May 2016 Moms

Breastfeeding Question and Wedding to attend.

edited February 2016 in May 2016 Moms
I am looking for some advice from STMs or just others who have some ideas I maybe haven't thought of. A very close cousin is getting married likely (estimate) 5-7 weeks after DD should be born. I love her dearly and cannot imagine missing her wedding.

I plan to breast feed and I am personally not looking to force DD onto pumping/bottle sooner than necessary. Obviously i have no idea whats going to happen, DD could be born sooner, she could never take to BF, i could have issues BF, I could be forced to bottle feed/pump, i could be forced to put her on formula. A million things could happen! But my goal is obviously to be exclusively breast feeding still by the time this wedding comes because that what i personally feel is the best option for me and DD.  

The thing is, the RSVP date is going to likely hit before DD is even born, so it puts me in a crappy place. I know exactly how annoying wedding guest lists can get, i totally get the need for final numbers and needing to know for sure by a certain date, i completely get that having me need to bow out after that point would be horribly rude and i also completely get that asking to bring a newborn even if a wrap/carrier to a 100% child-free wedding is also a pretty crappy thing to have to ask them and puts them potentially in a bad position. So assuming all the feeding goes according to plan, I feel like no matter what i do I will need to make a difficult choice between rushing DD onto a bottle (a choice i may not have made if the wedding wasnt an issue) or missing a wedding I really should be at, but don't know how to make that decision before shes even here!

DH says that we should just plan to start bottle feeding and pumping as soon as possible, because he wants to be able to feed her too. But i personally am very crunchy and would like to have her on-the-boob as much as possible and am definitely concerned about nipple confusion causing her to potentially end up rejecting the real nipple. Obviously this is whole lot of what ifs going on here, but i just feel totally unable to make this decision when it means making it before the baby is even here for me to see how things are going with her.

Looking for advice, thoughts, etc.

Re: Breastfeeding Question and Wedding to attend.

  •  Are you assuming children won't be allowed? Why not just tell your cousin your concerns and see what she says?
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  • I am looking for some advice from STMs or just others who have some ideas I maybe haven't thought of. A very close cousin is getting married likely (estimate) 5-7 weeks after DD should be born. I love her dearly and cannot imagine missing her wedding.

    I plan to breast feed and I am personally not looking to force DD onto pumping/bottle sooner than necessary. Obviously i have no idea whats going to happen, DD could be born sooner, she could never take to BF, i could have issues BF, I could be forced to bottle feed/pump, i could be forced to put her on formula. A million things could happen! But my goal is obviously to be exclusively breast feeding still by the time this wedding comes because that what i personally feel is the best option for me and DD.  

    The thing is, the RSVP date is going to likely hit before DD is even born, so it puts me in a crappy place. I know exactly how annoying wedding guest lists can get, i totally get the need for final numbers and needing to know for sure by a certain date, i completely get that having me need to bow out after that point would be horribly rude and i also completely get that asking to bring a newborn even if a wrap/carrier to a 100% child-free wedding is also a pretty crappy thing to have to ask them and puts them potentially in a bad position. I completely disagree. it sounds like if they're expecting you to part from your newborn, they're the ones who are rude. Your new baby's needs are greater than your cousin's. I would talk with your cousin to see what she'd prefer: bring baby along with you, or accept your decline. Taking baby with you would be the easiest for you and little one. And its very likely if you wore her in a wrap or sling, she wouldn't make a peep. Many folks do start introducing bottles at that time, however if that's not your groove, you and baby don't need to feel pressured into doing something that doesn't feel right to you. It's okay for you to put you and your baby first during the newborn stage when babies need to nurse so much! Whatever you feel comfortable with mama is the right answer for you and your family. 

    So assuming all the feeding goes according to plan, I feel like no matter what i do I will need to make a difficult choice between rushing DD onto a bottle (a choice i may not have made if the wedding wasnt an issue) or missing a wedding I really should be at, but don't know how to make that decision before shes even here!

    DH says that we should just plan to start bottle feeding and pumping as soon as possible, because he wants to be able to feed her too. I would strongly encourage DH to read up on other ways to bond with baby and to support you in your breastfeeding journey. It's important in the first 6-8 weeks for mom to exclusively nurse to establish a solid breastfeeding relationship. 

    But i personally am very crunchy and would like to have her on-the-boob as much as possible and am definitely concerned about nipple confusion causing her to potentially end up rejecting the real nipple. Yep. Keep in mind that if you do choose to leave DD with a sitter for the wedding, you can give expressed milk via syringe, cup, or spoon too! This greatly reduces the risk of nipple confusion/bottle preference. 

