First Pregnancy (FET) & Miscarriage (Intro)

danica01 · February 2016

My heart breaks for anyone reading this because I know you are feeling the heartbreak I am experiencing and this is the hardest thing in the world. I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart and soul that you too are losing your little one. I don't know where else to turn than to those who may be crying with me right now.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for a few years and we started IVF last October. I have Lupus and so we knew this road would be bumpy but my dream of becoming a mama would be worth every twist and turn. We made it through the horrible stimulation experience but were so blessed to have 4 6 day beautiful blastocysts waiting for us once my body recovered chilling out in their little freezing homes. Our first FET was with one little snow baby and it never took. That was devastating but easier to process. A month later we decided to take two little snow babies and give it another try. After the dreaded to week wait we found out for the first time in all of my 36 years we were in fact pregnant. The numbers just kept going and going and every other day I was high fived by my amazing infertility team. We even did baby dances in the halls because they wanted this so bad for us. I like to think I am their favorite patient but I am sure we all like to feel that way.

We finally made it to our first ultrasound and my husband and I were so excited that I cried tears of joy all the way there. Once it was finished the doctor told us that the baby was measuring a little smaller than expected and that we would do another hcg draw and another one the following day just to make sure that we had a little one growing slower but still growing. The numbers for that day were perfect and so the next day I thought it would be ok. It wasn't. This past Tuesday I went in for another level check just to confirm what we were told to prepare ourselves for. Our numbers dropped by 1,000 and I was in fact miscarrying. I was given the option to go in today and have one last ultrasound for my own heart but chose not to. I couldn't see my little blueberry one more time knowing that it would stay a little blueberry forever.

I am now in the holding pattern of waiting for the inevitable to start. I have to go in every week still and watch those once rising levels continue to fall. We have one more little snow baby waiting for me and my heart to heal. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to heal from this loss and find faith to try once more. I keep telling myself that maybe once it really starts and the end is here it may allow me to process a bit better. Right now it is still there and I pray every moment that this begins soon and my current suffering can be processed. How are you all handling this? How are you getting through your days? How do we heal?

I try to see my glass as half full. We accomplished what we all thought would be impossible, I was pregnant and in a way I still am. I try to remember that my body welcomed a baby but this baby was not meant to be carried home. Today is hard. I had to go have x-ray on my crazy joints and I filled out all of the paperwork. I wrote down that I am not pregnant and when my last period was. As I climbed on the table they asked how I knew I wasn't pregnant with my period being so long ago and I had to look at them and say because I am in the process of miscarrying. Open mouth and insert foot for them. That was the trigger and I had to run home afterwards and pull the covers over my head.

My amazing best friend is 16 weeks pregnant and my beautiful baby sister is 14 weeks. When will my miscarriage start and will it hurt? How do I show joy for my loved ones when my heart is so broken? I am so sorry it is so long but I am reaching for hope and others who are going through this with me.

zrain · February 2016

I'm so sorry you're going through this sorrow, especially after so much effort and hope and excitement. I too had a missed miscarriage and had to wait to miscarry, not knowing what to expect. Unfortunately there's no way to know when it will happen and what it will be like, but for me it helped to hear others' experiences so that I could be at least somewhat prepared when it did. I found out at my first ultrasound (7w2d) that baby's heart rate was slow and it only measured 6w1d. They drew betas, which were going down. I did go to a follow up ultrasound a week later to confirm that the heart had stopped beating. I'd read that it can take days to weeks after a diagnosis for the miscarriage to actually happen. I miscarried on what would have been 9w1d. It started as spotting for a few days off an on, then bleeding and then contractions and the miscarriage itself. For me it was uncomfortable and intense, but I wouldn't exactly call it painful. I had read that being in water in the shower or tub had helped others, and it definitely helped me. Also rocking back and forth and making a low moaning noise (my therapist told me that this opens up the pelvic floor and also has a calming/meditative effect). I did it without my husband there, but it might be helpful to have someone with you. I do feel like the worrying about when and what it would be like was worse than when it actually happened.

As far as showing joy for your loved ones, I think right now you need to do whatever is right for you. They will probably feel a little awkward and it might help to talk to them about how you're feeling and what you need from them.

Another thing that helped me was deciding how to remember my baby. It's so hard when you never got to meet them and had such a fleeting time enjoying their presence. I got a beautiful little box to bury my baby in once I miscarried. Others on here have gotten urns. I also got a tattoo so that I'll have a permanent reminder with me of the joy I felt for those 4 weeks I was pregnant.

This board and the trying to conceive after loss (TTCAL) boards have been incredibly helpful. It's therapeutic to be able to talk about these things with other women who have been through it and know what you're feeling.I'm sorry to meet you here, but I hope you find the support you need here and from your family and friends to get through this difficult time. *hugs for you*

danica01 · February 2016

I cried tears of joy just seeing that someone responded to me. I am so sorry you have had to go through this too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story with me. It allows me to understand what could possibly happen and what I can possibly expect. More importantly it makes me feel less alone. I see an amazing acupuncturist and I am seeing her on Monday and I am hoping it helps physically or at the least emotionally. It is this weird limbo. You want it all over but at the same time you want to hang on just a little longer because I don't ever want to forget it happened.

