From husband & wife to mom & dad

Charla1224 · February 2016

I love my H. We're happily married and get along great 95% of the time. All that said, I've noticed a shift as we move closer to becoming mom and dad instead of just husband and wife.

Sure. We talked about our future family before we got married. We took classes where we discussed what our expectations would be but this is different.

I think one of the most difficult parts of being married is taking the ideas, practices, habits, etc. of the family you grew up with and letting go to create new ways of living. This is proving to be a challenge for me with LO on her way. The way my family interacted with one another is so different from the way his family interacts and it's going to be hard for me not to set some mental expectation of how I think he/ we should parent.

In my family it would not be strange to find the adult me and my adult brother sitting on our parents bed with them watching a movie. DH is welcomed to join us lol. We're close and we talk with one another about everything (sex, politics, religion, whatever). DH's family OTOH is loving, kind, and supportive but also reserved. Dinner conversations with them seem very surface level for me. DH's family is also very professionally driven and motivated. My parents never missed a dance recital or sporting event. DH's family came to a lot of his college games however, they missed some of his pee wee football games because of work or they brought clients/ work with them.

Anyway. Maybe I just needed to vent that all out... But I'm also hoping to hear from you ladies in hopes that I'm not alone. Do you expect challenges as you transition to mom and dad? I'm up for the challenges. Marriage has already taught me a lot and I expect co-parenting to teach me even more.

lalala2004 · February 2016

These are the kind of things you just have to talk about. You can't talk to your husband about what you both want your family life to be too much. That's really the only advice that I could give, other than to be open to compromise and try to focus more on what you want for your family instead of "this is what we did in my family".

yogahh · February 2016

I absolutely expect challenges and changes... It's only normal for things to change and the dynamic in the relationship to shift. DH and I spoke a lot about what we want as a family and how to parent before even starting to have a family so I know we are on the same page with our expectations, but of course, executing them will have to be seen. But as along as you and your husband are willing to compromise and support each other, the changes will hopefully not be too painful! And as far as your families being different, that shouldn't really effect the family you two are creating. You can build your family based on taking the best of how you were raised.

Charla1224 · February 2016

I know that you guys are right. We'll deal with things as they come and create a new normal.
It was just that this weekend we had a meeting with a doula and a CALM birth class that he was late to because he ran into work for something. He's told me that he doesn't want to be like his parents and doesn't want work/ career to make him miss anything. But in that moment, when he was late to the class, I had a flash of realization that this might happen again. He'll probably be like his parents.

araecasey · February 2016

Dh and I are very much on the same page parenting wise, but becoming parents was still an enormous change in our marriage. The first year was hard and was a far cry from the easiest parts of our marriage. I know very few couples who continue on their marriage journey "blissfully" after they become parents. My advice is to live in the moment vs stewing over what disagreements you might have and to be open to the idea that our dearest relationships are both wonderful and difficult.

kbrands7 · February 2016

It certainly helps to talk about things so that you're on the same page for expectations of you both as parents/parenting styles. Some of these things will develop and change as your LO grows too. There were certainly some things that we have ended up doing or learning that I never expected us to do (like safe bed-share for a while between DS and me, or a take-it/leave-it approach to eating rather than a finish your plate approach). DH and I have radically different families and have talked at length about many different parenting topics as they approach. We tend to keep the focus on what we should do/how we should handle certain situations based on what seems best for DS (based on research and also his personality type) and also what things we can do with consistency (this is very important for discipline). Then, we develop a plan and hold each other accountable to it.
ETA: There are also fun topics to think about like what sort of traditions we wanted to develop for our family. DH, who never had great Christmases growing up, really had a lot of cute ideas for things that he wanted to do in our family and put them into action this year since DS was old enough to appreciate them. It was really adorable.

Ex: When DS was approaching the tantruming toddler stage, I dug back into my child development research and took into account his personality (empathetic, but stubborn and persistent) and came up with ideas for how to navigate through tantrums in a way that allowed us to hold the line, and DS to appropriately learn to communicate his wants/needs/emotions. DH and I talked it out and came up with a few key moves and phrases that we both felt comfortable with. We shared this information with my mom who watches him while we're at work so that it was a consistent message for DS (though truthfully, she's not quite as good at holding the line). It works. Having a goal in mind and being very open about it helps so much. Occasionally, something random will come up out of the blue that you'll just need to react to. In those cases, whoever is with him makes the initial judgement call, then we recap later based on whether it worked or not and how DS reacted to it.

mello13 · February 2016

I've repeatedly heard of the first year of parenthood compared to the first year of marriage, and it is honestly the most accurate way of looking at it! It is HARD, though not necessarily in the ways you would expect. There are steep learning curves and a lot of understanding expectations vs reality. But that's a good thing, because you've made it once, you can do it again!

