How soon did you leave the house with LO for the day?

Jparke2 · February 2016

Hello ladies! I had a disagreement with DH last night, and I would like to hear some outside opinions from STMs or really anybody!

DH's mom holds an annual "day at the races" to honor his father, who passed away when he was 10. So every year we all go to Pimlico Race Course (for any fans of horse racing, that is where the Preakness is held) and spend the day the drinking, eating, and betting on horse races. NOT my idea of a good time at all, but its generally fun because I enjoy the group we go with it. Pimlico is kind of a dump. Its not in a great area, its rundown, and its pretty sketchy on days that aren't Preakness because its just your general, everyday gamblers in there. Luckily she always reserves seats up in the "fancy" section inside (which is still not the classiest of places, but its way better than down in the bleachers outside) but there is still a lot of yelling during the races by cranky old guys who just bet a ton of money. We always spend one race down close to the track outside, where the group gets their picture taken with the winning jockey. Its dusty, dirty, and loud.

ANYWAY, usually this day happens in early May, so I figured I'd get a free pass not to go. For whatever reason, this year it will be in early June, a month after my due date. DH really wants all three of us to go, because he will be excited to show off our first baby. He simply could not comprehend my argument that it might be too soon for me to be taking the baby out for a whole day. I've never had a baby, so I have no idea, but I don't want to lock myself into a commitment when the baby is only a month old. Not only will it be an entire day out of the house, but it will be a day at a loud, dirty, sketchy place. This is not a place for babies, I've never seen a baby there, and I just imagine I'll be uncomfortable, uninterested in the races (as usual), and feeling really protective of my daughter. I definitely won't be drinking. The option of getting a baby sitter and just DH and I going isn't going to work either, because I don't think I'll want to leave her and I honestly think he doesn't care if I stay home, he just wants to bring her to show her off to friends and family. But again, I don't think I'll want to leave her, and I certainly want to be there when all of these people get to meet her first the first time, so I'm certainly not staying home while she goes. Also, I'll be breastfeeding, and that just makes the whole thing more complicated for me.

When I expressed my concerns, he got frustrated. He just doesn't get it. I think he is in for a rude awakening when the baby is born, and I think he has no idea how this "simple day trip" is actually going to be an exhausting, difficult day for me and the baby and probably him too. The best scenario would be to play it by ear and maybe just have us go for a couple hours, but his mother has to pay for tickets for each of her guests, and she needs to know as soon as possible how many tickets she will need. So if she buys tickets and then I don't go, I'll feel bad for wasting her money. Also, I think DH will want to stay for the day and I'm afraid I won't be comfortable enough to drive the baby home alone (I have a lot of driving anxiety in general). My questions are, how soon did you take a day trip or full day away from the house after your baby was born? Do you think that this kind of trip might be too much? Its not like its a super far drive (30 minutes) to get there, but do you think this kind of atmosphere is a recipe for disaster? Or am I overreacting here!? Any other ideas with how to handle this situation?

This whole things got me like

kbrands7 · February 2016

I stayed away from large, crowded areas as much as possible until DS had his first round of vaccines at 2 months. Before that, we went to the park, grocery store, etc. And were generally not out for more than a few hours. Besides a large, loud crowd, I think the dust would concern me with a 1 month old. A baby's lungs are fairly sensitive.

Bltbear82 · February 2016

We did day trips to my dad's house (1.5 hours away each way starting around 1.5-2 months), but going to a relative's house is very different than being in public! I also had a spare set of things at my dad's so it wasn't like going to someone else's house really.

I was fortunate to have a great delivery and easy recovery so we were out and about fairly quickly for lunch and running quick errands. That said, I would not have taken DS out to a large group setting until his first round of shots at 2 months, particularly at a public venue. I would agree to people coming over to your home where they can wash their hands and hold your baby for a finite amount of time, but I'm not a huge fan of pass the baby until they've had their shots. A racetrack doesn't sound like the ideal location (for me personally) for everyone to meet your baby, as special and sentimental as it sounds.

kami09 · February 2016

Hell no I wouldn't go! Lol...those first few months I was very anxious about everything, you're running on no sleep, etc...i wouldn't put myself through that.
Plus you could potentially have a 2 week old..