I am going to take some time and do what you recommend. I am going to find a way to memorialize my little blueberry. I am not sure how yet but I think you are right. It may allow me to heal but also celebrate that it was here and it was growing until it wasn't. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hate we all have to come across each others path this way. I think relying on others going through this will be the most helpful emotionally.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. This is such a rollercoaster, and fertility treatments are a whole other ride in and of themselves.

My experience has included a d&c, then cytotec when I was having intense cramping b/c of retained material, and now I am waiting to see if I can pass the rest naturally or if my RE will recommend additional intervention. When I took the cytotec, I lit a candle in the bathroom that I could see while lying in bed, and that gave me something to focus on when I was lying down and then it made the bathroom smell nice and relaxing.

I think what I was maybe least prepared for was what I assume was a hormone flood. I was intensely emotional--beyond sad, really crying hard--and while I still have those sad moments and just start crying, I felt like I was really in a different place. And then I get hormonal migraines, and about a week after the d&c (and the day after I took the cytotec) I had some pretty severe migraine pain.

I am hopefully going to see my acupuncturist on Monday. I hadn't been since the loss, mostly because I just didn't want to interact with anyone if I didn't feel like it, but I really like my acupuncturist and hope it will make me feel better (physically and/or emotionally, I will take what I can get). I hope you also have a good acupuncture session on Monday.

As for remembering my first baby, I got a bracelet from Etsy with an inscription on the inside that I have not taken off since it arrived. I figure as time goes on, maybe I will, but there's no reason I have to decide now.

Sending you hugs and we are here for you.

kayham12 · February 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss and your treatment that didn't take. Miscarriage is the worst thing I have ever been in my life and leaves us with so many questions.

I miscarried at a little over 15 weeks. Baby measured almost 9 weeks. I was only in pain passing the tissue, I think I was mostly scared. I was supposed to have a D&C and started miscarrying at home in the middle of the night. I felt my water break and within 2 hours it was over. I think it did help to have DH there. It is scary for sure and I don't think anyone will be able to prepare you for the amount of blood there will be.

I had some retained tissue and had to take a round of Cytotec. I had some pretty bad bowel problems for about a week after. It has helped me to remember my lost baby. We planted a tree in the back yard and I am going to frame the ultrasound picture with the lyrics from Bluebonnets by Aaron Watson. His daughter was still born and he captures the feelings well.

I pray that you get your rainbow baby and that your heart heals from this terrible loss.

yolandamunoz · February 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfortunate to meet this way, but I've found this board very helpful as I go through this process.

I had a D&C on feb 5th. We waited for a couple of weeks for it to happen naturally but it didn't, so my doctor advised to do this procedure. I am thankful that this is how it went because I was so scared of his happening with me alone, at home or worse, at work.

I had a blighted ovum, sac measured 5 weeks and I found out around week 7. We were so happy with this, my first pregnancy, we had just started trying. The news were devastating for us. Thank god my husband has been really great and supportive, also my parents who are the only ones who knew.

I feel the d&c is helping me to have closure. I never felt so sad as the moment I woke up from anesthesia after surgery.. I couldn't stop crying, knowing that my baby was not with me any more... Day by day I try to go back to normal, but when I remember I cry a little ... I know this sadness will be with me forever but I will learn to live with it.

To remember our baby we got a Japanese Jizu statue. They have this tradition where they put these statues (baby like) as offerings in the temple, to ask the gods to protect their unborn or stillborn babies, who they call water babies, as they never left the womb. I find this tradition so full of meaning and beautiful, it has brought some peace to or souls.

i hope you -and all of us- start to feel better soon, and then get your rainbow baby.

hugs
Y-

roxgibbons · February 2016

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Dealing with the emotional roller coaster of infertility and then to have to deal with a loss is beyond devastating. I know how you feel because I have dealt with both. I was so happy when we conceived and we felt truly blessed for the last few weeks. Unfortunately we found out yesterday we lost our baby and I opted for a D&C. My best friend miscarried naturally and she told me it started two weeks from the date she found out. I can understand your desire to hold on- for me although I was relieved after the D&C was over my heat was broken at the same time because I knew my little one was gone.

All I can say is that this pain is so intense, please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel however you need to feel in the moment- your family and friends will understand- we are all here for you- take care of yourself

danica01 · February 2016

Thank you all so much for sharing the stories of your loss and deafening emotional pain. I am waiting and waiting for it to just start just so I know it is over. Carrying around my blueberry knowing it is no longer alive is paralyzing when it comes to the mourning process. I have given my body until Tuesday, that is my dropping HCG monitoring appointment and then I will ask what my options are. I want to naturally let it happen but I am stuck in a holding pattern, I can not go through this for 30 days and even another week may be too emotional for me to handle. I may request some medical assistance to move this along so I can truly start healing. I am so thankful you shared how you handled the wait of the miscarriage naturally and just reassuring me that in fact i have a choice in my care and how I want this to happen. You gave me a boost of confidence in order to address this situation with my doctor. I too suffer from hormonal headaches and they have been brutal over the last few days. I am sure the constant crying is not helping. That may be what pushed me over the edge and requesting the D&C.

