Dread and sadness about returning back to work and our normal routine

roxgibbons · February 2016

I woke up this morning with a heavy sense of dread and sadness. I go back to work on Monday and although it's only Friday I am dreading getting back to our normal routine. Ever since Tuesday when we found out our little passed my husband hasn't left my as we grieve this loss together. Although family and friends have reached out expressing their condolences and my mother has come by to bring us food and check in on us, he has been there to hold me when I cry, and to just talk about everything. We understand each others level of pain. It's been comforting and I feel a sense of safeness just being home with him if that makes sense.
On Monday it's back to our normal routine of work and life and since I can't strap my husband to my body and drag him to work with me- I feel like I'm on my own facing everyone and that terrifies me. I'm scared of crying at work and not being able to control myself. My co-worker returns on Monday from paternity leave and I know he'll be gushing about his baby as he should be being a new father and all, but I feel like I'm going to lose it. I'm just scared right now and so raw.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

I am sorry. For so many of these experiences, there really are no words. Some thoughts below based on my experience, in case it could be helpful.

Do you have any flexibility to take additional sick time or work from home to ease yourself back into things? Does anyone at work know what you are going through? If possible, plan to leave early, take walks (to get lunch/coffee, or just to get out), especially in the first few days.

I took almost 2 weeks off after our loss, although I started doing some work from home the second week and am very lucky to have that ability. I had planned on 1 week, but then I had a setback in my physical recovery and there was no way I was going back after ER Saturday/cytotec Sunday (the day before I had been planning to t. I also chose to come back on a Friday so it would be one day and then rest for a few days. And I actually have found it nice to get immersed in new projects, get excited about potential new work, etc. I got something new that was super complicated and confusing my first day back, and while it really tired me out, it was a major distraction. One thing I have been balancing is how to let myself feel happy or excited again without minimizing the loss that I know I will always feel, and I think that these small work victories are helpful in that regard.

My office has been very understanding--my 3 closest work friends know, so they check on me and see how I'm doing (plus they gave us meal delivery and have been so, so supportive). Everyone else knows that I was sick (I was supposed to be on vacation, so I had to explain that I had a change in plans due to illness and I would be not totally disconnected but not in the office), and people are pretty much very supportive without prying. It was actually really nice to get the "glad you're back" comments.

roxgibbons · February 2016

Thank you @BrightenMySky for your insight and advice. When we found out about the loss, I wrote my boss and a couple of my co-workers whom I work closely with to let them know what happened. Two of my co-workers knew I was pregnant and have been very supportive through our infertility journey. They, including my boss told me not to worry about work and to just concentrate on healing this week. I know getting back into the swing of things will be helpful to some degree but it's the waves of grief I fear. At least in the comfort of my own home I can just let it out. I do have some flexibility although my boss is a little rigid about working from home. I'm hoping she will be kind and understand that this isn't me being lazy, it's me getting through grief. I was considering writing an email to her today to just confirm I'll be back at work on Monday and just let her know that I may need some flexibility in the next two weeks to duck out early if needed or to work from home if I need to. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but I feel alone, empty and scared. I'm just hoping for the best outcome and a little compassion.

On another note- I noticed on some other message you do acupuncture. I was going to start a couple of months ago to help with our treatments and then we found out I was pregnant so I never started. I wrote the acupuncturist yesterday and explained what happened and she was very kind and was able to get me in next Friday. Do you find it helpful? I was just curious what your experience has been like.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

@roxgibbons yes, I do think it was helpful. I go to someone that specializes in fertility (natural cycles and medicated/ART). For what I had been doing, which is Clomid, trigger shot, IUI, my acupuncturist does treatment during Clomid, post-trigger, and post-IUI. I did acupuncture the cycle I got my BFP. I continued in the first tri, and I think it helped with morning sickness (it at least increased my appetite a bit). I also found it to be generally relaxing, if nothing else. I have heard about some acupuncturists that work very closely with fertility clinics and will treat you at the clinic. Mine does not do that, though.

One question I have from your siggy if you don't mind is what to expect with the saline u/s. My RE said he may do one when I go in for my next baseline, so I won't know for sure beforehand whether I'm getting it or not.

MamaBish · February 2016

It's very hard to return to work. My suggestion, if you can, is to buy some large over ear headphones to wear. This way, you can either listen to music to drown out others and/ or just wear them without sound so people know to leave you alone. It worked for me. Best of luck to you!

RiverSong15 · February 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that it does get easier. For me, the first time doing anything (going to work, drinking, skiing, eating sushi, etc.) after the MC was the hardest. It's always accompanied by the sad thought that I wouldn't be doing this otherwise. But after that, I settled back into my routine, and it's much easier. I still have sad moments and days, but it's better than that first day. So, hugs. Find whatever you need to make it through that first hour, first day, then first week. And don't be afraid to do what you need to do to take care of yourself first.

roxgibbons · February 2016

@BrightenMySky the saline ultrasound wasn't too bad at all. The RE inserted a catheter and if my memory serves me correctly he first used a speculum to get the catheter in the cervix and pumped in the saline solution. He pumped in about two syringes worth. There was no cramping or discomfort. They just get a better image of what's going on inside since they get the differentiation. I remember my uterus looked black and my polyp showed up bright white. My nurse had suspected I had a fibroid or polyp during my follie scan for my second IUI and the RE confirmed it with the saline u/s. I was scheduled for a hysterscopy to get it removed in January but ended up pregnant. My OB is hoping it came out during the D&C but I need to follow up with the RE next week.
I'm really hoping the acupuncture helps. The one I met with specializes in fertility issues and treatments during IUI and IVF. But like you said if anything- hopefully it'll be relaxing.

@Riversong15 and @MamaBish thank you for the advice- if there were anytime to be my own advocate and do what I need to do to make it through the day now is the time. I know the first couple days will be rough but I know it will eventually get easier. The headphone idea is great. I will definitely come up with some new playlists or download some podcasts.

BooksForMe23 · February 2016

I felt the same way returning to work after my miscarriage. I actually had a bit of a panic attack in the car and had to pull over. It turned out to be good to get back to my routine, though. It helped keep me busy and keep my mind off things. Hugs!

KatBH · February 2016

BrightenMySky said:

@roxgibbons yes, I do think it was helpful. I go to someone that specializes in fertility (natural cycles and medicated/ART). For what I had been doing, which is Clomid, trigger shot, IUI, my acupuncturist does treatment during Clomid, post-trigger, and post-IUI. I did acupuncture the cycle I got my BFP. I continued in the first tri, and I think it helped with morning sickness (it at least increased my appetite a bit). I also found it to be generally relaxing, if nothing else. I have heard about some acupuncturists that work very closely with fertility clinics and will treat you at the clinic. Mine does not do that, though.

One question I have from your siggy if you don't mind is what to expect with the saline u/s. My RE said he may do one when I go in for my next baseline, so I won't know for sure beforehand whether I'm getting it or not.

Hopefully your doctor mentioned it, but I would make sure you're prepared just incase. My doctor recommends taking 3 ibuprofen beforehand, so I've done 3 in the morning and 3 and hour before my appointment. I forgot to take any before my first saline ultrasound and and I was in so much pain I nearly vomited. With the ibuprofen it was very manageable, just strong bloating and cramping during the procedure, and it faded over about an hour. Everyone reacts differently but it is common to at least have a lot of discomfort.

Hope that helps!

BrightenMySky · February 2016

Thanks, @KatBH. I had an hsg and took 4 ibuprofen an hour before and was more or less fine (a little bloated during and after w/some cramping afterwards), so I will consider doing the same before my baseline just in case.

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