You are already several steps ahead of the game because you are discussing it with your husband and realize that open dialogue will make all the difference. As people, we naturally want to prepare for new changes, so we fall back on patterns that we know and recognize, even if they aren't what we want to embody. But there are so many aspects about becoming parents that you simply cannot prepare for because you have to live it to know. Your DH will definitely upset, irritate and otherwise disappoint you in this journey. You will do the same to him! This can happen even if you have exactly the same familial backgrounds, the desire for the same parenting styles etc. Talk about the big things, the non-negotiables, and understand that much of the other stuff will be very different from parent to parent, and THAT'S OK. It's good, in fact. As long as your child has consistency, and you are a team together in raising her, then it will be ok. Work on shaping your new family in the way that works best for you as a threesome. Incorporate what matters most to both of you, work hard to not fall into negative patterns from your own families, and understand you'll likely struggle to adjust sometimes and make errors along the way (and that will be ok). As long as you continue to talk to your H, even (especially) when things aren't the way you had envisioned and he does the same, you will adapt and become pros in this new adventure.

There's a high likelihood you will want to strangle your husband at some point, likely over the most ridiculous things (I'm speaking from experience here!) even if you've had the best marriage up to this point. It does NOT mean your marriage is failing, or that you married the wrong guy, or that he's a bad father. It just means that this is a new challenge and you are learning and growing together. I suggest you be very open about your fears and concerns, and ask him to do the same. In his mind this was a one time occurrence (being late to class) and dance recitals and little league are years away! But to you it is a legitimate fear that your child won't have the love and support you want for her. Neither of you are wrong, but it helps to talk it out and know that you are in this together, and that is what matters most.

cortney626 · February 2016

Definitely be open with communication but also give him a chance to for the 3 of you to create your own family dynamic, routine, etc. They say men don't become fathers until the baby is born. If he's already saying he doesn't want to be like his parents, then once the baby comes he may make it a priority to be present, etc. My husband was thrown into fatherhood b/c my daughter was 3 when we started dating. It was an adjustment for him. He too didn't want to be like his parents and he has put more effort into being an amazing father. Don't stress about it yet. Your husband may surprise you!

ayeshaohara · February 2016

I love that we're having these conversations...because it means we're all thinking about the little people we're about to raise and put into the world. It means we care enough to make sure we're raising men and women with good values, who treat others with love and respect...things they ultimately learn from us in the home. Kudos to you for bringing this up. It's so nice to see that so many of us are already having the important conversations with our partners.

Personally, my H and I were raised with the same values but on two extremes of the spectrum. We know this is going to present issues but we've talked about how to handle a lot of them already. We acknowledge there will be challenges, because life and marriage and parenting is tough but as a couple you make that commitment to work together. I also think it's important to remember, you're both trying to do what's in the best interests of your child. There's no instructions or right way to do it, we just have to do our best.

Life isn't perfect. Things come up and don't go as planned. If your husband does show up late to things, think about it this way...1-he showed up and 2-he was late because he's working hard to provide for his family. My dad missed a lot of concerts and sports games and worked 6 days a week...but I NEVER felt like he wasn't around because when he was, he was so present and an incredible father. We knew he worked hard to provide the wonderful life we had and continue to have. That's what counts. As we got older we spent more time together, with dad and kid time on weekends. He loved spending time with us. Those are the things I remember and your children will too.

Keep communicating! You're doing great!!

Bltbear82 · February 2016

Being a parent is stressful and you can't plan for every single thing that happens, but it sounds like you're on the right path with communicating openly now - just keep that line of dialogue open, always.