I have ordered and hand stamped necklace with a beautiful saying about loss and heaven. I am not a very religious person but found this comforting to my grieving heart. I have also shared my loss through writing in my blog about the loss itself. It feels therapeutic when I have no words to vocalize but words that reside in my heart.

I am trying to allow myself to grieve the way I need to and not allow others to push into their ideas of what greiving should be because I do know what I personally need. Lots of time, having the miscarriage actually start while I am home and being snuggled in my bed when it is impossible to get out, that is what my heart needs in these moments. I have another friend who is pregnant and she has invited me over for the day on Saturday. She thinks it will be wonderful for me get out of the house and spend time with friends. I did not say this but wanted to tell her that being around her 7 months pregnant and readying her nursery is not where a mother who is losing their child should be. I am not anywhere close to being ready for a situation like that and will respect my feelings and find comfort in the moments by myself when I can scream and cry as I need to.

I wish I could take away all of our pain so that we too could be celebrating what is yet to come instead of the heartbreak knowing what never will be. I love you all even though we have never met because we are grieving together as well as learning to step forward together.

zrain · February 2016

I didn't mention it in yesterday's response, but I felt the same way about wishing the miscarriage would happen already. I felt stuck, like I couldn't move forward at all until it happened, and I spent pretty much all my time on the couch or in bed just waiting. If you do feel like it would help you to have it happen naturally, there are several things you could try to get things moving. I scheduled an acupuncture appointment to help start my miscarriage but it happened the night before my appointment. I was doing physical therapy at the time and I worked out extra hard and pushed myself, as my midwife said intense exercise could help. I took huge doses of vitamin C (1000mg every 2 hours during the day and 2000mg every 4 hours at night). I also had a massage that focused on all the areas that should be avoided during pregnancy. I miscarried 4 days after starting those things. It could have been a coincidence, but I like to think that's what got things going, and it helped me endure the waiting because I felt like I had some control and was doing something to help my body let go. That being said, you choose whatever feels right for you. Every way to miscarry (naturally, cytotec, D&C) has it's pros and cons, and whichever you choose will be hard, but will help you move forward and heal.

I'm glad you found a necklace to help remember your blueberry, and also that you recognize what you need and are able to advocate for yourself and be alone and cry when you need to.

*hug*

BrightenMySky · February 2016

I wished it had happened naturally, but given when my baby's growth stopped, it seemed like it had already been a few weeks with nothing. And then once I found out, I felt like I just needed to stay in bed and wait, so I ultimately decided to seek intervention. I kind of wish I had tried acupuncture, but I was not in a good place to make a decision and my acupuncturist said she would not recommend doing acupuncture if I decided to take the pills (unsure why), so I didn't go because I didn't want to close off any options. Plus I just didn't feel like committing to any appointments or talking to yet another person about what was going on.

You have the right to be as informed as you would like to be about all of your options and choose which one is best for you. And it's totally ok to think that what seemed right at one point isn't what turns out to be what you want. I found out on a Thursday, got an rx for cytotec over the weekend in case I wanted to fill it, and then decided Friday to ask to be put on the schedule for a d&c Monday, figuring I could cancel if I changed my mind, and ended up going in for the procedure.

And I hear you on the crying + headaches. I don't like to take tons of drugs, but I have been taking whatever seems like it might help right now to try to reduce the physical pain--imitrex (had worked for me previously), decongestants & antihistamines, caffeine, etc. Plus I've gotten some relief from hot showers, acupressure pillow, and heating pad on the face.

Your necklace sounds beautiful.

danica01 · February 2016

I don't know if it was the release of emotions from sharing with all of you but late into the night last night I started spotting (bright pink). It has continued throughout the day. It is not heavy yet but a panntyliner is needed. I pray with all my heart and soul that this is the beginning. I am seeing my acupuncturist on Monday so I know inside this will help me. I actually feel it was the added acupuncture that allowed implantation to even occur. They are undoubtedly one of the most supported bits in my medical team. The doctor called me in some anxiety meds, nausea meds and I have pain meds that I use for the Lupus that I will take. I have been told the key is to stay on top of it so that when you are in the hardest part it will make it a bit easier, at least physically. I am not going to even hesitate for a moment to take the meds.

It was so comforting to know that we almost all stay in bed. I apologize to my husband every day and night that I am sorry that I can't seem to get out of bed. He tells me to never apologize and the way I am grieving is what is best for me. It is so weird how I want this to happen so bad but now that it seems to be starting I feel raw again because now I truly have to say goodbye to my pregnancy. These emotions are exhausting to say the least. I have grabbed the heating pad, like some of you mentioned, and have it plugged in and ready to go. I am going to take hot showers to help relax me once it really starts moving along. Thank you for the tips to at least physically make me more comfy.