    Obviously this is whole lot of what ifs going on here, but i just feel totally unable to make this decision when it means making it before the baby is even here for me to see how things are going with her.

    Looking for advice, thoughts, etc.

  • lalala2004 Ironically i am having some child-related issues in reference to my baby shower. People keep asking to bring kids and don't seem to understand if we invite 1, we need to invite 15 more and cant make exceptions because there is no way for us to decide who gets one and who doesn't (these kids in question are 3- 8 years old). So her and i ended up chatting about that recently and she told me then she wasn't having any kids at the wedding. 

    I guess i feel awkward about bringing up something that i was personally just venting about to her, because i felt that the family likely wasn't getting the true reason and were upset because it was going through the grapevine sort of. However, if someone asked me if they could bring a 5 week old to my baby shower, that would have been an easy yes, but all the kids in question were years older and obviously its much different to have be concerned about having a screaming toddler or small child running circles around you at your wedding, than it is to have a tiny 5 week old baby in a baby carrier strapped to me.

    I just feel like I have nothing to base the question on, because the baby wont be here for me to know whats going to happen. I could have the baby and have her bottle feeding right away. I just feel like its kind of hard to be like "well i want you to make this exception for me, even though i know its a lot to ask, simply because i am making these specific choices for how to raise my child'' maybe its the fact that im not a mom yet, but i feels like im overstepping by asking someone to make a sacrifice for me, because this is how I want to CHOOSE to parent. But at the same time, that just kind of then means i would have to miss the wedding so I could be the parent I wanted to be.

    I guess i am realizing as i type this i pretty much have no choice but to try and talk to her about it.


  • DH and I had a wedding to go to 8 weeks after DS was born. I pumped using a car-adaptor and left pumped milk with my mom for DS with instructions on paced-feeding. We had previously bf and bottlefed pumped milk because of latching difficulties (and still accomplished extended bf). If you plan to go, you'll need to pump a stash to leave with your LO, and also do a few test-runs to be sure that he/she will eat without you whether it's from a teaspoon, cup, or bottle. I'll say too, that we didn't stay very long at the wedding because I was fairly uncomfortable being apart from DS, and the logistics of keeping pumped milk cold during a hot, summer wedding was difficult (I didn't need to pump and dump and didn't want to waste the milk).
  • araecasey said:
    I completely disagree. it sounds like if they're expecting you to part from your newborn, they're the ones who are rude. Your new baby's needs are greater than your cousin's. I would talk with your cousin to see what she'd prefer: bring baby along with you, or accept your decline. Taking baby with you would be the easiest for you and little one. And its very likely if you wore her in a wrap or sling, she wouldn't make a peep. Many folks do start introducing bottles at that time, however if that's not your groove, you and baby don't need to feel pressured into doing something that doesn't feel right to you. It's okay for you to put you and your baby first during the newborn stage when babies need to nurse so much! Whatever you feel comfortable with mama is the right answer for you and your family. 

    I would strongly encourage DH to read up on other ways to bond with baby and to support you in your breastfeeding journey. It's important in the first 6-8 weeks for mom to exclusively nurse to establish a solid breastfeeding relationship. 

    Yep. Keep in mind that if you do choose to leave DD with a sitter for the wedding, you can give expressed milk via syringe, cup, or spoon too! This greatly reduces the risk of nipple confusion/bottle preference. 

    Im honestly glad to read your reply because this really is how i feel. I have dealt with a lot of lack of support in my life and find it sometimes hard to articulate if am being selfish or not, especially when it comes to somewhat specific styles of parenting that maybe DH or my MIL arent accustomed to hearing about. There are very few peoples weddings who i would even consider trying to work around, and did actually out right decline another wedding 2 weeks before my due date, just encase. However, I suppose it is fair for me to present the two options to her and essentially allow her to make her decision with the understanding that there will be no hard feelings on my end if she chooses to ask me to not attend.

    I have explained to DH multiple times that there is no reason he needs to be bottle feeding her right away but he seems to think that i am going to 'need' him to. Which is not something i agree with.I even have somewhat of a ''youll see'' kind of attitude about it, because I just don't think he understands the depths of my drive to practice a sort of attachment-style parenting. He keeps saying 'well what if you need to go to the store or something and im alone with her' and my response is, shes coming with me, or im not leaving.

    Also great to know about the syringe and spoon possibilities! I did come across that once but had forgotten.
  • Speaking as a mom and a wedding planner, my first suggestion is to contact your cousin and speak to her.

