Community› The Bump Month Clubs› May 2016 Moms
May 2016 Moms
New Discussion

Advice: SO and IL situation

emma+karenemma+karen member
in May 2016 Moms

So, I've posted in a couple other threads about how I'm putting my foot down about my ILs not staying with us, and I mean to do so.  I've also posted before about how socially awkward my FIL is and how it makes me uncomfortable at times. But it's a tricky situation and I need a little advice.

My wife is SUPER close with her dad.  He and his wife (her stepmom--her mom is deceased, which adds a whole other emotional layer) live about 2 hours away.  So it is easy for them to come down for the day and then leave.  If they really want to come for more than one day, I plan to make it clear I want them to stay in a hotel.

However.  Anytime we even discuss her family visiting, my wife starts in with the guilt.  "I know my dad stresses you out..." Well, yeah, he kind of does, or at least makes me feel like I'm supposed to be entertaining him.  He doesn't jump to help with things, he hovers in doorways instead of taking a seat, he stares at me awkwardly without making conversation when we are alone in a room.  He just has a lot of mannerisms that bug me or rub me the wrong way--no real explanation as to why. 

I'm sure some of these issues are on my side, and I know I'm not blameless in not having a great relationship with my FIL.  He and I are the same in a lot of ways.  I'm a super private person, though, and people I'm not super comfortable with--well, just make me feel uncomfortable, if that makes any sense at all!  I know that I should feel lucky in that I'm not dealing with the nightmare IL situations that some of you have to deal with.  They are perfectly nice people.  I just would never choose to spend time with them if they weren't family.

So, I feel like if I say I don't want them coming around a ton, I'm being a witch for no good reason.  I also feel like my wife will not handle it well if I say I don't want them around very much, and that it will be a strain on our relationship.  Welcoming any ideas or advice.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Pregnancy Ticker

Report Reply to Post

Re: Advice: SO and IL situation

  • Loading the player...
  • cortney626cortney626 member
    My MIL is kind of awkward and I wouldn't want her hanging around all the time either. I'd talk to your wife and let her know how it can be uncomfortable for you. There should be some compromise. If they're staying overnight, that they have to stay in a hotel. They should give notice when coming to visit, etc. Both parties need to be respectful of one another's feelings. I've told DH that it's our house and I don't want to feel uncomfortable in our own home b/c of visitors. 
    Report Reply
  • Bltbear82Bltbear82 member
    @emma+karen if I'm not mistaken you have a DS, right? Perhaps you could borrow an excuse I'm using that no one can really find fault with - we are prioritizing our DS's well being as he moves from an only child to big brother. I know there will be days where he loves it, but it's going to be a major adjustment, so we've hammered it home that in order to do what's best for him we prefer him to be on his normal schedule for the first month.

    That means no staying over all day, he will continue to go to preschool (might go 2 out of 3 days a week instead so we can have some bonding), and continues to do all of his usual activities like the playground etc. I've found people usually start nodding their head as I rant on about the importance of routine for him. Might be worth giving it a try? First win over your SO and let her get on the bandwagon so it comes from her! Good luck, these things are difficult to navigate. 
    Report Reply
  • kbrands7kbrands7 member
    I completely agree with PP. Additionally, since you've been through birth and recovery before, maybe remind her what that's going to entail in case she has forgotten. I know the DH has forgotten some things about the process that I'll never, ever forget simply because he wasn't the one experiencing it. It's important that you have the proper space to recover and bond with your immediate family-- if they just want to visit, it should be at a time that you'll feel comfortable with a visit, and it should have structure to it so that you aren't left feeling like you need to care for a baby, and recover, and care for ILs.
    Report Reply
  • mrstmoosemrstmoose member
    I completely agree with PP. I do think both of you have to be comfortable but I do see where she is coming from on wanting the extra support since she is close with her dad. I would see if you guys could make a compromise. Maybe if they stay in the hotel, then they can spend the day at your house instead of setting up "visiting hours?" 
    Report Reply
  • mrstmoosemrstmoose member
    LadySamLady said:
    This is long so please bear with me. I can relate but my situation is a bit different. My MIL & FIL are evangelical born again Christians - my H is the only one of his 5 siblings that has grown up and no longer identifies with the religion. I grew up in a nonreligious household - mom is Christian and dad is Jewish but neither are religious. Prior to meeting my H I had no experience or exposure to anything close to their level of religiosity, and it has always made me very uncomfortable. I respect their beliefs and they are very well meaning, good people. I'm not religious but I am spiritual and I absolutely believe in a higher power, I pray often, I just don't subscribe to any organized religion. I've had some very serious conversations with my ILs about this and they've told me they wish I would accept Jesus and be saved. They literally told me I'd be perfect in their eyes, if only I could be saved. Needless to say, it doesn't feel great to know that I'm such a disappointment to them (never mind how my H feels about being such a disappointment as a son). I've expressed to them that this is not going to happen and how it makes me feel to hear them say that. They just do not respect my beliefs or that I even have beliefs and despite the many conversations we've had, continue to do and say things that make me uncomfortable. One of my greatest fears is that they will attempt to indoctrinate our child. Anyway, I very recently had a conversation with my H about this fear and he got upset with me. He expressed to me that it is hurtful to him how blatantly uncomfortable and, let's be real, judgmental I am towards his family when it is just him and I. I'm never anything but polite and tolerant to them, I've held hands and thanked Jesus before meals at restaurants in my neighborhood with a smile on my face but I've never bit my tongue when talking about it to my H and he finally told me that it is hurtful to him. He wishes I could accept his family for who they are, that they're truly just being themselves and I need to stop judging them for that. It makes him uncomfortable at times too, but it was the culture he was raised in and my attitude hurts him on a very personal level. I honestly never thought about it that way but he was totally right. I've been insensitive to him and I should work harder to accept his family for who they are. Does that mean I'll always be comfortable around them? No. Does that mean we will allow them to indoctrinate our child with their beliefs? No. But can I suck it up and accept them for who they are for the sake of my husbands feelings? Yes, I can and I will. So I guess the point of my story is, that it might be worth sucking it up for your wifes sake. I don't mean allowing them to hang around 24-7 after you've had the baby, but maybe wait until there is a problem before you draw a line in the sand. Initially I went into that conversation with my H saying that I wanted him to set the boundaries with his parents now, but he made me realize that it is hurtful to assume they will act inappropriately. And as much as it is hard for me, I decided that I can give them the benefit of the doubt for his sake.