I have decided to stay home this weekend and live in my little cocoon. I just can not be around my pregnant friends right now. I know in my heart it could set me back with the emotionally healing aspect of this. I will get to a point when I can but I am by no means anywhere near that right now. I am going to listen to all of you and remember I can not push myself into anything I am not ready for and I have to listen to my heart and body.

I have a question for all of.......did you find it helpful to read anything? If you did what books do you recommend that can help? I love to read and I know there are books to help us along but I don't even know where to start.

Hugs to you all and love sent to each of you

BrightenMySky · February 2016

@danica01 I will be sending you extra good thoughts today and this weekend. One thing I liked when I was waiting for things to happen (w/meds) was to have a candle lit in the bathroom. I could see it from my bed when I was curled up, and then it made the bathroom feel more relaxing when I was in there.

I mostly have been reading stuff online, such as the stuff at https://verilymag.com/tag/miscarriage/, although am interested in book suggestions. I brought a copy of Women's Health magazine to read when I was in the ER, and the special health story happened to be about miscarriage in that issue. I didn't find it particularly insightful, but it was comforting in that moment just to read about how many women struggle with this very real pain.

zrain · February 2016

@danica01 I'm glad that things seem to be moving forward and that you have such wonderful support from your husband. I think being cocooned in bed is a good idea (I've pretty much lived on my couch with my dog and a blanket for the past couple weeks), and I really like @BrightenMySky 's idea of having a candle lit when things really start happening. Do whatever you can to make it as comfortable an experience as possible. Yay for having a heating pad ready too, that will make such a difference. I'll be thinking about you and hoping things speed up and you have as good an experience as one can expect from such a thing.

@danica01 and @BrightenMySky I'm also interested in things to read. Let me know if you find anything. I've mostly been reading on here and googling things but I really want to find a book or two. My therapist loaned me "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross about the stages of grief, but it's all about hospital and hospice deaths so it doesn't really help beyond a general explanation of what a normal grief process is. @BrightenMySky thanks for sharing that link, I'll check it out.

roxgibbons · February 2016

@danica01 my thoughts are with you and I'm sending you positive thoughts for your strength and comfort through this difficult time and process. I've been doing google searches on grief and miscarriage and have been reading every article I can. There was an article on the What to Expect website that I found yesterday that was helpful. I can't do the url because I am lame and typing this message on my phone but the title is "After a Miscarriage: What happens and how to cope." I found it very insightful. Hugs to you.

danica01 · February 2016

Hello my friends. For about three hours straight I passed massive amounts of tissue. It was terrible. With every flush of the toilet I felt like I was flushing my blueberry away. I could not have even prepared myself for what emotions came over me. I had to call and report the start of my miscarriage to my fertility team. My amazing nurse called me right back and just talked to me about everything. I am still passing clots here and there but the pain meds seem to help a bit as long as I stay on top of them.

I found a book in the Kindle store that I have been reading today. It is about a mama who lost her little boy later into her pregnancy and how she walked through the grief. It has a religious aspect to it but the message from her as a mama is wonderful and her strength inspirational. I am finding it helpful in a sense that it shows that time will not make this go away but time may heal us a bit. Here it is:

https://www.amazon.com/I-Carried-Angel-Staci-Luker/dp/1490490078

I was able to download it for free. Another one I may read is actually a fictional book but it goes through a group of mama's grieving their loss of their children after miscarriage in a support group. I was reading articles like you all are doing and this book came up a few times. I know it is fictional but some have said they found strength within these fictional characters because of what we are going through. It couldn't hurt and maybe just maybe it could help:

https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Dust-Deanna-Roy/dp/0984187928

@BrightenMySky I lit a candle this evening and it is so comforting and gives off a warm glow every time I have to run in. The smell is one of my favorites and reminds me of Christmas so it brings happy thoughts. Thank you for the idea and I think of you everytime I look at it.

The heating pad is my best friend and my phone has been turned off for some privacy tonight. Can I ask you all......when you found out what was happening did you sit and go over everything you did and wonder if there is anything you could have done different that would have resulted in a different outcome? I have spoke to my nurse about these thoughts and she reassures me every time that I did nothing wrong and that my blueberry was not going to be healthy and that is why it had to go. I just wondered if we all have to go through that kind of questioning within ourselves no matter what and if it is normal part of the process. I wished for this to start for so many days and now that it has I find myself grieving all over again. Tonight I feel very empty both physically and emotionally.

zrain · February 2016

I very much wish I could give you a big hug right now. I'm glad for your sake that this is happening so you don't have to worry anymore and I'm so so sorry for the feelings of loss that come up while going through it.

I'm a nurse and have a strong understanding of physiology and genetics and completely understand the most likely reasons why I miscarried, and yet I still have those occasional what if worries that I did something to cause it. I worry that I exercised too hard in physical therapy or that I didn't eat well enough or because I had a heating pad on my belly once. My logical brain is pretty quick to jump back in and remember that none of those cause miscarriages and that it was a random chromosomal error, but for that moment of doubt I feel terrible. So anyway, yes I have those thoughts too. Just remember that that's all they are: unpleasant thoughts without any truth. Be kind to yourself. I agree, none of this is fair, especially that we have to feel these sorts of things while already mourning our babies.

