles. Cord blood banking vs. circumcision. If I were in your shoes, I'd let him off the hook for the cord blood banking research but get him to really think about the circumcision decision. You can use it as a bargaining chip - "Okay, I know there's a lot, but I'll make you a deal. I'll make the call on the cord blood banking since you don't feel strongly either way, but I really need you to think about circumcision. This is your son too, and this choice will be with him his entire life. I want you to be part of it." Try to narrow down the field so he doesn't feel like it's a big list piling up. Sometimes that helps to give my husband ONE thing at a time to focus on. Men just aren't as good at multi-tasking as women are.

doozer1345 · February 2016

I'm with some other PPs on here. Granted circumcision needs to be a joint decision...Everything else? Ehh... I think we as moms are more detail oriented and tend to be more of the prepare-ers. I don't think his lack of decision making makes him less excited/ready to be a dad than normal. I do understand the frustration you're having though. I felt the same way with my DD1. We tried to conceive for many years and then I was put on bed rest early so I had nothing but time to prepare and research. DH's eyes would cross at the amount of input I was asking of him. I'd definitely prioritize what is really important for him to have a say so in and what you could make a decision on. GL hang in there.

AdorkablePixie · February 2016

@KidShrink I think that's most men, not just yours. I think because some of them haven't Brennan brought it before, they're overwhelmed and don't really know what they want to or should do. I know that I feel that way with a lot of stuff. Thankfully my DH has been involved in the things like finding a daycare, baby stuff, etc. I do know I got him a book and he has never really read it. I decided not to push it, he knows where it is if he wants to read it and apparently he doesn't. lol I try to be pretty relaxed about things though.

JennyS86 · February 2016

It's nice to know that many of our DHs are like-minded!
I know that to get my DH to pay attention to an issue, I have to get him without the tv or laptop on. Or when he is falling asleep.
I also try to remember that there are a lot of decisions that he makes without needing me to agree with each step along the way. It's kind of a tag-team effort sometimes. I picked the pediatrician, nursery school, insurance coverage, but he handles most of the bills, investments, wills. We make some decisions together (circumcision, name, big purchases). I try to look it at like: he trusts me to make decisions for our family.
I agree with you that it would be nice if DH would have as much interest in looking into cord banking as I do. He heard the cost and went public banking route. We settled with delayed cord clamping

dshannah · February 2016

KidShrink said:

We will be attending prenatal classes in March, so I think that's going to help with reassuring me of the knowledge/info piece in all this (and quite frankly, I think he's just relying on that because reading a book is so much more effortful than watching yet another series on Netflix...If I could find videos about everything we need to make a decision about, hell that'd be a lot easier).

Have him watch "Call the Midwife"!!!!!!!!

It's a great show, and does an excellent job of showing what pregnancy, labor, and delivery is like. DH read through "What to Expect When You're Expecting," but it was "Call the Midwife" that taught him what pre-eclampsia looked like, and how tricky it is to deal with turned-around babies...

laurenmdrn16 · February 2016

I know with MH he seems a little detached because he is a very visual, literal person and as far as he can tell, the baby isn't here yet. He is super involved with our son, but when I ask him about pregnancy and birth issues he clams up. He keeps saying that it is my body and I counter by saying it is OUR baby. I think he is also very scared of the whole birth experience since it was so traumatic last time.

I would recommend talking it out and finding out what might be freaking your SO about the questions and decisions. I am way more at peace with what happened last time, but he is still harboring a lot of anger and guilt about the complications. And it could be as simple as "out of sight out of mind". Baby's not here yet so it isn't as big on his radar. You can't ignore the kicks and lovely pregnancy symptoms, but our SOs can be blissfully ignorAnt until they see you struggling to get up or peeing yourself!

KidShrink · February 2016

Thanks again everyone for the support and helping me realize my DH isn't the only one to be that way (one of my best friends just gave birth and her husband- and her- are quite the perfectionists, so he definitely was more (too?) involved in the decision making, probably increasing the contrast for me.

We talked it out last night. DH stated he didn't want to read the book. Part of this is because he wants to get the info from the prenatal classes (which I guess in our case ended up being somewhat late because they're the first two Saturdays of March as opposed to the 7 Wednesday night that they also offered, which would have started much earlier). But thank you @dshannah , I'm definitely going to look up 'Call the Midwife'. When I explained to him my point of view (i.e. I feel like he's not participating in the decision-making, and that's fine, although I'd like his support and don't want to hear that I'm calling allnthe shots when he's been given an opportunity too; also, there are things I need him to take the initiative for, because if I have to keep reminding him, then I'm a nag, and that's not what I want to be), he got it, and we were able to take care of most questions. We'll be doing more research on the cord blood banking this weekend to settle that one (I found some videos on different cord blood bank websites). I explained to him how this was a personal decision, not a right/wrong thing that the doctor would make a clear indication about for either way. I did ask the OB I saw yesterday though (I have a main one, and then I rotate to meet the other ones in case they are the on-call doctor that day). I really liked the one I got yesterday- she's about my age and recently had a baby, so when I asked her about it, she was able to give me info from her OB and mom perspective. She didn't bank it because they have no family history of problems which could be treated with stem cells. She also said that the real benefits of delayed clamping are for preemies (they really need all the blood they can get). On DH's side, there's no family history that would lead us to decide to bank (and public banking isn't an option, for some reason it's not offered in all hospitals here). The issue is my family history: one of my aunts passed away from leukemia when she was 20 (she was my favourite aunt, possibly because she was the youngest, and I was 5), both my grandfathers died from cancer, one of my grandmas had cancer (but survived and is still doing pretty awesome for 83), one cousin died of brain cancer at 25 or so, and a few aunts on my mom's side may have had cancer as well (not in touch with them, so not 100% sure). I also used to work with kids who had cancer, and two of them (one with leukemia) passed away. Before deciding to become a psychologist, I wanted to be a cancer researcher. So all that is playing in my decision and making it harder- I just feel that I couldn't forgive myself for not having done it if something were to happen.

We also cleared some stuff in regards to family staying over after the birth (because we live far from everyone). Interestingly, he started telling me that he spoke about it with one of his colleagues at work (a really nice guy, who's probably old enough to be our dad). This colleague really reinforced my point and told him that we really didn't want that many people in the house. It was nice to know that he did care enough to have these conversations with other people he trusts.

What's nice to see too is that part of why he doesn't want to read all the books is because he feels pretty confident. I think part of this is also innocence, but I guess the prenatal courses will take care of that

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