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May 2016 Moms
TheHauntedHauswife
member
Breastfeeding Question and Wedding to attend.
TheHauntedHauswife
member
I am looking for some advice from STMs or just others who have some ideas I maybe haven't thought of. A very close cousin is getting married likely (estimate) 5-7 weeks after DD should be born. I love her dearly and cannot imagine missing her wedding.
I plan to breast feed and I am personally not looking to force DD onto pumping/bottle sooner than necessary. Obviously i have no idea whats going to happen, DD could be born sooner, she could never take to BF, i could have issues BF, I could be forced to bottle feed/pump, i could be forced to put her on formula. A million things could happen! But my goal is obviously to be exclusively breast feeding still by the time this wedding comes because that what i personally feel is the best option for me and DD.
The thing is, the RSVP date is going to likely hit before DD is even born, so it puts me in a crappy place. I know exactly how annoying wedding guest lists can get, i totally get the need for final numbers and needing to know for sure by a certain date, i completely get that having me need to bow out after that point would be horribly rude and i also completely get that asking to bring a newborn even if a wrap/carrier to a 100% child-free wedding is also a pretty crappy thing to have to ask them and puts them potentially in a bad position. So assuming all the feeding goes according to plan, I feel like no matter what i do I will need to make a difficult choice between rushing DD onto a bottle (a choice i may not have made if the wedding wasnt an issue) or missing a wedding I really should be at, but don't know how to make that decision before shes even here!
DH says that we should just plan to start bottle feeding and pumping as soon as possible, because he wants to be able to feed her too. But i personally am very crunchy and would like to have her on-the-boob as much as possible and am definitely concerned about nipple confusion causing her to potentially end up rejecting the real nipple. Obviously this is whole lot of what ifs going on here, but i just feel totally unable to make this decision when it means making it before the baby is even here for me to see how things are going with her.
Looking for advice, thoughts, etc.
I plan to breast feed and I am personally not looking to force DD onto pumping/bottle sooner than necessary. Obviously i have no idea whats going to happen, DD could be born sooner, she could never take to BF, i could have issues BF, I could be forced to bottle feed/pump, i could be forced to put her on formula. A million things could happen! But my goal is obviously to be exclusively breast feeding still by the time this wedding comes because that what i personally feel is the best option for me and DD.
The thing is, the RSVP date is going to likely hit before DD is even born, so it puts me in a crappy place. I know exactly how annoying wedding guest lists can get, i totally get the need for final numbers and needing to know for sure by a certain date, i completely get that having me need to bow out after that point would be horribly rude and i also completely get that asking to bring a newborn even if a wrap/carrier to a 100% child-free wedding is also a pretty crappy thing to have to ask them and puts them potentially in a bad position. So assuming all the feeding goes according to plan, I feel like no matter what i do I will need to make a difficult choice between rushing DD onto a bottle (a choice i may not have made if the wedding wasnt an issue) or missing a wedding I really should be at, but don't know how to make that decision before shes even here!
DH says that we should just plan to start bottle feeding and pumping as soon as possible, because he wants to be able to feed her too. But i personally am very crunchy and would like to have her on-the-boob as much as possible and am definitely concerned about nipple confusion causing her to potentially end up rejecting the real nipple. Obviously this is whole lot of what ifs going on here, but i just feel totally unable to make this decision when it means making it before the baby is even here for me to see how things are going with her.
Looking for advice, thoughts, etc.
Re: Breastfeeding Question and Wedding to attend.
I guess i feel awkward about bringing up something that i was personally just venting about to her, because i felt that the family likely wasn't getting the true reason and were upset because it was going through the grapevine sort of. However, if someone asked me if they could bring a 5 week old to my baby shower, that would have been an easy yes, but all the kids in question were years older and obviously its much different to have be concerned about having a screaming toddler or small child running circles around you at your wedding, than it is to have a tiny 5 week old baby in a baby carrier strapped to me.
I just feel like I have nothing to base the question on, because the baby wont be here for me to know whats going to happen. I could have the baby and have her bottle feeding right away. I just feel like its kind of hard to be like "well i want you to make this exception for me, even though i know its a lot to ask, simply because i am making these specific choices for how to raise my child'' maybe its the fact that im not a mom yet, but i feels like im overstepping by asking someone to make a sacrifice for me, because this is how I want to CHOOSE to parent. But at the same time, that just kind of then means i would have to miss the wedding so I could be the parent I wanted to be.
I guess i am realizing as i type this i pretty much have no choice but to try and talk to her about it.
I have explained to DH multiple times that there is no reason he needs to be bottle feeding her right away but he seems to think that i am going to 'need' him to. Which is not something i agree with.I even have somewhat of a ''youll see'' kind of attitude about it, because I just don't think he understands the depths of my drive to practice a sort of attachment-style parenting. He keeps saying 'well what if you need to go to the store or something and im alone with her' and my response is, shes coming with me, or im not leaving.
Also great to know about the syringe and spoon possibilities! I did come across that once but had forgotten.
If it is a child free wedding (as in, this is a known fact, is on the wedding website, has been opening stated etc) you'll need to respect that. As a bride and groom the greatest stress comes from everyone wanting to be the exception to the rule or have their wishes matter more than that of the couple getting married. HOWEVER, if you're only assuming that it's child free then this might be a non-issue altogether. It might not be easiest to sneak off and BF during the wedding, but it probably won't be that bad. Often the bride will let you and your LO into the bridal suit/prep area to have a less chaotic space to feed and relax, or the venue might have a separate room you could use. And truthfully, you and DD might enjoy having to step away from the chaos for a little quiet time periodically.