TXmamatobe · February 2016

Nope. Too loud, too many people. Not a place for a newborn.

Jparke2 · February 2016

I didn't even think of vaccines, oh man! Thats a great point. I can say that while there are crowds, at least the section where we would be sitting would separated enough that the crowds wouldn't be all up in our space. But still, public crowds make me anxious anyway, so I can imagine it just adding fuel to the fire. Also, since the majority of the time would be spent inside, I wouldn't have to worry so much about the dirt/dust from the track. If we do end up going, I think I'll put my put down and say we are not going outside with everyone for the group picture, because that is where all the dirt is and its just too much energy for a newborn down there I think.

Jparke2 · February 2016

@kami09 @TXmamatobe This is how I feel exactly! At least I know I'm not crazy lol. Now I just need to convince DH in a way that doesn't end with a fight. He is pretty reasonable, I don't understand how he doesn't see this. I think he is just letting his excitement for sharing the baby the people we love cloud his judgement.

Charla1224 · February 2016

I'm a FTM like you so I don't have past experience.... But DH's family has a family memorial event that ties into the Indianapolis 500 race. His family has had tickets in the same section for decades and it's a big deal for them. Everyone goes (like 20+ people). We're talking about the biggest sports venue in the world! Hell no I'm not taking my one month old baby. But recognizing and understanding the emotional significance of that weekend for my husband and his family I will be going to my IL's house to meet the gang when they head home from the festivities. Either that or I'm helping with a brunch send off. We haven't worked out all the details yet.

I say all this to ask... Is there a way you can skip the actual big event but still connect with it in some way? Seeing that the event is meant to memorialize your H's dad I can understand why he wants his daughter connected to the feelings of the day. Could you all do brunch at a home and send them off to the race? Is there a chance to meet up afterwards in some way?

Jparke2 · February 2016

@Charla1224 DH's mom used to have an after party at her house, which is about 10 minutes from the track. For the past 2 years, though, she hasn't done the after party thing. I suppose I could ask her if she was considering it this year, as that would be a great compromise for me to just meet them all at the house afterwards for dinner or something. Only snag is she is selling her house and JUST got an offer this week, so she'll probably be moving to a small condo in April! So I'm not sure if it'll be convenient or even spacious enough. But that is definitely a thought! Maybe if I bring up my concerns to her, she'll consider doing something like that. My fear is that she will want the baby to be at the race part so bad that she might not hear what I'm saying. I know at the end up the day, I'm making the call on this, i just hope I don't have to put up with crap from other people in regards to my choice!

nbgmom · February 2016

We get out and about after the first couple weeks, and I wear baby or keep baby in the carrier with a lightweight cover. That being said, and I don't know where you are located, I would be most concerned about the heat in June. We always go to a baseball game on the 3rd of July. It's always been a tradition, they have fireworks after. I went into labor with my 2nd daughter at the game and insisted on staying for the fireworks since I was going to miss them on the 4th. That being said, my little guy will only be 2 months old, so we are going to have to play it by ear this year depending on how hot it is

mello13 · February 2016

I agree with PP regarding vaccinations. I took DS to public places like Barnes & Noble, the grocery store, etc at one month, but then only sparingly.

The reality is you are still healing (and hurting), baby has an erratic schedule, and you're going to still be getting the hang of breastfeeding. That's a hellish combination for a few hours in a comfortable place, to say nothing of a horse track (I'm familiar with that atmosphere).

What's more, while you may have a private box, that will not prevent dust from coming in/getting on the hands and clothes of other family members/bringing in who knows what from every other patron/counter/door knob etc. And these people will want to hold your daughter , which means she will be in contact with all of that plus breathing in the dust off their clothes. I'm all for baby meet & greets, but not in this setting, at that age, with that many people.

