I want to share my experience, feedback appreciated TW

zrain · February 2016

Facebook seems to be bombarding me and my DH with pregnancy announcements lately, always when the mama is far enough along to feel safe. It's been bothering us a lot that no one talks about pregnancy in the first trimester, and especially not loss even though it happens so often. We decided we want to share our baby's ultrasound picture and I wrote this to go along with it. I would love feedback from you other mamas before I post it. Please read if you have time and let me know if I should word something differently or if there's anything you would add or take out.

"This is not a happy pregnancy announcement. This is our baby, who we will never get to meet. Eric and I found out we were pregnant on his birthday, January 2nd. We had been trying, but we were still shocked and surprised and tentatively excited. We spent the next few weeks making plans and thinking about this exciting change in our lives. We told a few close friends and family, but didn’t want to tell everyone in case something went wrong. We had our first ultrasound at 7 weeks 3 days partly to confirm a viable pregnancy, but mostly to make it seem more real and alleviate our fears. Unfortunately, baby measured over a week behind and had a very low heart rate. Over the next few days serial blood tests confirmed that this pregnancy was not going to continue, and a second ultrasound one week later showed baby had still not grown and no longer had a heartbeat. Now we’re just waiting to miscarry as my pregnancy symptoms slowly lessen. I have no idea when it will happen or what it will be like. It’s heartbreaking to still be carrying a baby whose heart has stopped beating and not knowing when my body will decide it's ready to let go.

We wanted to share this because no one ever talks about miscarriages, yet pretty much everyone knows someone who has had one or has experienced one themselves. Around 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, most often because of chromosomal abnormalities that couldn’t have been predicted or prevented. It could present as spotting, bleeding, and/or passing clots, or there could be absolutely no signs and the parents don’t find out until they get an ultrasound or lab work (known as a missed miscarriage).

The past week has been very difficult for Eric and me. We have had other tragedies that happened this same week, but we have been dealing with this pregnancy loss mostly by ourselves. I’m a mess. I’ve pretty much only left the couch to go to physical therapy in the mornings. I’ve spent hours reading about miscarriages online to see what I can expect, what I can do to help my body, and what is normal as far as grieving. We all know the grief that goes along with the death of a friend, family member, or beloved pet, but the death of an unborn baby is so unfamiliar. It’s confusing and difficult to grieve for someone you loved so fiercely, yet never met and never had a chance to form memories with.

On top of that, no one knows what to say because no one talks about it. It’s so hush hush, which leads to some awkward or downright (unintentionally) hurtful conversations. Part of what I’m about to talk about is from experience, but a lot of it is from reading or hearing about others’ experiences. This is not a rant, but a genuine effort to help people know what to say when they learn of someone’s loss.

I realize that it will get easier with time and that my grief will lessen when I hold my future rainbow baby, but unless someone has experienced a loss themselves and is telling me from experience, those words sound empty and callous. At least you can get pregnant, thank goodness you weren’t further along, it wasn’t really a baby yet, everything happens for a reason, it wasn’t meant to be, you can always try again, you’re young, it happens all the time, etc. Logically those all make sense and are true, but they don’t help. You know What else doesn’t help? Avoiding saying anything because you don’t know what to say and feel awkward. What does help? Acknowledging the loss of a baby who was very much loved. “I’m sorry for your loss” and/or a hug is enough. Here are a couple links if you’d like to read more:

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/health-lifestyle/how-to-support-someone-after-a-miscarriage/

https://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-loss/supporting-others/

I wish pregnancy in the first trimester wasn’t so secretive. Most often everything goes as planned and people can show their bump or ultrasound to the world once they’re (pretty much) safe in the second trimester, but around 1 in 5 times it ends in a loss and the parents grieve secretly because our culture doesn’t talk openly about what can go wrong. I don’t expect to change that, but I wanted to at least share what Eric and I are going through right now. I want my friends and family to know why I might start crying randomly, why I'm hiding at home, and why I’m not acting like my usual happy self. More than anything, I want everyone to know that for 4 weeks we were more excited and happy than we’ve ever been before, and that we are someone’s parents even if we never got to meet him or her."

**Edited to add changes from feedback (crossed out = removed, italicized = added)

Boots&Co · February 2016

*drop mic*
this made me cry and its 100% true. It's what I wanted to write on Facebook and post, but never had the balls to do it. I want people to know that I'm grieving and I'm not okay, but was too, I guess, embarrassed, or ashamed to post because of the stigma surrounding miscarriages. If you post it, bravo to you. Sincerely.

AL_TwinCities · February 2016

This is beautiful. I am so proud of you for posting this on your FB. I am not that brave, but I often think about doing something like this. Maybe when you are talking about what does help, you could also include links to resources for people that talk more about how to help someone going through pregnancy loss? I sent these links to my family: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/health-lifestyle/how-to-support-someone-after-a-miscarriage/

https://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-loss/supporting-others/

I would also delete the sentence below as I don't think it is necessary in your narrative and could make people squeamish and they may stop reading - and the rest is so strong I would hate for people to stop reading before they get to the end:

"It could present as spotting, bleeding, and/or passing clots, or there could be absolutely no signs and the parents don’t find out until they get an ultrasound or lab work (known as a missed miscarriage)."

zrain · February 2016

Thank you both for your feedback. @AL_TwinCities Thank you for those links! I will add them. As for the potentially squeamish part, you make a good point. As a nurse I'm not at all fazed by graphic descriptions of things but I can see where others would be and that it would take away from the emotional message I'm trying to get across. My main reason for adding that was because every person I've told (or who heard about me from someone else) assumes I've already miscarried. I'm still carrying my baby, and they're all shocked when they hear that. I guess no one knows that it can take a while for the body to recognize what's going on and let go. Do you have any suggestions for some other way I can get that point across without being too graphic?

