Anyone have any experience with using a known donor?

mmmmkay · November 2015

my brother in law donated sperm and I'm pregnant. So excited and my gut reaction is to be super open about it - what he did was so generous and amazing and I am so grateful. I just want everyone to think that way! But also know this situation needs to be handled delicately. His kids may feel a bit threatened. My bro in law may feel more responsibility than he would like. my husband may feel like less of a father. How do we have this not be a secret and celebrate it ... softly?

Would love to know if anyone has been through using a known donor and how they handled it down the line. all experiences, good bad or indifferent would be much appreciated!

peregrinefalconx · December 2015

Huh. I wrote an entire response to this post a while back, but it's not here. Weird. My advice is that there are a couple of books on this on amazon, but I can't remember the name. I also think you should seek therapy with somebody who specializes in infertility (mine is great). You have a very complex situation that I think professional guidance will really help out.

I think it is lovely that he did that for you, but agree that there may be/will be many feelings to sort out over time. I'm sorry I can't remember the name of the books

mmmmkay · December 2015

thanks! we did have to speak with therapist before we started the process through our fertility clinic. I will try contacting her for another session.

for some reason i am having a hard time finding books. I think i must suck at googling.

peregrinefalconx · December 2015

Ah, this was it:

Finding our Families by Wendy Kramer.

I will preface this "suggestion" by saying that after reading the reviews, I was WAY too raw to feel like I could deal with what this book has to offer. Please use your own judgment and gauge your emotional state. I still can barely stomach the idea of my kid wanting to know more about her genetic parent/donor (although we'll be telling her the story in age appropriate ways and I really hope she just doesn't care). So I almost hesitate pointing you there, but maybe it could be helpful ( or harmful

). There are also good children's books on it. You can just go to amazon and put in donor sperm.

I still think talking with a real person would be more helpful (which is what I am doing).

herfst80 · December 2015

I am currently pregnant from an egg donated by my best friend. We're not making it a secret, but it's not the first thing we tell just random. What helps is that my friend is very down to earth about is "it's just a egg" (i don't know if i ever have could). Now that all our friends know, it became more normal. I think everybody sees this as our baby and is not questioning about it. We will tell our son at an early age. Just to get familiair with the fact he came from another egg but that's it.
Don't know if this is going to work out the way we want but for now it feels good.
Good luck!!

mmmmkay · December 2015

Would love to keep in touch with you about this herfst80. I know i want to tell me child at an early age, but not sure HOW. i feel like to really talk about it you have to get into the whole "Where babies come from" thing which normally doesn't happen until later than i'd feel comfortable telling him about.

herfst80 · December 2015

Hi! I think that's not neccesary...to tell it in detail. 4 year olds know they are from there mum's belly's mostly. I think you can add a little extra by explaining there was a egg and a seed, or use a metaphor (don't know if this is spelled okay, i'm from Holland) about bird, bees and flowers etc. I think a little child will pick that u as easily a the baby from the tummy story...Ofcourse don't know if this is going to work...;)

Cmartin6706 · February 2016

We had a son after our best friend was a traditional surrogate for us. In other words, her egg + donor sperm + one IUI = our beautiful nearly 3yr old.

We are and believe in being insanely open about it. She's become his aunt but he knows she grew him in her womb for us. In our view he would be Super Uncle David for example. I strongly suggest that both your family and his start talking about how families are all different and how your BIL is a "helping family". Sometimes people need help and that's ok.

As as far as the public goes, just tell them if they couldn't have
kids they'd go to the ends of the earth too.

And as a father that used donor sperm and isn't related to our baby at all, your husband will totally fall for your kid. Make sure he talks openly about his feelings. In the first few weeks after the birth men often feel disconnected anyway, he may or may not struggle more with this. Make sure he understands the two of you made this baby because you both wanted it so badly.

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