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Putting My Heart Out

eheinickeheinick member
in Postpartum Depression

Hello. FTM and 2 months in. I recognized that I was def. having PPD problems and found treatment for it. Days were going better. But lately I honestly feel like I should never have had a child. I feel alone, lost, and can't connect with my baby and really for the most part on bad days just feel awful because I am not 100% mother material. I've tried going to mommy groups and all of that, and I just think my God ... I don't care about your child and I have nothing in common with you. I take care of her but I am losing faith in myself as the days just go on and on and I feel more and more lonely and some days completely disconnected. Some days I just feel crazy. I feel sick, but some days I regret having my daughter and this makes me sick. How can I think like this? Please help. I don't think of harming her or harming myself, I just sit and think ... I'm a horrible mother. My DP tells me to get a hobby, but honestly I feel so lost and disconnected I don't even know any more. I feel alone and feel like if I don't act like everything is okay my DP just gets frustrated to the point that he wants to leave me ... he already said so in anger one night. I just keep thinking tomorrow will be better, and sometimes it is. But in the back of my heart I truly feel it shows that I don't connect with my child and I think I never should have had her. My heart is both numb and broken.


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Re: Putting My Heart Out

  • maelily15maelily15 member
    You're not alone. I feel like a terrible mother too a lot of the time. Mommy groups aren't really conducive with my work schedule so I attend therapy every week. My doctors have changed my medicines. That might be something to look into as an option. Having good support is vital. Sometimes I wonder if we made the right choice, but then I have a good day and it's all worth it. And the good days are starting to outnumber the bad days. It does get better. Once your LO becomes more expressive and starts developing more of a personality, you'll find yourself bonding with her more. Good luck, it's not easy but just one smile is worth a thousand tears.
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  • eupton91eupton91 member
    Every day for months upon months with my first I had mother's regret... i wanted to go back in time and just be me again. Then the guilt for not wanting to be this perfect angel's mother would creep in... I think I almost lost everything. My husband and i couldn't get along, i couldn't go anywhere that I wasn't taking the baby... sometimes i wasn't allowed to go to work.
    Almost exactly when he turned one was when I started enjoying motherhood.

    Now my second is about 8 weeks. Guess what? Back to square one. I hear them cry or call for me and I wish I could run away. I hate that they need me, or even WANT me around. I hate it. How could I be ungrateful for the gift of their love? WTF IS WRONG IN MY HEAD?!

    I just wanna bury myself so no one can find me to ask for anything. Why can't I just have a little peace? This sucks.
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  • jburrell13jburrell13 member
    Im so sorry you feel this way, I'm a FTM so I have no advice but I hope you feel better soon. Sending positive thoughts your way
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  • jessyluscious77jessyluscious77 member
    eupton91 said:

    Every day for months upon months with my first I had mother's regret... i wanted to go back in time and just be me again. Then the guilt for not wanting to be this perfect angel's mother would creep in... I think I almost lost everything. My husband and i couldn't get along, i couldn't go anywhere that I wasn't taking the baby... sometimes i wasn't allowed to go to work.
    Almost exactly when he turned one was when I started enjoying motherhood.

    Now my second is about 8 weeks. Guess what? Back to square one. I hear them cry or call for me and I wish I could run away. I hate that they need me, or even WANT me around. I hate it. How could I be ungrateful for the gift of their love? WTF IS WRONG IN MY HEAD?!

    I just wanna bury myself so no one can find me to ask for anything. Why can't I just have a little peace? This sucks.

    Have you been evaluated for ppd? The feelings you are having are the same I have been experiencing. I evenly started taking zoloft and really feel it's helping. It may be worth looking into. Your babies need a healthy mommy!
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  • EvaD84EvaD84 member
    I'm a 1st time mum of a 1 month old baby girl.. I felt overwhelmed since coming back home from the hospital. As a stay at home mum, i know majority of everything should be done by me and my dad whilst hubby is at work are spent feeding baby, bathing her, diapee changes,carrying her and putting her to sleep. I have lak of sleep, no time to eat breakfast or lunch as my time is solely towards baby... Yesterday i had enough and just let baby cry whilst i carried her. I couldn't be bothered talking to her. I read things will get better and i've talked to my dad lots about how i feel
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