    If it is a child free wedding (as in, this is a known fact, is on the wedding website, has been opening stated etc) you'll need to respect that. As a bride and groom the greatest stress comes from everyone wanting to be the exception to the rule or have their wishes matter more than that of the couple getting married. HOWEVER, if you're only assuming that it's child free then this might be a non-issue altogether. It might not be easiest to sneak off and BF during the wedding, but it probably won't be that bad. Often the bride will let you and your LO into the bridal suit/prep area to have a less chaotic space to feed and relax, or the venue might have a separate room you could use. And truthfully, you and DD might enjoy having to step away from the chaos for a little quiet time periodically.

    Now, as a mom, the truth is you need to do what is best for you and your child. This may mean choosing between EBF and attending the wedding. Whatever you decide, that's fine! It will be the right choice. If you choose to pump and bottle feed as well as BF then you can take steps to make it a smoother transition; choose natural breast feeding compatible bottles/nipples, begin practicing with the bottle prior to wedding to give your LO a chance to adapt to the change,etc. If you choose to skip the wedding then your cousin will have to respect that choice. You had a baby and people need to accept that that will change some priorities. Just as you couldn't ask your cousin to move her wedding date for you to have a baby or include your child if it is against their wishes, she can't expect you to be there if you've just had a child a few weeks prior and are focused on EBF.

    This is obviously a tough decision, and all based on timing, type of birth/recovery, and other details you cannot predict or control. In addition, things like the distance of the wedding/reception etc could have an impact. You could choose to attend the wedding, stop home to BF baby, head to the reception, and duck out early to go back home, if it's close. You could choose to pump, and have a sitter care for baby while you attend the wedding. You could possibly even bring baby if it isn't child free and BF at the wedding. Trust your instincts when deciding what is right for you and your new family. 

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  • kbrands7 I also thought about that, just going for a short while. If she did say that there was no way i would be able to bring the baby. But again still involves like you said, some trial runs to see if she would even take milk from another source and me doing a trial run on pumping as well. I just dont want to feel like i am doing those things for the sole fact of  attending the wedding, that seems like a bad parenting decision to me. Choosing to do something i wouldn't normally do to accommodate someone else's needs above my childs. 
  • mello13 Thanks for replying! Your perspective is obviously very helpful.

    As i said in my first reply, im dealing with the child-free party situation myself in reference to my baby shower, and yes its kind of rude and frustrating especially because people are asking ME when its supposed to be a shower thrown for me and i made my wishes clear from the beginning to the hosts. However I personally feel i would make an exception for a few week old baby that was breastfeeding, but not an older child. But i can only speak for myself and can only speak from the perspective of a mother-to-be who obviously has these things on her mind. I cannot say how I would or would not have acted during my own wedding. Though i honestly do feel bad even bringing it up after knowing she said no kids in a conversation with me, because i understand its frustrating to have people asking for exceptions left and right, so even if mine is more justified than another, it still puts me in that same category and might not even be heard and though about because its just kind of a sensitive topic to many people.

    So i guess it really comes down to the decision to simply agree to not go, or to reach out to her gently and try and explain my feelings. If i choose to just simply not go, i definitely run the risk of then having a totally bottle fed baby who is perfectly content being left with a sitter, and still not being able to go because i said no. But again, my goal is for baby to still be EBF at that time.


  • Listen to your instincts girl. Even though you don't know your baby or your circumstances yet, you're already feeling out what you value and desire as a parent. The transformation into motherhood happens right now, while you're carrying your baby.
  • @TheHauntedHauswife I was typing my response before seeing yours.

    The shower situation is so frustrating! I had this (and the child free wedding) and why people seem to think contacting the mom to be rather than the hosts is beyond me! I did make exceptions for two moms who had newborns (less than 3 months) at my baby shower, because seriously! But I wasn't faced with that at my wedding.

    I think talking to your cousin, especially given that you're close, is the best idea. A five week old is not the same as a six year old! I've had many brides make that exception as well. And really, the baby could come late, early, need supplementing, who knows! But letting your cousin know that you plan to EBF, and as such wouldn't be able to leave the baby with a sitter unless something unforeseen happens, then letting her make the call, is the best choice. 

    I agree that following your instincts and doing what you feel is best for your child starts before baby is even here. You might be sorry you can't attend, but don't feel guilty for doing your best to be a good mom!

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  • mello13 Yeah I really don't get it, Someone even asked me after already asking my host like as if I was going to change my mind for them, or as if the host was wrong or something? It was someone who was probably near the bottom of the list on who i would make exceptions for and whose kids are the worst behaved I know! So it was particularly annoying that they went past my host to me. But they were literally the 4th person to ask! Obviously I am not doing that.