DH and I disagreed on a few things the first year and I'm sure we will continue to agree and disagree. For example, he wanted to cry it out and I vehemently opposed it. I'm not adverse to sleep training in small, gentle ways but the full on cry it out wasn't for me. So instead of having an argument about it at 3 am we decided to just get through the night and talk about it rationally the next day. Once I showed him articles and explained why I didn't feel comfortable he understood where I was coming from, in a way he wouldn't have in the middle of the night. There's no right way, just the right for your family way.

Also DH and I were raised in completely different ways. He's from Sweden and I'm from the U.S., so culturally we are different but also my father traveled all week for work and I only saw him on weekends, whereas his father was a stay at home dad. DH's job is demanding and he's definitely more like my dad than his own, so it's impossible for him to make every game, school meeting etc, so I highlight the important ones and he's never missed something truly important. We prioritize quality time over the quantity, because even if he made it to every game he wouldn't be "present", he would be stressed about missing something at work or on his phone dealing with it.

JoMunson · February 2016

Since our anatomy scan about 8 weeks ago DH and I have been having very involved conversations about our values as parents. I think the big thing that's allowed us to reflect on our own childhoods is humbleness. I love my family, were super close. We actually sound like yours OP! I remember watching ER with my mom every Saturday on her bed for years! My DH's family on the other hand do things like get dressed every day and eat at the table even if you're sick. For my DH, what was most important was eating at the table, for me it was making sure our bedroom wasn't ever off limits- if one of our kids has a nightmare and needs to sleep with mom and dad or is sick and needs to sleep in our bed to feel better, I want that to be an option. Recognize that while your growing up experience was good, there might be a few things you want to change for the next generation.

Chappy_jr · February 2016

DH and I were on the same page on most things but for the first year he mostly deferred to me since he didn't know much about infants. When DS turned one and started throwing tantrums and expressing clear preference for me, that really threw off DH and he took it very personally. His biggest fear is that he will be a "good father/bad dad" because he doesn't believe his father was a "good dad" because he was emotionally uninvolved before and after their divorce. It was all DH talked about for months and as a result, he started pushing DS away. This, and the fact that DH used to work with at-risk teen boys who needed a "tough love approach" have been our biggest differences as parents. It took me a few more months to help DH realize how his actions were resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy and to help him develop new techniques to dealing with tantrums that wouldn't push DS away emotionally. I found it interesting, but never threw it in DH's face, that my mother abandoned me at 18months and I never feared I would do the same or worried about how it would impact my parenting. It is interesting how not just our history but our perceptions of our history can be so influential to how we approach being parents.

avidkeo · February 2016

Charla1224 said:

I love my H. We're happily married and get along great 95% of the time. All that said, I've noticed a shift as we move closer to becoming mom and dad instead of just husband and wife.

Sure. We talked about our future family before we got married. We took classes where we discussed what our expectations would be but this is different.

I think one of the most difficult parts of being married is taking the ideas, practices, habits, etc. of the family you grew up with and letting go to create new ways of living. This is proving to be a challenge for me with LO on her way. The way my family interacted with one another is so different from the way his family interacts and it's going to be hard for me not to set some mental expectation of how I think he/ we should parent.

In my family it would not be strange to find the adult me and my adult brother sitting on our parents bed with them watching a movie. DH is welcomed to join us lol. We're close and we talk with one another about everything (sex, politics, religion, whatever). DH's family OTOH is loving, kind, and supportive but also reserved. Dinner conversations with them seem very surface level for me. DH's family is also very professionally driven and motivated. My parents never missed a dance recital or sporting event. DH's family came to a lot of his college games however, they missed some of his pee wee football games because of work or they brought clients/ work with them.

Anyway. Maybe I just needed to vent that all out... But I'm also hoping to hear from you ladies in hopes that I'm not alone. Do you expect challenges as you transition to mom and dad? I'm up for the challenges. Marriage has already taught me a lot and I expect co-parenting to teach me even more.

I dont know if this helps at all, but this is very much my family, with DH family being the more conservative, doesnt show outward affection that sort of thing. Our whole relationship (15+ years) DH has not been particularly demonstrative with me. BUT DH Loves to spend time in bed watching TV with our LO. Hes much more affectionate with her, kisses hugs that sort of thing. Infact he shows affection more than I do. Try not to worry too much because they way men are with their kids can be different than with partners etc.

Remember, communication is key, make sure you talk to him. Another thing is that he is still husband to me, not dad, something I make very clear. I think that helps.

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