And for what it's worth, I think your husband is seriously underestimating not only how exhausted you'll both be, but also how much of a change a newborn really is. If you need additional backup, talk to your doctor or pediatrician if you've selected one. But really, he needs to respect your decision that you aren't comfortable (for yourself or the baby) with going this year. Things change when baby arrives, there are new priorities now, and it's not as though the family won't get to see her or she'll never come to this event, just not this time.

Jparke2 · February 2016

Thanks for all of the responses! I'm really glad to know that I'm probably not overreacting. I know my husband means well, but I think he just has different expectations of how "easy" this whole thing is going to be! I told him last night that he would change his whole attitude about this after the baby comes, so hopefully he understands better by then!

TunieBee · February 2016

I actually think it's totally doable. All they do at that point is sleep anyway. They don't mind noises and if you keep her in a carrier or her car seat, she's protected from germs. I was all about getting out as much as possible during that easy, sleepy stage. Maybe just wait and see how you feel? Is there an option to leave early?

Jparke2 · February 2016

TunieBee said:

I actually think it's totally doable. All they do at that point is sleep anyway. They don't mind noises and if you keep her in a carrier or her car seat, she's protected from germs. I was all about getting out as much as possible during that easy, sleepy stage. Maybe just wait and see how you feel? Is there an option to leave early?

I can leave early, but my fear is that I'll be anxious about driving by myself with the baby (I'm a very nervous driver) and that my husband won't want to leave early, but its definitely a possibility and certainly a good idea for a compromise!

JessicaB0627 · February 2016

There are a few problems with this. Like PP said, you could potentially have a 2 week old. That's early and in an environment where there are a lot of people that will want to hold your baby. I wouldn't feel comfortable being around that many people that early without vaccines, especially not when they will probably have dust and dirt on them, and maybe not direct access to hand washing.

When my DD was 2 weeks-1 month old I was pumping for about 45 minutes at a time, then I would spending another 30 minutes feeding DD, which would leave me about 15-30 minutes to clean pump parts and/or use the restroom, eat, clean up, cuddle with DD. There's absolutely no way I would've left the house for an entire day trying to manage a schedule like that. I had to pump because I wasn't able to breastfeed, and you just don't know ahead of time what kind of situation you'll be in with that new of a baby.

KelleAlward · February 2016

I think it would be fine. Bring a stroller so you dont have to hold baby the whole time. Babies sleep soooo much that early on. You'll probably have to nurse every 2-3 hours, so hopefully you could find a peaceful spot to do that.

Vivian0809 · February 2016

I'm one to get out right away and nothing much stops me with a baby. That being said, that situation doesn't sound great, id probably skip it and plan something else to see his family.

JoMunson · February 2016

I just wanna thank the PP and OP- I didn't even think about how soon after birth my little man and I would be out in the world. We don't have any big events but I do want to be walking in my neighborhood and going back to church as soon as I can, and I feel a lot more informed now!

Jparke2 · February 2016

Thanks for all the opinions! I talked to my mom about it, and she was out and about very early on with all three of her children, but she also is very good at hearing my thoughts and feelings. She'll be there that day to help keep me sane if I need her. But I'm still really leaning towards not going at all. Plus I found out yesterday that this is the same weekend as another big thing my mother-in-law always has us be a part of. There is a street festival in a quirky neighborhood of our city every summer where we all dress up (long story), and I'm assuming she'll want us all to go do that the next day as well. Which sounds just miserable with a newborn. So I think I'll just go into hiding that weekend and they can all deal with it. If I'm feeling particularly well adjusted, maybe I can give ONE of the events a shot. Probably not, though!!

lbachran · February 2016

If you don't want to go, don't, trust your instincts. Honestly, we probably won't be going out anywhere other than the doctor for the first 6 months. DH and I can run errands separately so someone can stay with the baby. I just have no interest in exposing our little one to an excessively hot summer or germs they can't yet be vaccinated against. My mother's birthday is a few weeks after my delivery and I've already told DH that he can take a gift for both of us, but I'm not taking the baby to a restaurant.