Now, as a mom, the truth is you need to do what is best for you and your child. This may mean choosing between EBF and attending the wedding. Whatever you decide, that's fine! It will be the right choice. If you choose to pump and bottle feed as well as BF then you can take steps to make it a smoother transition; choose natural breast feeding compatible bottles/nipples, begin practicing with the bottle prior to wedding to give your LO a chance to adapt to the change,etc. If you choose to skip the wedding then your cousin will have to respect that choice. You had a baby and people need to accept that that will change some priorities. Just as you couldn't ask your cousin to move her wedding date for you to have a baby or include your child if it is against their wishes, she can't expect you to be there if you've just had a child a few weeks prior and are focused on EBF.
This is obviously a tough decision, and all based on timing, type of birth/recovery, and other details you cannot predict or control. In addition, things like the distance of the wedding/reception etc could have an impact. You could choose to attend the wedding, stop home to BF baby, head to the reception, and duck out early to go back home, if it's close. You could choose to pump, and have a sitter care for baby while you attend the wedding. You could possibly even bring baby if it isn't child free and BF at the wedding. Trust your instincts when deciding what is right for you and your new family.
As i said in my first reply, im dealing with the child-free party situation myself in reference to my baby shower, and yes its kind of rude and frustrating especially because people are asking ME when its supposed to be a shower thrown for me and i made my wishes clear from the beginning to the hosts. However I personally feel i would make an exception for a few week old baby that was breastfeeding, but not an older child. But i can only speak for myself and can only speak from the perspective of a mother-to-be who obviously has these things on her mind. I cannot say how I would or would not have acted during my own wedding. Though i honestly do feel bad even bringing it up after knowing she said no kids in a conversation with me, because i understand its frustrating to have people asking for exceptions left and right, so even if mine is more justified than another, it still puts me in that same category and might not even be heard and though about because its just kind of a sensitive topic to many people.
So i guess it really comes down to the decision to simply agree to not go, or to reach out to her gently and try and explain my feelings. If i choose to just simply not go, i definitely run the risk of then having a totally bottle fed baby who is perfectly content being left with a sitter, and still not being able to go because i said no. But again, my goal is for baby to still be EBF at that time.
The shower situation is so frustrating! I had this (and the child free wedding) and why people seem to think contacting the mom to be rather than the hosts is beyond me! I did make exceptions for two moms who had newborns (less than 3 months) at my baby shower, because seriously! But I wasn't faced with that at my wedding.
I think talking to your cousin, especially given that you're close, is the best idea. A five week old is not the same as a six year old! I've had many brides make that exception as well. And really, the baby could come late, early, need supplementing, who knows! But letting your cousin know that you plan to EBF, and as such wouldn't be able to leave the baby with a sitter unless something unforeseen happens, then letting her make the call, is the best choice.
I agree that following your instincts and doing what you feel is best for your child starts before baby is even here. You might be sorry you can't attend, but don't feel guilty for doing your best to be a good mom!
I do think leaving the choice to her is probably going to be he way to go. Especially since i have the knowledge on the other end to approach it tactfully and with a lot of understanding and will be sure she knows there are no hard feelings if she thinks me sending my husband alone would be the best choice for her.
So I am thinking it may actually be a pretty safe question to approach it from the aspect of, I know you said you were having a child-free wedding, but were you planning for that to include newborns or not.
I've personally told everyone that the baby and I aren't committing to anything until after 3mo old and we aren't doing and significant traveling until after 9mo+. That's just how I feel about it of course everyone is different.
I did this for a wedding after DS was born. I didn't want him around the crowd of people without his first set of vaccines, but still wanted to attend the wedding. I just discretely snuck out of the reception to go up and feed him. Maybe some arrangement like that is an option??
My BIL is getting married 2 weeks after my due date. My H is the best man. They are not allowing children other than the flower girls and ring bearers. Since it's immediate family, I basically asked my BIL if my H and I were allowed to bring our daughter, otherwise that would pose issues for us...especially at 2 weeks after she's born. He said she could absolutely come. I don't think my future SIL is thrilled about it, but I think she realizes that there isn't much of an argument from her side. Most likely, she will sleep or eat throughout the entire day/evening and we will be going home early anyways.
mrstmoose I didn't formally receive the invite yet, she just told me verbally. But she told me verbally in reference to my own situation with my own shower's issue with children asking to be invited. Not about my situation of potentially seeking to bring the newborn.
I was further thinking, is it really a good place for a newborn anyway. Even if she said yes and let us go, i cant imagine the noise volume and amount of strangers who would want to touch her being too favorable. I think i need to just lay my cards on the table and allow her to make the decision for her wedding, OR I need to just make the call not to go. If she does have me come with the baby, I imagine i will be taking the baby out of the reception room often anyway, and will not be too too attentive to the wedding goings on. As much as i really want to be there for her, its continuing to look like a bad idea. If the ceremony is elsewhere (like a church), maybe i will only attend the ceremony and leave if the baby gets fussy, so at least i was there for something.
I also had guests bring their newborn (and yes, I did say no children unless their names were on the invitation), and it was the quietest, most unobtrusive guest there, completely covered up and strapped to mom the entire time. I'm not saying you should do this without checking, because some venues may have alcohol rules and make issues bringing in minors, but it really wasn't a big deal or even noticeable at all.