Oh, and thank you for the book suggestions

BrightenMySky · February 2016

Sending you so many good thoughts @danica01. I am glad you found some helpful things to read and that your nurse is supportive. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I did wonder a bit about what I could have done differently, although not at first. I do know from testing that there was a chromosomal abnormality, and I've actually started wondering more now that I know. Even though I have been told that our particular issue is most likely totally random, I do wonder if I could have taken different supplements to prevent it. The fact that my mind goes there more no that I actually have a reason, which I know so many people never get, just seems to emphasize how irrational it is.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

@danica01 just wanted to check in this morning to see how you are doing and so you know you are in my thoughts (and I am sure the thoughts of many of the other ladies here). Please don't feel like you have to reply if you don't feel like it, just wanted to send you more hugs.

danica01 · February 2016

@BrightenMySky I am hanging in there.. Todays is just red blood but nothing like yesterday. I am still feeling quite a bit of cramping and I am hoping that is normal and the hormone headache is back with a vengeance. I figured it is the drop in the hormones causing it. The tissue and clots have passed. I have to share something with you all because you are all I have to share this with. Last night I had a heavy cramp and ran to the bathroom and just pushed through it (even my menstrual cramps feel better when I do that) and I clean myself up and stand up to flush the toilet. There in the bottom was a tiny round sac like thing about the size of a blueberry and a tiny string like attachment hung right off of it perfectly attached. I screamed for my husband and he said that he was thinking exactly what I was thinking. I looked at him and said you have to flush because I can not. Bless his heart he looked right at me the entire time and flushed it without hesitation. I don't know if that is what I saw but I had been studying everything I passed up to the point because in a mama sense I didn't want to miss it. It was crippling.

I feel today I am mourning the loss of my blueberry but now I am also mourning the loss of just being pregnant. I find myself just staring off with no particular thoughts in mind, just staring. I am trying to surround myself with things that make me smile. My sister (the one who is not pregnant) loves Gobstoppers and growing up we ate tons of them. I am missing her being here with me right now and found myself wanting nothing but Gobstoppers last night. Once I had them I smiled thinking of the two of us sharing a box. It is silly but I had a bit of her with me. My nieces are my pride and joy and Holly keeps sending me silly pictures of them to make me smile while I am crying. On Valentine's Day (we found out the Friday before) my youngest niece Mia (4) asked her mommy if she could send Aunt Danica a picture. When it came through my phone there was her beautiful face holding up a tiny conversation heart that said Miss You. It was what I needed in that exact moment.

Please don't think I am crazy. Since we found out we were losing our blueberry I can not sleep in the dark and I can not sleep in silence. Greg has been sleeping on the couch so that I could have the tv on and lights on so that when I wake up I am not in the dark or in a quiet room. It has made it a bit easier for me at night. Well, over the last 48 hours I am so terrified to even go to sleep. This is where I am hoping you don't think I am crazy. I am afraid I am going to go to sleep and not wake up. I think about my little blueberry being alive one moment and then not. I know this is not what happened but I imagine blueberry going for a rest and not waking up. I panic just thinking about it. I know it is weird but it is me. I also can not find the strength or even desire to pick up around the house. I feel so emotionally drained and still having cramps so I just build up a little fort in my bed and have books, remotes and computers within reaching distance so I can just stay in my protected fort. Have you all had a hard time just wanting to get up and clean, do the dishes or laundry?Our house is a disaster and I feel so guilty for it but have NO desire to touch anything. I keep reminding myself it has only been a week since we received the news and I HAVE to be kind to my body and soul and not rush anything just like you all have told me. I do not want to force to steps forward only to fall five steps back.

One more thing that has been weighing on my heart.....all of you!!!!!! Here I am and each of you have grabbed my hand and helped lead me through all of this and I have not asked each of you how you are doing. So here I go my friends......

@zrain I see you had your miscarriage on February 10 You are ten days past right now. How are you doing? How are and your family holding up? Sometimes I think being a nurse would have its benefits but I also think it could hurt even more knowing exactly what your body is doing. Thank you for sharing how you also worry that you may have done something even when you know it's not the truth.

@kayham12 Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I am sure it is hard to but I wanted to let you know you sharing and allowing yourself to go back to that pain is such bravery and selflessness to give others support.

@yolandamunoz Thank you for the idea of memorializing our lost littles and I have a necklace on the way. I hope it brings me a sense of comfort like your statue does for you and your family. Thank you.

@roxgibbons You and I miscarried almost around the exact same time. How are you making it through your days? I am thinking of you because every step of the way I know you are right there with me in this painful moment in time.

@BrightenMySky I truly feel guided by your words. I find myself rereading things you have posted to me over and over when I am at my worst and finding comfort knowing I am thought of. I am so grateful for your message of just checking on me. I feel your hugs in my heart. I am so thankful that you took the time to respond to me and have been here with me ever since.

