Not even sure how to feel. (kind of a long rant)

KayDray15 · February 2016

Some back story:
I live out of state from my family. I have an 8 year old son, and a 9 year old nephew. My long time boyfriend and I finally officially got married in September. We then promptly got in a bad car accident the first week we were married, and found out after the fact that I had been pregnant in the accident and just didnt know it yet.

My Mother and Grandmother made it very clear from the moment we announced that we were pregnant that they were hoping baby would be a girl. They even sent me little girl clothes at Christmas time.
I have been planning a trip up to see everyone for next month before it gets too late to travel. It is kind of a big deal. Its a 9 hour drive,( I am going to stop half way to visit my paternal grandparents) I had to take the time off work, and haven't been up there in 3 years. They were all excited and talking about wanting to have a little shower, and all of that.
Then we found out baby is another boy.
I swear, they are acting like I chose to have another boy to spite them! My grandmother actually said "I guess all those little girl clothes I bought were for nothing" when I called to tell her the news after out ultrasound. Like, yeah, why in the world would you even buy gender specific clothes before we had our ultrasound?
I have called and emailed my mother several times in the last two weeks to work out details about the trip, and now she isn't answering the phone, or responding. I even tried to message her on facebook last night, and I can see that she saw the message, then didn't respond!

I am just so upset, or, really, I dont even know what I am feeling about it. Not happy. Not surprised either. I feel like I dont even want to waste any more of my time planning this long trip to go see people who don't think of me as a priority anyway. Maybe I am being overly emotional, but I also feel even more upset that they aren't thrilled to death that I am even having a healthy baby. Because we didn't know I was pregnant when we got in the accident, they did an x-ray of my pelvis and gave me all kinds of pain meds and things at the hospital. They had done a Urine test that came back negative, but they didnt do a blood test, which would have come back positive. We had to wait until our 20week ultrasound to even know if baby was developing ok. This pregnancy has been very stressful for us. He could have had any number of problems. He could still have problems that we don't know about yet. We could have lost him. I think there are far worse things than another healthy grandson!

I just needed to get that out.

chesterdoodle · February 2016

Your mom and grandma are being ridiculous. You definitely dont buy gender specific clothes before you know the gender! And honestly they should be thrilled to be having a healthy grandbaby no matter the gender. They are being rude. If your mom cant answer the phone or email when you are planning such a long trip while pregnant, then you shouldn't bother going. I wouldn't. Their behavior is unacceptable and they shouldn't be making you or your baby feel less just because its a boy. give your mom one more chance to respond back but then i would cancel. It would be too frustrating of a long trip if you got there and they were behavng like this.

Good luck! And i am really happy for you to be having a healthy baby boy!! That is fantastic news, especially with all the stress you've had during the pregnancy.

KayDray15 · February 2016

Thank you. I have been so emotional that I really can't tell when I am being upset for a legitimate reason, or being overly dramatic. I sent her an email last night, and it I don't hear back today I am going to cancel. Honestly, I may cancel anyway. Would not be the first time I have tried to come visit and she has stressed me out so bad before I even left my house that I changed my mind! I live 9hours away for a reason!

TheHauntedHauswife · February 2016

Wow,I am so sorry you are dealing with this! As PP said they are being ridiculous! You (and they) do not choose what gender you get. There is absolutely no control over that. That's like them being mad at you because your kids came out with brown hair instead of blonde, or blue eyes instead of green. Those things are all completely beyond our control and its horrible that they are making you feel this way.

I wont lie, I was positive i was having a girl. I bought girl clothes before I knew the gender, and did end up finding out it WAS a girl. But I knew the whole time i was taking a risk buying girl items because ultimately my ''feelings'' could completely be wrong, and that's me as the mother. How the grandmother and great-grandmother seem to think they had some kind of knowledge or right or ability to sway that is insane. They KNOW that we dont pick genders, they had kids! So its really unbelievable that they are acting this way.