    Sorry this is so long!

    ETA: I really hope this post does not offend anyone. I have no problem with Christianity or any other religion and I think faith-based communities are wonderful and valuable. I do not look down on anyone for their religious beliefs. What bothers me is having other peoples beliefs pushed on me.
    I think this is important. As frustrated and as mama bear-ish we all are once LO is here, maybe we should also give people the benefit of the doubt. I say this as I'm having a really crap moment at work and am hormonal. So this made me take a step back and breathe. :)
    Report Reply
  • Soontobejones33Soontobejones33 member
    @LadySamLady Yep. So true. Amen.  :)
    Similar issues here. Although holding my tongue at home as well as public is irritating. Especially since my pregnancy hormones make me easily irritated. Well, more easily. But he appears to be more sensitive since I've been pregnant, which is weird to me. I Think he may be thinking more about how his family treats him and how they will treat the baby. Course not going to admit to that is he? I want my mom here for a bit because she doesn't aggravate me. Though our moms are similar his mom is meaner, more negative, and I feel like treats him poorly in comparison to his siblings. I'd rather she not come to stay over. I don't mind handling people when necessary but that would cause problems between him and me so I hold my tongue alot. It's exhausting. 
    Report Reply
  • camillaandcarsoncamillaandcarson member
    edited February 2016
    It isn't hormones.  This is how you have always felt, but after birth it will be magnified. 
    That is when the hormones will really come into play plus the fun experience of intense massive sleep deprivation.  When they are in your house after you have given birth, acting as guests, making more work for everyone in the house with laundry, dishes, meals, etc.  Not to mention distracting your SO from helping you recover, interfering with your feelings of feeling comfortable nursing and adjusting to adding a new family member...is that what you need during the PP recovery period? 
    Since they are such perfectly nice people I am sure they will respect letting you take the time you need to adjust, heal, and recover before expecting to show up to be entertained, fed, and constantly get in that baby time to hold a newborn baby that needs to be on mom and nursing most of time. 
    You are so smart to get it all out there now to your SO.  Now is the time for sure.  
    I didn't the first time around, I just played nice to everyone and tried to include everyone and the results we not pretty pretty much from the start.  I still regret it.   The hardest part of the PP part for me wasn't the baby or the recovery; it was crowd control.

    You might want to read about boundaries:
    Emotional Blackmail
    Toxic In Laws
     both of those are by the same author: Susan Forward
    And also here are a couple links about the PP time
    This one deals with if you are planning to have people over to help you after birth:
    https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this

    And this forum has some issues you may or may not relate to and can sometimes be a bit out there but it does have some good tips sprinkled in there about how to set boundaries during this time
    It is called Dealing with the In Laws Nation
    https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation


    Report Reply
  • bkjadebkjade member
    With my first I had family and friends over thinking it would be helpful to have extra hands around the house. Unfortunately, for me, it was emotionally exhausting. 

    This time, it has been made very clear that the ILs want to be here EVERY weekend for the first month and live about four hours away so will be staying the night. I absolutely love my MIL and FIL but there is no way I am going to allow anyone to stay the night here. While talking to DH, I didn't make it about his family, but stated that I think it's important for our family and for me personally to have boundaries and take some time to ourselves after LO arrives. He doesn't necessarily agree, but understood that it was important to me to have some time and space. If I would have phrased it "I don't want your parents staying here" instead of "I don't want anyone staying here" I think it might have started a shitstorm, but he didn't bat an eye and relayed the message to his parents that we would love to see them, but they'll have to get a hotel nearby. Crisis averted.
    Report Reply
  • emma+karenemma+karen member

    Thanks, everyone.  This is all great advice.  @LadySamLady, you especially put it in perspective nicely.

    I think my real concern is that I do plan to have my mom stay with us; she is helpful, will clean and do laundry and cook dinner and generally not get in the way, and my ILs don't do those things.  My step-MIL has never even changed DS's diaper! (When they watch DS, she makes FIL do it.) We only have one spare room, and my main argument is that ILs live close enough for a day trip.  Anyway, I think a wait-and-see approach is probably best.  My wife and I did talk a little bit last night and she actually brought up that keeping DS on his regular schedule as much as possible will be important (though we're both teachers, so his preschool schedule changes a little bit in the summer anyway!)

    Thanks again for letting me vent my anxiety!  :)

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Pregnancy Ticker

    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"