All of you truly have become some of the best parts of my days right now. I can pick your brains, cry with you and tell you things that others may find crazy. I truly am blessed that I decided to reach out for support and feel as though there is not a support group I could physically go to that would help more than all of you have with your words. You have touched my heart and soul and as the pain continues physically I know that I am not alone emotionally. I feel like you all have showed that grief should not be rushed and I can feel sad as long as I need to and let go of the tears when I am moved to.

By the way, I have started reading the fictional book about miscarriage and loss, Baby Dust, and it truly is touching. I will keep you posted as I get through it to let you know how it is even deeper in. Also, I have been coloring my heart out in my coloring books when I have the strength and comfort to sit up.

roxgibbons · February 2016

My eyes are filled with tears reading this. The pain is just too much to bear sometimes. I get angry, angry that any of us are going through this and that we are hurting and had to lose our babies.

I'm getting through the day moment to moment- the mornings are the hardest for me. I wake up early and I just sit in silence repeating everything in my head and then I just lose it- it's been like that every morning since Tuesday. I've been trying to keep busy making lists of things I need to do, trying to accomplish what I can- and just talking to my husband grieving, processing and just crying. What helped me today was actually being there for my husband. He hasn't left my side since Tuesday and I noticed today he's been really down. He's been trying to be so strong for me. It actually made me feel good supporting him and listening to him- I made him his favorite sandwich today, and just sat with him while he shared with me how angry and helpless he felt. It helped me a lot helping him. At other moments, I'm just trying to be patient with myself, and repeating positive things when I have the strength to.

You are not crazy, you are processing a loss and trying to wade through this grief as best as you can. You're doing great and I can tell you are a strong woman.
I am so sorry you went through this and are in pain. We are all here to listen.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

@danica01I absolutely do not think you are crazy. Right after we found out about our loss, I was having severe anxiety about DH getting hurt while he wasn't with me, or of us getting into an accident together, so I think I can relate to your feelings about not waking up. I felt similar to how I feel now after I was in a car accident just over 5 years ago where I basically walked away but my car was totaled and it was very scary. These things that make us see how fragile life is can trigger so many feelings. DH told me that he feels the same way about me, and that helped to know that I'm not trapped in my paranoid mind, so I think to some extent these feelings are normal, but I think if it dominates my thinking as time goes on, I might try therapy to balance things out.

As for our house, DH has been doing most of the cleaning/tidying (and certainly all a few weeks ago when the loss was fresher, to the extent any cleaning was happening). We also had our dogwalker come everyday (usually she's just here twice a week), so we knew our furbaby would be taken care of even if we could only manage a short walk. Please do not be hard on yourself about this.

And your beautiful words made me cry. I am so sorry we are all here and meeting this way, but so grateful for this group.

zrain · February 2016

@danica01 Thanks for letting us know how you're doing. I'm glad it sounds like the worst of it is over, and that your husband was able to be there to help you after you passed your baby. When I passed the gestational sac I was in the shower and I picked it up to show it to my DH before I put it in the box I got because I felt like I needed him to see it too.

You don't sound crazy. Sounds like pretty normal grief to me. Like @BrightenMySky I also kept thinking every time my DH left the house that he'd get in a car accident or something and just be gone and I'd never see him again. Losing a baby really shoves our own mortality in our faces. I've really found it helpful going to my therapist and talking through things, especially when I worry about how I'm feeling and she can explain that it's all normal.

Thank you for asking how we're all doing. You are so sweet

I'm actually doing a little better today. The day I saw baby had no heartbeat I went into a weird dissociated foggy state and had trouble feeling or doing anything. On Thursday I had acupuncture and I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but I snapped out of that fog after my appointment. It was painful and I've been crying a lot the last few days, but it's so good to feel again, and today for the first time I felt hopeful that I'd be ok some time soon. I did absolutely no cleaning or cooking for about 2 weeks after we first learned I was probably going to miscarry. The last few days I've been making an effort to do a couple things around the house. I started off with a goal of doing just one thing (like doing the dishes or tidying up a room). Now my goal is two things (today I did laundry and ran an errand). I know that sounds like barely anything, but I'm so proud of myself for accomplishing something. I'm going to try to increase it slowly. I go back to work tomorrow for the first time in 7 weeks, which I'm really nervous about, but I think it will be good to be distracted. My DH is doing ok. He never really worries about anything and I think he just assumes we'll get pregnant again soon. I know he's sad for losing the baby, but it's more abstract for him since he didn't carry it. He's been very supportive of me though and is respectful of my grief process. My mom has taken it pretty hard, mostly because she knows how much I'm hurting. When we found out I was going to miscarry I emailed her and told her what happened and that I wasn't ready for phone calls. Thank goodness she respected that. She sends me emails every once in a while and I respond a little bit if I feel like it but I don't think she expects a response. Every once in a while I email her just to say that I'm going to be ok. I've called and talked to her on the phone twice, but she knows that I call her when I'm ready, she doesn't call me. Seems to be working out.

