Alienated from friends and Turing into a homebody

sonbonsbun · February 2016

Hi everyone,
I'm the first of my friends to get pregnant. I'm only 24 and it was unexpected. My boyfriend and I decide we wanted to have the baby but my friends are being very supportive at all! I've only seen my best friend 2 since I found out over a month ago and we used to see each other at least once a week. My other two girlfriends I haven't seen at all since I told them. I keep asking them to hang out but all they want to do it go out to the bar, which I find hard because up until a few weeks ago I loved drinking. On top of which my morning sickness is making going out very unappealing. Which my boyfriend isn't really understanding. I don't know what to do, I'm feeling very alone without my friends support and my boyfriend not understanding me not wanting to go out on weekend anymore. It doesn't help I feel fat, my acne is horrible and I feel nauseous all the time.
Anyone else having this problem/feeling?

splsmama2016 · February 2016

I didn't have this problem, but I also made it clear to my friends that I'm pregnant, not an invalid. Lol. We still go and do things we used to, like bowling, mini golf, ice skating, etc. I've gone to bars, you just order a non-alcoholic drink. We eat, we laugh, and if they want to go out super late downtown, I just don't go. And they understand. Just be assertive. You know your limits and if they can't understand or support you, that's their loss.

meggyme · February 2016

What about going to dinner, or brunch, or shopping? There are plenty of things to do and places to go, many of which they can drink at if they want without being the only source of entertainment. While I don't enjoy going to crowded clubs that much (not nearly as much fun when sober), I've still been to plenty of boozy brunches and had orange juice or sipped club soda and lime at concerts.

Glow360 · February 2016

Welcome to adulthood and you should find new mature friends. You have nothing to be ashamed over and your embarking on a beautiful journey. If they can't adjust, it's not your problem. You really know who your true friends are when life gets tough. That happened to me with my first, when I was a young mom.....its good to have support, finding a local new moms to be support group in your area might be helpful. Your not missing out on drinking, this is far more important...being a parent beats any party and its better fun.

Kaytee1087 · February 2016

Similar story here. DD was a surprise at 21 (I'm 28 now) and it's been a tough road. My age group of friends are just now finally starting to settle down and get married, and only a handful have kids. The moms in DD's class seem to be 5-10 years older than me so I feel your pain. I wish I had better advice than get new friends because I know how hard that is. Good luck and I hope the friends who truly care about you start to show it soon.

stillcozy · February 2016

I think it's good to remember that your life is changing but your friends lives are currently staying the same for them. I don't think that makes them immature as another poster stated it think it makes them young.

I agree reed with some of the suggestions to plan a brunch or dinner. I had the same issue but when I started reaching out and going out again things got a lot better. I realized I was being selfish in my instance for thinking my friends should change wth me and change how we would hang out. For me things are back to normal.

Try and call and talk to your best friend how you miss her and want to still have a close friendship come up with ideas together on things you two could do.

PrimRoseMama · February 2016

I would host a movie and dinner night at your house. They can booze it up there if they really want to and if they want to go out elsewhere afterward they can.

splsmama2016 · February 2016

Oooh!!! I like @PrimRoseMama idea!! Granted you can't join them in drinking, but at least you get to see them. Maybe make it a potluck? That way you don't have to supply all the food and entertainment, and it's still cheaper than going out.

llbne · February 2016

If you and your friends always hung out in bars I think it's not surprising that they are still hanging out in bars. It's a bit much to expect them all to totally change their social lives to accomodate you. If you are not comfortable going to bars you can invite them to other activities but I think you should try not to be offended if they carry on as normal as well - it's not them that have changed after all, it's you.

Your friendship might survive the pregnancy and birth of your baby or it might not. Sometimes these things are a bit of a 'parting of the ways' for friends in totally different life stages. That's just the reality of parenting.

fourtsixand2 · February 2016

There are plenty of ways for you and your friends to get together without going to a bar or drinking. Offer to meet for lunch or have them over for game night or something. Make it clear that you want to spend time together, and that this is a very important time in your life and you want them to be involved, but that doesn't mean you can't have a good time!

On a personal note, as much as people don't want to admit it, friends come and go. Family doesn't. This baby is your family now.
My 'best' friend of 26 years decided after I got pregnant, that she couldn't handle being friends anymore because it "wasn't happening to her". (No, this is not an exaggeration). She'd been married and divorced 3 times by the age of 30, each marriage lasting less than a year, and she said it was just too hard watching everyone around her having families and getting "what she wanted". Having been there, by her side, for all of that and seeing that she couldn't be happy for me, I finally convinced myself it was for the best.

I only mentioned that because even the best and oldest of friends can change, and your friends just may not be at the stage of life that you are. You need to be sure that you have people around you who support you first and foremost. Get together in a different scenario (besides a bar) and talk to them and find out how they feel and stress how important it is that they are in your life, and your baby's. If they don't reciprocate, it's time to find more mature friends or groups to associate with that are past the 'party' stage in life. Good luck!

[Deleted User] · February 2016

*lurking*

I wanted to chime in and say that I feel like you shouldn't really be too hard on your friends for wanting to continue living the way they have been. I was going out and partying at 24 as well - that's a pretty natural thing. Something really huge and life changing is happening to you but that's not the case for them. I suggest the same as @PrimRoseMama - try offering activities that you both can get what you want out of it. I had a few friends who got pregnant in their early 20's. Most of them I eventually lost contact with and the rest I just naturally got distant with, especially when they actually had the kid. We just stopped having quite as much in common with activities and interests. It's not that I didn't like them as much as people, our lives just stopped fitting together as well.

By choosing to have a child you are choosing to lead a different sort of life (this is true at any age). You can still totally have fun and hang out. Leave the house! But obviously when it comes to going to the clubs or going to a spontaneous movie (after giving birth, not preg) you are going to be out of that. This new life might come with new friends for the time being. Perhaps when they also have children or lose interest in the nightlife they will find their way back to you.

As for your BF I think that's more important. That requires a conversation. He needs to be on your side because things are only going to get more wild from here on out.

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