hollyjones2 · February 2016

@Jparke2 I fully agree with you! I think sometime DH have to process stuff on their own terms. But no I would not be taking my newborn to that type of environment, and I would think they would expect you to either.

emilyj77 · February 2016

I hope that you'll adopt a "wait and see" plan for this particular event. There are so many unknowns before the baby is born that can play a part in your final decision. What if you end up with a c-section and therefore have a 6 week recovery? What if you develop mastitis and are in extreme pain? What if BF is difficult? What if, what if, what if. The fact is you just don't know, and it's OK to say that. If MIL has to buy you a ticket now for an event in June, then be honest and say you're not sure if you'll be able to attend.
As PP have suggested, it's a good idea to acknowledge DH's excitement in wanting to show off your new LO to family and friends, but this is not the best place to do it at. Find an alternative location for before or after the event, even if MIL isn't willing to host something. Most men don't know what to expect and sometimes it's our job to point out all of the hazards for our LO's. That may make us Mom's paranoid and over protective, but we're also doing our jobs as Mom's. On the other hand. I thank DH all the time for pushing me to not shy away from activities that I don't think DD is ready for yet. Sometimes he's right, and sometimes I'm right.
The other simple fact is that you're not going to have any fun at this event and you'll be exposing a newborn baby to an environment that isn't healthy. Why do that to yourself? Trust us STM's when we say you will have plenty of other things to give you anxiety and worry in the first couple years of parenthood.

BlueJuice · February 2016

I think it might be doable, but if the idea of it stresses you out, that's a big sign to me that you should pass. It's true that the baby at that age will be mostly sleeping and eating, so if you can wear him/her in a sling or wrap and mostly keep all the excited relatives from making grabs for him/her, it might not be too bad, but here's a breakdown of how the time will go:

- a diaper change every 2-3 hours. If this location is as un-kid-friendly as you've made it sound, I don't even know where you would make this happen, because the restrooms will quite likely not be up to speed in that department. But expect to change 3-5 diapers if you're going to be out for the majority of the day.

- a feeding every 2-4 hours. If you're breastfeeding, this isn't logistically the most challenging (you won't have to haul a lot of extra gear along to accommodate this), but you'll again be spending 20+ minutes every few hours trying to latch baby on in a loud, distracting environment, where you may be personally uncomfortable as well. If you prefer or need more privacy (which isn't at all unusual ~4 weeks into your breastfeeding career), you'll have to relocate every time as well.

In between these two things, you'll be able to eat, drink, socialize, watch the race(!?), show off the baby, and whatever you normally do. But you should expect for at least 1/4 of your time to be severely compromised, and that's the part your husband needs to be brought up to speed on. If you do decide to go, I would insist that he put his money where his mouth is (so to speak) and commit to taking on a significant commitment in terms of the extra effort that will be involved in attending as a family - that means doing just as much diaper changing and baby-wrangling as you will, not leaving you sitting in a corner with the baby while he enjoys himself as usual. He won't be able to breastfeed, obviously, but everything else he can do just as well as you can. And he should probably agree that if things are obviously deteriorating (the baby is exhausted and can't settle to sleep, or you run out of diapers, or whatever) that you leave as a family.

saraleigh2 · February 2016

Just No!

For so many reasons: for me I'm Catholic you generally don't take your baby out until after their baptized. But other compelling reasons include vaccines, crowds of potentially sick people, general dirt/grime/germs, overstimulation for the baby which can make them very cranky, do they even have facilities for a baby changing rooms clean enough bathroom, you will require good nutrition and hydration since you're nursing and last time I checked these type of venues only have junkfood, not to mention carrying the diaper bag stroller and your child and finding a private quiet place to nurse!!!

Can I say no again!!!