It sounds like you're doing what you need to for you right now. Take it slow and know that things will get a little bit easier with time. In the mean time, just do what helps you heal. I'm so glad we all have each other to give and get support through this.

yolandamunoz · February 2016

Dear @danica01 You are so sweet to ask how we are doing! On top of everything you are going through.

I am glad the worst seems to be over, and I too don't think you are crazy. We all face this pain and react in different ways, so just take the time you need and be kind to yourself. That is what your little baby would want for his/her mommy.

I am also thankful for this board, such nice ladies willing to support each other during the most difficult time of our lives.

I have a friend who has a 1 year old baby girl, and I recently found out that she is a rainbow baby. I didn't know she had a loss but reached out to her to talk about it. She was really nice and supportive when I told her about me: it is true that this is such a painful and difficult experience that only the people who have experienced this can really relate to your feelings. This feeling empty, loneliness and anger all mixed up, is very hard to handle, but we are strong women and here we are.

Hugs to all of you!!
-Y

danica01 · February 2016

Hello my friends. It has been an up and down roller coaster over the last few days. I thought the cramping and passing of the tissue was finished but I was wrong. Over the last day or so I will get waves of horrible cramps and I have realized that when that happens I am about to pass a bit more tissue. When I am just bleeding normally there isn't to much discomfort just when the tissue comes and goes. I keep reminding myself that with each cramp I am one more cramp closer to this being finished.

I had my first acupuncture appointment since we found out we were losing our little blueberry. When my doctor came in she sat with me and let me cry out the emotions I had at the time. She held my hand through the whole wave of tears and then she even shared with me that she experienced a miscarriage before she went on to carry her healthy twins. I felt privileged that she shared her story with me and so comforted that not only was she guiding me from a place of knowledge but from a place of personal experience. I am scheduled to see her every Wednesday from here on out to help me physically heal and emotionally heal so that I will know when I am ready to transfer our last little snow baby.

@roxgibbons daytime is the worst for me too. I can physically hear and see the world going on around me like nothing has happened when in side my entire world has collapsed. I just want to yell and throw stuff at them and tell them someone somewhere is hurting so much and how can they just act as though nothing has happened. Of course they have no clue but inside that is how I feel. I find more comfort in the night myself. My husband is home and even though he is sleeping it is comforting knowing I am not in this living space by myself. I like the quietness outside and the few noises that break through the silence. Another reason, everyone I know is sleeping which means I have no calls to answers, text messages to respond to and just simple moments of grief I can get through in my own way. At this point I would rather stay up all night and sleep all day. My husband told me if that is what I need to do than just do it.

@BrightenMySky I have those fears too. I feel so much better when my husband is at home even if he is just i the other room. I also for some reason feel a need to check in with my sister all the time to make sure they are all ok. I am so thankful you let me know you have these worries and fears too and that I am not alone. Bless my husband's heart, every feel rational or irrational I tell him about because I have this theory if you share it it will take some of it off of my heart and mind. He listened so intently and never makes fun of me.

@zrain I took your approach today. I set a few goals. My first goal was to make it to the acupuncturist and the second was to do the dishes. Well, I made it through both. Tomorrow I have to go have my HCG levels tested and I want to try to start laundry. I think one day at a time and setting small goals will help me feel productive even if it still isn't as much as I normally would do. You went back to work today.......how did you do?????? I thought of you all day hoping you were able to get through it. I think just getting through it is a start.

@yolandamunoz I have found so much comfort with you girls. The nights when I can't sleep I ready your responses again just so I know someone out there is walking this path with me. It is scary and just so helpful to have all of you. I felt so isolated during the first few days until I opened up to all of you. It had me thinking that so many others are probably feeling this way or have went through this before. I blog and in my raw state of emotion that I was in I wrote about the loss on the day we realized our blueberry was leaving us. A few days ago I decided to share it just in case someone else is out there in this moment feeling so alone. It makes my heart sad knowing that once we share others tend to come out of the woodwork who have went through this too. I wish everyone had a place to come to like this and talk about what we are going through during this horrible time.

I am so thankful for all of you. I can truly say that without you all I would not be able to find a way to put one foot in front of the other. I do not feel guilty when I ignore the phone, let the dishes sit or stay in bed watching movies. I do not feel guilty when I tell friends I do not want to go anywhere or stay home just to cry because that is what I need. I would never have been able to leave the guilt if you all hadn't shared your with me. I will let you know tomorrow how far my numbers have dropped and hopefully the cramping gets a bit better soon.

zrain · February 2016

@danica01 Yay! I'm glad you were able to get a couple things done. Doesn't it feel like such a huge accomplishment? I did three things today (vacuumed, did some weeding, and walked an hour on the treadmill) and it feels like such a big deal.

