Loss after seeing/hearing the baby's heartbeat.

saguiniga · February 2016

I feel like I need to share this for some sort of closure or catharsis, or perhaps to help someone else who is going through the same thing. At six weeks we saw and heard our baby's heart beat. It was so surreal and amazing. I thought that we were "out of the woods" so to speak. Two weeks later (approximately two weeks ago) I had some spotting. I found it very strange because I hadn't had any spotting. I'm not sure how, but I knew intuitively (mother's intuition?) that something was horribly wrong. We went in for a sonogram and not only was there no heartbeat, but our baby actually shrunk in size. We knew that he was gone (he felt like a boy.) I sobbed uncontrollably and when I stepped out of the room, about a dozen pregnant women sitting in the waiting room stared at me in horror. I knew that they were praying that the wouldn't get the same news, or thought better me than them.

I was given the cycotek to help make the process (I hate sanitizing the term) move along. Unfortunately, nothing happened but incredible abdominal pain and agony. It only made the entire situation more excruciating. Last Wednesday I had a D&C and it felt like I was walking into my own death sentence.

I miss Colten, our baby, so badly. I just want him back. I want to be pregnant and I would take all of the morning sickness, fatigue, hormones, you name it, just for him to be safe. I'd even sacrifice myself for him. I felt like I had one job, to keep him alive, and I failed. I question my future fertility and my own personal strength. I still cry uncontrollably and I'm so angry. I'm angry at anyone who is pregnant or anyone that says the wrong thing. I know that my anger is misplaced, but I can't help it.

When we found out about our loss, a family member sent us flowers. Prior to the D&C, none had bloomed or even opened. When we got back, one had blossomed into a beautiful, white Lilly. I know it was Colten telling us that he was with us and that everything was ok. I love him so much. I hope he knows how much I love him and I hope that he loved me back. I also hope that he misses me as much as I miss him.

Thank you for letting me share.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

Sending you so many hugs.

saguiniga · February 2016

@BrightenMySkyThank you so much. Sending you super positive energy. We both need it:)

BrightenMySky · February 2016

Also, on your comment about your baby being a boy...after the loss, I had two dreams that seemed very linked to the miscarriage. In one, I was trapped on the top bunk of a bunk bed with a toddler (a boy) and couldn't get down, and in the other, I saw a house get crushed when I knew there was a man asleep inside, and I was trying to look for him but no one could help me, it was like no one understood what I was trying to do. I found out from testing the remains after my d&c that our sweet baby was a boy...I feel like I already knew from my dreams.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

Also thank you for sharing the story about the flowers, it is lovely.

AL_TwinCities · February 2016

@saguiniga thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. My most recent loss was very similar - we saw and heard a HB at 6+4, but there was no HB at 9+4 and baby only measured 8w. There is no way to describe that feeling of devastation and loss. I wish you well on your journey of healing.

saguiniga · February 2016

@BrightenMySky that's amazing that you had those dreams. I think we intuitively know. It's amazing how connected we are to our babies without actually tangibly holding them. They will always be a part of us.

saguiniga · February 2016

@AL_TwinCities thank you so much for your lovely words of support and encouragement. I too am very sorry that you had a similar experience. It's very devastating. I'm so thankful that the are groups like this for support and encouragement.

roxgibbons · February 2016

I am so sorry for your loss and I pray that you heal with time- I found out today that I lost my little one. I was 10 weeks along- D&C is scheduled for tomorrow. I understand your sadness and your loss. I also am convinced mine was a boy too. This experience is horrible and I truly feel for you.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

@roxgibbons sorry for loss and sending you healing wishes for the d&c.

saguiniga · February 2016

@roxgibbons I am so so so sorry for your loss. Please know that I am thinking about you and sending you good thoughts today. The one thing about the D&C is that it does bring some type of closure. We will all get through this as difficult as it is.

rachrobertson · February 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost our sweet baby after seeing a healthy heartbeat. Mine was a mmc with no symptoms, so at 8 weeks all was well, at 12 weeks, baby only measured 10 weeks. This was the last may, I had my d&c two days before mothers day. I just want you to know, you cant imagine this pain subsiding now, but it does get better. I woke up the first week crying and slowly, I was able to cope with the pain and return to my new normal. I still cry for my baby I never met, but the tears are less often and more controlled. I also had misplaced anger that is still somewhat there even after having a healthy rainbow baby. I am angry that I can't enjoy future pregnancies for fear of losing another baby. You definitely aren't alone in having the feelings that you have, but if you feel that you aren't coping well, there is no shame in seeking therapy. I wish you well on your healing.

valleric · February 2016

Sending hugs your way, I am so sorry!

shae86 · February 2016

I can relate. At 6 weeks 5 days, I had my first ultrasound and saw a heartbeat. The doctor said the baby was measuring 6 weeks 2 days, but that it was normal to be "off" by a couple of days. The heart rate was only 112.

My husband immediately got excited and acted as though we were out of the woods, but I couldn't shake this ominous feeling I had about the pregnancy. We went back exactly 3 weeks later (this past Wednesday) and got the terrible news that the baby died about 2 days after the last ultrasound.

While part of me expected this outcome, I'm absolutely devastated. Being pregnant gave me a sense of completeness I had never experienced, and now I feel empty. We're not going to try again until later this summer, and the wait will be awful. Currently, I'm waiting for my body to miscarry on its own. If nothing happens by Friday, I'll take the Cytotec my doctor prescribed. This feels like a bad dream.

AL_TwinCities · February 2016

I'm so sorry @shae86. The waiting was the worst part for me. It took 4 weeks after my baby died for my body to pass it naturally. There is nothing more heartbreaking than knowing that you are still carrying a pregnancy that is no longer viable. Hugs!

MooFish2364 · February 2016

So sorry for your loss. I just had my d&c due to a missed miscarriage. It's easy to blame yourself because that's what women do. We set the bar high for ourselves and place a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect and do everything perfectly. Just know that there is nothing that you did or didn't do that caused this. It is not your fault. Please try to be easy on yourself and keep telling yourself that you didn't fail and that it wasn't your fault.

shae86 · February 2016

@AL_TwinCities thank you

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