    I do think leaving the choice to her is probably going to be he way to go. Especially since i have the knowledge on the other end to approach it tactfully and with a lot of understanding and will be sure she knows there are no hard feelings if she thinks me sending my husband alone would be the best choice for her.
  • I quickly skimmed the responses but I'd talk to your cousin. I've been to kid free events but I always thought that excluded infants because of breastfeeding etc. Usually it's kid free to eliminate costs and not have to pay for more people (and having an adult party). I'm having a no kids baby shower but I told my best friend she can bring her 1 year old and a few other friends have newborns. Those babies need to be near their moms. School age children wouldn't have fun at my shower. So having said that, I think talk to your cousin and explain your situation. Explain you will be EBF, you want to attend, but can't leave your baby. 
  • edited February 2016
    cortney626 That's my feelings and stance exactly. But now reading it the way you said it, maybe that will be her view as well. I too would have had no problem with that ,and i forgot to mention i am allowing ONE child at my baby shower. She is the youngest in the family and is my niece. All the other kids are older, and the offspring of friends or not as close cousins.

    So I am thinking it may actually be a pretty safe question to approach it from the aspect of, I know you said you were having a child-free wedding, but were you planning for that to include newborns or not. 
  • I totally give you permission to send your regrets, a very nice card and gift and stay home w/LO. The timing is difficult, and you and your family come first. 

    I've personally told everyone that the baby and I aren't committing to anything until after 3mo old and we aren't doing and significant traveling until after 9mo+. That's just how I feel about it of course everyone is different. 
  • Is the wedding being held in a venue where someone else can watch your LO? If it's in a hotel can someone stay with the baby in a room while you are at the reception and call you when the baby needs to be fed. 

    I did this for a wedding after DS was born. I didn't want him around the crowd of people without his first set of vaccines, but still wanted to attend the wedding. I just discretely snuck out of the reception to go up and feed him.  Maybe some arrangement like that is an option??
  • In my little word, if the invitation says "no children allowed," then I would just let your cousin know that you really wish you could make it to her wedding but do not feel comfortable leaving your newborn yet at that young of an age. 

    My BIL is getting married 2 weeks after my due date. My H is the best man. They are not allowing children other than the flower girls and ring bearers. Since it's immediate family, I basically asked my BIL if my H and I were allowed to bring our daughter, otherwise that would pose issues for us...especially at 2 weeks after she's born. He said she could absolutely come. I don't think my future SIL is thrilled about it, but I think she realizes that there isn't much of an argument from her side. Most likely, she will sleep or eat throughout the entire day/evening and we will be going home early anyways.
  • maddenmm Nope its just a standard wedding venue. As of yet i am unsure if the ceremony and reception are at the same place, but im pretty sure there wouldn't be any options for that.

    mrstmoose I didn't formally receive the invite yet, she just told me verbally. But she told me verbally in reference to my own situation with my own shower's issue with children asking to be invited. Not about my situation of potentially seeking to bring the newborn.

    I was further thinking, is it really a good place for a newborn anyway. Even if she said yes and let us go, i cant imagine the noise volume and amount of strangers who would want to touch her being too favorable. I think i need to just lay my cards on the table and allow her to make the decision for her wedding, OR I need to just make the call not to go. If she does have me come with the baby, I imagine i will be taking the baby out of the reception room often anyway, and will not be too too attentive to the wedding goings on. As much as i really want to be there for her, its continuing to look like a bad idea. If the ceremony is elsewhere (like a church), maybe i will only attend the ceremony and leave if the baby gets fussy, so at least i was there for something. 


  • I got married last year, and asked for everyone to RSVP a month ahead of time, but didn't need to give an official headcount until about 5-7 days ahead of time. The three weeks buffer time is to track down people who are bad at RSVPs or haven't figured it out yet. I had a couple people who wouldn't know their work schedule, or for whatever reason couldn't RSVP until less than two weeks away, and since it was only a couple people, I was totally fine letting them RSVP just a week before the wedding. If you think it would be well-received, you could just let her know that you have no way of predicting whether or not you'll be able to go yet, and offer to decline if it's too much of a headache for her to hold a spot for you, but otherwise see if you could get an RSVP extension until the true cut-off, and let her know then. I can almost guarantee you that she will have wedding guests that will wait until then, but without communicating with her ahead of time, and this method might be very much appreciated.

    I also had guests bring their newborn (and yes, I did say no children unless their names were on the invitation), and it was the quietest, most unobtrusive guest there, completely covered up and strapped to mom the entire time. I'm not saying you should do this without checking, because some venues may have alcohol rules and make issues bringing in minors, but it really wasn't a big deal or even noticeable at all.
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