Work yesterday was actually really good. I didn't have my own group of patients, so it wasn't too stressful. I just went around and helped all my coworkers with their patients, and I started an IV on my first try so that gave me a good confidence boost. More importantly, everyone was so wonderful to me. Most of them read about my miscarriage from what I shared on Facebook so they all asked me how I was doing and let me know they were thinking about me. They also asked if they could hug me before actually giving me a hug, which was good because I was able to say no since I would've started crying and I didn't want to lose it in the middle of work. A few coworkers also shared their miscarriage experiences with me, which helped me feel less alone. It was good to be so distracted and busy and surrounded by people I care about.

I hope your cramping and bleeding stops soon. Keep updating us on how you're doing. I'm keeping you in my thoughts. *hug*

danica01 · February 2016

Yesterday my HCG dropped down to 400. It still feels so weird praying for it to go up for so long and now just praying for it to drop so fast! My team is pretty certain we may hit 0 next Wednesday when I am set to go in. I will be happy once it's there but sad to. I just keep reminding myself that it has to go down before we can even start to think about transferring our last little munchkin.

I know this is not a lot BUT by 11am today I had breakfast and showered. Yay for small steps!!!!! I am going to try to get the dishes done and start laundry. My husband decided to do some laundry last night. He said he was just going to do his clothes because of how I am picky and actually sort loads by color like a normal human. So, I transferred his load into the dryer and ALL of his whites are now blue!!!!! We cracked up and I told I was so thankful he did not sacrifice my clothes!!!!! I better get back on laundry duty or else we will have no clothes when this is all said and done

You know what, sharing a silly story with you guys just now made me smile instead of cry.....another small step.

My phone vibrated this morning pretty early and it was my bff who is expecting her third "oops" baby and she shared with me that all genetic testing came back fine and they can now share with the world their wonderful news and I no longer have to keep hr secret. I am so happy for her but those words cut through my heart like a knife. I would be sharing our news in a few weeks with the world if things would have been differently and I am happy for her but for the first time I did not feel sad but angry. This is a new emotion in this process for me and I am not sure if I would rather be angry or sad. I guess I just have to feel both and get through each one as they come.

My Lupus has started to flare so I am going to be in bed for a bit longer than expected. I knew the emotional toll would take a toll on me physically and sure enough it has. Walking is a bit slower and joint pain is a bit rough but as long as I remember all of your words about being kind to my body I will manage......just as long as the husband doesn't attempt to do any more laundry, hehehehehe!!!!!

@zrain My heart took in a huge sigh of relief when I read your words about your first day back!!!!! I thought of you all day yesterday hoping that it would be good to be back and not set you back. It sounds like you work with an amazing group who care about you and want to help you heal through this in your way and at your pace. Asking if they could hug you sounds weird to others who may not have gone through this but for us it is the most respectful thing to do and shows so much compassion. I agree, hugs can trigger so much emotions especially knowing they are coming from a place of sadness for us. You do an amazing job and bring so much into people's lives who you never know. With Lupus I deal a LOT with doctors and nurses. I tell my husband if it was not for the nurses in my life I would have given up on the medical profession a long time ago. You are all so brilliant and yet so compassionate and that is something someone who is chronically ill knows is the biggest blessing in our everyday lives. Thank you for what you do.

roxgibbons · February 2016

I'm all about the little victories right now and showering and getting dressed is definitely a victory in my book. I know our hearts are so hurt and we are going through so much pain, these little victories and progress brings us a little bit closer to healing.

danica01 · February 2016

@roxgibbons you are so right. These little daily activities seem so easy to others but when you are grieving they are like giant mountains we have to climb daily. The hard part is knowing the mountains we climbed today may be difficult tomorrow. One day at a time.

I have cried a bit more today after my friend texting me her joyous news and it's upsetting me more than I could have imagined. I feel broken down once more and having a difficult time connecting with the world today or even really wanting to. Can I ask you guys something.......I am in this weird limbo of where I fit. I am no longer pregnant. The physical act of miscarrying seems to be coming to an end and we are definitely not trying as we have to wait for the timing for our next transfer. Where do we fit in? I do not feel emotionally healed so leaning on all of you is what makes this bearable and I can not imagine a day not checking in and seeing how my friends are doing after their first day back to work, the tiny steps they achieved and knowing that not wanting to get out of bed is ok. I may not fit in with a specific group but I feel like I fit in with all of you. It is trying but you are all comforting.

I am through on quarter of the book Baby Dust and it really is wonderful. I think we could each see ourselves in each character in our own particular ways. I know I am and it may be fiction but you can tell whomever wrote the book either conducted lots of research or went through a miscarriage before. It is guiding at times.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

@danica01 I check in frequently as well and really feel supported here. The small steps are really good (but sorry about the laundry!). And knowing when you need to stay in bed or otherwise rest is really good, too.

danica01 · February 2016

@BrightenMySky I always feel watched over by you. I know you are thinking of me and you check in on me often. I truly found a friend and beautiful guidance through this ugly time from you. I will keep you posted over the next week and will let you know how HCG levels are next Wednesday. You have been an angel to me and I can never convey how much your support has meant to me.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

Likewise @danica01, and your words mean a lot to me.

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