BornReady · February 2016

This is great! Well done, and what a nice way to honor your baby while also spreading a message about something so many of us experience.

valleric · February 2016

Wonderful! You are brave to do it!

AL_TwinCities · February 2016

@zrain I think you already have gotten that point across by saying you are waiting to miscarry and you don't know when it will happen. Maybe add a line about how heartbreaking it is to still be carrying a baby whose heart is no longer beating?

BooksForMe23 · February 2016

This is beautiful and very brave of you!

tinypikachu · February 2016

This is wonderful! I wanted to do something similar to this with my loss but I never felt ready to let the world in on our pain. I've felt more ready recently and have been openly talking about it with people that didn't know but I deactivated my FB so I won't be able to share there.

I admire you for doing this and talking about something that is so secret for most people. When you go through a miscarriage, you feel so alone and wonder why something like that happens when everyone else seems to be having healthy babies everywhere. And then people share their stories with you and it helps so much to feel like this is more common than you thought and that everything will be okay.

Going through this is so hard because a lot of people don't understand it. I lost my pregnancy in November and I'm pregnant again now and I never stopped spontaneously bursting into tears in random places. I still do and it is still painful but it gets a little better with time, I guess. Most people don't understand... DH and I are mourning someone that no one got to meet, someone that lived his whole life with us, that will forever be a part of us but that we will never hold or kiss or comfort, and that's something that hurts deeply.

zrain · February 2016

@AL_TwinCities How about this?

"Now I’m just waiting to miscarry as my pregnancy symptoms slowly lessen. I have no idea when it will happen or what it will be like. It’s heartbreaking to still be carrying a baby whose heart has stopped beating and not knowing when my body will decide it's ready to let go."

AL_TwinCities · February 2016

@zrain I love it, that is beautiful, and makes it very clear what is going on. Brings tears to my eyes.

You'll have to keep us updated on the response you get!

alanna3622 · February 2016

@zrain this is beautiful and brave of you.

What a thoughtful and insightful piece of writing that captures so perfectly what every expecting mother/couple experiences in first trimester and when experiencing loss.

Bravo.

zrain · February 2016

Thanks everyone for your feedback and @AL_TwinCities for helping me get the wording right. I'm going to post it tomorrow. I'll let you all know how that goes.

mrt · February 2016

This is very brave, and I've been thinking about the same thing. It's strange that we don't talk about miscarriage, and it's not okay that the fact that we're "not supposed to talk about it" makes women feel ashamed that it happened to them.

Daisydoodle86 · February 2016

Beautiful and so brave. I wish had the guts to post something love this. It really shows the depth of your heartache. Big hugs to you.

zrain · February 2016

I posted it! My heart was pounding so hard. I don't know why I was so scared. It's only been two hours and I've gotten a huge outpouring of love and kind words and people sharing their own experiences, mostly as comments and a few in private messages. I was really nervous to do this but I'm so glad I did. I would encourage others to do it too if you feel up for it. It's a relief to know that I'm not going to have to hide how I'm feeling and pretend I'm ok anymore. Even more importantly, several people have shared their experience with miscarriage who had never told anyone before because it's not something people talk about.

AL_TwinCities · February 2016

zrain said:

I posted it! My heart was pounding so hard. I don't know why I was so scared. It's only been two hours and I've gotten a huge outpouring of love and kind words and people sharing their own experiences, mostly as comments and a few in private messages. I was really nervous to do this but I'm so glad I did. I would encourage others to do it too if you feel up for it. It's a relief to know that I'm not going to have to hide how I'm feeling and pretend I'm ok anymore. Even more importantly, several people have shared their experience with miscarriage who had never told anyone before because it's not something people talk about.

I'm not at all surprised that this is the reaction you got! I'm so glad you are getting comfort and support!

fivetimesnoluck · February 2016

I actually quit Facebook after our most recent loss in November, but if I ever go back, I may borrow from your post, because it so articulates what I feel/have felt going through all of this. Thank you for sharing with us and for having the courage to do this for yourself. In the end, it helps all of us. Much love to you and your family.

BooksForMe23 · February 2016

fivetimesnoluck said:

I actually quit Facebook after our most recent loss in November, but if I ever go back, I may borrow from your post, because it so articulates what I feel/have felt going through all of this. Thank you for sharing with us and for having the courage to do this for yourself. In the end, it helps all of us. Much love to you and your family.

I also quit Facebook, and i was thinking the same thing. Thank you @zrain

yolandamunoz · February 2016

You are so brave @zrain !! I wish I was as brave as you are. I am so glad people are sharing their experiences with you, I think that helps us cope.

i am very sorry for your loss and thank you so much for sharing this with us.

Hugs
Y

BrightenMySky · February 2016

New to this board. This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this here and on your FB. I am sorry for your loss.

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