What I would suggest is meeting everybody for dinner after their day at the track you can bring the baby out to a restaurant for a couple of hours if she's having a good day; your husband can show his friends and be the proud dad and it can be easier for all of you!

Jparke2 · February 2016

I had no idea about the baptism thing! We aren't baptizing our daughter, so it doesn't really apply to us, but I'm glad I have these lists of reasons you all have mentioned so I can discuss it further with my husband. Fortunately, the bathrooms are actually huge and really great, so that wouldn't be an issue. But that doesn't really make up for all the other things. I'm sure my MIL will have to understand when I tell her I'm gonna play it by ear and see how things are going at that point. Still leaning towards not going though!

hellogoodbye2 · February 2016

You're going to want to get out...especially being a month after birth and it being nice outside. I took my daughter out a lot sooner than I expected. Builds up their immunity (crowds in moderation, of course). Taking a newborn out is WAY easier than taking a toddler out, IMO.

hellogoodbye2 · February 2016

I'm Catholic and I've never heard of not taking a baby out before they're baptized...that just seems silly to me. My daughter was baptized at 5 months...no way was I waiting that long to get her out of the house!

JoMunson · February 2016

Could you "host" an after races lunch or something? (By host I mean have it at your place). Let everyone go out and have their experience and let MIL know just like you said that you have some worries about the dust and noise- blame it on being a first time nervous mom!- then ask if people would be willing to stop by for a lunch afterwards. Your DH would get to show off the baby, you'd be in an environment you know, and you'd get to socialize with all the family you want to see.

Jparke2 · February 2016

@JoMunso Its an all day thing, so I guess I could host a dinner or something, but its not super convenient as we live in the opposite direction as the rest of the guests and I don't feel like having all those people over here in the evening. But if my MIL were to do a dinner or after party, it would work out really well!

saraleigh2 · February 2016

@hellogoodbye2 - perhaps my family is just old fashioned (we also baptize in the first 1-3 months).

LovingLife! · February 2016

Nope. You don't even know when baby will come and how you will feel after! Say no. My MIL tried to force me to go to her daughter's wedding a 7 hour drive away with my 3-week-old. FTM, recovering from an unplanned c/s, learning how to be a mother and nurse...NOPE! Went to the reception an hour away and even that was a lot. She and your husband should understand the situation you will be in and give you a free pass!

BabyBliss2012 · February 2016

When we had our first baby, our pediatrician told us to keep the baby away from public places for the first 2 months. She said no church, no malls, no events... just walks outside and family houses. She mentioned if the baby gets a fever within the first 2 months, they will have to be hospitalized. Once I heard that, I was worried to bring her anywhere. Maybe your pediatrician will say the same and your husband will hear it from the "horses mouth" lol, and finally come to his senses!

DeeJ88 · February 2016

From my past experiences having children it was still hard to sit down properly or drive 2 weeks after delivery. I would take baby to a friend or family's house but absolutely not to a public event or party. I was still trying to establish a good breastfeeding regimen at 3 weeks after giving birth.

I would take it as an opportunity to just enjoy some baby and you time that weekend. There's so many reasons not to go and put yourself in a potentially miserable situation that could endanger baby's health as well.

jumpy57 · February 2016

I think you should wait and see. It sounds like you will be surrounded by family all day and have the option to stay indoors so I don't think you can really argue that you don't want to go because it's "sketchy"
Worrying about germy family members is fair and one way to avoid this is to wear the baby and make excuses about not taking her out of the carrier.
I think it is worth you and your husband asking your doctor about the event and your concerns and explaining to your husband that you may both be exhausted and not want to spend the entire day there.
I totally get your husband's excitement to share your new family member with the entire family and if it's reasonable I think it's worth making an appearance. I hope you guys can come up with a fair compromise

osmama456 · February 2016

You may feel up to getting out of the house and doing some stuff by then, but that would be a bit much for me. If it were me, I'd politely decline since she needs to buy tix ahead of time.

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