Bottom line, You are not over reacting, or being overly emotional. A 9 hour trip is a huge deal and if you are feeling even half way as bad as I am at this stage in pregnancy, its a much bigger deal as a pregnant woman than it would be normally. They should be grateful you are visiting, and grateful your baby is happy and healthy despite the amazing miracle of the baby having survived the car accident. As PP said, i think giving one last shot and then cancelling the trip is warranted. If they ask why, try to be as honest as possible. You were happy to come and visit them but feel they are unfairly punishing you for something beyond your control and would rather just stay here. That they are more than welcome to come and visit you if they would like but that you cant make this trip at this time. That being said, maybe you can still go visit the grandparents and make that the entire trip!

KayDray15 · February 2016

One of the many great things about my paternal grandparents is they would not even dream of having me come there just to see them when I am this pregnant. They hop in the car and come down here to see us every chance they get!

I am planning to host a "meet the baby" bbq sometime in the summer so everyone can get together, and I think I am going to invite them to that. If they come, great. If not, well, that wasn't my choice.

HBamama2B · February 2016

I'm really sorry OP. It sounds like they are being horrible! You are not being overly emotional (I totally get the need to check btw!), they are focusing on the wrong thing and being rude and dismissive of your LO and of your feelings. It seems like you have the right priorities in spades and I'm glad your in laws are more considerate. I think cancelling the trip is legitimate at this point given what you've described (although I'd probably cancel just to avoid 9 hours in a car now, yuck!).

goldie987 · February 2016

Yeah, they're way out of line on this one. The only thing I can think of is if the tone of your grandma's comment was more of a joking one but based on your mother's behavior, my guess is that is less than likely.

Honestly, if they say anything else about it, I would just respond with something to the effect of "we're just thrilled that he's healthy after everything that happened so early on, we don't care that it's another boy/not a girl as long as they're healthy" and leave it at that.

CourtJack · February 2016

Wow. That's terrible. I am sorry that you have to deal with such brutally rude behaviour. I mean seriously-you're in a car accident, find out you're pregnant, and you can't even count on your family for support? You're not overreacting at all. I am angry for you. I hope they apologize. And don't be ok with anything less. You did nothing wrong.

arosemong · February 2016

I agree with PP. The way they are acting is petty & childish. It is a blessing the baby is healthy especially after your car accident. I would not go visit & just say you have a lot going on ... BUT-they're welcome to come visit you. All that traveling is stressful anyways for you.

Lyette1206 · February 2016

I'm dealing with something similar. My first was a girl. I have two nieces, and one of my nieces just found out she's pregnant with her second girl. My dad is constantly making comments about how I "better make this one a boy" (we're team green). He said it with my DD and my feelings were hurt/I feel like he made his disappointment clear when I called to tell him she was here and healthy and ... A female.
The other day, after we found out that great-niece #2 is a healthy girl, he said "no one in this family can make a boy". I told him that I don't appreciate him making comments like this for something that is outside of anyone's control, and we'd be thrilled if this baby is a girl. He tried to play off like he's joking, and added "even I couldn't make a boy the first time around" (meaning me... His daughter... And clearly a disappointment???). I was like... Sorry I wasn't a boy?

Sydvicious08 · February 2016

Ugh, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I agree with PP, I would cancel. You don't need that type if negativity and it sounds as if this trip would be very stressful. Staub home and pamper yourself during the time you were going up there. See if maybe you can go on a baby moon or family vaca instead

snowhite12 · February 2016

This sort of happened to my BIL and his ex. Everyone on her side of the family just "knew" it was a girl, they bought them girl clothes, bedding, towels, ect... My BIL and his ex were so certain it was going to be a girl because everyone had convinced them. When they went to the US and found out it was a boy, my BIL got over it, not so much his ex. She blamed it on the fact everyone (her family) told her it was going to be a girl.

ahernandez16 · February 2016

Wow. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. Your family sounds like they're being a bunch of assholes. You can't ensure the sex of your baby to spite somebody and it's their fault for convincing themselves of one sex over the other when it was literally impossible to know.

