Intro- MMC yesterday @10w 2d- feeling broken and sad

roxgibbons · February 2016

Hi,
apologies for the long post- I'm just devastated and need to get this off my chest.

My name is Roxanne and yesterday I found out at my check up that our little bean's heartbeat was gone. Based on my dr.'s estimates the baby stopped developing about a week ago. I have no signs of anything being wrong- no bleeding, or cramps. I still feel pregnant which is the hardest part for me and my body still thinks so. I opted to have a D&C which is scheduled for later today. I'm scared and am not sure what to expect.

My husband and I had been trying to conceive for a little over a year and were seeing an RE. We had two unsuccessful IUIs and ended up conceiving naturally in December. We got our BFP the first week of January. We were so happy and relieved. My heart hurts for my husband as this was his first child ( I have two from my previous marriage). He is so devastated but being strong for me- I just feel like this has been a cruel joke- to finally conceive and on our own and to get through the early milestones- I had two early ultrasounds and we saw the heartbeat at 7w and then this. It just feels unreal. I was so happy going into my appt. yesterday. I had a list of questions for my OBGYN- I was finally released from the RE and was finally seeing my regular OBGYN. I just can't get the image of the ultrasound out of my head seeing my little bean just lifeless and no heartbeat- and my husband burying his head into my shoulder- it all happened so fast-

I don't even know what this means for us anymore. Are we back to IUIs or do we try again naturally when all this is done? I'm 37 and I feel time is against me. I guess it's too soon to say but I just feel heartbroken,sad, and confused. I feel like I failed even though logically I know it wasn't my fault. I'm just miserable right now.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

I am so sorry for your loss.

In terms of what this means for you, have you talked to your RE yet? I reached out to mine when I was deciding whether to do the d&c or meds (and he reassured me either was fine), and then we had our first appt post-mc with him yesterday. Our RE said that he would suggest doing the same Clomid/IUI cycles we had been doing, although I think he's also careful to make clear that IVF can be on the table if we want it right now.

As for the d&c, I will be thinking of you today and wishing you the best. I had mine a little over 2 weeks ago. The procedure itself was not terrible--I had it as outpatient surgery at a hospital with general anesthesia. I remember going into the procedure room and having a mask on my face, and then I woke up in recovery (and I was crying). I went home and slept. My morning sickness started going away and I could eat again. I am not sure I was prepared for the hormone crashes later that week, though, and I was very, very emotional, and then started getting killer migraines (which I have previously gotten linked to BCPs, so I am pretty sure they are at least in part hormonal for me).

One thing to consider, if you have not already, is whether you want to have the remains tested. My OB said it would not be "standard" in a first mc, but my feeling was that if I was going to go through the d&c and could possibly learn something from this devastating experience, I wanted to do it. While I think you need to be prepared not to get any answers, there is a possibility you will get something that might help you heal (emotionally, at least for me I think it has helped) or that might help your RE decide future treatment, if you choose to pursue it.

saguiniga · February 2016

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It is so hard to go through something like this. I never ever imagined that it would be this hard. Please know that we are with you and giving you so much support.

ThePax89 · February 2016

I'm so sorry. Did you have your d&c already? How do you feel?

Briezy12144 · February 2016

I am so so sorry you're going through this. =(

roxgibbons · February 2016

Thank you all for all of your kind words- My D&C was today and it went smoothly- it was done under concious sedation but I think the meds have worn off as the sadness is creeping in again. I am thankful I was able to get in today and thankful for a very kind dr and nurses who handled my cycles of crying really well. I was going through anger and sadness all day today questioning why this happened. This process is just so incredibly difficult.

@BrightenMySky I emailed my OB this morning and she said for me to work with the RE so I will send call in the morning and set up an appointment and see what next steps are.

Thank you all- I appreciate it.

AL_TwinCities · February 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. It took my DH and I 15 months of TTC between my first loss and the second BFP - it is even more devastating when you lose a pregnancy when it took so long to get pregnant in the first place. I hope your RE can work out a good plan for you. Hugs.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

@roxgibbons I am glad that step in this sad process is behind you. One thing I forgot to mention is that my OB wanted to do a follow up 2 weeks post-d&c, but I really did not like that OB practice (had been planning to switch for second tri and beyond even before our loss, and then how they treated me post-loss affirmed my decision), so I just went back to my RE. Plus I prefer to wait in the waiting room at the RE's office (I feel like there's some unspoken kindnesses going around there) versus with a bunch of ladies with huge bellies in the OB's waiting room.

roxgibbons · February 2016

@BrightenMySky- I called and made an appointment with my RE and explained to the nurse what happened. I go in next week but it's just a discussion on next steps. I'll ask about a follow up post D&C. My OB mentioned in her email that I didn't require a follow up with her and just check in with my RE. I think at this point that's a better plan. Like you mentioned- the RE's office is a more sensitive and kind environment.

fivetimesnoluck · February 2016

I am sorry for your loss, but happy that you have a plan. This is all so damn awful, but I have found comfort here and hope you do as well!

Intro- MMC yesterday @10w 2d- feeling broken and sad

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