Second Pregnancy, First MC.

roshelle829 · February 2016

Hi everyone. I am the mother of an almost 2 year old daughter and I found out about a month ago that I was pregnant again. I had my 1st visit with my OB at the end of January. When he did the US, there was a sac present but no embryo. Given the size of the sac, he said I was about 5-6 weeks along and also mentioned not to worry just yet about there not being a visible embryo because sometimes the embryo may still be too small to be seen by the naked eye this early in the pregnancy. However, he still sent me to have my HCG levels drawn over the next several days to rule out the possibility of a MC. I had my blood drawn twice then I received a call from the office that they wanted me to go for a viability US. When I went for the viability US, I explained to the US tech my predicament and she had the Maternal Fetal Medicine Physician on duty that day observe the US with her. As the US was performed, there was a very tiny fetus present, but it had no heartbeat; they waited and allowed the Doppler to run for about two minutes but nothing happened. The MFM Doctor confirmed that the fetus was dead; she notified my OB but since I wasn't experiencing any vaginal bleeding, nothing would be done at this time.
As you can expect, I got home and collapsed. My husband and I cried together that night. Although he seems to be coping with this ok, I had difficulty just getting out of bed over the next several days. Eventually, I had to tell myself that I have a husband and daughter who depend on me, so I need to get up no matter how sad I feel.
The biggest problem I have with all of this is being able to move on. I have people who keep telling me that I need to get on with my life, this is something that happens to many women, or that I could be going through something much worse. I would love more than anything to move on. It's just extremely hard when I'm still experiencing 1st trimester symptoms and I'm still carrying a dead fetus inside of me. (My doctor scheduled me for a D & C at the end of February unless I pass everything naturally.) And, more than anything, I wish people would stop talking to me about God's plans and intentions for all of us! I'm seriously ready to slap the next person who says anything about that to me, especially when it comes from someone who's never experienced a MC. I almost feel as though I need to send out a mass email to all family and friends telling them that if they want to be supportive, here's what they can do and here's what they better NOT do. I don't want to push family and friends away, but some of them just seem to be making things worse for me. Is there anyone else who felt this same way? I'm not sure what the best way to deal with this is since I've never gone through this. Any advice would be appreciated.

zrain · February 2016

I just went through a missed miscarriage as well and miscarried naturally this past Wednesday after a couple weeks of confusing and then devastating ultrasounds and hCG checks. I don't think that you need to get on with your life just yet. I'm guessing the people telling you that have not experienced a loss. Just being a mother and wife when you've been through this is very difficult and can use up any emotional energy you have, leaving not much left to "get on with your life." What you need to do now is whatever YOU need to heal. Find the energy to get through the things in your day that need to be done, but then make sure you spend as much time as you need to grieve and heal. For me that was reading a lot about what to expect from a natural miscarriage and what is normal to feel, planning what to do with my baby and how to honor and remember him or her when I did miscarry, and doing things that relax me such as reading, watching tv, and painting. I felt like there was absolutely no way I could move on while I was still carrying my dead baby, so I just kind of put my life on hold as much as I could until that happened. That was what felt right for me. Do what you feel you need to do for yourself and your family and don't listen to anyone who says you just need to move on. Start the moving on process when it feels right for you.

As far as people saying the wrong things, that is very common. No one talks about miscarriages, and as a result no one knows what to do or say when someone they love goes through one. I'm pretty sure they don't mean to be hurtful, but it does hurt so much to have someone dismiss the importance of the little person you created and carried and loved. If you think a mass email would help, go for it. After I had a few people say hurtful things to me, I decided I didn't want any more, so I wrote up a really long message to share on facebook along with my ultrasound picture. I also shared a couple links to websites that help others know how to help someone who has been through a loss. Here's what I wrote:
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12661237/i-want-to-share-my-experience-feedback-appreciated-tw
I was nervous sharing that, but I had over 100 people send me their support or tell me about their own experiences, and the number of painful comments about it being "meant to be" or other non-helpful crap have gone way down.

Sorry for responding with an entire essay, your post just sounded so familiar to what I'm going through. I'm so sorry that you're going through this too. This board and the TTCAL board are a huge help in finding support and talking with others who have had similar experiences, as well as being wonderfully distracting and entertaining. Feel free to send me a private message too if you want. *hugs*

BooksForMe23 · February 2016

I'm so sorry you're going through this! Give yourself some time to be sad and depressed. Despite what anyone might say, you are grieving and don't need to just get over it. I had my miscarriage on December 26th, and it took me a month before I started feeling somewhat "normal" and I still have many times where I am overwhelmed and depressed. Take time for yourself, your husband, and your daughter!

AL_TwinCities · February 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. The people telling you to move on clearly don't know anything about loss. You lost a child. It feels like the world has ended - I still can't believe life has gone on around me and it has been a month since I finally finished miscarrying my second baby. After two losses I now realize that I need to mourn and focus on working through the grief, rather than trying to move past it and just get on with my life. Honoring my lost babies with tattoos and thinking of them and talking about them to friends and my husband is helpful to me, as is writing to the babies in a journal. I am also reading a few books on grief and loss, one specific to losing a child, that have been very helpful.

It is so hard when people in our lives don't know what to say and often end up saying the wrong things. It has been difficult, but I have told some of those people in my life why what they said is hurtful and painful, and given them links to websites that are good overviews of what should actually be said or done.

This board is also a good place for support - we have all been there. Hugs to you - I am so sorry you are going through this.

ThePax89 · February 2016

I'm so sorry, so very sorry. I opted for the d&c right after the scan showed my lifeless baby for the reason that you mentioned...I was sick, with no hope of ever even meeting that baby. Within a few days, the nausea was gone.

fivetimesnoluck · February 2016

I am very sorry for your loss and also for the insensitivity of many of those around you. I feel like people are really trying their best, but they often fail so hard when it comes to comforting the grieving. You are not alone, even if it takes internet strangers to comfort you. As pps stated, I encourage you to take ALL the time you need. There is no reason to feel like you need to "move on" or rush the process. It matters not how long you carried the child, it hurts deeply. You'll be in my thoughts as you approach the D&C. Good luck and let us know how you're doing!

roshelle829 · February 2016

**UPDATE**
Hello again everyone!! Thank you everyone for your kind advice and support. It meant so much to me. Unfortunately, I experienced a natural mc at home yesterday. This was beyond the worst thing I ever experienced in my life. Fortunately, my mom and my husband were able to help take care of my daughter and allow me to rest and recover from this. I'm in less pain today, my strength is back up, and I was able to help care for my daughter today. I will have to call my doctor on Monday; they want to do a check to make sure everything came out (which I'm pretty sure happened) and make sure I don't need the d&c. Although this was an awful experience, I finally feel like I can start taking a step toward moving on.

zrain · February 2016

@roshelle829I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm glad you had help and that you're feeling a bit better today. Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to to heal and get through this. *hugs*

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