I wouldn't travel 9 hours to deal with that. If it were me, I'd be anxious the entire way and angry the entire time I was there. Best wishes for whatever you decide to do and I hope they come around by the time your little man gets here.

adiaz132003 · February 2016

So sorry OP. I feel your pain a little. We are team green but my side of the family keeps saying "she" and telling me to "think pink, we want a girl" asked me what the girl name is but when I said "want to know the boy name?" I get "no cause we want a girl". Plus since we are team green all the baby stuff we pick out they get mad cause the them anything lacking the color pink or purple is for boys and they are upset we are buying "boy clothes". Hopefully your family will get over it. They have plenty of time to get excited for a little boy.

colesmom33 · February 2016

That's terrible! I had a little of that when I found out we were having twin boys (I already have a son). While we are just thrilled that they are healthy plus boys are so much fun, a lot of people would seem disappointed and ask if we will try for a girl. The reasons for wanting one sex over the other seem so superficial! Hopefully your family will realize soon that they are being ridiculous and remember how sweet little boys are!!

fishwife799 · February 2016

Joining in to agree with everyone. They are being absolutely ridiculous and you should not go see them. I'm sorry you are going through this and I am glad that you and your boy are doing well after all you've been through.

heathersaysso · February 2016

I went through the same thing with my husband's side of the family. Eff them. If they say anything the next time you talk to them say "If a healthy little baby boy isn't enough to make you happy, you don't need to be involved with any of my children". Remember that you control this situation and while what she's doing hurts you, there's no reason to let her hurt your kids.

BlueJuice · February 2016

It sounds to me like they are being overly dramatic and totally unreasonable, so I don't blame you for being miffed. However, I would judge your response based on your prior established relationship with them. Is this a deep, supportive relationship generally, or were you already planning this 9-hour trip mostly out of a sense of obligation rather than because you were looking forward to visiting your family? Basically, I would consider canceling the trip entirely, but leave it as a last option (unless this relationship had previously deteriorated almost to the point where cutting ties in a drastic way was a likely choice anyway), and give them several chances to acknowledge that the way they're treating you is really crummy, and make it clear that you will consider altering your relationship if they can't behave better.

KayDray15 · February 2016

BlueJuice said:

It sounds to me like they are being overly dramatic and totally unreasonable, so I don't blame you for being miffed. However, I would judge your response based on your prior established relationship with them. Is this a deep, supportive relationship generally, or were you already planning this 9-hour trip mostly out of a sense of obligation rather than because you were looking forward to visiting your family? Basically, I would consider canceling the trip entirely, but leave it as a last option (unless this relationship had previously deteriorated almost to the point where cutting ties in a drastic way was a likely choice anyway), and give them several chances to acknowledge that the way they're treating you is really crummy, and make it clear that you will consider altering your relationship if they can't behave better.

This has been a turbulent relationship for years. While we were planning the wedding they both waited until the last moment to tell me if they were even going to make the trip down here for it, then they missed the ceremony anyway! We waited an extra 15 minutes for them, calling and texting, and they didn't answer their phones. We had to start without them. I even had to pull one of my friends out of the seats to walk my other grandma since my nephew wasn't there to do it. I have lived where I live for 12 years, and the wedding is the first time they have come here.

I have decided to cancel. I am going to tell them a half lie just to avoid more conflict, and just say my doctor advised against the trip. Can't argue with that.

HBamama2B · February 2016

I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive and willing to come to you.

missing the wedding? Smh, that's terrible.

KayDray15 · February 2016

Thank you ladies for all of the support! Sometimes I just need to hear that my feelings aren't crazy!

BabyboyS2016 · February 2016

Your feelings aren't, but their behavior sure is!

mar101483 · February 2016

First I wanna say CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY BOY! Other than that, I know they are you're family, but they certainly aren't acting like it, so screw them. I am so sorry they are acting like this. Spend your time and money on a vacation with your H, away from them, if they want to act like jerks. There is no way to control the sex of your baby and them expecting anything else is insane!

purplefan1 · February 2016

Agree with PP. Don't go visit them. They will just cause you stress. Spend the time and money on some fun pampering for you and if they want to come and see you, they know how to get there!!

Want a personalized experience?

Not even sure how to feel. (kind of a long rant)

Re: Not even sure how to feel. (kind of a long rant)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards